THE CRITIC

NZ Truth, Issue 881, 14 October 1922, Page 1

THE CRITIC

To the pure most modern, modes are impure. \ ■ , Sex antagonism really only exists between that woman and the other woman. " . A flapper's compliment is like bad I whisky-Tit won't hurt you unless. you ' swallow it. , ! Are longr engagements wise? Well, there's^ a risk that they may lead to marriage. Golf was originated m Scotland, but m America the Scotch has been rexmoved from it. Look out ye' golfers of New Zealand. : : : : » : "Critic" has a lady friend who claims to have "perfect control" of her voice. She. hasn't. She sings every time she , is asked to. . ' - s . ■ As an elderly" bachelor,- "Critic" can't understand that trouble about "the eternal feminine. 1 ' Shouldn't it be "infernal?" Do you use bad language when provoked? Yes. Well, before you do so next time, count ten.. ,-Note:\ This does not apply to. professional pugilists. The referee, might count more quickly. Parliament is. still 'sitting. Take's a long time to hatch out anything. Its eggs acting efforts will probably produce more curses than chickens. "In is." Sometimes "In isn't." Somp day "In is" will be "In outr" If you don't understand, this . cryptic paragraph, ask the tramway boys. f'Quaint' Indian" Rites. Village Women* sPrayers." — Newspaper heading. Why shouldn't the Quaint Indian write? But is it right that the Village Women should do all the sPraying? Most actors, m the opinion of an official of , the Acfprs' Association, are better off thari they used to' be. "Critic" would like to see some of them better when they are on. A certain amount of military training is compulsory m this young land of hope and glory. "Critic" congratulates the land of no -soap and gory on following our example. A change m Red Labor's platform will no doubt follow on the decision of the AllRussia Executive Committee. - ■> "Dominion" records a smart passage of the old sailing ship Otaki, which it relates: . . \in 1877 sailed from London to ! Gravesend m 69 days. As there was nothing wonderful about her sailing, and she never did more- than ten knots this performance is regarded as due mainly to good luck. Lucky she. got there at all. Up country journal allows a bereaved subscriber to publish this statement of "Thanks": * ■ . We wish to thank those who offered and assisted us, m the death of our uncle Samuel — — . There's nothing like real candor m an acknowledgment of this sort. A firm of wine and spirit importers m Christchurch is evidently, getting ready for the possible carrying of Prohibition, for they have added a sideline to their already extensive business by advertising: , Private Families Supplied m Assorted Dozens. Why marry, when you can get all the coincident work done for you m this wholesale fashion? Commercial Candor can go to, alarming lengths at times, but it is taking the. customer a bit too. far into the firm's confidence to announce: AMAZING SHOB^OFFER Lasts Seven Days. \ We've met that sort of shoe before. An alarming report from the Mokau district that a parrot at the local boardinghouse had developed whaf was thought to be rabies has been badly blown out. It seems that the bird was , merely trying to imitate the bagpipes. " *■• ■ ■ / Weird and wonderful are the ways of the law. In • the Dunedin Police Court the othar day the official who sits m front of the .Magistrate soiemnly charged a trembling youth with the following heinous crime: That while riding a motor cycle at the rear of a tramcar, ho did pass such tramcar while it was stationary. And the poor defendant pleaded p.uiltyy What a shining example, or might one say a "rare" example, of the assininity of set forms. Instant execution would probably have been a punishment to fit the crime, bjtwha!- a shame to rob the world of such a remarkable contortionist as he, who -while riding at the rear of a tramcar can pass it. Christchurch "Press" is running rings round Saturn, new rings which the planet has not hitherto been credited with. Our contemporary gravely announces: The enormous tinted belts of cloud, "" with, occasional brighter spots upon them, which are thought to be cyclonic disturbances m Saturn's colossal atmosphere, add greatly .to the interest this wonderful world has for us, a world so vast that 820 words the size of ours could be placed within it. ■' . We always knew that the "Press" : was a wordy journal, but if it can only put -820 words of "its size" m. Saturn, then either Saturn is a muchly-over-rated planet or the "Press" must have a Chinese encyclopaedia for the- general use ©Hits ataflL " ' J

