FUN AND FANCY.

Oamaru Mail, Volume XXXVI, Issue 10042, 9 January 1909, Page 4 (Supplement)

FUN AND FANCY.

Stella: Did you have a tiff? Bella: Yes, but I don't know whether it was an understanding or a misunderstanding. "Humph! Him? He'd run ho d fight me!" "I guess he'd have to." First Suburbanite: I see they have taken the 7 a.m. train off this line. Do you miss it? Second Suburbanite : _ Oh, nothing like ae much as I used to miss it when it was ca. * "Little girls should be seen and not heard, Ethel." "I know, mamma; but if- I'm going to be a lady when I grow iip, I've got to begin practising talking some time, you know." "You should never take anything that doesn't agree with you," the physician told Mr Marks. "If I had always followed that rule, Maria," he remarked to his wife, "where would you bo?" _ "I've come to give you notice, ma am. "Indeed!" "And would you give mo n good reference, ma'am? I'm going to Sirs Kipperts, across the way. The best in the world, Maggie. I hate that wom W is apparently still uncertain whether the Duke of Abruzti will obtain his bride without a struggle. He is, it is said, taking two cruisers with him to America. —Punch. First Little Girl: Your papa and mamma are not real ' parents. They odopted you. Second Little Girl: Well, that makes it all the more satisfactory. My narentfl picked me out, and yours had to take you just as you came. Alpine IHotel Manager (to the man who has the telescope for hire): The Kaiser is coming hero to-morrow. Be careful to say nothing to him about the majesty of the mountains. Woman Beggar (who has been rofused alms on the ground of "no change") : If you'll give the silver to the child, lidy, she'll bring yer chinge. She won't run away wiv it, pore inncrcent, she ain't got the sense!" (Someone asked Max Nordau to define the difference between genius and insanity. said author of "Dcgeneration," "the lunatic is, at least, sure oi his board and clothes." - Woman (to her neighbor) : What makes vou cry bo bitterly, my dear friend? Neighbor: I always weep when I hear music. My late husband used to blow tho whistle at the factory. Bronson: I understand. that he painted cobwebs on the ceiling bo perfectly that the maid wore herself out trying to

sweep them down. Johnson: Thoro mny have been such un artist, but thoro novor was such a housemaid. "Money f Pooh!" exclaimed a succomful finam-ior contemptuously. "Th?ro at'o & hundred wavs of making money." "Ah, but only one honoat way !" protested his companion. "What's that?' "Dm 1 thought you wouldn't know!" One cold day an old woman entered n shop and sit down in front of an iron safe to warm her feet. After liitting for fome twenty minutes she remarked tlint she "never did like them kind of thev don't throw out scarcely any hoat." The minister had just boon giving tho class a lesson on tho Prodigal Son, At the finish, to test what attention had been paid to his teaching, ho asked "Who was sorry that the Prodigal had roturned?" The most forward youngster in the class breathlessly answered, "The fatted calf!" Dr Clifford and tho members of mm voung men's institute were having a Bummer outing, and travelled in a compartment labelled "Engaged." There were ono or two vacant places, however, and a young lady, not of the institute party, anxiously seeking a neat, came to tho door of the carriage and asked if she might enter. ''By all means," replied tho doctor, with a twinkle in his eye, "If you don't mind boinir engaged." Sir Leopold M'Clintock, tho Arctic explorer, was once giving an account of his experiences nmid tho icefields of tho North. "We certainly would havo travelled much farther,"'he explained, "hnd not otir dojs given out at a critical moment. "But," exclaimed a lady who had been listening very intently, 'I thought that the Eskimo dogs were perfectly tireless creatures." Sir Leopold's ffteo wore a whimsically gloomy expression aa ho replied, "I—or —speak' in a culinary sense, miss." An enterprising commercial traveller attempted (o bribe a country merchant in Scotlnnd with a box of cigars. "No, na," said the merchant, shaking his hoad cravcly, "I canna tak' them ; T nacr dao bnsinej'fi that way." "Nonsense," said tho drummer, "but if you liavo any conscientious scruples you may pay mo a shilling for tho box. 1 "Weol, wool," »nid tho honest shopkeeper, "I'll tftko two 1)0XC8." Proprietor (showing .% party of lndicn through his eight-storey factory): "Yes, this is a high building; but to show you how easily we c.ui cnmmunicato from ono depart/mcmt to the other, I wiM whistle uji this tube to the foreman of tho top floor. ' (Wows through pipe.) "Now, Miss Rlitilbelle, just place your eer here, and listen to the response. 1 ' Top Floor Foreman (who has recently been pestered with falso calls from the office-boy) ; "Ye ill-manner-<xl slip of a monkey, if ye do that again I'll come right down and spank the life out of yo." TCodrick: "Hrent Scott-! Has Bilking lost his mind?" Vaai Albert: "I don't think so; why?" Rodrick : "Just look nl tho illumination in his house. Ho hns had every gas-jet burning all day long." Van Albert.: "Oh, that's just ft little scheme Bilkins has to incravjo hia gasbill tJiirj month. Ilis wife is ooming b»ck to-morrow, and he told lier had boon remaining at homo and' rending every night sinoo she wont away. If sho looked at tho gas-bill and fourud it to be only 32 oenta ho would bo cornered for an explanation." Admiral Robley Kvons tells tho following story against liimsolf. Ho had n Congressman for a iguost, and, having ruu ont of his favorite brand of whisky, made np with some he could not guarojiteo. He explained this, and' added—"Hero, bowever, is aomo brandy that I've kept untouched for a good dleal more than twenty yoars." "Hand; mo ovor tho decanter," was tho rejoinder. "Why! asked the Admiral. "What's the matteir with the brandy?" "That's what I want to know, Bob,' said tho igucet; but if you have liadl it untouched ill your possession for more Uian twenty years there must bo something pretty bad tho matter with it."