Varieties.

Otago Witness, Issue 537, 15 March 1862, Page 7

Varieties.

Galignani states that araonpfihs p.ipers of a wealthy old geatlonuu. who died very suddenly in the gardens of tlie Tiulniod on Saturday, the following r.ote, da'.ed so far back as 181?, v.13 found :— " When I am doa i, I de&ire tl.at my free shall be covered with a pitch plater, 010-iijy 'uiti.cly the :h.>L:ls so ,-,.3 to pi'evuitu .t ii t'ini in life in t ! io gi-avo , and t'ust aftervwt.dy <i dejj) in iio i sluii le u-.du in in/ heart. I wj.sii to be buried without any coffin, and also dtsh-e thai the euith &h ul be carefully trodden down on lay body."

" India, my boys," said an Irishman to his friend on his arrival at Calcutta, "is jist the finest climate under the sun ; but a lot of young fellows coiuc out here, and they dhrink and they ate, and they ate and they dhrink, and they die ; thin they write home to their friends a pack o' lies, and say it's the climate as has killed 'em." .

A gentleman who had carefully trained up hislrHi servant in the way he should go, so that, when his wife was present, he might not depart from it, sent, him with a box-ticket for the theatre to the house of a young lady. The servant returned when the gentleman and his wife were at dinner. He had of co-are been told in giving answer to cu-tain kinds oi" messages, to substitute the masculine for the feminiae pronoun in speaking of the lady. "Did you see hi in ?" said the gentleman giving him the cue. " Ye.-;, sir," replied the sen-ant, "" he said he'd go -nidi a great deal of pleasure, and that h:'d wait for yoa, sir." " What w^s he doing !" asked the wife, carelessly, "lie was putting on his bonnet, was the reply. Great "noise and confusion." Wife ill for a week.

A farmer was a«ked ivhy he did not take in a newspaper. " Because (said he) ray father, when he died, left me a good many newspapers and I have noi, read them through. A house painter in London grained a door so exactly in imitation of oak, that ia^ year it put forth a quantity of leaves, and grew an excellent crop of acorns.

Papa," I planted some potatoes in our garden," said one of the smart youths of this genoration to his father, " and what do you think came up?" " Why, potatoes, of course !" ''No, &ir : there came up a drove of hogs, and cat them all." A sei vvatn t recently advertised for a situation, aud the v/iia of a merchant bent to make inquiries about her. The girl called at (he house of the enquirer the next morning, and apologised for doing so, stating* she was passimr through the street and thought she would call. " I sent for you," s-.vi.l the housekeeper, ' and thought, of course,' you would come." " No, mann," replied the girl, "when a ' lady ' advertise-! for a place it is expected that the person wanting her services will call. That is the etiquette of advertising !" "J\£ ST " Phraseology.— "Expensive ls.,comc to o 1 6," which means—" Dear Bob, come to tea between 5 and 6."

A\ankee has just invented a method to catch rats. He says :— Locate your bed in a place much infested with these animals, and, on retiring, put out the lißiit. Then strew your pillow with some suron-.'-suielling cheese, three or four red herrings, some barley-meal or new malt, and a sprinkling of dried cod-fish. Keep awake until you rind the rats at work, and then make a grab !" The following remark was made by a swell, inspecting through hi.s eye glass a very small infant, exhibited to lum, at the instance of its lather, by its nurse :— " Welcome little stwanger ! Baby, singular queechaw — of cawse. aw ! va.s once a b\by m>hflf. Ought to make a feller humble— the ideaw of haviui? evaw bejn ho much a puppy." A lady correspondent of the Boston Times gives her ideas of perfect bliss in the following parajjiapli:— " I'm a worn m with a woman's weakness, and, having a good constitution, can bear a great deal of happiness. If I was asked my idea of peifect bliss, I should say, 'A- fast hor^e, a duck of a cutter, pleat v of buffalo robes, a neat-fitting overcoat with a limxSsome man in it, and— one of Madame Walsh's little French bonnets.' If that wouldn't be happiness for one lifetime, I'm open to ouvietiou as to what would."

Wii'K (very indignantly) : Ah ! there's the Do.tor s boy at last, my dear with your physic. It's t»,> bad ! Keeping the house up to this, hour of the night ! What right has he to come so lat2 as tui o clock I— Servant (who answered the door) : If you please mum, the milliner has called with your uuw dreas, and wishes to know if you will try it oa ?—? — Wife (ia quite another tone) : Certainly, Susin. Show her into the dining-room, and say I 'will come directly.— Punch.

