ARTEMUS WARD.

Otago Daily Times, Issue 20075, 16 April 1927, Page 11

ARTEMUS WARD.

A QUAINT HUMOURIST. SELF-CONFESSED SHOWMAN. This prince of humorists had something of Barrie and Dennis in him, and anticipated both these famous tollers of stories. Like them, ho knew tho atmosphere of the newspaper office, and graduated from reporter to contributor and author, bnlike them, he openly announced himseli as a showman, who set aside his baptismal name of Charles Farter Browne for tho now universally known title of Artemus Ward. He ventured first upon the seat of literature with a description of an imaginary travelling menagerie. His show consisted of “three moral Bares, a Kangaroo (a amoozin little raskal) —t’would make you larf yerself to deth to see the little cuss jump up and squeal), wax figgers of G. Washington, Gen. Tayler, John Bunyan, Capt. Kidd, and Dr Webster in tho act of killin’ Dr Parkman. besides several miscellanyus moral wax statoos of celebrated piruts and murderers, etc., ekalled by few and exceld by none. . All for 15 cents." To the editor to whom he sent this with an order for handbills, ho added: “My pcrlitical sentiments agree with yourn exackly. 1 know they do, becawz I never saw a man whoos didn’t." A theatrical manager in California telegraphed to him: “What will you take for forty nights in California?” He promptly replied: ‘‘Brandy and water.” He never tired of joking about his personal appearance. He was tall and thin, had light-coloured hair, a prominent nose and white, soft, slender hands, about which he was a trifle vain. He wore a very large moustache, and had tho bearing of a naturally-born gentleman. His accent was not markedly American, and though his voice was soft, he could make himself heard in large halls. While he lectured in a way to set his audience laughing boisterously, he himself was solemn as an owl. He seemed quite indifferent about what he was saying, yet ho know how to entertain. His delivery was said to be characterised by pauses, jerky emphases and odd inflexions o voice. On paper the jokes may seem rather dull; one needed to hear him. The stories had the appearance of impromptu tales, and the humorous additions or comments left the impression of their be ing after thoughts. Ilis abstracted manner and melancholy aspect added to the enjoyment of everything. In a fragment of autobiography he says he began his career “with a small canvas tent and a pea-green ox, which he rubbed it off while scratchin’ hisself agin the centre pole." “The ox rcsoom’d agriculttooral pursools shortly afterwards.’ Among bis “wax Aggers” was one of Socrates arrayed in a brown linen duster and a U.S’, army regulation cap. At a certain town ho advertised a ‘‘wax figger as tho “Hon’ble Amos Perkins,” nut forgot that he had shown the same “figger’ P for a “pirut” named Gibbs in the some place the previous year. He was forced to leave, and the local paper said: “Altho’ time has silvered this man’s head with its frosts, ho still brazenly wallows in infamy. Still are his snakes stuffed, and his waxworks unreliable.” To the joy of his Iriends, he published a Fourth of July oration. Some of it« sentences are charming. *1 don t know nothin’ about no ded languages, ■ and am a little shaky on livin’ ones. I’m not a politician, and my other habits are good. The prevailin’ weakness of most public men is to slop over. They get filled up and slop. They rush Washington never slopt over. That wasn t George’s style. I tell you, feller citizens it would h&VO bin ten dollars in Jon Davis’s pocket if he’d never bin born. Be shore and vote at least once at all eleeshuns. Buckle on yer armcr and go to tho poles. To the poles! And when you get there vole jest as you darn * The lectures were advertised by means of large-type programmes and recommendations One admirer is represented as saving that his wife had been dangerously unwell for over 16 years, and could m lift a teaspoon to her nioull), but got bet for as soon as she read one of Artenius Ward's lectures. She gained strength- s' rapidly that she lifted the cottage piano quite a distance from the floor and hen tipped it over on to her mother-in-law with whom she had some trouble. u g like vour lectures very ranch. Please send me a barrel of them ” An American correspondent described Mr Ward lectur ing. many of the audience sleeping tranquilly ; some leaving the room, and when ho announced that ho should never lecture in that town again the applause was absolutely deafening, , , His description of a visit to Brigham Young invests Mormonism with _ more humour than its supporters conjointly possessed. Ho wanted to write Brigham some free passes, but found he had 80 wives; that it took him six weeks to kisa them all. and he said it was worse than cleaning house. They were always wanting something, and he had not a a minute's peace. “I find that the keers of a married life way bevy on to me, said the Profit, “and sumtimes I wish I’d remained singel.’ . . Tie seriously contemplated n visit to Australia after a tour in England, but health failed him. His first lecture in London was delivered at the Egyptian Hall, Piccadilly, in 1860. “If you should be dissatisfied with anything here to-night—l will admit you all free m New Zealand —if you will come to me there for the orders. Auy respectable cannibal will tell you where I shows that I have a forgiving spirit.” “I have au uncle who takes photographs—and I have a servant who takes anything he can get his hands on.” He engaged a celebrated living American skeleton for a tour through Australia, but on the voyage bo ate so much that ho was heavier than Artenius, so he took the skeleton to San Francisco and exhibited him as a fat man. _• He wrote eight papers tor Punch. His health was then failing, and writing was a considerable effort. To write for Punch had been an ambition for years. In one of bis articles he describes his Uncle Wilyim who “hllcd his coat pockets with pies and biled eggs at his weddiu’ breakfast given to him by my father, and made the clergyman ae united him a present of my father s new overcoat. His last contribution was that on too British museum, when he visited toe suffed animals. “I’ve sometimes wished I was a giraffe on account of the long distance of his mouth to his stummuck. Hence, if he loved beer one mugful would give him as much enjoyment while goin’ down as forty mugfuls would ordinary persons. ’ Ho told tho attendant that if the British nation would stand ihc expense of a marble bust of himself he'would willingly sit for it as a “dooty” he owed to posterity. The attendant thought tho. nation would not pay for it, but if Artemus paid for one himself Madame Tnssand would give it a prominent position in her Chamber of Horrors. “The young man was very polite, jiud I thnukt him kindly.” _ The original programme of his lectures in’Loudon explained that he would call on citizens and explain any jokes they ,li,l „■>( miders;and. “Mr Ward will not 1„, responsible for any debts of his own contracting." "The pretty girls of Utah mostly marry young." A person of longestablished integrity would take charge of hats and bonnets during tho entertainment, but “the audience bettor leave their money with Mr Ward; ho will return it to them in a day or two or invest it for them in America, as they may think best." In 1807 he went to the Isle of Jersey for his health, hut returned to Southampton and died there on March (!. '.l’his consummate humorist and beloved friend was most tenderly devoted to his mother, and left her a competence.