"TRUTH" TALKS

NZ Truth, Issue 943, 22 December 1923, Page 4

"TRUTH" TALKS

Hj "The Man" wks m a witty mood during his visits 111 this week. When we told him that it was our Hj intention to sleep out during the holidays he ad- ||| vised us to be careful lest we should get up m ||| the mornings m the same condition as Mr. HU Massey's 1923 New Year promises — all over dew. [!| That seemed much too smart . for him. We HJ asked him Where he got it from. Others wMj HI ask the same question when they read his reHI marks on various matters of pith and moment.

DANGERS THAT BESET THE WAY. "I'm glad I'm here, 'Truth,' for I was nearly transfixed on the way." "What was it, a hatpin?" "No, an iron pipe about ten feet long. A dopy message boy aspiring to the plumbing trade had been sent out with the pipe, presumably, for he was carrying the lance along the street and- walking: on the footpath with about five feet of the weapon protruding m front- That was dangerous enough on. the pavement, but to make it worse ho wasn't taking -the slightest heed of where he was going, but was just ambling along looking m the shop wlndowe."

"And did you run into it?' "Yes, at a most inopportune time. I just happened to be peering back at a lady who had passed, and was? lifting my hat with that ineffable grace for which I am noted, when this wretched pipe ran between my legs — he'd let the point drop for a moment — and I had to jump four feet m the air to clear myself. The worst of it was that the lady Waa looking llngeringly baok at the moment and she burst out laughing." SHOP ASSISTANTS. "Ever do much shopping?" "No, we are not capable; or at least, the wife says so." "Well, you ought to be thankful. Why? Perhaps if you would find time to accompany me around a few of the .'■ shops m any city or town m New Zealand you would know. For the most unobliging, uncivil, and uncouth female | of the species give me the shop assistant every time. Go into any establishment you like, and you will flnd the same thing. The girls are too busy telling each other of the jam they were out to the previous evening, what time they arrived home, and all "the other drivel that flappers talk. When one goes to make a purchase these days it is with a feeling that one is committing "some terrible crime. Instead of the assistant coming to you it Is tho reverse — you go to them cap m hand. It is just about time the bosses woke up to this and applied the big stick." MAKING A PLUMBER OF HIM. "Now the schools are closed the question arises once again of deciding what to do with the boy about to start out m life." "And a very perplexing question it Is." "That's so, 'Truth.' People have honored me lately by seeking my advice and I have given the samo dope to all. Be a plumber, is my recommendation. And then I tell them how to Ap it." ■'Plumblng-ln -two-lessons sort of style, we suppose." "Exactly. Here it is:\ Get an oflice, I say to aspirants, and sit down and wait until someone comes along and, wants you to stop a leak In a gas pipe, At once venture forth. Arrived at the scone of action Inquire if the housewife is cooking; dinner with the gas Stove. Jf so jjo round and turn the gas off at the meter. Make no attempt to break through the plaster celling m the drawing room before looking out for a trapdoor somewhere. Now is the time to return to tho office to collect your toolfl. Back on the job again, climb up through tho trapdoor and flounder about noisily. Hit tho roof | several times with a heavy hammer. Then sit down, He down, smoke, whistle or do what you like. After four or flvo hours, certainly not less than four, get up and smack the iron above your head twice with a hammer. Then go to the trapdoor, call the housewife, and tell her that she will be able to use the stove In a few minutes. After sho expresses her thanks go back to the pipe, solder up the leak, and scramble, with nil your tools, down into the house. Don't refuse a cup of toa. after which hurry to your office and write out a bill for i.4 15s nd." A CARRYING COMPLAINT. "It appears to tne. "Truth.' that somo city carriers have nice pickings In their line." "How Is that?" "Well, from what I hear, quite a lot of Ktuff, given to carriers at auction soles for delivery, is overenrried. Suppose, for example, four articles are taken for delivery. Well, the chances are that three of them will reach their destination. The difficulty then is to pet m touch with the carrier, for m the bustle of a salo a woman doen not take tho number and description of the vanrnan. Should she got In touch with the Individual again there la generally no trouble to recover hor proport;.* Amid profUne apologlcD and reg re I ». Hut there must ho numbers who can't track these fellows down and rescue j the overcarrJpd goods. I have nn Idea, too, that a dod>re is to leave articles at the wrong places, and when there ts no Inquiry for them, go back, explain they were left ln mistake, and carry them off. One woman who refused to hand one left-in-ml»tnlce article over to the carrier who colled for it a week later was asked: •"Well, what i« It worth to you?' Hl* intentions weren't too srood wero they?" "His notions are at least suspicious. From what you say there seems to b<n good deal of mischief trolng on. People chould try and emolov honest carriers they have had experience of." AN UPLIFT TALK. "I had a terrifying experience Just now. 'Truth." breathed the "Man" without looking very terrified. "What's wronuf: did you try to knock a motor car over?" "No; not i\t all. I'm too discreet to tilt at nil I meet (T read that -somewhere), hut I went up two stories m an automatic lift. It wan Just after I hnd read the report of that appalling accident m one Inst night." "Well, whin did you rldr m It for?" "To ko un. of course. I'd rather ho ncnred than walk 'Up two fllishttf of hui It**, hut It was getting In nnd out j nf the a (Tali* that was the ticklish Job/} I opened lh*> door and mtood b.-iolt. Then \ when I had I". p*-*rf«*ctty ftllll ami torn- j {toyed 1 I"H|>* infill* nnd Hhut ih«* door ,; firmly. It whh the mime when J reach- 1 ••d thc second floor. I was taking no •hitr-.'**" of bavins the thing move off

