WAYS AND MEANS.

Otago Daily Times, Issue 1152, 30 August 1865, Page 5

WAYS AND MEANS.

(From the London Punch.)

Supposing the present duties were taken off several things, an enormous revenue might be obtained by levying taxes as follows:— On every " good story " told more than three times by the same person. A tax upou any one talking about the weather. Upon all amateurs on the flute, violin, and cornet, without exception. Upon all after-dinner speeches over throe minutes in length. Upon all young ladies singing Italian songs without understanding the language. Upon all young ladies or gentlemen sinking any song whatever, and, by their affected pronunciation, rendering the words totally unintelligible. "All long wandering stories without any point ought to be heavily taxed. A tax~on all dramas " taken from the French." On extensive Crinolines. Enormous tax on all pianoforte variations, and specially upon those on the " Carnival de Venise.'' On all bad dinners, and the heaviest tax possible on bad wine. Upon all burlesques and all bad puns, specially any play on the words " belle," " beau;" as, lor instance, to say of the prettiest young lady at the dinner-table, that she is " the dinner bell; or that a " beau ought to brought up at " arrow ;" and all such jokes as involve the twisting of the words " Eton," '• Harrow," "Father aud farther," " Rain and Reign," " Heir, air, hair, that ere, they air (for • they are')." " Gait and gate," " Nose, knows, and noes," " Knight and night," and all such jokes whose fun depends upon the omission, or addition of, the letter H.

There should be a duty placed upon all jokes on the names of popular artists and authors; thus there should be twopence levied on every trifling with Mellon, Pyne, Stirling, Coye, Kean, Fechter, Toole, and so forth.

The most fearful tax upon irreverent jesting on the word Punch. A tax upon mothers-in-law. Heavy.

A tax on Banting. A tax on Banting's followers. A tax on every speech of Mr Whalley. A tax upon any one who objects to smoking in a railway carriage. A tax oi 100 per cent, on every one who won't lend you five shillings. A tax upon every one who doesn't take in Punch. This, of course, will not yield many halfpence annually. And if the above list does not suffice, then let there be a tax on everybody and everything indiscriminately. God 6ave the Queen. ______________