WHEN INVENTORS HAVE NIGHTMARE.

Oamaru Mail, Volume XXXIX, Issue 10760, 6 May 1911, Page 3 (Supplement)

WHEN INVENTORS HAVE NIGHTMARE.

An experienced patent attorney makes the radical statement that nine out of every ten inventors are mentally unbalanced. In their way of overlooking tile obvious, they often appear so, at any rate, for instance: To circumvent tile disaster that results when the engineer goes to sleep at the throttle, or is unable to read the semaphore signals because of fog or storm, a man of the typical "inventor" type recently sought a patent oil a device that would automatically .stop trains which for any reason rail by a closed block or any form of signal tower. It consisted of a small pipe extending the whole-length of the boiler, and connected with the airbrake control of the On along arm of pipe projecting from the side, and just beyond the frame of cab and line of cars, was placed a glass tube, blown shut at one , end. and. attached to the pipe at the other. A heavy steel bar was so arranged on the semaphore or signal tower that when the block was "down," or the signal should read "stop," the bar would swing into' place - beside tHe track'close enough to strike the projecting "glass tube, and only far enough away to miss thte cabhouse and trainj;it: being impossible to ex'tendtheglass.tubeTar- | ther out on account of" such general obstructions as bridges', 'tunnels, switchstandards, yard semaphores, etc. The steel bar would strike and break the glass tubs," and so' put 011 the air to the brakes at full pressure, thus dragging the engine and train to a dead stop with as much suddenness and shock as by the application-, of the regulation emergency brake; It was a- beautiful theory, carefully worked-out in all" its details and mechanically iii design;. The principal tiling' the' inventor liad : failed to take into consideration was that the heavy bar, as well as breaking the glass tube on the projecting end of pipe, would also crack the luckless head of an engineer leaning out of the cab window, as he does frequently, especially when there is fog or mist on the lookout window glass, and would also break the necks of the stillexisting class of passengers who rubber ahead from car windows.

Another man, a 'Coloradoan, felt sure he alone had the anti-wreck solution for single-track lines. He had, in fact, answered beyond.peradventure the admittedly difficult problem of passing two trains on one track. His device consisted of a regulation track built on the roofs of all trains. The forward ends of the overhead track rails were nicely bevelled, having a sharp, closefitting edge, designed to glide along on top of the main track rails. This elevating track was supported by trucks graduated in height to form an ascendable incline from the road-bed .to the top of the train. From the roof of the rear car to the track level a similar arrangement provided for a "colliding" train to toboggan to earth again after its. aerial flight. It was not specified how the engineers were to decide, in the excitement of the situation, which one was to do the climbing stunt. At the conclusion of this rather heroic transposition the trains were placidly to continue their different ways on an uninterrupted schedule. Mechanically, his .scheme left several things to be adjusted. For instance, the projecting tangent of the rigid rail-ends, front and rear, on sharp curves, where collisions are most likely to occur, as well as the "broken joints" on top of a train when rounding such curves, were not taken into account. While the noise would be a feature of the train-climbing exhibition, the main result of the stunt, at even a forty-mile clip, would be to squash the under train as flat as a pancake.

Automatic car-couplers arc invented by the dozen. Among them are many excellent devices, some so perfect they might almost be expected to couple and uncouple at. the command as well as the touch of the operator. The inventors show conclusively how they could prevent all coupling accidents, but fail to take into account that cars to be coupled do not always stand on straight track, and for curves no provision is made.

A patent attorney in New York actually secured a patent for an erratic inventor for a process for treating cigars to make them light easily in the wind. It is certain that the inventor never intended to smoke any of the cigars to which the process was applied. The treatment consisted in dipping the lighting tip of the cigar in. a saturated solution of saltpetre. The light could not then be extinguished by the strongest gale. But neither could the strongest man smoke the cigar. The fumes of the saltpetre would make any man deathly sick.

