Slimm's Fables

NZ Truth, Issue 998, 10 January 1925, Page 1

Slimm's Fables

By C.H.O.

I Of The Resolutions And Resulting Dissolution Of Jl J/' Gink Called Joshua

The Lady who helped Joshua to spend his Pay could not be called by any Stretch of the' lmagination 'a Frivolous or Worldly Hussy. No sir. She had High Principles and a Decided Taste for Virtue. Which was all Very Well. The Trouble was, though, she Reckoned her Particular ' Brand of Mental Fodder ought to . Tickle Josh's palate as it did Hers.

But Josh, being an Ordinary Cove, fell a Long Way short of Expectations.

He smoked whenever he was Awake. He drank as long as They. were Open and then he "had a Cellar underneath the House. The way he Cussed defied Description as they say of the Clothes that the Classical Dancer wears.

Nor was that all; , Try as she would, his Virtuous Helpmate could not disguise trie Fact that Josh had a leaning towards the front Row at the Vaudeville when the Revues were on nor that he Played Pool and sometimes even had a Punt on the Neddies.

Such being so, and Mrs. Josh being long on Goodness but short of Humor, there was, as you might suppose, Considerable Wordy. Warfare between the Two — especially on the Frequent Occasions when Joshua returned to his Love Nest with a Lean On.

But all his Wife's Tongue Barrage was of no use. It rolled oft! Josh's Hardened Back like Perspiration off a Bald Head. ' ■

One December, however, and herein Hangs our Tale, Josh was- Broke. He knew his Better Half had quite a Jin r gle m the Box on the mantel piece but he also Knew it was easier. for a Returned Soldier to get Money out of the Government than for him to Pry a Dollar out bf Her.

But he was a Shrewd Sort of Bloke and he Needed the Cash bad, so he waited till she Got on to her Favorite Topic and then he put across -the Following Proposition: For the Sum of Ten Pounds down he would Promise that after New Year he would Reform m whatsoever way She wished. • The lady Jumped at the Chance to Pluck a Brand from the Burning, and Forked out the Dollars. When Josh came Home that Night, his somewhat Goggly Lamps eventually Fell on a large white Placard nailed above his Bed. . Wifey had spent the Evening on it. tt bears about the Same, Relation to the Liberties of the True Englishman as the Magna Charta — with . the Reverse English. It Read: NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS For Joshua. I WILL NOT SMOKE. I WILL NOT DRINK INTOXICATING- LIQUORS. ■■•■'■ -"' ■-, I WILL NOT SWEAR. . I WILL NOT BET NOR PICK AWFUL THINGS CALLED DOUBLES. I WILL NOT FREQUENT LOW THEATRES., I WILL NOT VISIT BILLIARD ROOMS. I WILL NOT READ ABOMINABLE BOOKS AND' NEWSPAPERS. Josh gulped twice and Swore Hard. But he was a Good little Sport and No Quitter, so he swallowed his Woe and Hit the Pillows with a sigh. ■ ; . X Next morning going to toil he Chewed the Aloes over and, somewhat

soothed by the Fragrance of. his Park Shag, decided it wasn't such a Crook Proposition after all. For; he Doped it Out that the Change would save him a Lot of Money and it just Happened there were a Good Few things he Wanted. /

And thus it was with Less dread than might be expected that he Heard the Bells ring- out to Welcome the NewYear. "

New Year's Day dawned Bright arid Clear. Josh, wandering early m the Fresh Air put his*. hand into his pocket for his Pipe. After two or three minutes Irritated Searching he remembered how last Night filled with Virtu* he had flung the Whole Apparatus into the Fire.

"Da — Dash!" he said ruefully. After an Hour Josh felt he had never wanted a, smoke so Much m his life Before. By the Time Dinner came he' was as miserable as a Jew Employer on Pay Day.

He Grabbed at the idea of Dinner with Joy. 'He reckoned it would take his Mind off Smoking. But He had :flot counted on the rest of his Resolutions. For when all his He-Relations who were there to Dine started m to Open up the Bubbling Beer and the Jovial Gin he had to Go Outside to contain Himself.

He wanted to Cuss. A good and proper Verb and Noun with a Sca.ttered Adjective or two would help Things somewhat, he opined. But. he waa Stymied there also and when he Tentatively uttered "Bother" his whole Soul grew Sick. .

m the evening, Cousin AJf took him aside and told m a Whisper not to miss Happy Hours for the Suburban. He was Going on to tell how he had it Straight from the Horse's Tonsils when he noticed with surprise that Josh had fled leaving the echo of a Hollow Groan behind him.

Then Cousin Joe landed on the Scene and proposed to Josh that the men beat it down to Alby's for a game of Pool.

Josh wept like a Child To cap it," Cousin Herb then burst into the by Now TjV itery atmosphere with the Bright Suggestion that; they slide down town and take m the Second Half ,df Phullers'. He was describing with considerable : ; Enthusiasm the Lines and Speed of the Front Row of the Chorus, when our hero, his Spirit failing as he Realised the Birthright he* had Squandered Away, fell Forward m a Dead Faint.

They tried all Known Remedies to Revive him and at Last Cousin Alf, with great Generosity, poured half the Contents of • his Flask between the Molars of the Unconscious One. Wnereupon the Latter, opening his eyes with an Expression of Wondrous Content, cried "Paradise! Oh, see the angels!" and with a happy smile closed his eyes again and "slept like a Child. After he awoke, however, which waa next Morning, he was a Changed Man. His shoulders Droop.cd, his chin Dropped, and his eyes Dripped. If he had only been dead he would Have been taken for His own Ghost.

There was a vacant look m his eyes and the Only Sound he ever Made was the Deep, Shuddering Groan that forced itself from his Lips when the Fellow sitting Next m the Tram took out His Gherry-Wood and Lit Up.

In less than a Year he had been Measured for the Wooden Suit with silver Handles and satin Lining:. His Sorrowing Wife said- she just couldn't Understand it;* but' the Doctor who conducted the Post Mortem, said there was a • Deep, Dark Fissure m his Heart that must have, been there for About a Tear". . MORAL: The Cure is worse than the Disease. '. ■■