FUN AND FANCY.

Oamaru Mail, Volume XXXV, Issue 10016, 5 December 1908, Page 4 (Supplement)

FUN AND FANCY.

■Mrs Benham : Was the place where you stopped home-like. Mr Benham: Very. There wasn't a thing on the bill of fare lit to eat. Fili-mcr: See here, boy, what yer doin' <ip that tree? Boy: One of your peurs fell off the tree an' I'm trying to put it back. Little Ella : I'm never going to Holland when I grow up. Governess : Why not? Little Ella: 'Cause our geography says it's a low-lying country. Mother : I hear you were at the foot of ■ the class last week, Tommy. Tommy: 'Twasn't my fault. Johnny Smith was sick at home. Customer (in book store) : Have you Dante's "Inferno?" Clerk: No, but I can give you "Who's Who in Chicago." She: Don't you think that a woman in clever enough, to do any work that a man can? He: She's smarter than that. Why, she's clever enough to make the man do the work and give her the benefit of it. Schoolmaster: Why did you stay away from school, Frankie? Boy: .Me 'mulher brawke 'er arm. Schoolmaster : But why did you stay two days? Boy: She brawke it i' two pla-aces ! "I would like," said the gentlemanly agent, "to call your atfpntinn to a littlework which I have here." "Well, let me call your attention to a whole lot of your work which I.have here," replied the man at the desk." "Very exciting," answered the sarcastic citizen. "Next week we're to have a joint debate between a phonograph and a graphopone." "Your husband says that when he is angry ho always counts ten before he speaks," said one woman. "Yes," answered the other, "T wish ne'd stop it. Since he got dyspepsia home seems nothing but a class in arithmetic." De Lave: They tell me your father's a hard man to trade with ;" he is always looking for something to boot. .Miss Weeriegh: Then you'd better say goodnight. I'm expecting him every.minute. She fat the theatre) : I don't understand what the detective is supposed to be doing in this piece. The Dramatic Critic (wearily) : I fancy he is looking for the pi ot. Piper: The vena pest music 1 never heard whatever was doun at Jamie Maclaughlan's. There wass fuftecn o' us

pipers in the wee back parlor, all playin' dinereut chunos. J thdcht I was iluitlin' in heaven! "1 hope you came out of that borne trade with a clear conscience.' "Yes," answered Si Smiling ; "but it kind o' worries me. My conscience is so omlsimlty clear that J' can't help feeliu' I. must o' got the wust o' the trade." ".Sow, sir," said a magistrate severely, "this is the seventeenth time I have Been you in the dock." "Your worship," rejoined the culprit, with mild, reproaeli, "for eight years I have seen you sitting in the chair, and 1 havij never thought el complaining about it!" : "See that Newfoundland dog?" wud Jones to a friend he was showing round his garden. "Most useful animal that! Why, when 1 want to water the flowers on a summer night, I just throw a pailof water over Him, and make him stand in tiie flower bed and shako himself." "William," she who, "means good; James means beloved. 1 wonder—" A flush mantled her cheek. "I wonder," nlio softly murmured, "What George means?' "(George means busiiiess, L hope," said mother, looking up from the wedding annouiKemente in the evening paper. "Yes'm," said the country storekeeper, "1 got 'em. I'll—er—send 'em up to you!" "Well," replied Mrs Meddem, "I did low to take 'cm with mo." "Yen'in, but, you see, Bill Biusor he's a-dozin' <jn top o the bar') jest now an' he ain't in the best o' humor to-day." Conductor: I had a narrow escape lust, night. I fell off the rear platform, i»«t luckily wasn't injured. Motorman : Well, they says Providence taken tare of intoxicated men and fools. Conductor: Bill I never drink. Motorman: That's nil right, old pal. 1 know you don't. The Girl : 'Ere, Mister Wiggins, pinson's sent yer this basin o' coup, ami 'o|"'« as 'ow youl'l be at church next Sunday. Mr Wiggins: You can jist run and tell parson as soup's all very well, hut V dent git me inside his church under a bounce o' shag an' a quartern o s gin—see? A young man, while holidaying on the East Coast of Scotland, entered a small inn to get some refreshments. The barroom was empty ; no one seemed to bj> about. So, going over to what be took to be the boil-rope hanging from the filing, he tugged it violently, just 1o «h ,,tf that he was being neglected. The next moment the landlady came scieain'ng down the stairs in a towering rage. "What dae ye mean, ye daft idiot!" she iried. "Dae ye no ken that rope's tied to tho cradle, and ye've thrown the bairn oot?" An amusing story is told concerning King Louis of Bavaria. Mis Majesty was much annoyed on one occasion when tin' soldier on guard at the palace gates neglected to present arms. The truth wa«, the soldier did not know his Majesty i'J, sight. "Why didn't you present arnih! the latter asked angrily. "Do you km>* to whom you are indebted for .your daily bread?" The sentry glared angrily at t' |r King, and, imagining him to be the a nil)' baker, replied : "So you are the iniseiahlo son of a baker who furnishes the nolrlit'!S with bread, are you? Well, i should like to have you by yourself in some 'I" 1 " 1 ' place. I'd spread your ungainly anat''"'.»' over three kingdoms! I'd make dough of you !" Mark Twain has a rooted dislike for <"«• ceited people, and a good story if l"' ( ' ' how he once snubbed a couple ofyauig fellows who were "putting on side" u> !1 New York restaurant. Mark Twain ' ViIK .sitting at the next table to these "gentlemen," and their haughty remarks riui.-™ him a great deal of annoyance. At hist one of them summoned a waiter, and I" a commanding tone gave an order l<,r . some oysters. "Mind you tell the •n | ' l l | who they are for," .he. added. "i W| drawled the other, "better tell him m)' name, too, so as to be certain that everything is all right." Presently a w.ntci passed Mark Twain's table, and the famous humorist called him to his side. "I «0he exclaimed, imitating the young low's drawl to nerl'ertion, "bring ""' ' dozen oysters, will you?—and wlnsjier ni) name to each of them, so as to rnak'J sUI it's all right."