Varities.

Otago Witness, Issue 538, 22 March 1862, Page 7

Varities.

R-en. Anderson lniely nia'l : the fol'owin? speech to si'iie Ivent'icky Ho'iie (jnarlp :— " You are going to ii^l t foi your country. Honor by heroic dot/.is in itOi- bci> <!:'. Never disgrace yoiu>.ol v es, boys. Do ever, thin j t ! iat is riglit andnotiiia^thatis wrong. Thers, bjys. that is my speech to you.'" A Scotch paper speaks of a fux having been seen tnki!? to spiiux a tiap wich a stijk which it carried iv its mouth. We once knew a f<<x who took a well pole from a well and pushed a turkey off the lower limb of a tree, and put the pole baok in its place. At least he got tlie turkey and the well pule was found to be in its place in the m >ni>ng. The pin that keeps the .Southern State of America 1 The Ljnch-pin. It is mentioned as a curious circumstance that a watch should be perfectly dry when it has a running spring in it. A youiit; fellow, fond of talking, remarked, ' I any no prophpt.' 'True,' replied a lady present, 'no profit to yourself or to any i/iie else ' What cieatures in NnalVs urk carried the least baggage. The cook and fox ; for they had only one comb and brush between them. A poor laboting man wo.-, told that gold was the haule.st of metals, ' Well, I don't know about that ; all I know is, it is the hardest to vet.' 'Sophia Maria, did you receive my letter V 'I did, Frederick.' ' I wrote it in the hopes of raising a flame.' — ' And you .succeeded, for I immediately put it into the iire.' 'Mauuua,' said little Nell, 'ought p-overnessto flog me for what I have not done V ' Ho, my dear ; why do you ask !' ' Cause she flogged me to-day when I did'nt do my sum.' Several years ago, when Mrs. Rogers, the player, was young and handsome, Lord North and (irey, remarkablo for his homely face, accenting her one night behind the scenes, asked hea- with a f-i^h, "What was a eurejor Jove I" " Your lorckliip/' said she; "the best 1 know in the world." Dr. Taldoe, v/ho was a very fat man, happened to go thump, thump, through a street in Oxford, where the paviors were at work, in the midst of July; the f jll iw s immediately laid down their rammera. " Ah, bless you, master," &aid one of them, "it was very kind ot you to come this way — it saves us a great deal of trouhlc this hot waather." A governed, advertising for a situation, says she is a peitect mistress of her own tongue. Theodore Hook, being told of the marriage of a political opponent, exclaimed, " I am very glad, indeed, to hear it." Then suddenly added, with a feeling of compassionate forgiveness, " and yet I dou't see why I should, poor fellow, for he never did me much harm." To make a girl love you, co?vx her to love somebody else. If there be aiijtliinr: which a woman relishes, it is to be contiary. Marriages are often called " matches," yet of all tho je who are married how few are matched 1 Tempers, tastes, and dispositions should be well studied before marriage. There are three kinds of men in this world — the "wills," the '' won'fcs," and the " cants." The former effect eve--} thing, the next oppose everything, and the other failb in eveiything. Why i-3 a !.iv;pr like a s-awyer l Because whichever way he goe.^ down muse come the dust. When Oliver hi* it coined hio mjiiey, an old cavalier, looking upon oae of the new pieces, read the mmm riptiou on one side, " I rod with us ; ' on the other, "Tne Commonwealth of Englan I." " 1 see/ Mid he, " (Jod aud tho 0 lunuouv/calth are on diil'erent sides." A gentleman -isked Nanny Lochtbrd why tho Whig.,, in their mounting for Quejn Anne, all wore silk stocking! '• Because,' 1 says she, "the Tories were woistud." Dr. Sewel and two or three moio gentlemen, walking to wants ilamp.-tijad on a summer's day, were met by the famous Da>;iel Puree!!, •who was Very importunate to know upon what account they were going tlu re. The doctor mcivily answered him, '' To make nay." " Very w.JI," replied the other, " you will be there at a very convenient season, the country wanta rakes.'" Moi land, author of " La G.ipricieuse,'" was in a box of the theatre dm ing the first representation of that coined) . Tlu pit loudly expressing uisapprobation at the extravagance and improbability of some traits in this character, the author became impatieut. He put his head out of the box, and called out, " Know, Gentlemen, this is the very pictiue of my mother-in-law. What do you saj now i" Talhi.uul, v.heu asked by a lady famous for her beaut} and stupidity, how .she .should rid herself of some of her troubi'some aduiireis, replied, "You have o.dy to open your mouth, madam." we were .^kedwhat physician stood at the t(sp of his profession, wo .siiould say it was a gentleman who was hi the habit oi atcendiiig patients on a monument. A gentleman in Ohio, who died recently, bequeathed to lii-j wife a handsome sum, pioviding in. his will that in case she married again it should be doubled. As winds the ivy round the tree, as tothe crag the in. ss patch ioot.s, so clings my cmstaut soul to tb.ee I my own— my beautiful— my boots. The reason why children di 3, says " Hall's Journal of Health," is because they are'uofc taken care ofFiom tiie day of birch they are stuffed with food, choked w ith physic, .s'aahed with water, suffocated iahoo rooms, and steamed with bed clothes. NoNCHALANCi;.