Dozens of patents have been granted for various styles of canes and umbrella handles to hold liquids. They are intended for the use of men wlip want to go prepared to kill a thirst in places where drinks are not served, or it would be embarrassing to publicly acknowledge one's need of a bracer. The man at the theatre equipped with one of these booze-guns is able to get a cocktail or a plain nip into his system by merely placing the handle of "the cane between _ his lips and squeezing a bulb, or working a piston by a cleverly arranged thumb slide. This scheme obviates the necessity of climbing over rows of people's feet at the theatre._ The illuminated keyhole was probably inventedfor the especial benefit of tile user of the hollow cane and other things/ At any rate,'the lighted keyhole was a' bright idea: It consisted of a glass plate with- a hole in its centre to fit' over. : the-door-k'eyhole proper. On either side of' thei hole arid under the glass plat& were placed tinyelectric bulbs operated by battery connection. When Mr W. Igglepins came home with liisv-jcane empty arid his head full of uncertainties, and found it difficult to round up the keyhole, all he had: to do was to punch a little button along- : side the door-jamb and, presto! the elusive keyhole would stand out illumined . as brightly as a ship afire on a midnight sea. However,' when" it was tested out with a number of good fellows whose liquid illumination had put them in condition to need the -giiiding beacon of a : : •drier light, it was found' that they either liad forgotten'fall about the contrivance; or'could' riot corral the button : long" enough, to ; : put their finger on/ .it.: So this brilliant invention never ca'me into popular use. . inventor, having .in mind the morning after late sessions with 6uch things as all'hollow canes, arid the tiring ordeals with obstreperous keyholes,: contrived a simple piece of mechanism in connection with an alarm-clock-guar-anteed to awaken an Egyptian mummy. A. heavy weight was to-bo placed on a trap-shelf, on the wall. From the weight a cord ran over two pulleys to the bed's foot-board. The .mechanism of the clock was so arranged that at any set time it would release the catch supporting the. shelf, allowing :tlie weight to drop. The other end of the cord being ;attached to the sleeper's toe, it' .jvohld . violently, jerk', a leg into'the air,, providing the "toe-hold held.' On e such rude .awakening' would about cure, the most obstinate case of oversleeping, _ but the invention was "never comniercially exploited.' ... A.'.combination dining-table and ashsifter might have been invented to economise space in such cubbyholes as Harlem flat. A large, round diningtable of massive construction was so built that the centre opened by sliding out a wide board. Underneath was then exposecT a specially designed ashbarrel with sifter attached. After dumping the morning's ashes into the barrel, the sliding board was to be violently jerked back and forth to accomplish'the process of sifting, and then, after the atmosphere should clear, the table was 111 order to serve breakfast upon. Notwithstanding the convenience, the majority of housekeeping citizens still retire to the leeward side of the barn to juggle the ash-screen. An inventor with a heart full of just commiseration for tho busy business man devised an attachment for officechairs to be used by visitors. It consisted of a clockwork mechanism to. be fastened underneath the seat of the chair. When the caller was seated the weight released a clutch and the machinery proceeded to grind out seconds and minutes —and hours, too, if the visitor had nerve enough to stay so long, or the busy victim could not sooner get rid of bini. When the visitor arose to go. the machine stopped, and automatically registered the exact duration of the call —no't taking account of the time spent by the loquacious one hanging, hat in hand, on the doorknob. This invention would have proved a life-saving boon to the fraternity of crank-wearied editors had it. combined

with its time registry a powerful contrivance which could lie set to go olf .it the end of about three minutes and project the chair's occupant through the office window or through a convenient opening leading into a greased chute whoso lower end terminated oil the sidewalk a block away. Inspired by the attendant loss of life at fires, a man invented what he called the umbrella fire-escape. It was to be used when exit to safety was cut off from stairways and elevators. It was light, portable, and could be packed in trunk or suit-case for the convenience of travellers.

The thing was nothing more nor less than a silk parachute large enough to break the fall of a human body. A noose was to be placed over the head and about the neck, the 'apes of the 'chute to be elevated by a- rod when the victim should jump free. The fact that the inventor still lives is evidence i conclusive that he never gave his invention a, personal try-out. 'He had failed „to take into consideration- that when the parachute opened the neck of the escapee would be promptly and neatly broken. Therefore, the perfect fireescape invention still awaits the' efforts of some other • genius. . . '■ Even the most foolish and ridiculous inventions have, however, led the way to something of value. -They are generally no. more "than' germ plots, initiative ideas/'the nucleus upon which is built' some similar thing oil practical lines. .

: The old-fashioned upper plate for false teeth was considered, a mouthful of unnecessary misery and inconvenience by at least one many years ago. He invented a set of steel bands to fit against the gums arid be fastened to two back or jaw teeth, providing any still remained. The false teeth were to be stuck between' the bands of this plate one by one, much as' a printer would set type, when a clamp inside the mouth and well back along the jaw was to be screwed tight with the fingers. A tooth-brush was not needed with this scheme, since the teeth could be soaked in a cleaning solution over night;. It was not practical, of course, but from this idea was developed what is known in dentistry to-day as bridgework.