THE CRITIC

NZ Truth, Issue 902, 10 March 1923, Page 1

THE CRITIC

f It Is not easy to drown. your sorrow If she is bigger than you are. In a battle of tongues any woman can hold her own— but stye never does. Lot of dishonest people at Trentham' Range this week. Most of thorn busy rining. •If bullets at Trentham this week had been billets the unemployment problem would have been solved. U and 1 make all the difference, don't we? ~^ it t: st The Ruhrness Ruhr conl works out at about £7 by the time it gets moving from France. Worse than handling charges from Westport, but not much worse. t ■ .....'• :: '.%'.. it Daily paper reports receipt of a cable message from "the Washing correspondent of the United Pr.essJ' -„,T his must be the • co-respondent soiled linen is usually hung^out on the clothes' line of -publicity^ "•-- 1! . !! .-; V- v!J v Big builders wefre .transformed Jn to reputation wreckers when* they -Sole- ] bated the bl -centenary of Sir Christopher Wren, the architect of St. Pnul's. They wrent his .methods asunder. ii---" " ii ;'■:':' ■' it " : ?'" j Flaunting advertisement on the back of a Marlborough 'bus: . Our sausages are rccbgnlaed by the best In New Zealand. i Even a nodding' acquaintance with thej Governor-General presumably. n < 1 1 - - - it The Legislative Council, according to a Labor paper, "consists of ordinary human beings." This is calculated to make Hai-ry Holland very 'wild.-.'- --' ;*:■; t-8 .'•_ > :: -„._' it ' *-.*-vf-' Wairau Girling, m moving the Address-ln-Reply: It is stated that the Government is a discredited Government, «nd that" It has come back fewer m numbers. That is quite correct. The Independent-Libenil-Labor-Re-form member subsequently qualified this, statement. But' ,wa's there any necessity for the qualification? No man Is really, drunk until he's too drunk to know it. unless, of course, he asks you: "Scoose.me, thlsh C'thdr'l Square or M'nd'y motn'ifV • :: :: t: Quite a" few of these divorce arrangements work out like this — A ten pound note a week, five for alimony, five out of sheer, gratitude. :: :: • :i If you must burn good money >why not burn it on an old flame? tt tt t» School . teachers reckon their job fairly varied, but what of the poor old trammie. banker, cashier, special constable — and acrobat? II v - II It The most optimistic man "Critic" has heard of for a long time was the young chap who walked into a restaurant beanless and asked for a dozen Bluff oysters In thehope that he would find a pearl to square up for the rest of his order. tt tt tl The man who wrote "Home, Sweet Home" didn't have one. There aro plenty more m the same box to-day. but they are not making, a song about lt, not that sort of a song, anyhow. M »I l»" Speaking on dlvorc*. the Bishop of Exeter is reported to have remarked: It is true that many lives are miserable because the liver* make them miserable. Isn't thia laboring the obvlou«7 "Critio" i« juat recovering from one. tt is i' .A horrible happening is thus reported ln "Tho Northlander .— When Joumoying to Kolkohe last week via Hereklno. Mr. and " tho Broadwood- Hereklno cars collldod at a sharp bend. Although both cars wero going at a slow paco. tho mail car was rendered hora-de-. corabat, and Mr. sustained damago to tho radiator. The full measure of our sympathy froes out In ono wild rush to Mr. — — - His mishap reminds us of a C6oK Strait collision ln which ono of the skippers, a dear friend, suffered serious damage to (lie steropost. On that occasion, however, the boats wero going In opposlto directions. ) "CrlHc" always thought tbat tlie ultra sensationalism m journalism was purely an Afnorican institution, yet look at these headings from the generally staid and placid "Auckland Star* :— MURDERERB AT LARGE, UNSOLVED CRIME MYSTERIES; Dismissed at tho closing down ot tho firm, "6 employcos aro receiving £100,000 from Messrs. Gordon, Askew and mddulph, tho well-known stock Jobbers of London. Now, we askew*, does that look right? :» :: * it " ''-Frank Dee writes: "is the wahlno losing h'-r punch or haa civilisation removed im sting? Al a bush danco last nlKlit Tau took moro than usual Interest m a little white sheila, nnd left his missus to enjoy de wheezing of tho concertina on her own. He even naked tho lady friend for the supper waltz. .That waa. the end of the chapter. Sirs. Tau got up and went outside— for a wuddy? — no, for a cry. It Is rumored round hero that nt tho bottom 'of Tau's inattention 14 his wife's refusal to let him go to bed I with his boot* on." <