— I have the pleasure ot knowingvery slightly, a Conipaiiion of the Order of Valour who carried the colors of his regiment at the Alma it was his " baptism ot fire." At the most critical moment of the clay, when the troops were strugglingdesperately vp (> the terrible hill side." somewhat dia" ordered by the vineyards and opeii ground ; whea the Guards were reeling- and staggering under the deadly hail that beat right in their faces; the man I sppak of turned to the comrade nearest him and remarked, " Do you suppose they always shoot as fast as this, Charley ? I dare say its the correct thing, though." They say his manner was as listless and. unconcerned as usual, with just a shade of diffidence and doubt, as if he had been consulting a diplomatic iriend on some iioint of etiquette at a foreign court. " Barren Honour,' in Fraser's Magni>nc y A young fellow, the son of an eminent dancing master applying to a friend as to w}\at trade or profession he should follow, was answered, "I think you cannot do better than follow tlie steps of your father." A Spanish papef says that wolves are abundant, in that country. Broadcloth must bo in demand there if their wolves, like a good many of our are in the habit of wearing sheep's clothiug. In one of the southern counties, during a recent assize, a witness, who prevaricated a good cleal, was roughly interrogated by counsel as to the nature 'of an oath, anil the awful consequences of breaking '• Pa you know, my good girl (thundered the Crowniwyer> what would happen to you if you perjured your^ self?" "Troth, I do well, sir," said she, "I wouldn't get my expenses." A farmer in the neighborhood of Doncaster was met by his landlord who accosted him thus : "John I intend to raise your rent ;" k> which John replied, " Sir, I am much obliged to you for 1 cannot raise it myself." The following epitaphs convey a back-handed compliment (unconsciously, no doubt), to the unfortunate deceased's lord and master ;— " Maria Brown, wife of Timothy Brown, aged eighty years. She lived with. her husband fifty years, and died in the confident hope of a better life," " I don't miss my church so much as you suppose,'* said a lady to her minister, who called on hor (luring her illness, "fov I make B^tsy sit afc th-3 window as, soon as the bell begins ta ring, and sho tells me who are going to church, and whether they have got on anything new.'' Home is the residence not merely of the body but of the heart. It is a, place for the affections to unfold and develope tuemselves ; for children to love and loam and play in ; for husband and wife to toil smilingly together and make life a blessing. The ab.s ject of all ambition should be to be happy elsewhere. It is the proof of the virtues of a family circle ta see a happy fireside. Wenius, inspired by invention, rends the veil that separates existence from possibility, peeps into tho dark, and catches a shape, a feature, or a color in the reflected ray. Talent, though panting, pursues genius through the plains of invention, but stops short at the brink that separates the real from the possible. Be and continue poor, young man, while otters around you grow rich by fraud and disloyalty ; be without, place or power, while others beg their way upwards ; bear the pain of disappointed hopes, while others gain the accomplishment of theirs hy flattery • forego the gracious pressure of the hand, for wHcn* others cringe and crawl. Wrap yourself up in your own virtue, and seek a friend and your daily bread. If you have, in such a course grown old with, hair unblenched, bless God aud die. It is said by an Americaja'paper, that when David slew Gcoliah with a sling, the latter fell ston; dead and of course was quite astonisUla, as such a thinff never entered his head before. A woman offering to sign a deed, the Judge asked , her if her husband compelled her to sign. « He compel me !' said the woman ; ' no, nor twenty such as him,' ! One day Milton wis asked by a friend whether he wouldinstructhisdaughtersinthedifiefentlano-uaKes to which lie replied, ' Ko, sir : one tong&e is sufficient for a woman.' Why is the letter G like an individual who has left an evening party? Because it makes 'one* ' gone. J Why is a selfish friend like the letter P? Because, ' though tne hrst in pity, he is last in help. ' Y !? u , think y° u «*> a great man,' said an impertinent lellow to a gentleman whom he had insulted. Yes, I am a real thumper,' replied the gentleman, " suiting the action, to the word, } A DITTY FOR DOCTORS. 3, One doctor, single, like the sculler plies, The patient struggles, and by inches dies : But two physicians, like a pair of otas, " " TO ¥m iHJW smoothly to the iStysw shores