THE COMMON ROUND

Otago Daily Times, Issue 22963, 19 August 1936, Page 2

THE COMMON ROUND

By Wayfarer

From Heriot way, this soliloquy: SPORT’S DOMINATION Dear “Wayfarer,”—A scientific pamphlet on the cause and prevention of a well-known disease has reached me. In it the “ golfball, crickctball or even football ” are employed as units of anatomical measurement. What next? Imagine the methodical professor in his “ Short Introduction to the Study of Chilblains” (in 3 vols.) preferring ping-pong balls to millimetres as his linear measure. Or may we look forward to this style in the daily papers: “As the result of a knock-out in Princes street south about 2 dropkicks and a mashie shot from the new Post Office at 10 minutes past final whistle on the second Shield day a motorist was charged with committing a foul. At to-day’s trial the opening witness was P.C. 49, who said, “My position relative to the accident was coverpoint; defendant’s car was fastmedium, with a swerve from leg, and appeared to break sharply before catching the plaintiff on the half-volley. Plaintiff seemed to be damaged in the bodyline, and staggered away towards square leg, whence he was assisted to the boundary by several spectators. Tyre burns were 51 cues long and 4 bats from the boundary.” It was stated that the defence would be based on an appeal against the light, on the bad state of the pitch, and on the grounds that the nlaintiff was guilty of contributory negligence by failure to adopt the two-eyed .stance when preparing to cross the fairway. Defendant stoutly opposed the suggestion that he was under the influence of the xixth, adding that he had not potted the Black and White since stumps on the previous day.” For years the British have used sporting conduct as their standard of behaviour, but surely sporting terms would be even more complicated as weights and measures than our present cumbrous system.

But it is obvious the old tables of measure we had to learn at school are not sufficiently expressive or explicit for. all purposes. Sometimes they require to be changed about; when we say “ a man of substance ” we weigh him in £ s. d. rather than avoirdupois. Sometimes they are simplified of necessity: it’s all right to ask for a pint of beer (not that a pint of beer measures a pint—in New Zealand), but the bar-tender’s job would become too complicated if. desiring a mere fraction of a pint, we specified it in decimals of fluid ounces. And how much simpler and sweeter (not to say safer) it is, in extolling the charm of a lady, to observe “She’s as high as my heart ” or “ She has buckets of 5.A.,” rather than endeavour to measure the extent of her attraction in feet, hectares and kilometres.

Every man, indeed, has his own standard of measurement. We might instance the case of a country doctor who was also a keen fisherman. He was'whipping a stream one afternoon when called suddenly to a confinement. A. healthy boy having been brought into the world, the doctor was earnestly requested by the proud father to ascertain its weight. No measuring appliance was available in the house, but the doctor then bethought himself of his fishing scales, which were in his car at the gate. He produced them, and the baby was duly weighed. It turned the scales at 17 pounds.

And while we are obstetrically speaking, perhaps with quintuplets, quadruplets and such manner of bountiful births so much in public notice, we should record the interesting and duly-attested incident which occurred in one of these cases of multiple delivery. It appears that the second child, of several, on entering the world, tapped its immediate predecessor on the shoulder and said, in a voice charged with apprehension; “Sh-h! Don’t look round, but I believe there’s somebody following us.”

In view of the miracles of modern science and invention (our anecdotes, we hasten to explain, fit under the first heading, not the second), if an explanation •is required for these numerous cases of duplicated, triplicated, • and even exaggerated blessings bestowed upon one family all together one at a time, we might put it down to Nature at her old pursuit of adjustment. Compared with the prodigal productiveness of the Victorian era, this is comparatively a childless world. What more natural than that Nature, abhorring the vacant cradles, should proceed to restock them by the approved present-day principle of mass production?

A hilltop contributor provides a few metrical thoughts on the waning of winter, of which the last stanzas follow: They shout of the wonderful goals to be made, On Carisbrook Ground when the great game is played, Twlxt Otago and Southland —Hlelan’ pipers an’ a’. Who will proudly march onward, regardless of snaw. But give mo an armchair, with wireless timed In, And I’ll see with my mind’s eye, and hear all the din; Our announcer is Al, I feel I’m just there, As I sit by the fire in my old easy chair. It is not the right spirit. One must question whether a person is entitled to enjoy his football match without making an effort to see it, just as the right to enjoy a sunset that is unpaid for has been questioned. But being ourself more addicted to armchairs than Rugby, we can sympathise.

Talking of pipe bands, we have this true story from a reliable source:

A pipe band was formed in a country town in Otago, and when it had attained a fair state of efficiency the decision was made to hold a contest among the bands of the district. In order that there should be no suggestion of favouritism, the local committee secured a judge from the north, and he was enclosed in a tent when listening to the four pipe bands that took part in the contest. When he emerged to give his decision there was some dismay at his announcement that he had placed the five bands in a certain order.

“ But,” It was explained to him, “ there were only four bands competing.” The mystery was solved, however, when it was found that the acute judge had unconsciously awarded tiie winning medal to the local timber mill, which had been operating during the afternoon.

There seems to be no limit to the vanity of Dunedin people. Only a short time ago we noted a superior gentleman’s home advertised for sale. Now there is offering a beautiful gentleman’s residence.

Personally, we prefer the sound of a seven-roomed gentleman who was advertising his house in the same issue. He should have an adequate capacity to entertain the good things of life.

“In my opinion, said Mr Nash, “ it will tax the vision, imagination and capacity of the present Government . . .” We can sympathise

—it is going to tax ours, too, just to pay the taxes.