TRUTH TALKS

NZ Truth, Issue 1001, 31 January 1925, Page 4

TRUTH TALKS

WITH THE MAN AT THE CORNER ON TOPICS OF THE WEEK

From warts to motors and from golf to livers was the range of the Man's more than usually discursive conversation this week. He epoke about the advantages of a hobby, but we feel disinclined to believe that anything more than mere garrulity is required to provide the Man with entertainment m his hours of ease. Though not a golfer himself, he had something to say about the game.

HUNT THE NUMBER. Well, Man," we said, as he poked his head round : the 'Corner of our office the other morning, "you are looking very pleased ,with yourself this morning." - "Ha, ha," he replied, "I've got every reason to. I thought out such a shrewd scheme the, other day, and have beaten those Government chaps at their own game." "This sounds serious. Have you been falsifying your income tax returns?" . "Good heavens no, but it's^ very nearly as good. You know that according to the new Motor Registrar tion. Act which came into force on New Year's Day every motorist has to fill m a form giving all sorts, of particulars regarding his car. I'm the proud possessor of a tin Liz, and amongst the information required is the chassis number and the. engine number. I know that the officials only put that into the form so that you and I and the other mugs would get horribly dirty m the search, so I thought

I out a little scheme to frustrate thorn. I invited a number of little street arabs that are always hanging about my place to come and play with the kids, and then taught them a new game m place of the old 'hunt the thimble.' It was .'hunt the number.' Within half an hour both the numbers were found, and the kids were packed off again with threepence each and mighty dirty clothes. I'd recommend the system to you if you want to-lind your numbers." "Thanks," we replied, "but the only disadvantage is that the fond mammas might happen along . afterwards andi lay a claim for damage to wearing apparel. However', we may risk it. Thanks for the tip." THOSE HOME DISTURBERS. "I'm always falling down on it, 'Truth'," moaned the Man disconsolately. "My matrimonial ha.ppiness ' is shattered, ruined and I'm the most miserable of men. And all because of the inconsistency of a woman. I've a good mind— — " "Here, old chap, 'hold on a moment. Have a breather and get your wind, then go ahead more steadily. What exactly is the trouble?" "It's the wife. We had the first fall-out m years, and all over nothing. It's like this., I've always been m the habit during my spare time at home of working m the. garden and pottering round, the. place. . I've kept away from the wife's department (the house) and looked after my own, and it's worked for all the years we've been together." ' ' " . "We know you're the personification of steadiness, Man, and that your home life has been ideal, but what has your better half found fault with?" "Some silly ass of a female has evidently put the notion into her head that I should help m the house with the work." "And of course you reneged?" "No I didn't. I'm a peaceable man, and would do anything for a quiet life. I bucked to anti tried my hand at the game. I'd laboriously pushed the carpet sweeper round the front room and dusted out the .place, and was visibly swelled with pride when I surveyed the neatness of my handwork. It v/as just after this the trouble came. The fireplace has a well-grate— one you ciean from the outside. I. had a go nt cleaning this out when a strong wind was blowing, and oh, 'Truth,' you should have' seen the results. Ther^e was Sust and dirt blown right across the room." . ,

"Arid that's what the wife got annoyed about?"

"Annoyed! 1 Say, 'Truth,' annoyed wasn't m it.. She raved and stormed about my carelessness, the dust on the furniture, and the state the piano was m, and then finished up with declaring she wouldn't speak to me for weeks. How's that?"

| "And all because some officious person wanted to interfere with the ordered routine of your lives. Truly, it's past understanding.' ' But forget it, Man; your spouse will get. over it." "Have my doubts about it," he murmured as he left us. LIVERS AND LIVERS! "The world is rapidly going to the dogs," said the Man as he strolled into the editorial sanctum recently. "Sounds like a heavy night," we replied, with an endeavor at caustic humor. "Food and drink are both wrong." "We knew that was what was wrong with you. What brand was it?"

"I'm only quoting from the remarks recently published about what Dr. Arbuthnot Lane said about < modern degeneracy. We eat the Wrong foods, and drink the wrong drinks. Women aren't what they used to be, and men will never be the same again. Pictures, jazz and modern dress and food have done irreparable damage "

"Yes, yes, that's all right as far as it goes. We all imagine at times that

things aren't, what they used to be. The picnics that we knew as kids now leave us cold and so on. But you mustn't forget that the worthy doctor has partaken of those modern foods which he talks about, and there's just a chance they have affected his liver. He may feel something like you do on New Year's morning, and you can't altogether blame him if he's gone just a little further than he at first intended. Modern women aren't' the same coy creatures as their Victorian prototypes, but there's true gold to be found there all the same." ;•■

"Yes, there's something m that all right. Perhaps he has gone a bit further than he meant to. We all do that sX times,". ... . _. . __ _..._,... .; _;._. -