The bone-us cut. Siki seeks his Veal fight. He's" gone to Ireland. ti :s :: "Constant Reader" asks "Critic" to recptnmend some meaty literature. Try a butcher's bill, friend. ' • • it :> "Struck by lightning. Serious Resvflts." — newspaper headings. Usual sequel to lightning strikes and go-slow strikes, too. ." ■», . ' *V I* II Walroa had a night out when the Governor-General turned' up t there. Shoehorns were a^ a discount after' the Viscount left. "it \ t: s« ■ v'VThe radio-micrometer." says a scientific paper^ "is so sensitive that it,- -will respond if anybody m its neighborhood should blush." No fear of * Its being overworked ort Lambton Quay or ori Queen Street. - '-'• ii tt -Fashion note: There Is a rumor that the low neck and the low back are on their last legs. Hadn't noticed personally that they had got as low as all that. -Extract from a modern novel: Mrs.. pointed to a door and replied Itf one syllable — "Bathroom." Now, it she had only said "Tub" Jn two syllables that book would have run into untold editions, : i \ t 1 1 A Manchester grocer Js advertising for a man to look .after customers partly outdoors and partly indoors. We shudder- to think how he would get on at closing, time, .ii tt ii ■■• Professor Boys, F.R.S., has succeeded m photographing a bullet m full flight. With time and patience he hopes ultimately to be able to get a snap of the men building the Plcton septic tank, i: it ' tt A local physiognomist professes to have discovered that the features of the waterside workers have much m common with thoso of tbo members of the House of Representatives. Thia is the nastiest jar the "wharfies" hay« bad yet. A dramatic critic states that "hyperbole is finding its way into the theatres of the Dominion." Can hardly believe this. Most of our managers are not mean m tbe matter of disinfectants. It . it 11, Reminds "Critic" of the old lady who visited McMahon's pictures Ih the old days and on coming out remarked to the genial Joe: "There's one thing about your theatre, Mi*. McMahon; there are no fleas m it." "No, madam," responded Joe, with an all-wool yardwide smile. "We dlßinfect the theatre daily." "I don't know about that," said the old dame, "but I do know there are no fleas m it. I've brought them all away with me." tt :i *i From the N.Z. Times: — HEAVY WEATHER. Saturday evening's storm proved too much for several coastal vessels. The Echo, which left port a B p.m. for Blenheim, reversed her engines and returned to harbour at 11,20 pjn., after little more than a glimpse of the Straits. Wo understand that the, idea of returning to port backwards was to keep ths spray out of tha skipper's eyes. it It I! "Critio" has fcsen waiting patiently to hear that ths winner of the New Plymouth Croquet Tournament, a more man and the only man amoog about sixty women, has been handed tha V.C., the Royal Humans Society's gold, silver and bronze medals, together with a first-class attendance certificate and any other odds and ends, but the news has not come yet. That being so, "Critic" hands him this paragraph with best wishes and congratulations on -his pluck. it tt tt THE jiIBEL. ["Many Australians bollovo that Now Zealand is overlastlngly m a state of tremor." — Newt, item.] In Aussie half the folk believe That great la our dilemma, Since poor Noo Zee perpetually Is ln a state of tremor. They think tho hills rock like the sea. And that the plains roll rhythmically. They all believe m Aussie now That when the footpaths slither Tho prohlb. mob (so help me bob I) Are thrown into a dither. ■ Our streets are filled with reeling poles That terrify all timid souls. Cyclones still whirl our homesteads round And fire them m the air; To see a calm pedestrian Is wonderfully rare. 'Tis said the whole darned landscape has Developed on eternal jazz. Now Jones, when with a few old pals Ho duly celebrates, . Goes drifting homo well after six And on reflection states: "I'm late, my dear, near lost my way. The tromor's awful bad to-day." Alnsl how false this picture ia! How full of suparstUtorts! What of our railways, Ausaio friend What of our politicians? We havo our shnro of ilumbor tib-r In faot. we're half tho time «*!<*>,