*** BBa * a| MMMmw nniiiimi'iifit'MiiTir"mßßiip'S^j A great thing marriage — until you wake up. A Yankee/ friend assures us that gasoline runs about ten miles to the gallon; bootleg-about ten funerals. Bashful young men have been known ...to propose by wireleo.3, but you can understand ..the girl proj.ei-ring a ring. Many of our "good men" would make great advertising agents. f They, excel m boosting — self. ; "Brain-wave" — Often -^ound m the harbour near the outflow from the slaughterhouse. ,(i :i :» An American friend says his coun. try has" a Statue of Liberty, but what it needs more is a Statute of Liberty, not alleged Prohibition of Liberty. Aeroplanes are now being used to smuggle whisky into the U.(B)Nighted States. "It's an ill wind that blows nobody any booze." ; You /can have your Carpentiers, Gleesons and Demskys, for the man whose punch always makes a mark give us the tram conductor. "Critic" wishes the" cablecrammerg would get the wire-less craze. Then we might get more of the air-real m our overseas news. "Reform's" many Commissions whose ostensible objective is ' public utility have mostly proved to be public futilities. "Give the flapper a fair showing," says a contemporary. But isn't this one of those little things she attends to herself? ,"' Agricultural-turf item: Shearing will be continued at Masterton this week. , At Wellington the following week an even bigger clip is expected. Lamb's wool is m keen demand. L "Critic" wants to get a recovery on recent experiences. He is willing to lay any odds that most of the "good things" he will get for the next race meeting will prove "bad things." :: \ :: s: ~ , "Creditor" .writes protesting against a recent bankrupt being described as a "contractor." "Critic" can't support the protest. Any bankrupt could legitimately call himself a contractor;, he has at least shown he can contract debts. : : \? : : Waiters and waitresses get tips. Rival weight-adjusters for the racing clubs give them — less remunerative, often. All get commended and condemned' m turn. Everything cornea to him (or her) who waits (or, weights). , . The old idea that "talk is cheap" is ' exploded. Look at tie cost of Par* liament. Look at th-3 salaries drawn by the best talkers lor insurance companies. 'Look at but why try to 1 explode an exploded idea? "Critic" is "a devou/t reader of all ladies' columns. He notices that at SOCial functions "flame" is greatly m evidence just now. For instance: Miss Ohsingontie wore black satin, ■ with flame sash. . . . Miss McMurphywore emerald taffetas with touches of flame. Hot stuff, surely, even m the degrad* ing depths of a society function. THE OPTIMIST. Optimism is the doctrine that everything m the universe is ordered for the best. There are two classes of optimists — she-ones and he-on.es. The She-Optimist. An optimist is a woman who will buy hair restorer ! From a bald-headed chemist whoi lives at the corner. An optimist is a woman who buyS . paint and powder , . To fill m the faults with which Tima has endowed her. An optimist is a woman who cuta off her skirt At the knees, to pretend it will gath-? ■ er no dirt. ' But really it's cut just to show Nature's charms, And she fears .not, nor cares no& for causing alarms. An optimist is a woman who loves\ not the wowser — And sools him at all times with faithful dbg Towser — \ She must be an optimist who enjoys a good smoke Of top-notch cigarettes, when she's darned near well- broke. Any ' woman's an optimist m th© ordinary-, way, If she can win admiration and have her own say. The He-Optimist. An optimist is a man who thinkg he can raise ; Garden truck like the champions the Chinamen raise, v An optimist is a man who can sea 'the bright side, Though dark trouble o'ertakes him at every stride. An optimist is a Johnny who promises to buy Fair "Hebe a car, as he winks the glad eye; ' Of course, he expects her to do with . ' a Ford, And wanders off home with the notion he's scored. An optimist's a man who can make lemonade, Out of remnants of lemons when \ squash has been made. He must be an optimist who continues surmising: "Home, Sweet Home" while the' rent is rising. Ail optimist's one who, m sweet U.S.A., Carries a oork-serew at this tisas o2 day,,