ARTEMUS WARD IN LONDON.

Otago Witness, Issue 801, 6 April 1867, Page 5

ARTEMUS WARD IN LONDON.

Mr Punch, my d.^ar Sir, — You didn't get a instructiv article from my pen last week on account of my nervus sistim havin underwent a clrcffle shock. I got caught in a brief shine of sun, and it utterly upsot me. I was waikin in Regent Street one day last week, enjoyin your rich black fog and bracing rains, when all at once the Sun bust out and aetooallv shone for nearly half an hour steady. I acted promptly. I called a cab and told the driver to run bis ho?s at a friteful rate off peed to my lodging, but it wasn't of no avnle. I had orful cramps*, my appytite left me, and my pults went down to 10 degrees beiow zero. But by careful nu-sin I shall no doubt recover speedy, if the present sparklin and exileratin weather continners.

[All of the foregoin is sarcasum.]

It's a sing'lar fack, but I never sot eyes on your excellent British Mooseum till the other day. I've sent a great many people there, as also to your genial Tower of London, however, it happened thusly : When one of my excellent couutrymen jest arrived in London would come and see me and display an inclination to cling to me too lengthy, thus showin a respect for me which I feel I do not deserve, I would supjest a visit to the Mooseum and Tower. The Mooseum would ockepy him. a day at leest, and the Tower another. Thus I hnve derived considerable peace and comfort from the noble edifisses, and I hope they will long continner to grace your metropolis. There's my friend, Colonel Larkins, from Wisconsin, who, I regret to say, understands the Jamaica question, and wants to talk with me about it ; I sent him to the Tower four days ago, and he hasn't got thiough with it yit. He likes it very much, and he writes me that he can't never thank me sufficient for directin him to so interesting a bildin. I writ him not to mention it. The Col. says it is fortnit we live in a intellectooal age which wouldn't countenance such infamous things as oecurd in this Tower. I'm aware that it is fashin'ble to compliment this age, but I ain't so clear that the Col. is altogether right. This is a very respectable age, but it's pretty easily riled; andconsiderin upon how slight a provycation we who live in it go to e-uttin each other's throats, it may perhaps be doubted whether our intellecks is so much massiver than our ancestors' intelleoks was, after all. I allus ride outside with the cabman.

'I ara of humble parentage, but I have ,(if you will permit me to say so) the 'spirit of the eagle, which chafes when shut up in a four-wheeler, and I feel much 'eagler when I'm in the open air. So on jthemorninon which I went to the Mooseum,. I lit a pipe, and callin a cab, I told the driver to take me there as quick as his Arabian cbarger could go. The driver was under the inflooence of beer, and narrerly escaped running over a aged female in the match trade, whereupon I remonstratid with him. I said, " that poor old woman may be the only mother of a young man like you." Then throwing considerable pathos into my voice, I said, " You have a mother ?"

He said, " You lie 1" I got down and called another cab, but said oothin to this driver about his parents. The British Mooseum is a magnif cent free show for the people. It is kept open for the benefit of all.

The humble costymonger who traverses the busy streets with a cart containin all kinds of vegetables, such as carrots, turnips, etc., and drawn by a spirited jackasshe can go to the Mooseum and reap benefits therefrom as well as the lord of high degree. " And this," I said, "is the British Mooseum ! These noble walls," I continnered, punching them with myumbreller to see if the masonry was all right— but I wasn't allowed to fipish my enthoosiastic remarks, for a man with a gold band on his hat said, in a harsh voice, that I must stop pokin the wails. I told him I would do so by all means. '• You see," I said, taking hold of the tassel which waved from the man's belt, and drawing him close to me in confidential way, " Y,ou see, I am locking round this Mooseum, and if I like it I shall buy it."

Instid of krfin hartily at those remarks, which was made in 3 goakin spirit, the man frowned darkly and walked away. I first visited the stuffed animals, of which the gorillers interested me most. These simple-minded monsters live in Afriky, and are believed to be human beins to a slight extent, altho they are not allowed to vote. la this department is one or two superior giraffes. I never woulded I were a bird, but I've sometimes wished I was a giraffe, on account of the long distance from his month to his stummuck. Hence, if he loved beer, one mugful would give him as much enjoyment while going down as forty mugfuls would ordinary persons. And he wouldn't get intoxicated, which is a beastly way of arausin oneself, I must say. I like a little beer now and then, and when the teetotallers inform us, as they frekently do, that it is vile stuff, and that even the swine shrink from it, I say it only shows that the swine is a ass who don't know what's good ; but to pour gin and brwidy down one's throat as freely as though it were fresh milk, is the most idiotic way of goin' to the devil that I know of.

I enjoyed myself very much lookin at the Egyptian inumrnys, the Greek vases, &c, but it occurd to me there was rayther too many " Roman of an uncertain date." Now, I like the British Mooseum, as I siid afore, but when I see a lot of erthen jugs and pots stuck up on shelve.", and all "of a uncertain date," I'm at a loss to 'zi^kly determin whether they are a thousand years old or was bought recent. I can cry like a child over a jug one thousand years of age, especially if it is a Roman jug; but a jug of a' uncertain date doesn't overwhelm me with motions. Jugs and pots of a uncertain ase is doubtless vallyable property, but, like the debentures of the London, Chatham and Dover Railway, a man doesn't want too many of them.

I was debarred out of the great readinroom. A man told me I inuat apply by letter for admission, and that I must get somebody, to testify that I was respectable. I'm^ a little 'fraid I shan't get in there. Seeing a elderly gentleman, with a beneverlent looking face, near by, I ventured to ask him if he would certify that I was respectable. He said he certainly would uot, but he would put me in chirge of a policeman, if that would do me any good. A thought struck me. " I refer you to Mr Punch," I said.

" Well," said a man, who had listened to my application, "you have done it now ! You stood some chance before.' 1 I will get this infamus wretch's name before you go to press, so you can denounce him in the present number of your excellent journal.

The statute of Apollo is a pretty slick statute. A young yeoman seemed deeply iinpresst with it. He viewd it in silent admiration. At home, ia the beautiful rural dis tricks where the daisy sweetly blooms, be would be swearin in a horrible manner at his bullocks, and whacking 'era over the head, with a hay-fork; but nere, in the presence of Art, he is a changed bein.

I told the attendant that if the British nation would stand the expens of a marble bust of myself, I would willingly sit to come talented sculpist. " I feel," I said, "that this is a dooty I owe to posterity." He said it was hily prob'l, but he was in-

dined to think that the British nation wouldn't care to enrich the Mooseum with a bust , of nae, altho' he venturd to think that if T paid for one myself it would be accepte o*cheerfully0 * cheerfully by Madame Tussaud, who would gwe it a prom'nent position in her Chamber of Horrers. The young man was very polite, an' I thankt him kindly.

After vis itin the Refreshment room and partakin of half a chickin "of a uncertaia age," like the Roman antiqwtys I have previsly spoken of, I prepared to leave. As I passed through the animal room I observed with panethat a benevolint person was urgin the stufft elephant to accept a cold muffin, but I did not feel called on to remonstrate with him, any more than I did with two young persons of diff'rent sexes who had retired behiud the Rynosserhosa to squeeze each other's hands. In fack, 1 rayther approve of the latter proceedin, for it carried me back to the sunny springtime of my life. I'm in the shear and yeller leaf now, but I don't forgit the time when to squeeze my Betsy's hand sent a athrillthrough me like fallin off the roof of a two-story house ; and I never squozed that gentlejhand without wantin to do so some more, and feelin that it did me good. Trooly yours,

Artemus Ward.