Varieties.

Otago Witness, Issue 824, 13 September 1867, Page 14

Varieties.

The Ladies' Favorite Scent. — Mill-Reurs^ What book is most likely to make a noise in the world ? — A horn-book.

Entertaining Knowledge. — Ascertaining the cost of a dinner party. Musical. — The last novelty in the Ethiopian melody line is " Black Hide Susan.*' Legal Question. — Must 1 the punishment for Arson be necessarily a light sentence ?

Legal. — Lawyers not unfrequently come to ride in their carriages from the clever way in which they have managed the conveyance of their clients.

A lady asked her gardener why the weeds always outgrew and covered up the flowers. " Madam," answered he, "the soil is mother of the weeds, but only step-mother of the flowers." Robert Walpole, who used to say that every man has his price, once added — " I never knew but one woman whom I could not bribe with money. It was Lady S , and she took diamonds."

Over the Sea.— "The introduction of Salmon ova to the rivers of Australia has proved successful." Following the usual style, the newspaper should have added, that they received a perfect ovation.

A con-ceited man, who ha-1 built a small house in a sequestered part of his grounds for private study, showed it to a friend, remarking, " Here I ait reading from morning till night, and nobody a bit the wiser." A man advertised for a wife, and requested each candidate to enclose her carle de visite. A spirited young lady wrote to the advertiser in tke following terms :—": — " Sir, Ido not enclose my carte, for, though there is some authority for putting a cart before a horse, I know of none for putting one before an *33."

Archbishop Whately once received a Roland for his Oliver : — The head master of one of the model schools complained that some of the officers intrusted with the inspection of the schools were unduly officious, and not qualified for the duty. " Surely," said the archbishop, "one can judge plumpudding without being a cook." "True,. your grace," retorted the head master, " but one is not, on that account, qualified to fga into the kitchen and take the cook s place." An Engineer's Prescription,— When the last Conway tube was being raised, the following colloquy took place between Mr Stephenson and another distinguished engineer : — Mr Stephenson : "Hallo! what is the matter with you, Mr ? you seem out of sorts." Mr : "I am a martyr to aperiodical nervous headache, and must go up to town to be cupped." Mr Stephenson : " Cupped ! pooh, nonsense ! lessen the supplies — eat less at meals ; it is always better to damp the fire than blow off steam. " The Reverend Zeb Twitchel was the most noted Methodist preacher in Vermont for shrewd and laughable sayings. In the pulpit he maintained a suitable gravity of manner and expression, but out of the pulpit he overflowed with fun. Occasionally he would, if emergency seemed to require, introduce something queer in a sermon for the sake of arousing the flagging attention of his hearers. Seeing that his audience were getting sleepy, he paused in his discourse, and then proceeded as follows:— "Brethren, you haven't any idea of the sufferings of our missionaries in the new settlements, on account of the mosquitoes in some of these regions being enormous. A great many of them would weigh a pound, and they will get on logs and bark when the missionaries are passing." By this time all ears and eyes were open, and he proceeded to finish his discourse. The next day one of his hearers called him to account for telling lies in the pulpit. " There never was a mosquito that weighed a pound," he said. " But I didn't say one of them would weigh a pound ; I said a great many, and I think a million of them would." " But you say they barked at the. missionaries." "No, no, brother — I, said they would get on logs and bark,"