THE HUMOUR OT LIFE.

Otaki Mail, 1 September 1930, Page 4

THE HUMOUR OT LIFE.

is APERIES OF DELIGHTFUL :.:.:-?:>.: REMINISCENCES.

-ADDRESS BY REV. G. S. COOK.

To the inquiry, "A philosopher, , sir?" addressed to him by a frequenter : of- the British Museum library, Mr Pickwick gave the memorable answer, "An observer of human nature, sir. And the description applies also in an adequate sense to the speaker at the Levin Chamber of Commerce Lunch Club's gathering on Friday—the Key. G. S. Cook, of Otaki Beach, who, m the course of his vacation and travels, has not failed to be impressed and often amused by the . quaintnesses and whimsicaLities of those people who are colloquially dubbed "characters," and who have generally some amiable qualities to commend them. The title of bis-.address, therefore, "Queer Citizens and Dear Citizens," was well chosen, and his skill as a raconteur made the subject additionally interesting. Mr J. D. O'Connor presided over a fairly good attendance, in the Oxford Tea-rooms, and apologies for absence were received" from Messrs J. W. Gibson,, 11. G. Kerslake, F. J. Ramsay and J. A. Smith.

The speaker mentioned that he was one of the founders of the Citizens' Lunch Club in Palmerston North and had had the pleasure of addressing it at various times. On this occasion he proposed to reveal a series ■of little side-lights on the study of human nature as he had found it in some of the people with whom he had come in contact at different periods of his life. A selection of these reminiscences is here given. A lady of a very hospitable nature had promised to have accommodation available for Mr Cook at any time he might be visiting her neighbourhood. On one ' occasion, however, she must have, been hard put to it to keep her word, for she informed him, "Your room is occupied, but we have a nice clean lumber-room where we put things that we don't want, and we'll put you there.''

When he was about to leave a certain locality, a lady of the Catholic faith, with whose husband —a horsedealer and of good reputation —ho had done some business, asked him to come and say good-bye to them. He complied, and in her parting message she i said, "It is wonderful how you get attached to people. We had a badtempered Church of England man, but we were sorry to lose him, and we are sorry to lose you." It was not humour, but something more, penetrating that Mr Cook heard from a sea-captain who was in the Auckland Hospital owing to an accident. The mariner said to him, "1 have made a discovery since I have been here. I have discovered that we have got a thousand corners in us and death /at every corner, and when 1 think of the kind of life I have led for 00 years, nothing but a special Providence could account for this being my first visit to a hospital." HOME "REMEDIES. Two characters that the speaker had met in hospital were a bush oracle and a North.of Ireland man who was in a bad way with cancer. The oracle Baid to the other patient, "If the doctors cannot do anything for you, why don't they try the recipes in the newspaper? I saw one that was written by a lady with a universal education. Why don't they dry marshmallows?" "What do you do with them?" asked the other patient. "Eat them." "How do you eat'them?"

"Like a cow." The bushman also said that he had cured .his son of appendicitis in half an hour. "How did you cure it?"

"Fern-tops. Then me—l hurt my leg and went to the doctor's, and I went home and cured myself with my own embrocation; two applications." "Why don't you sell it?" "■People wouldn't buy it." "Why'?'.' "Too simple."

"What is in it?" "Linseed ile and eyester shells." AN OLD-TIME HUSH POLICEMAN. Years ago Mr Cook knew a policeman who was an Irishman —no infrequent combination in those days. Underlying this constable's unconscious humour was some practical wisdom. The problem with which the clergy and the police had to deal, he told Mr Cook, started in the home; the lack of discipline, of obedience and respect for authority found its way outside, and, he asked, "how are we going to deai with it 3." He respected his father for the way he had laid the stick on him as a boy. HORSE OVERBOARD.

When a horse and cart were backed over a wharf into the harbour, this same constable whipped a lifebelt off the hook and threw it to the horse.

One evening the sergeant found the constable sweating over a report which he had to prepare about two boys stealing some chemises. When asked what was worrying him, the Irishman replied, "I've borrowed all the neighbours' dictionaries and looked through

ill] the 'S's,' and I cannot find out what a chemise is." A NAME TO PUN AWAY WITH. A story about this policeman which hud found its way into American papers was recounted by Mr Cook. One night there was a disturbance among some Austrian gum-diggers. A man was pointed out as having been responsible for the trouble, arid the constable asked him his name. The reply was. "Schichki." "Whisky?" said the constable. Then he asked the man to spell it. After several attempts to write it down, the Irishman closed his notebook and said. "Look here, me boy, I'm going to give you one more chance. iTou get round that corner and run for your life, and never fall into the hands of a constable again, with a name like that." ADVICE TO A SPORTSMAN. Another amusing anecdote related by the lecturer was about a sportsman who wished to shoot rabbits on tliO property of a gentleman in the Auckland district who made it a rule, not to allow anybody to indulge in this X>astii_e on his land. The visitor was accompanied by a friend, and tile two used very persuasive arguments, specially 'stressing, the sportsman's intelligence, 'experience 1 and. eare. At I 'last the owner'said he would make an'exception in this case, but, as hi* erstwhile guests departed, he added, "The condition is that you shoot'only bucks. Good. iftenioon." A HABD NUT FOB THE RATIONALIST, , Some: of the. reminiscences ha<| to d<t< .'with a minister in Melbourne," Isaac Selby, who had- formerly been a Bationalist lecturer. When in Queens-j land, he ■paid n : . visit :.tO".a'shpemaker, : = who was' a Sunday: School'superintend- < ent and who asked him the reason for j his coming to the town. Selby told ! him, "I ani round to'upset the Bible." j "That:'is .easily'done,'" was the reply, i The visitor expressed surprise, and the ] shoemaker wen*-on, "It does not make I any difference. .Tie BiMe'is-bnilt four--] ■ B(|ffiareJ"-" When' jpu upset'it, itisffil' re-' ] mains there." The freethinker tried the cobbler again by asking him if he! rbelteveji that -the wricked - were,, to : go j into'.:.a., .bottomk'ss pit filled with; fire-j and briimrtoit*.". "Did you never 'see.'] it?" asked the shoemaker, and he took 1 .Si*lby i: out .and. said, "Xou sec tie sun. "

What is it but a bottomless pit filled I with fire""arfd"Brimstone?" addirtg that scientists had -predicted that the earth would*fcveutually fall into the sun. At his meeting the same evening, Selbie was very pleased to see that his friend was not* present, to ask him, any questions. YOUTHFUL IMAGINATION. A boy of live was very clever at drawing, and showed Mr Cook a sketch of a two-storey house, with a lady looking out of an upper window. The minister asked the boy why'there was no veranda, and he answered, "There is a veranda, but this is the back of the house, and the veranda is on tliir front.'' Mr Cook then remaikecP/tsr him, "People would have fowls at tiro back," and the boy replied, "There are fowls, but they'have got into the front garden." In conclusion the lecturer said ho hoped that his hearers would all look for the queemesses and deamesses in other people,' also in themselves, for it was a splendid asset for a mall to be able at times to laugh at 'himself as well as at other people. In moving a very hearty vote op thanks to Mr Cook for his humorous; and interesting address, Mr P. W. Goldsmith expressed the hope that that gentleman would be able to regale the members with (further anecdotes on' I some future occasion. He added that ' Mr Cook evidently had a very good opinion of this coast, as he had cVii.iu : back to Otaki after being in many parts of the Dominion.

The motion was carried by acclamation.