when, l was half m so I prepared for i a spring and bounded clean out four feet into the passage." "Good gracious, that isn't very terrifying," we remarked. '-•■■ "No," he returned, "but it was when I landed, for I crashed headlong into a typiste conveying the morning tea to the boss and spilt it all over her. It was terrifying then. But it - all points to the necessity for having these things dally tested to preclude; any possibility of their moving off while the door is open, as I have known somer of them to do.. - A man wants to go up all ritfht, but he doesn't want his immortal soul to go, too. If there: was a better assurance about that we'd like those lifts a lot better." ROUND THE WORLD ON FOOT. "A while back a man who was walking round the world on foot went past the oorner, 'Truth.' I've been wondering how he has been getting on." "He's still somewhere m New Zealand we fancy. By the way, did you ever hear of the individual who undertook to walk 43.000 miles round the world clad only m newspapers?" "No; is it a fact?" # "It's a fact all right, but whether he kept on uhtil he landed back to his starting point we don't know." "There's another chap you'll remember. 'Truth,' who started his wanderings at Adelaide some years back. Before setting out he contracted with one of the local newspapers , for a series of travel stories. Getting as far as Melbourne, our hero took a fancy to a giH, married her and settled down. That's what happens to a number of these tramps I imagine. But the amusing part of the story is that although the tourist toiled away m Melbourne at some Job or other, a series of travel articles dealing with Indian snakes, Russian wolves, American bison, polar bears and Norwegian snrdlrtes arrived regularly nt the Adelaide newspaper office for twelve months after. The tourist must have been along at the Melbourne Library every 'week for an hour m the travel and adventure department." A HOLIDAY PLAN. "The worst of the present holiday idea, 'Truth,' is that we all go holidaying about the same time." •'Everyone Joining m is what makes the holiday." "That may be so. but, to my way of thinking, I don't see why, all of a sudden, we should all stop work and s*o say. For Instance, some may want -to worlf oh juat at the compulsory holiday season. Others may have wanted a, holiday a month earlier, or desire it a iponth later. Then, why not have an* adjustable Christmas? That is to say, your Christmas shall be, say, ln March, and mine ln October. Think what lt would mean. No crowded trams, trains or restaurants." "Well, . that part of your scheme seems very rosy," "When it comes to recovering from holidays the plan would work like a charm. I would experience the Monday morning feeling somewhere about Wednesday, ybu, perhaps, on a Saturday, and the office boy on a Tuesday afternoon. It would entirely prevent the possibility of whole staffs being down with holidaitls at the same time." TAKING THE BABY HOME. "I saw something that almost broke my hard heart, 'Truth.'" "Try and forget It, Mr. Man." "Forget it! 1 shall never forget it, and I shall always think of it as each New Year comes and goes." "Do cut out the agony stufT. It's the Festive Season; why be gloomy?"

"Festive Season's right, but those words fto through me like a streak of red hot lightning. It was the Festive Season thnt was responsible for the tragedy to which I wns a witness, and I could do.n-o-t-h-i-n-g to save the baby." "What! was it as bad as all that?" "Yen. und worse: for It's neclc wot broken Just at the part where you swallow." "No more, Mr. Man; we can't bear listening to this dreadful story. Let's go and toast ono another." "Yes, 'Truth.' Id have had the pleasure of drinking your health earlier If eorne big-footed bounder on the tram hadn't stepped on my grip." "How's that?" "Well—you see Baby was m that grip." SANTA ON STRIKE. "I took some kids along to a toy bazaar during the week, 'Truth,' to see Santa." "And did they enjoy themselves?'' '".Vol much. Santa didn't evon give them a smile. In fact when our merry party entered old Santa wns bo busy tryiriK lo *?ell toya lo the adults that the little children who *wurmed about him must have thought that ho hnd gone out of tho free gift business to compete with horrid merchants who wanted money for their wares. I had to touch old Santa-tut ned-talesman on the arm before ho would bend down and recognise the kids violently tugging at the In**m of his flowing garment. At long last he spoke to a tiny girl who had almost climbed up his whlrtkcrn, like n variation of thc Jack und the J Jean Stalk story. Whot does yer want me tor bring yer. Uttle girl?' he Maid. Hkllfully keeping his eye on a woman who had thoughts of buying 'i wax doll. 'I want a pram down the chhnbley,' replied thc little maid. 'Orlrighi.' said Santa, strolling off Immediately to clinch a deal In wax dolls. And still the children Hocked after him. Ha might have been a bit moro considerate" | "Yen. it should bo Christmas before i cash whore the children uro concerned." | A WHISTLER CREATION. I "Like to hear a funny story?" I "Ye;}, providing It is funny." J "Wi-11. " was told to mo as such. ! In a certain city m New Zealand '» voting ff'liow (ipplh-d fur « Job i\* conductor on tbe tram* and wan given n try-out. He handle*] the csmh did of the hu«!ne»is quit*? well, but wh*»n hi;-; probation period was «i|i hr was tvld ho was not nt* liable, Arvd the. reason was: having no tc-th h-** was unable to whistle to hl« rnotorrnan. How wan that for an aclwci^od object lestnon In 'Whistle me Lad und I'll com* lo you'?"