Varieties.

Otago Witness, Issue 586, 21 February 1863, Page 7

Varieties.

No man is so ipsigniQcant as to be sure his examp can do no hurt.— Clarendon.

What men want of reason for their opinions, tb, usually supply and make up ia rage.— Tillotson. Sleep is death's younger brother, and so like him that I never dare trust him without my prayers.-— Sir J. Browne. Religion is a thousand-voiced psalm from th heart of man to his invisible Father. — Carlyle. As good almost kill a man as a good book. A good book is the precious life-blood of a master spirit, embalmed and treasured up on purpose to a life beyond life.— Milton. The Best Excuse for a Man Marrying his Deceased Wipb's Sisteb.— B-eause he will only have one Mother-in-Law, — Punch. He who tells a lie is not sensible how great a task he undertakes ; for he must be forced toiuvent tvreuty more to maintain that; one.— P^pe. The miracles performed by Christ were the ringing of the great bell of the universe to announce the sermon that was to follow.— Foster. The man who is perplexed by religious doubts, should be advised to cure himself, not Dy the phyeic of reading and controversy, but by the diet of holy living. — Kcble. Poverty and Blindness. — " A blind man is a poor man, aud blind a poor man is; For the former seeth no man, and the latter no man sees." Human nature is not so much depraved as to hinder us from respecting goodness in othera, though w« ourselves want it.— Steele. Another Point op Resemblance.— Man, we are told, is the only animal that laughs. Yes ; and th« Only animal, we may say, that is laughed at — mokeys always excepted.— Punch. CREEDS. " Lutheran, Popish, Calvinistic, all these creeds and doctrines three Extant are ; but still the doubt is, where Christianity may be." A publican who opened an inn at Flodden, nearths famous well mentioned in the liist canto of " Marmion," was at a loss for a motto, until Sir Walter Scott himself proposed : — Drink, weary traveler, drink, and pay ! Love without money has been compared to a pair of shiny leather boots without soles. If women were jurors, as some of them claim they ought to be, what chance would ugly old fellows stand when indicted 1 An indifferent pleader asked Catullus, " Have I not succeeded in making .1 very moving speech 1" " Certainly," said he, " some of your auJieuce pitied you, and the rest walked out of court." A little wealth will sutb'ce us to live well, and less to die happy. Conscience, be it ever so little a worm -while we live, grows suddenly to a serpcut in our deathbed. Innocence is like an umbrella— when opee we have lost it, we must never hope to see it back again. " Sir, this horse you sold me can't be made to start." — " Well, didu't I guarantee him never starting." Lord Brougham's Head. — Mrs. Brougham, mother of the ex-Chancellor, was a most excellent and thrifty housewife. On one occasion she was much troubled with a servant addicted to disli-breakiug, and who used to allege, in extenuation of her fault, "it was crackit before." One morning little Harry tumbled down stairs, when the fond mother, running after him exclaimed, "Oh ! boy, have you broke your head ]" " No, ma," said the future Chancellor, •'it u'as crackit before." A Contraband's Estimate op Jackson, tijb Confederate CnonwEi,i,.~The Augusta Chroni' cle says that some one asked Stonewalls old negro body servant how he came to be so much in the confidence of his master. " Lor', Sir," said he, " massa never never tells me nuffin j but the way I knows is this— mnssa says his prayers twice a day, morning and night ; but if he gets out of bed two or three times in the night to pray, you see I just commences packing my haversack, for I knows there will be the devil to pay next day." The " Fourth Estate" at a Discount.— A widow lady, advertising in the Times for a situation as a parlor-housekeeper in a domesticated family, adds •• Agents and editors ! need not apply." Bather cool, certainly. Decidedly Good.— A Dublin, journal observes that a handbill announcing a political meeting in that city states with boundless liberality, that "th© ladies, without distinction of sex, are invited to attend." * The Golden Rule.— A young lady who was rebuked by her mother for kissing her intended, justified the act by quoting the passage, "Whatsoever ye would that men should do unto you, do ye even so to them." Legaii Hints. — In an action for fees a physician cannot recover. In cases of illness the patienti are often in the same predicament. On a bill or note tha statute begins to run directly it is due. The acceptor, if he cannot pay, had better follow the statute's example. Another Way op Looking at it.- Monster : " I'm afraid I'm sitting on your crinoline ma'am 1" Affable* Young Lady : "Oh 1 never mind, sir ; it's of no consequence, you can't hnrt it." Monster : " No, ma'am, it's not that,but— the confounded thing hurts me." When Madge was only a very little girl, her father found her chubby hands full of the blossoms of a beautiful tea rose on which he had bestowed great care. "My dear,'' said he, "didn't I tell you not to pick one of these flowers without leave V '* Yes. papa," said Madge, innocently, " but all these had leaves." Bear and Beer,— Very bad spelling is sometimes 1 the be3t, as in the case of the English beer vendor, who wrote over his shop doar, " Bear sold here." Tom Hood, who saw it, said it was spelt right, be* cause the fluid he sold was his own " bruin." Driving a Bargain— A Yankee out west called at the house of a substantial farmer iv the country, and entering the sitting-room, saw three clocks, one I overthemantel piece, and one on each side of the room. This was enough to discourage most pedlars, but not our hero. He discovered that the farmer had a sort of passion for clocks, and resolved to furnish him. with, one for ihe vacant place opposite that which graced the mantel. But, urged the pedlar, it would look so well to have one on each side and end of the room, all facing each other. Strange to say, the farmer yielded to his importunities, or his own desire to have four clocks facing each other, and bought another. The pedlar then asked if his neighbors were all. supplied with what he considered i a prime necessary" of lifeclocks. No. three were without them, and ha thought each would buy one, and, at the pedlar's suggestion, and offering to make a discount, the farmer actually bought and paid for three clocks for his friends. Our hero then took his leave, went to the neighbors, and sold himself a dock to each, thus leaving 1 the rt s6ld" farmer with seven clocks to ornament the walla of hie house. What do teih Farmers think now I— At th« Lancashire Agricultural Society's dinner, Lord, Derby said : " I recollect, not many years I ago— atleast riot many years ago as f look upon it, though some of you younger men may think it a great many years ago— the late Sir ft. Peel was talking to me, about the prejudices of the farmers. He had announced that as an agricultural prize on one occasion he should give an iron plough. He was surprised that there were not many competitors, and he called upon one of bib ■ own tenants, and asked him what was the reason. The answer was, * Why you see. Sir Robert, w« farmers have got a notion amongst us that iroa ploughs breeds weeda' " (loUo* laughter)*,;" -