SALMAGUNDI IN DUNEDIN.

Otago Witness, Issue 659, 16 July 1864, Page 16

SALMAGUNDI IN DUNEDIN.

Says Jnques, v I in t a fool in the forest, a motley fool; as I -do live by food, I met a fool ;" and hi* sapient auditors, forsooth ! laugh and chuckle at the chuilisSi knave'.s wisdom. A loo 1 ! That is to siy, one fool! "Why, I meet a legion of fooK every day in our Dun- din itreeN: ih-yjoitk-me at every corner; tiny stare at me with a dreadful oxpresion ot \ acuity at bars, in billiard room?, and in the t' c 're — foI am a cosmofo it.vi, ;nsd know > verj thing and everybody. AinU-jo everywhere Shall Ide«cri'>e them ? I think not, for it wouhi take five tliouf'inil column- < f the sina'les type to do justice to their infinite variety . Some part their hair in the iniiidl- 1 , anil some — do not ; some wear ejv-gl asses, which imest their countenances \iitn a charming feebleness, and some — do not. V. S, which is shorter than v rb. sap. which is short for verbum snpienta. Let those who wear eye-glass:s and part their hair in the middle take the hint.

Why should I not set myself up as the modern censor ? I am sub rosa, and Heaven knows a moral schoolmaster is wanted sadly enough in the town ! My reputation was made in a greater country than thi% and critics, if they pleaSe, may carp at my shadow. Why should I not expose the follies of my neighbors ? Why should small vices, and mean action*, and Btupid customs go umecorded? This. then, is my preface. Lit ail sinners beware, for as surely as they li\ c, so surely they shall be lathed. Let them aljue sack and live cleanly, or prepare for judgment. Young reprobates, dandy clerks, moustachioed and be-gloved officials, take heed! roues and mairied Lotharios, fall upon your knees, and cry, Peccavi! Proclaim yourselves, each ot you, by your deeds. Under which king, Bfczonian ? Speak, or die !

I am sitting at my window in the broad daylight Some fin? night I shall invoke Asmodeus, and ask him to fly with me over the city, and show me the 3ights But now lam sitting a my window, with the jolly noon-day sun drying up the mud, and shedding delight over the hearts of tidy housewifes who cannot keep their houses clean in this dreadful weather. I am a bachelor, but I love the sex, Platonically. I hive not found my Phyllis yet, more's the pity— but if ever I do find her, she shall not, wear red stockings No; by the manes of my ancestors, I swear it ! Why should my eyes be m;ide to ache at the glare ol red worsted legs, thin legs and thick legs, straight legs, bandy legs, and legs symme trical? If a» leg is to be exposed (which is an inevitable necessity contingent upon crinoline), let it be encased in white, so that the eye may not be offended with so palpable an outrage to delicacy as flaunting, flaming red presents. Young bachelor, it your senses he ravished with the faintest glimpse of your fair lady' 3 ankle, and if that faintest glimpse be a red one, take upou yourself, modestly and delicately, as becomes your position, to remonstrate with your adorable angel on the outrage of which she is guilty. Young maiden, whom I love as I invoke, let the blush of nature mantle on your cheeks ; let not the blush of art nvintle on your legs ! Linen drapers, import no more red stockings. Legislator, and members of the Provincial Council, arouse yourselves fro n your lethargy : impose a tax of a pound a pair on scarlet leggings, and bend ) 7 our head 3to receive the beuediction of a grateful generation.

I am still sitting at my window, muring over mundane things. Suddenly I jump up, precipitately close my casement, pull down the blinds, and envelope my room in darkness. The clanging of St. Paul's, St. Peter's, and St Swithin's is ringing in my ears. "Oh yes ! oh yes ! oh yes P screams a harsh voice; "Lost — a silver watch — near the Hoctagon— belonging to — a poor man — with a silver chain — and a common key — Whoever will— return the same — will be rewarded !" and then follows a benediction upon her most gracious Majesty, and the clanging of St. Pauls's, St. liter's, and St. Swithin's again resounds through my distracted brain. What i 9 this? Another clanging ! Yes, for the Omeo is going away, and insane bell-ringers proclaim the fact to an anxious public, always winding up with an ardent expression of loyalty to her Majesty. What! another? Now it is a sale of household furniture— now the pig-faced lady — now a rat-pit — until, worn out by the sound of cracked bells and cracked voices, I glare lrantically round upon my household got!?, and jump into bed to drown the noice. In the afternoon, thank Heaven ! there is a temporary lull ; but as the shades of evening descend upon our streets, and my mind is resuming its usual state of grand serenity, the gates of hell — I beg pardon, I mean the gates ol bell— are again thrown open, and the din recommences. A horrible man intends to suspend himself from "the ceiling by a thread of silk, and lifting up a pianotbne with lm teeth, will, in that interesting position, perform a selection of opeiatic fin wits hie toes, The famous dog Mopsy

will kill two hundred.- and fifty rats in the ihort space of three niiniite.s, and then •'iince a hornpipe in the middle of the pit. 11 c national poet Slmkspeare will hrt w a monster bowl of punch, and invites thirsty fcitizens to partake therefrom ad libitum, without charge; — with a cling, clint;, clanjf; vwit ii a clang, c'aiu, clinir ; with oh, yes! oh, yes! oh, \e* ! nnd God save the Queen ! Sisinnr Terrirfico *\ir dance the cocoi nut dance (with a clinir clmg, clany) ; Mr Cleverfo fi \sili sing a new local song on the Town Hoard ( ith a dang, cltnij, clin^) ; and a pint of two ales enn be obtain 'd for fourpence, with God save the Queen ! And so the din noes on, until I madly ejiculate, l It's an adjective shame!' a«.d it is an adjective shame ! Where are the police, the gu irdians °f peace, the preservers of order ? Why shoul 1 I be driven to a state of delirium, because Joe and the Kobartown man (whose voice is really very dreadful) choose antagonistically to perambulate our streets, and afford amusement to a crowd of young Dunedin Arabs, whose precocity is something frightful to contemplate? "What do I care for Mopsy, or the strong man, or Signor Terrirfico ? / don't want a pint of two ales lor fonrpence! Have I been to a dinner party given by my bosom friend, and do I come home in a gem ral state of amiability, and vocally proclaim tlut I won't go home till morning r 1 straightway comes a gaunt policeman who, touching me upon the shoulder, threatens to put me in the lock-up if I am not quitt ! Am I hihrions — am I merry — do 1 sing God ?ave the Queen in the streets? and again comes the gaunt policeman, who coaxes me to go home quietly, like a good fellow, or— (and here he gives my elbow a fierce gripe, an expressive action which causes me to walk meekly and quietly away) And shall the terrors of # the law be held over my head, the head of a peaceful 'utizen, and these daily and nightly disturbers of the peace be allowed to shout, and ring, and scream, and go unpunished ? Provincial Council, pass an Act ! Town Board, do your duty ! Policemen, keep the peace !