Varieties.

Otago Witness, Issue 546, 17 May 1862, Page 7

Varieties.

Mipg Jonrs says she only we&rn« crinoline for form b sake.

' It is very curious,' said a youn? la ly, ' that a tortoise from whom we «et all our shell combs, should have no hair.'

Matrimouial hintory is 101116110168 a narrative ot many words — but the story of love may be told iv a very few letters.

When a pickpocket pulls at your watch, tell him plainly that you have no time to spare. A live turkey would seem to be comparatively less) noisy than a dead one, for oue makes only a din, th« other a dinner.

People should never kiss those of their own sex ; we never kissed a boy iv our lives — oxcept occasionally a pretty tomboy. Young mon who would prosper in love should woo gently — It is not fashionable for young ladies to take ardent spirits.

A popular preacher received so many pair* of .slippers from the female part of his congregation, that he got to fancy himself a centipede. An old bachelor seeing the words "families supplied," over the door of a shop, stepped in and said he would take a wife and two children.

A country carpenter, nailing \\\> a board to forbid vagrants trespassing, placed it with the inscription upside down. " Beggars arc accustomed to reverse," observed a passenger. The latest advertisement of an air-tight coffin is, that it protects tlie form t'rom decomposition, " and can be retained in the parlor as an elegant piece of furniture, without any annoyance whatever.'' Why is n palm tree like a chronology ! — Because it furnishes dates. The geological character of the rock on which drunkards split is 3iid to be quartz. " Well, Jem, vrhat is a commentator V " Why, I suppose it musk be the commonest of all taters," was the reply. Horses soraotimes runs for cups, but not half so often as men do. Why is v thriving tradesman like a lump of ico !— Because lie is solvent. Women should set good examples, for mpn are alwajs following them. The woman who neglects her husband's shirt frouta is not the wife of his bosom. There h no objection to broils in » house, if they be confined to Uie kitchen. Some people are so obtuse, that one would hardly think they could have any acute disease. The Funambulist who tried to balance the Korth Pole got seiiously cut brthe axes of the earth. < Why are the Volunteers like old maids '{—Because they are always ready aud never wanted. " My brudders," said a wa««ish davkey to a crowd, " In all affliction, in all ob your troubl*?. dnr is one place whar you can always find sympathy."' " Whar ? whar ?" shouted several of hie auditors. "In de di«-

tinnary !" he replied, rolling his eyes .skyward. Jones, while recently engaged "iv splitting wood, struck a f.tlse blow, causing the sHck to fly up. It struck him on the jaw and knocked out a front tooth. " Ah,"' saU Bill, meeting him soon after, "you haro the dentrtl operation performed, I see.' " Yes," replie 1 the sufferer, " axe-idental."'

A co.ir.-.e, ill-natured fellow died one day, and hit, friends ;u.sembled at his funeral, but no one had v g'-xxi word to say about thu deceased. Even at the

grave all were silent. At lenesh h good hearted German, as he turned to go home said, "Veil, he va.s a Very good smoker !"

Once, whilst at Plymouth, a very juvenile midshipman, flourishing Ins dirk, swaggered into the theatre, "My dear sir," bai-1 Liston to" the door-keeper, " why don't you attend to the announcement at the bottom of your bills — "' Children in arms not admitted."

There is a man in the West who ha.-, moved *o oftpn, that whenever a covered waggon comes near his hou>e, his chickens all march up and full on their back*, and cross their legs, ready to bo tied aud carried to the next stopping-place. Two Irishmen were in prison, one for stealing a cow. and the other for stealing a watch. ' Hallo, Mike ! what o'clock is it ." said the cow stealer to tho other. ' And sure, Pat, I hav'nt nny timepiece handy, but I think it ia most milfeing time."' We suppose that an old hunter may he said to be stone blind when the poor beast has got what ia called .a 'wall eve.'

Did you ever see a cat playing with her kittens la .a pie shop, or a dog asleep at the door of a sausage maker ?

Fenelon was almoner to Louii XIV. One Sunday the king found only himself and the prie3t at the service in the chapel. On inquiring of his almoner tha reason, as the chapel was usually full, Fenelon said :" 'It was given out, sire, that your Majesty did not attend chapel to day, that you might know who c»me to worship God ; and who to flatter the King.' A modern philosopher says, to * stir the fire perfectly requires tlie touch of a sculptor, the eye of au architect, aud the wrist of a denti«t.'

J. J. Rousseau was one day showing his ' Ode co Posterity' to Voltaire. l Do you know,' said the sago, ' I am afraid your ' Ode' will never be forwarded to its address.'

" I understand, Pat," said a geutleman to a tenant. " you have a superior waj of curing harm ; I should like to learn it." "Well, yes, I know very well how to cure them, but the trouble with me just now is how to pro-cure them." Young Green, when studying anatomy, was told, that the upper bone of the arm is called tha kumerus. "Oh!"' said Green, "that is what they call the funny bone, isn't it?" Quebec has got a Pope for a Mayor, is getting a Monk (Lord Monck) for Governor-General, and ia about losing it 3 Head (name of the ex-Governor). " Mr. D— — , if you will get my coat done by next Saturday, I shall be for ever indebted to you. 5 ' "It won't be done," said the tailor, '•' upon such terms." "Sam, do you know why this stick of wood your» say ing i 3 like the elephant that was here last weak V* "No." "Why is it, Bill 1 ?" "Because you saw it, to be sure.'' "Mamma," said little Nell, "ought governess to flog me for what I have not done V " No, my dear ; why do you ask ?" " 'Cause she flogged me to-d&y when I didn't do my sum."

Religious Divisions. —I do not want (said Eowland Hill) the walls of separation between different orders of Christians to be destroyed, but only lowered, that we may shake hands a little easier over them.

A lady cleared her housf of flies, by putting honey on her husband's whiskers when he was asleep.. The flies stuck fast, and when h? went out of the house he carried them off with them.

It was an incorrigible old bachelor said, " Though some very romantic maiden may exclaim, Give me a cot with the heart that I love, most of the sex would vastly prefer a palace with the man they hate." "Speaking of shaving," said a pretty girl to an obdurate old bachelor, '" I should, think that a pair of handsome eyes would be the best mirror to shave by." Yes, many have been "shaved" by thorn, the wretch replied.

" Tom," said an old fanner one day to one of his mowers, " do you know how many horns there are in a dilemma ?'" Well, no, not "zactly," replied Tom ; ' ' But 1 know how many there be in » good quart of aU V Tom was a bit of a wag.

Dangku SiaNAL. — The following intimation, say« the Aberdeen, Herald, we copied from a board at tho entrance to a quarry, near Buxburn :■ — TAX NOTIS WHB N THE HORN BLO S A BLAST WILL BS IK A MINIT,

As Elephantine Aotor.— Sir Emerson Tennent in his Natural History of Ceylon, says the elephant occasionally feigns death in order to regaiu its freedom, Of; a recent captive he writes— " It was led, hxun the corral as usual between two tame ones, a.nd had already proceeded far towards its destination, when, night closing in, and the torches being 1 lighted, it refused to go on, and finally sank to the ground, apparently lifeless. Mr. Cripps ordered the fastenings to bo removed from its legs, and when all attempts to raise it had failed, so convinced was he that it was dead, that he ordered the ropes to be taken off and the carcase abandoned. While this was being done, he and a gentleman by whom he was accompanied leaned against the body to rest. They had scarcely taken their departure and proceeded a few yards, when to their astonishment the elephant rose with the utmost alacrity, and fled towards the jungle, screaming at the top of its voice, its cries being audible long alter it had disappeared in the ehadw of the forest.