AMERICAN HUMOUR.

Ohinemuri Gazette, Volume XXVI, Issue 3367, 15 March 1915, Page 4

AMERICAN HUMOUR.

At NlgM. "A .woman's crowning glory i* her hair," Has often been said t At night youUl find it lying everywhere But on her head.

Half-Trained.— Minister: ''Young man, do you know how to dance?'* Young Man: "Well, parson, 'l. know the holds, but I don't know the steps. 1' ♦ ' ■ „# •-"-.• • ■ . His Fine.— "What punishment did that defaulting banker get?" "I understand his lawyer charged him 40,600dol." '

Easleiv-Elsie: "After" I wash my face I look in the mirror to see if it's clean. Don't you ?'» ' Bobby: "Don't have to. I look at the towel."

Uncohquered.— Youngkigh (in art museum)': "I wonder why Victory is represented as a female?" Wedmore: "It's plain to be seen you're not married."

Too. Late— Briggs: "Everybody should lay up something for a rainy day." Griggs: "True! But too many wait until it begins to sprinkle before starting ' to- do so."

Real Proof— "That," said Mr, Duitin Stax, "is a magnificent art treasure." , "How do you know? By the painter's signature?'s. "No.. By my own signature on the cheque I gave the dealer."

No Likeness.—"Geese are supposed to be symbolic of all.that is foolish." "Well, go on." "But you never see an old gander hoard up a million kernals of com and then go around trying to mate with a. gosling."

Practical—"Yes. my friend,' I was about" to marry the Countess when I suddenly learned that she spent more than 12,000d01. a year on her dress-, maker." "Then what did you do?' 1 ' " "Married the dressmaker."

Eloquent.—"Breildren an' sistern," said the old coloured preacher, "I'se • gwinc to preach a powahful sermon dis mawnin'. l'sc g-wine to define de undefinable. I'se going to explain dc uncxplainable, an' I'se gwine to unI screw de unscrutablc."

♦ »f -•.-,* ... # ■ • Whsra ;It Began.—-The building of .the-Tower-of Babel was progressing nicely •when suddenly some one asked,:, "How arc we going- to solve the trust question ?" Thence arose such a confusion qf tongrucs that no one has been able to understand any one else ever since. * ♦' ♦ /# #

Juvenile WisUsm>— "Papa, how many men lune been Presidents of the "United States?" "Twenty six, I think,' Kitty." "How manj- of them are alive now?" "Two." "Why, it's almost certain death 1, isn't it!" ♦ . . ♦ . # # ■ «

Immune.—The Hon. Tim Sullivan of Tammany fame tells of a young philosopher he encountered not long ago on the street. This lad was'of diminutive size, and carried under his arm such a load of newspapers that the Hon. Tim was i.ioved to pity. "Son." asked the Tammanyite, •"don't all those papers make you tired?" "Nope," cheerfully^ replied the bit of humanity • "I can't read." *""■■ #";•:/■.*, ,'':... ♦'■.■. * Patriotic.-r-'slr; Bryce tells a brief story to illustrate the exalted opinion that he thinks Americans generally have of their nationality. It was in a schoolroom, and during a review of history since the creation. "Who was the -first man?" the examining teacher asked. "Washington," hastily replied a bright boy, quoting a familiar slogan, "first in war, first in peace, first —-"• "Wrong- Adam was the first man." "Oh," the pupil sniffed disgustedly, "if you are talking, about foreigners—" .. • ■ .■ ;'

Why Consider Them?— "l think the school teachers in this town ought to get. more money than they do." ','-■■, "What put 'that kind of an idea in your head?' 1 ; "Why should we expect the peopl« wlio are educating our children to work for 70dol v d\ 80dol. a month, when we pay our chauffeurs at least itiOdol., and furnish them with board and lodging besides?'' . "But what does school teachin' amount to, anyhow- ? Look at most of the teachers. They ain't got nothin' but education."

Up to Date.— Mrs. Gadder: "What do you know about these people who have moved ii^across the way?" . Mrs. Homer: "Not a thing, except that their name is Gimpus, the man works in an office down-town, the woman gives music lessons, they take their dinner twice a week at a restaurant, have their washing done away from the house, and the plumber has been there twice in the last four days to mend leaks in the water pipe.That's the. way tljey usually print r conversation of this kind in the papers you know, and I don't want to appear to be a back number."— "Chicago TTifcmnP." ■ ■