A young lady, fond of dancing, traverses in the course of a season about 400 -niles. Yet no lady would think of walking that distance in six monLlu. Sarah, said a wag, it's all over town I What's all over town ] was the anxious enquiry. Mud. Sarah's eyes dropped. It lias ueon proved before the Tariff Committee of the Victorhn that the bulk of the brandy consumed in the colony as genuine cognac was ujver distilled from the grape at all, but from not merely potatoes, but from refuse potatoes, for which the demand is so large in France, by reason of this lucrative trade, that shiploads of the produce of this cast ott esculent were continually introduced from England. The brandy drunk by New South Wales, wo presume, is similarly maaufactuieJ. Visitors from Boulogne declare (says the Critic) that the Lord Chancellor's new Bankruptcy Act is the most popular reading in that city of sanctuary. It is evea said that Mr. Merridew (the local Mudie) has had to provide 400 copies of that interesting work.

A man from the country applied lately to a respectable lawyer for legal advice. After detailing the circumstances of the case, he was asked if he had stated the facts exactly as they occurred. '* On ay, sir, " rejoined the applicant ; " I thouht it best to tell you the plain t:u:h; you can pit the less till't yersel.

Voltaire says that the reputation of Dante will be continually gt owing greater and greater, because there is notiody now that reads hini. Tiiis sentiment must be a source of great consolation to many of our modern poets, who have already lived to see themselves arrive at this point of greatness.

By the year 2000 (says a late American paper) it is probable that manual labor will have utterly ceased under the sun, and the use of the adjective " hardfisted" will have gone for ever. We have now in New Hampshire a potato-digging machine, which, drawn by horses down the rows, digs the potatoes, separates them from the dirt, and loads them up into the cart, whilst the farmer walks alongside whistling " Hail, Columbia !" with his hands in his pockets The peasants of Huntingdonshire are proverbial for their boorishness. One day, a lady, riding through the grounds of a friend to whom she was on a visiit, found the gate closed which was the outlet from the fields to the high road; a peasant hoy stepped forward, and, bowing, opened the gate that she might pass. " What is your name {" asked the lady. '• Tuminus," said the boy, with another bow. ' Ah!" replied the lady, giving him a shilling, "I see you are not a Huntingdon boy, you are so civil." To which the urchin rejoined, "Thee'rt a liar • I be."

The Dutch Plat Inquirer says :— " We noticed a lady ia our streets, recently, arrayed in the national colors, and she created quite a sensation. She had red hair, blue eves, aud a snow. white neck. It is said she is for Union."

To make a pretty girl's cheeks red, pay her a sweet compliment. To redden those of an impudent man, slap them. We are told that, in Birmingham, the common bats fly only at twilight. Brickbats, however, fly at all hours.

A conscientious American editor (there is about one left) thus pathetically says :— " The symbol of the Union, I have always been told, was stars and stripes; but as far as my painful experience goes, it's tar and feathers."

A strong-minded lady (a very light 'blue') was asked what an Educational Minute was like, when she replied, " I have not the slightest notion, my dear, but I conjecture that every ' JfJour of Progress' must be composed of nothing but 'Educational Minutes.' "

The Bavarian compatriotes of the Amazonian exQueen of Naples delight in calling her " JDieHeldmn yon Ga'e'ta." So painfully skittish and cruelly painful in many of her antics is this mnch-bepufied and over-puffing heroine, that we do think it would be .all fin b^ter for her if she were a little J2ieZd-i«(jj)!--. Punch.

Hoops, when f wornby ladies, have the of turning them into butts. Old gent : "Do you know what a lie is, sir." Little boy : " Ob, don't I, jest; I tell lots of 'em. If the eat had wings, no birds would be iefc in the air. It everyone had what he is wishing, we would have anything ? It is said that a watch dog is not so large in the morning as at night, because he is left out at night and taken in in the morning. Papa reading in hearing of an intelligent child— " The men were then mustered on deck preparatory to disembarkation," "Oh, papa, said the child, " how funny the men must have looked all over mustard."

Different" sounds will travel with different velocity. A call to dinuer will run over a ten acre lot in a moment nnd a half; while a summons to return to work takes from five to eight minutes.

These six— the peevish, the niggard, the dissatisfied, the passionate, the suspicious, and those who live upoa other's means— are for ever unhappy. A letter from a young soldier ot the Federal army at Camp Crittenden, Missouri, says:— "We live on the fat of th 6 land. Any sheep, hogs, green corn, potatoes, calves, &c., which do not know the counteisigii are taken prisoners ; and if they do not take the oath of allegiance to the Government, they are immediately put to death." By six qualities may a fool be known -.—Anger without cause ; speech without profit; change without motive; injury without an object; putting trust in a stranger; and without capacity to discriminate •■ ' between a friend and- afoe. •• • ~ --^ : • £■-