FUN AND FANCY.

Oamaru Mail, Volume XXXV, Issue 9729, 4 January 1908, Page 4 (Supplement)

FUN AND FANCY.

Doctor: 1 must forbid all brain work i'oet: May I not write some verses? Doc tor: Oh certainly.

"Will your father permit you to take your piano away when you marry?" "Ho .says lie will insist on it." "A woman, 1 notice, always lowers her voice to ask a favor." "Yes, and raises her voice if she doesn't get it." His Wife (writing): Which is proper, ".disii'lusionod." or "delus'iomd.*" Her Husband: Oh, just, say "married," and let it go at that. Kdna: What is "leisure," mama? Mama: It's the spare lime a woman has in which she can do some other kind of work, my dear. Beggar: Kind lady, I was not always like this. Lady: No; yesterday you had the other arm tied up. Little Willie :V What k laughter, pa* Pa : Laughter, my son, is a tonnsl a man hoars when his hat blows off ami rolls in the mud.

Uncle Joe: Yes, Tommy, it is unite possible that there aro people in (he moon. Tommy: Well, what bccomer, of them when there isn't any moon? .Mr Subhubs (giving instructions, to his oook): And almvn ;ill, Saiab, don't forKet to start the old alarm clock going now and then, £o that our friends may think I'm on the telephone. Young Latly (enthusiastically): Oh, I say, isn't our new contralto's voice just heavenly? Klderly Man leantioiuly): Well—it's unearthly) at any rale. Benevolent Lady": Hut. my poor man, if you have been looking for work all those yeaTS, why is it that you have never found it? Tramp (confidentially): It's luck, mum; just sheer good Tuck. Doctor: I found the patient to be suffering from abrasion of the cuti<'», tumefaction, ecchymosis, and extravasation of the integument and cellular tissue about the left orbit. Judge : You mean he had a black eye ? Doctor : Yes. Benedick: That luminous paint is a splendid, invention. Singleton: What do you use it for? Benedick: Wo paint the baby's face.so as wo can give him a drink in the night without lighting the gas. "Did you have a pleasant voyage?" "Delightful. The sea was as smooth as glass all the way across." "See any sharks?" "Not till we got to the Customhouse." ' . I

Agent :;Herc,, madam, is a boolTthat will tell you how to manage a husband. Woman: But, my dear lady, what I want is a book that.will tell how• to get one, and I'll manage him all Tight. Kditor (to caller who had Been airing 'his views):' Look here, are you the editor of this paper T Caller: Xo, no j certainly not. Kditor: Very, well, -. then j. don't j stand there and: talk like'a fool!

j "And so she is very queenly! I supIpose she's the kind of woman who is never 'afraid to enter the grandest drawingroom." "Oh, more majestic than that!

She'.s the kind of woinnn who'., iii'vi-r \ atr.-iiil lo enter her own kitchen." ; "Was no one injured in the railway ml I lisieu, ('mint;" "No; nevertheless, i'i wis a most painful situation. l'V.st, sennid thild, and fourth sda.ss pnshciiecih nil | mingled together. Simply niiliennl of I" "S.t you are writing (dories," wml tin' filend. ' "Not exactly," answered the ryni. eal litterateur: "I am merely liirnisliiiiK ' a certain iiiiioiinl nf text lo Keep tlir illiiv (rations fioni running into oiii' :im•(ln-r." Mulligan was a candidate tor iiilnnshiini to the Loudon. Police Knroc, ai:<l was in. In going an examination, " 1 low many mil.* is it," suisl tlii' examiner, "lioin Lnniini to New Yolk?" "Shure. an' I <lou't l,no«, Mr," replied Miilligim, "Inn it thal's !<• !•<• Ihe length of my bate I lliink I'll not !,.■ a caudidato any hmger, Mir."

I A K'hisih man is eonvinecd thai ,i.l\"i j tiding pays, lie advertised for a 1.i.-l inl.il. bill, mid a Klranger, who had pi. 10.l n|> one on the hlrcclH, lead the ndxei■lim-iii.'lil and restored the bill to inc. iuUcilimt. A few d.ivs later, while l.mkin,. " waistcoat be hail laid off, the original Imt bill was found ill a pocket. He ~iu!, ail verl using payrs 100 per cent. The following advertisement is publ,. hnl : in llocchst ar Wiesbaden: "Can uiiv one favor me with the Humes of the Iml loonisls who, when pausing over the \il lage of Hied last Tliiiimliiv evening. .In.], ped a bag of ballast down inv . liiinn.y. and completely ruined a Iruil-lai I nliiili 1 was cooking V -Julia Si hiui.lt, Id, Hi il/rl ga.se, Kiel." : Simpkiiih to milkman : What's, the .lillei- , ence between a cow and n milUinii? .Milkman (grullly) : Don't know, giis'imr. Never was good at puzzles. Siiupkiim: The diU'erenee is that the cow givis pine milk and the milkman dos'sn't. Milkoioti: ' Ah; but thereV. another difference, nlvi, . sir, the sow doesn't give, no credit! , A Hellcville girl ami a young man. Imlh '' of whom had sleadv jobs, were inaiiii'd the sillier day. The' diiv after thev »uf married the girl i-aid to lier loud husband: "(111, (!eorgc! now that we are mailed, Unite in only one thing I regret, and thai is that 1 have lo give no my line position." i The fond young husband (stroked the mNcii treses of the young wifev's hair and soothingly replied: , "No, darling, don't worry. You needn't giw up your position. I'll give up mine." Mr Hodge and his wife from the country went up to London to nee the idglitis. They found a eomfortnhle hoaisliinj hoii,r and Mr Hodge inspected with interest llie lales hanging up l:rdiin:T the diiiinu-i door. "Hreakfast, 8 to 10. Lun.h. II to 1. Tea, 2 to 4. Dinner, ii to II."

"Wli.v, Miiiiii," exclaimed Mr limine', "ilns m'ciiis to lie a niiiiii i(iiiifiii'liil>l>' <-• >ii "1 place, si.' fur a* feeding's coiircrni'd, hut w WOll'l IIUVI' llHlell lillll! t() HIM' till' IS i l.iinnoii, dliull wet"