SHINGLES FROM AN OLD ROOF.

Otago Daily Times, Issue 827, 16 August 1864, Page 6

SHINGLES FROM AN OLD ROOF.

Bt a Free and Easy Shingler,

SHINGLE THE FOURTEENTH;. —UNDER FALSE COLORS. There is an absurd tale lurking somewhere in the cobwebs of my brain anent a certain amoroui youth wbo, having committed hymeneal suicide with the object of his adoration, was considerably astonished when he beheld his bride doff her false curls, lay aside her false teeth, rub the false bloom from her crimsoned cheeks, and unscrew her false nose. Time was when in the innocence of my youthful heart, I resolutely refused to believe one word of this curious yarn. And my mental epiglottis is still too muscular to enable mc to swallow the whole of it. But, I am yet old enough to admit tbat beneath the satirical upper crust of tbe fable wbich I have quoted, there is hidden a certain substratum of truth. Lay down the paper, my dear sir,—put it aside immediately, I implore you, my still dearer madam, if you have any special reasons for knowing that I speak the truth; lest your too sensitive feelings should be shocked by any daring incursions of mine into the sacred mysteries of the toilette. Not that the old Slangier intends to be rude, Heaven forefend ! He is much too humble a rascal of the ruling sex; and would not for the world do as that ungallant old rhymester Sir John Harrington, who preferred a lady's glove to her cheek, or even to the honey of her 1 lips, averring as a rea?on, forsooth ! "Her glove's perfumed, her lip and cheek are painted." Indeed I verily opine that the bracing atmosphere of'Otago renders the use of deceptive pigments superfluous. But there are infidels abroad. Strange whispers float upon the breeze, of blushes born of the " Bloom of Roses," as I am given to understand, a certain viH.inous compound, concocted of carmine and liquid ammonia, is ostentatiously termed. It is said—goodness only knows how truly— that delicate complexions are sometimes due to violet powder, and Blanc defleursde lis; tbat eye-brows are beautified with Tieonet'nted pencils; and that even eyes—whicb might bave been supposed to be beyond tbe reach of art—are rendered eloquent by the potent aid of belladonna. Nay, move, there are not wanting rascally detractors who have the impudence to declare that the pearly teeth which have so enchanted young Lovelace, are the product of tlie dentist's studio; and who sneer at poov Gouknne for treasuring a certain lock of hair of which the best that can be said is, that it is " neat as imported." " Ci.n such fbinas be, And overcome us,.'ike a summer cloud, Without our special wonder?" 'Tis really dreadful to have one's faith in female loveliness so abruptly shaken. What! ani I to believe that "all those endearing young charms" are, even possibly,—l say nothing of probabilities — merely the product of a'-fc? Thank Heaven! I can swear to the reality, of Martha's head of: hair, ditto her teeth— what few she has left; but it just occurs to me that she always appears to far greater advantage when in full feather than upon qrdinary occasions ; —a difference which I have hitherto attributed to her exquisite taste in dress. Powers of simplicity ! how if that estimable woman paints ? I shudder at the very idea. Vi hen awful Beauty puts oa all its arras, The frir eacu moment .ri«e's in hei* charms, Benairs h-r smiles, awakens every grace. And calls fb»'ih all the wondefs ot be. face; fc'eeTs by degrees a purer (1) blu*h arise. And keenev lightning quickea iv her eyes. That is the poetry of ihe matter. Very different i? tb c prose. I should be sorry to go such lengths in denunciation as the outspoken writer of the sixteenth century, who roundly asserted that all ' sucli artifices were" the devil's inventions to entangle poor souls." But lam bound to confess that I prefer real plainness to false beauty, be it ever so cunningly put on. Depend upon ifc, my fair friends tbe face is better than the mask, no matter how homely the face may be. Bethink thee, dearest Sylvia, of the mischief to tby health, the danger to thy precious life, that lurks in the poisonous puff-box and the deadly cosmetic. Ah ! if you only knew half the secrets of the mineral compounds whose assistance you so easily invoke, surely you would avoid their use even as you would fly the plague. But why do I sermonize thu3 ? Do I attempt to persuade myself that there is one of you who will not turn a deaf ear to my prosing ? Vainest of vain thoughts ! So long as finely-arched eye-brows and piercing eyes, blooming cheeks' and lilywhite faces, Lady Audley ringlets and glistening adjuncts are the current commodities of Vanity Fair, and victims are hooked and landed—an easy prey—thereby,—so long will these odious customs continue, albeit they who resort to them may be justly regarded as the dangerfraught man-traps of Venus' preserves. To prate about beauty being only skindeep, under such circumstances, i* simply absurd. 'Tis far shallower than that, my worthy coz. But if we cry out against such vanities in woman, what shall be said to the tricks of the inferior sex. By what right does Jones sneer at the borrowed roses of Miss Smylar, or venture to insinuate a doubt concerning the reality of the golden locks and superb dentistry of Mrs Blondey, whilst he, the aforesaid Jones, is, absolutely and without the shadow of a reasonable reason, guilty of the enormity of dying his whiskers ? Madam Nature, you must know, meant them to be of an orangetawny hue, and I remember the time when Nature was not disappointed. But now I can scarcely recognise the old sinner. There are seasons when he cometh forth in a bran new suit of jet black whiskers; and there are other times when those same whiskers appear to be of a greenish purple. For shame, Jones ! You are old enough, and not too good-looking to know better; and the very least you can do, is to hold your tongue about the ladies. There is my other friend, Brown, too. I regret to say that the other evening hestig- j matised Mrs Robinson—the Kindest of her sex—as a painted harridan, &c, &c, &c. And this was after liberally partaking of Robinson's fine old Jamaica. I merely refer to the fact as an excuse for Brown's intemperate language. Why, at the very moment when he uttered the remark his atrocious wig had so deviated from his bald pate as to obliterate his nearj eye

And I know for a fact that when he goe,:h out to a party, or a public meeting, he always inserts his fvont teeth, for the purpose, as he says, of assist'ng elocution.

Ha ! my fine fellows, there is an excuse for the dwellers in crinoline, but none for the habitues of broadcloth. They risk their invaluable lives with the extremest liberality — dear little radicals as they are — and from the most philanthropic motives,- namely, to please the barren ninnies and verdant puppies of our absurd sex.- But what apolojry can you put forward ? Do you really think that women are such fools as to care one pin for your flimsy pretences ? An Apollo Belvidere may carry away captive scores of weak, palpitating little hearts every season. But what have the like of you and I to do with Apollos—Belvidere or otherwise ? Come, I can talk to you freely, and thus I" adjure you :—Put away your abominations. Dare to be red whiskered, or yellow whiskered, or even blue whiskered, if nature so pleases to disport herself. Cast aside your assumed hairs, and be honestly natural in a glossy sconce. I respect the modest audacity of a bald head. Use your sham teeth, if you will, to make yourself understood —though probably 'twould be better for you if you were not. But anyhow, don't grin with them in my face, nor in the face of any sensible woman. And when you are restored to your natural self, do as I do now—-metaphorically, that is—and go down upon your bended knees and crave pardon most humbly < of all the daughters of Mother Eve, for having, even in thought, indulged in the idea; tbat any, or either of the awful charms which daily and hourly glance before your enraptured visiorij are aught but, real, substantial, and endurable—impervious to the action of fire, and unimpressible by the softer influences of wai er.