GOLF DE LUXE. "Well, this whips creation," said the Man. "We all knew that Americans i:on"t let the grass grow under their feet at sport, but m golf they've whipped creation all right. They're making the grass grow under their feet. '"Yes," went on the Man, "at a certain course m New Jersey the gratis on the greens has been encouraged :o grow with great rapidity by keeping specially powerful electric lamps playing on it during the night." "That sounds feasible enough," we replied- "We've heard of asparagus and strawberries being forced. Why not grass?" "On, no reason at all," he returned. "But -if this sort of thing became general golf would be a millionaire's game, not to mention what degree m botany and physics a prospective green-keeper will be required to produce m applying for a job. There's no saying what will come next m millionaires' golf courses. . Some day they'll be putting more 'pep' into the rays, and the millionaire player will carry an apparatus round m his pocket for flashing on to bald spots m the turf. Then, instead of tamely,, replacing his divot (or grandiloquently instructing his caddie to do so) he'll just switch on his grass restorer and the vegetation will sprout up m a trice." "Good, Man," we murmured. "We can go one better than you. We''l suggest that another ray — a death ray, m fact — be added to the equipment. When the, ball is lost m long grass all the millionaire will have to do will be to switch this on and the concealing grass will wither before him, and, hey presto, there revealed on barren turf will" lay his lost ball. But, and the thought is terrible, suppose he applied the wrong ray to the already long grass, he'd be lost m ' impenetrable jungle." . CHARMS^-AND CHARMS. "There are charms and charms, 'Truth'," said our old friend one day, ''out the one I'm most concerned with at the moment is not the charm attributed to the fair sex, it's the other — the wishing of charms," he finished weakly. „■.'■•■•■■ "What exactly do you mean?" we said. "Be more explicit." "Well," he said, "I'm a sorely perplexed and puzzled man. A bosom pal of mine has set me thinking. To. put it politely I told him he handled the truth rather carelessly but he adheres to his story. It was this way. This friend had warts— dozens of 'em all over both hands and despaired of ever , getting rid of the unsightly .things." "Did. you prescribe a remedy?" we asked. "It's a difficult thing to advise on. One's too apt to fall down on it." "No, I didn't. ' But he's got rid of his warts without using anything, and that's just the point. An old man was watching my friend out fishing "the other day and noticed the blemishes on his hands. 'Do you want to get rid of them: warts,' the old joker said, and,. receiving 1 an. affirmative noa, he sent my friend down the. beach nearby

to get a piece of ice-plant. With this he just touched the afflicted parts on my friend's hands (now this is what gets' me) and uttered some charm over them and told him to go home and not wash his hands until the following morning- when all the warts would be gone." Did your " friend carry out the instructions ?" "He did, but at the same time he thought the old chap was a bit 'nutty' and called himself an idiot for taking' any notice. But, 'Truth,' the result was marvellous. The next morning there wasn't a wart to be seen; Now you 'get* me when I mentioned charms." "Ah, yes," we said. "Surely a return to the old days of witchcraft and smoking cauldrons. Then, as now, we suppose there are certain people who hold the power to heal. The only difference you don't get burnt at the slake for parctising the gift now." OUR HOURS OF EASE. "Your friend 'C.H.O.' put it wisely the other day, 'Truth,' when he declared that 'the man with the hoe oft sighed for the ease of the clerk m town,' and' so on m poetic strain. The other fellow's job always looks the better." Thus : spake the Man. •< "Why, Man," we said, "we thought you had a very satisfactory job." • "So I have," he replied, "but there's nothing like a change; it's as good as a' holiday. It was on the subject of hobbies I. wished to speak to you, and I reckon every man should have a hobby. But m taking one up a man should choose something of a nature diametrically opposed to his ordinary avocation." "Ah, that's where we have erred," we murmured. "We have a garden, but then m the working day we're producing flowers also — flowers of literature." "Urn, ah!" muttered the Man. "With my assistance, what? Well, I'll let you have it your own way, for gardening is a useful pursuit anyway. But what I'm intent on at the moment is woodwork. . Collecting stamps, listen-ing-in, or expensively gaining . profi - ciency at bridge aren't m the hunt. Of course, there must be a certain amount of natural aptitude about the man who would take wood-work as a hobby, but with some proficiency — and you may gain it at a technical school — I'll guarantee it as the most absorbing and useful hobby of the lot. I kno.v a man who's carved the front of ;i dresser, fitted everything m his place with ornamental drawers, and is actup.ily engaged now m building a magnificent sideboard. There's result lor you--a.nd from a hobby, too. Why, nobody knows what he's capable of till he tries." "And are -you taking it on, old Man?" we asked. "Well, no," he replied. "I'm afraid I'm toe busy at the corner talking," and added, rather awkwardly we thought, "but I'm impressing the value of ■ such a hobby on ray eldest son." On due reflection we felt that if it \vasn't for the large number of new books, we" had promised ourselves to read m the evenings— if Smith didn't drop m too\ often for a rubber or two oC bridge — wa might also carv* our .wisU» iame through- laborious- nierh*^