THE COMMON ROUND

Otago Daily Times, Issue 23930, 4 October 1939, Page 2

THE COMMON ROUND

By Wayfarer

While the Germans are drinking coffee made from acorns, the British patrol has seized and impounded two tons of Arabian coffee consigned to his Excellency Herr Hitler. A dictator who's Aryan Twitched at his mo. Said: " Teetotalitarian

Now we must go. " Some nuts to my nation, And coffee for me, We'll have no libation Stronger than tea! " But the British navee— « Could a trick have been scabier? Grabbed all the coffee On its way from Arabia! Now his people drink beer. Or concoctions more spurious. While their dictator drear Becomes more and more Fuhrious!

The war worries of Hermann (" Glamour Boy ") Goering are of a different character. We can confidently assume that his main difficulty at the present time is concerned with another aspect of the Allied import restrictions. One cannot have new uniforms without materials to make them from, and Hermann's tailors may soon be faced with the nightmare necessity (for he is, one must freely admit, a fine figure of a man mountain) of cutting his coats to fit the cloth. That they would then also fit the man mountain is highly improbable. ,

If, however, uniforms become difficult for Hermann the Hefty to import, there is still the possibility of his using some already in Germany ■in which he has not been seen as yet. Our authority for this true tale is a Czechoslovakian:

Hitler was attending the opera. While an inferior Aryan Siegfried pursued his arduous way through the non-Semitic brass barrage of Wagner, the Fuhrer slumbered in his box. The curtain came down. The audience, under the watchful eye of SS guards, applauded dutifully. Hitler slept on. . An agitated commissionaire, resplendent in scarlet tunic, gold lace, and tassels, ventured to shake the snoring Fuhrer's shoulder. " Mein Fuhrer," he whispered nervously, "the opera is over." Hitler drowsily opened one eye, and vaguely observed the effulgent blaze of scarlet cloth and gold buttons confronting him. "Why, Goering." he said protestingly, "you've got another new uniform!" Which reminds us that we have been informed that the first and most striking result of the SovietGerman pact has been the appearance of Herr General Hermann ("Herbaceous") Goering in the uniform of a boatman in the Volga sardine fleet.

Not that the Nazi Golden Lads (every Pooh-Bah a ticket-of-leave millionaire), are in as perplexing a position as the New Zealand importer. Though they may suffer from import restrictions —bombs and shells, however, being on the free list—they apparently do not suffer from export credit trouble. That every million deposited to their credit in Luxembourg or Argentina adds to their dis-credit in Germany perhaps does not trouble them. Yet even with these wise precautions, it seems, difficulties may arise. Recent reports suggest that the authorities have written " Overdrawn" to the account of Herr Doktor Paul (" Gobbling the Garrulous ") Goebbels. If the gang has plenty of money, it also has plenty for which it will have to pay.

The Repertory Society's production at His Majesty's last week was set in a mythical country under a totalitarian form of Government, wherein the well-drilled populace greeted all and sundry with the cry "The State is all!" The audiences at the play, with thoughts of the compulsory German goat-bleat, " Hell— " excuse us, please, we mean " Heil Hitler!" found this amusing, especially when a newcomer was presented to a family group and arms were raised all round while the cry was exchanged "The State is'all!" We were amused, too, at what seemed an excellent satirising of a somewhat square-headed Nazi custom.

After the theatre we went to supper at a friend's. There was a stranger present, and introductions preceded the fish-and-chips and saveloys with mash. The formula was as follows: Hostess: Miss Blank, you haven't met Mr Blot? Miss Blank: How-di-do. Mr Blot: How-di-do. Hostess: And Mrs Blob. Mr Blot: How-di-do. Mrs Blob: How-di-do, Hostess: And this is Mr Blob.

Mr Blob: How-di-do. Mr Blot: How-di-do. Hostess: And Miss Boom.

Mr Blot: How-di-do. Miss Boom: How-di-do. Well, we are not going to reveal to you the names of all who were present, in case some of them had carelessly mislaid their wives and absentmindedly picked up somebody else's by mistake and brought them along instead (that being the sort of party it turned out to be), but you can see what we mean? Indeed, we have begun to think that this " The State is all!" idea may not be so foolish after all, compared with the polite animal noises with which vour true Briton whinnies greetings. For the nurposes of New Zealand, perhaps, it could be amended —the Government having recently developed a somewhat acute case of amending amblyopia (dimness of sight found in the case of hysteria)—to "The State takes all!"'

This somewhat fishy business of the Nazi unrestricted submarine warfare ("But you should have seen," says the proud commander of the U-boat which sunk the Athenia, "the one that got away! ") reminds us that even for this refinement of war-waging on the unprotected and non-combative the Germans can claim no Aryan originality. From Leonardo da Vinci's " Notes ": How by a certain machine many may stay some time under water and how and wherefore. I do not describe my method of remaining under water and how long I can remain without eating. Ido not publish, nor divulge, by reason of the evil nature of men, who would use them for assassinations at the bottom of the sea by destroying ships, and sinking them together with the men in them Having now studied to the full the art of under-water assassination, perhaps our friend the enemy will pass on to the next chapter, on how to get along without eating. Heaven knows we wish no nation starvation, but a dietary of " Pie Humble a la Hitler" must.be prescribed.

There is a suspicion in Istanbul that Stalin is planning to have Turkey for Christmas.

Germanv. it is stated, is fast becoming Hitler-plus-Stalin. While Poland has rapidly become Stalin-minus-Hitler.