FUN AND FANCY

Oamaru Mail, Volume XXVI, Issue 8292, 30 November 1901, Page 2 (Supplement)

FUN AND FANCY

"Doctor, don't you think that raw oysters ] are healthy." "Yes; I never knew one to compjain." Pearl: Did you see tihat shark dcfwn at the beach ? Ruby: I saw the ho tel landlord, if -that's what you mean. She : What did papa- say? He: He said he'd be deligted to have me for a son-in-law, only he couldn't affo-rd it. Mother: No, Johnny, you ih-ave- had pie enough. Johnny : Mother, it is impossible to have enough of your-pie! He got anther piece. "Are you a Fifer?" said a cyclist to a laddie on a i'ifeshire.. road the other day. "Gi'e's a penny and I'll tell you!" was the canny answer. ' "Is this tihe family Bible?" inquired the young man of his best girl's little brother. VYes," replied the youngster. 'That's the new one. The old one that's got sister's reial age in it is upstairs." "Haven't you and your friend got through that -argument yet?" "It isn't any argument," answered the opinionated man-. "1 am merely -telling him. the facts of the case, and he is so obtuse that he can't understand." Teacher (instructing class on manners): , Now, Willie Brown,, for example, if you were sitting in an. electric car, every seat ' occupied, and an old lady enters, what . would you do? Tommy: Please, sir, I 1 would pretend I was sleepin'. ' Tuner: Your daughter left word that I should call and tune your piano. Mr '' Binks : What's wrong with it ? Tuner : She says -three strings are broken. Mr 1 Binks (confidently): Look here, here's five ) shillings for yourself. Break the rest of 'em. Doctor t(o the little girl who is rather 1 unwell): Now, my dear, put out your tongue. Little Patient (decidely) : Certainly not ! Mummy says it is very vulgar to put out- one's tongue to anybody. Dougald: X saw ye cairrying for the ! minister yesterday, Erchie; whit bind o' ■ a player is he? Erchie: Man. he'll never mak' a gowfier. D'ye, ken what he says when he misses tihe ba'? Dougald: No, whit does he say? Erchie (disgustedly) : Tut, tut. Magistrate: Did you see the beginning of this quarrel'?- Witness : Yes, sir! it- was two years ago. Magistrate: Two years ago? Witness: Yes, sir. The minister said—"Will you fcak© this man to be your lawful husband?" and she said— "I will." A lady teacher in a public school was amazed the other day by seeing a- perfect forest of juvenile hands fly up in the air and shake and gesticulate wildly. "What do you want?" queried the puzzled instructor. Chorus : "Yer hair's fa-llin' off." "And you does your master want to sell the 'horse?" "'E doa-n care for 'im, sir." "But why doesn't he care for him? You tell your master that I should, like to see him about it." "Well, to tell y,e the truth, sir, 'e ain't come out o' the 'ospital yit, sir." Tom: So the heiress refused Jack? Dick: Yes; its too bad! He made a very fair proposition, too. Tom : What was it ? Dick : He promised to be a most devoted husband, and offered to refund the money if he did not turn out exactly as represented. Lady Visitor: Do you put anything on your 'hair to make it so luxuriant ? Hostess : Oh, dear no. I have always been quite famed for my quantity of hair. Little Six-Year-Old: You see, Mrs South, mamma takes to much care of it. She always puts it so carefully away when sh» takes it off. , Mr Wheatpit: My failure is tihe talk of the street. At- the meeting of my creditors to-day I 'arranged to pay ten shillings in the pound. Mrs Wlieatpit (after a moments figuring): Oh, Henry, isn't that lovely? Then the two-guineas hat I had sent "home to-day will only cost half-price. "Molly," said some one to the little daughter of a clergyman, "does your father prea°ch the same sermon twice?" "I think, perhaps, he returned Molly, cauciously; "but I think he talks loud and soft in different places the second time, so it- doesn't sound the same at all." ! "Jack," asked the father, "are you going in for any of the school sports this year?" "Yes, father," replied the unsuspecting youth wlifc,no ?humS.r pecting boy. "I'm going to try for the mile race." "God," returned the father. "I have a letter to be posted, and it is about a mile to the Post Office and back. Let me see what time you can do it in ?" Life Insurance Agent (filling in application) : Your general health is good, is it not? Applicant: Never had a sick day in my life. Agent: Um! You do nob contemplate entering upon any hazardous undertaking, I suppose? Applicant: Well, yes, lam afraid I do. I am going to get married next Wednesday.