FUN AND FANCY

Oamaru Mail, Volume XXXI, Issue 8835, 15 July 1905, Page 4 (Supplement)

FUN AND FANCY

If every person would be lialf as good as lie expects his neighbor to be, what a heaven this world would become. Mistress: 1 hope you don't, tell falsehoods. Applicant: Oh no, mum; 1 hope you don't either. "Have you ever been engaged before?'' "Xof this year. I have only been down here a week !" Miss Sijuuller : My doctor lias forbidden me to sing, tier Friend: Indeed! lie lives not far away, doesn't, lie? We cannot. Buy that our faith in our fellow-men is quite complete until we cease to open our ham sandwich to assure ourselves tli.it the ham is really there. "What do you do for a living, my good man?" "I'm a travelling 'uniorist, liiiini !" "A humorist?" "Yes, muni. 1 goes about, looking for work !" Friend : I suppose the baby is fond of you? I'apa : Fond of me? Why, he sleops all day when I'm not at home, and stays up all night just to enjoy my society.

Head Clerk (irritably): .Some idiot has mislaid my pen again. Office Boy (flippantly) : Jiiglit you are, sir; some idiot has put it behind your ear. Jacky (looking at "Situations Vacant"): Here's the very thing to suit me at last - "Office boy wanted. To sleep on the premises."

Flora: So yon know Mr Norox, do yon? I»cna: Indeed I do! ]'in one of his best friends. I.'was the hist one lo throw him overboard when lie last .ill his money. "I can argue wilh anyone here," said the contentions man, liereely. "1 can argue timet little man in Die corner; "the misfortune is that you can't reason.' 1 .Servant : If I might, make so hold as to suggest, sir Irish Master (irritably): We want none of your suggestions : we want, nothing from you but silence, anil not much of that."

In answer to the question, "Who was Stephen.'" set n.t a Bible examination, a schoolboy wrote the following:—"Stephen was the man who invented the I'lillin' Billy, for which he was stoned to death. And while he was being stoned to death he said—"Lay not this thing to uncharge." Miss Tnnit : You seemed bored at the theatre last night, Mr Knott. Don't von like Shakespeare? Mr Wyse Knott : Oh. Shakespeare's all right, 1 s'pose, but, 1 wish he'd turn out something new. Respectable Deacon : I wish that young Canon Mayberry weren't obliged to preach to such a small congregation. Frivolous Widow: So do I. Every time he said "Dearly beloved" this morning I felt as if I had received a proposal. "My thoughls are always with you." wrote the fair Miss l'Tirtington to her lover in South Africa; "always when I am walking out with anybody' I just think if is you."

An Excited Voice: Hello, hello, is this »the city editor? Well, one of your men down here at this fire has fallen down the elevator shaft and is very badly hurl. Busy City Editor: Never mind. I'll send down another.

Indignant (!i>ntli'!ii:m (to car condm." tor) : Why ilidii'l, yon wail, for my wifef Jtidn'l you see her waving to yon? (,'ui" Conductor: Beg parding, sir, liiil, .you lieu, 1 thought, ulii' was throwing kisses to inn. .Miss Klycine: t 111 ; Mr Nocoynn, IIOW lovely of you to bring me lln-in- 1 xiiutiftll roses! How sweet lliey are and llow flesh! 1 do believe there is a lillle dew on them yet ! Mr ~e : Well, yenlliere is, about lil'ly cei'ils, I Ihink ; but I'll pay it. to morrow-.

We are told that "the hand I bat roel<(4 the cradle is the hand that rules Iho world." This, no doubt, is a pretty w'lit.iineiil ; but. Hie author ought, to know that about, nine and a hall' women out of ten rock Ihe cradle with I heir feel.

"Why do no many actors insist on playing Shakespeare?" "I .suspect,'' answered Mr Ntorininglon Barnes, "thai il.'n liocuiiiiu thev can take all (lie credit, if they nunceeil, anil blame the public's lack oi literary lnsle if they fail." "Miss Alabel," said the persistent suitor, "I can't help speaking to you again. It is true you have said 'No' very enipliatiiially to every proposal - -" "Not ill nil," interrupted (lie sweet girl. "I said Wen' last Tuesday." "Last Tuesday? Kr-I wasn't here I hen." "No; but .lack Hansom was."

"No," Hiu'il Mrs l'>ure,ain Hunter, "J (loll't like Dial, new shop. You .see, I lie/ ktiitfr such (i lot, of tilings, and anything you liku to ask for I hoy arc able lo supply just, nt once; lliero'is no pleasure in shopping at ■such a place." A certain father who in fond of pulfiii|( his boys through nalnral history cxaniiiialious is oflcn surprised by their mental agility lln asked them, lo'tell liitn "what animal is satisfied with tin' least amount, of nourishment." "The inolli!" one of them shouted, confidently. "Jl eats no. thine; hut holes." The woman at the head of the Initio, beautiful in (he (jlnw „f ||„, , ? „Mcn laiti|i on hilvi'r and china, gazed lixodly on Ilm man at Hie opposite end. lie felt llio strange inlluonce of tjmi, look, ami lifletl his eyes lo hers. "Oh, it, is all righl, Maria," lie said, cheerfully. "I posloil your letter when I went,'out, this morning."

"1 admired that last piece you played, rrofe.sMir, immensely," said Mrs Caswell. "'I lunl a kind of wild fr loin about it, you know, a, sort of gel, up ami go that, just willed me. Was it a composition of your own?" "Madam," frigidly responded I lie omuienl musician who lint/ been hired for the occasion, "I was tuning a new K string on my violin." An old country minister anil his wife paid ,i visit lo Ilm seaside. While, the simple pair wen' walking on the beach olio evening they suddenly noticed llie revolving light, of a lightship. The old lady gazed :i| it win, „!„,,, ~V 1 ,,, fl)r H(J|| ; n minutes, and Hid, K |„. |, lm „,,| |„ J„, r j )lm . nand with a puzzled 1,,,,!,, "Well," she exclaimed, "if t |„, „,„„ j„ ,|>.,, |,.,„„'|, Id Hud ligld. I his forty limes, an.) it ] iaH gone out every time !"

Mamma: 1 hope Willie didn't, (ell , t hb when .you found he had been at the j.-nn? Aunt .lane: Not „(. all. When I discovered thai Homebody Imd been at the jam he looked at Kido and said, "J didn't, know, auntie, thai dogs liked jam." A well-dressed man who registered at a hotel in St. .loseoh, casually remarked that he never (ravelled without his own firncHenpe, at the same time exhibiting dm contrivance which he carried. "In cane of fire," he said, "I can lei myself down from any hotel window." The ' lanilh.nl said, gravely: "Our | ( . ImH f or guesls wilh tinescapes arc cash in advance."

"It s all up wilh me," said young Drown dejectedly. "J culled on Madge Hopkins fo-mghl, and she " Robinson : "Ah I 1 see, she refused you." Brown : "No, mi the contrary, she said, 'Von may kiss me, •Inn.'" Robinson: "Well, what, was wrong with that ?" Brown : "Everything ; you see my name happens lo be Tom." Mrs Younglove : Our rook says IhoNerges you sent yesterday were aneienl. (iroee'r: Very sorry, ma'am. They were the best, we could gel. Yon a,.,., all the young elncuens wen- killed otr for I lie holiday trade, so t\w old hens are the only one's eft to do lb,. !„yi„\ M,. K Voimglove: Oh. to he sure. Of course. I hadn't thought of that.