THE CRITIC

NZ Truth, Issue 850, 4 March 1922, Page 1

THE CRITIC

There is an oddly persistent rumor afloat that we are having a slump.' Parliament Buildings are expected to be completed' about June next. Why this unseemly haste? Grey River "Our Goose" reports the death of an elderly man who was "found drowned m bed." A wet. end. * ■ * * * ■ ' ' * " A Chow named William Hum was fined at Wanganui^recently for haying a filthy backyard. .'Evidently determined to live up;! to his name. ■1 :s .'• «*.- . ■" "Critic" had\ lunch with a man. the other day who said he remembered Bill Massey m his. early days m Parliament. Personally, "Critic" always thinks it is best to let bygones be bygones. ; " : ..-.',. Vital statistics show a; reduction m . the marriage rate, but the birth rate ■keeps up. Seeing the state things are m just now, all "Critic" can say is that he admires _the babies foil their pluck. si :: :: The Wairarapa rag tells us -that : A swarm of bees invaded a Masterton church on Sunday morning, and for a while the. congregation were fearful of being attacked.. ' Yet there was really no cause for alarm, for church congregations are always stung (if only for a tray-bit) when the plate comes along.- / :: , :: " Headings frdm the Manawatu "Standard" : . SHOT THROUGH THE HEAD. A Dairy Hand's End. . "Critic!' has heard of folks who are supposed not to have developed "from the neck upwards," but never of anyone who ended. from the head downwards. .• '.... .'.' , i-u A North Island newspaper ("Critic" will be charitable to the reader under the circs, and refrain from mentioning names) had the following a" few days 'ago : Wlanted a steady, respectable young man to look after a garden and milk a cow who has a good voice and is accustomed to sing m tho choir. "Critic" knows one of his fellowboarders (a bathroom artist) who has a cow of a voice, but he has never heard of a choral cow with a chorister's voice. It is popularly supposed that "dog won't eat dog," but what is to be said of the alleged "Worker" who advertises m the Auckland "Star": Navvy Job for sale. Having got another job, will: sell same. Apply "Work," 741, "StaT." Here is one of the horny-handed witlv two jobs desirous of exploiting his fellow worker by offering one for sale. Are there no unions m Auckland to look into this matter, and what price the sordidity of a journal, supposed to be of democratic principles, accepting such an advertisement? The "highest bidder" stunt is, apparently, not confined to Piute. In an article m- "Nature" -'on "AnK mals' Protection," that journal assures us that": The skunk's protection is the (power to emit a fluid of evil color. Despite the offensive odior the fumes used to be employed as a "smelling -i salt" tot the cure of asthma. One " clergyman suffering from the malady was m the habit of .taking into tho pulpit a tightly- corked bottle full of the remedy,, and sniffling at it when need arose. On one occasion he inadvertently removed the cork. Within a • few seconds the church was empty. This picturesque commentator neglects to say whether the sermon had started. A ■ merciful man ought to be merciful even to- his skunk. The Irish author of "Some Personalities" has an. eye for the lighter order of human nature. None of his reminiscences of ' important people have quite the piquancy of an election anecdote,, m which a minister said to him :. ■. I have' just heard that you are willing to oppose Mr. B . Now, iwe teetotallers have been feeling very greatly distressed at the Idea of a brewer having a walk-over, and we have -been praying about it night after night. And now what I want to do is this : I want to call a special prayer meeting for tonight, before, your intention is known, to make a final appeal for a candidate; and I want you to walk m, m the midst of our prayers, and announce that you are going to stand. .'""'.'-' •- " J Cute coves those clergy I • • a '!«"■:. ' j .;, Poor old Mr. and Mrs. Rat are' having a rough time— but why. torture .them. Deal out death to them, but let the end be slick and neat. : •The report of Napier's Harbormaster theother day Ycertainly sounds; like, torture". Here is how he reported to the Board: , , ' . The campaign against rats continues. Poison,' has-been, laid continuously. Several rats have been caught m icages. ■ In one instance a rat was caught. -with the , poisoned " bait and. fed on. poisoned food iri the trap for. four days, when the rat expired. This \was done under direc- i '.■ tion of the Health Department. | Surely, "something lingering, with I boiling oil m it." What's the S.P.O.A. I doing, anyway ?. ,

A necessary accomplishment for a street thief : Purse-pick-acity ! . \ The most difficult of all problems at the present day is making two ends meat. - . - ' s ■' \ ■■ : ft The difference between a Horse and its owner: The horse dotes on oata and its owner dotes on notes. It is estimated that there are 50,« 000,000 bacteria to the square inch on our dirty!- bank notes. This seema rather a moderate figure. "Critio" demands a recount. ' "Critic", using an automatic telephone m Wellington last Tuesday, got on to a non-automatic number correctly the first pop. "Critic" intends to get that number patented. ss :: if "Is deep breathing the best way ttf expand the lungs V" comes a qiiertf for' our Inquirers' Column. "Critic* replies "No." . The only satisfactory way is to use a glove stretcher. Southland "Snooze" has discovered a method of combating the shortage of eggs problem- It advertises : For. sale, Cockerels; same as competition birds. Good layers. Apply Morris, Queen-street, South Invercargill. Equality of the sexes again. Some Cox's Pippins, these ! Says a New York message to a - London paper : A certain amount of apprehension has been aroused among users of Ford motor cars by the reported decision of Mr. Ford m future to I manufacture his machines out of I cotton. The Ford cars of the future will indeed be a "reel" source of merriment. :: , . :: . ••-, ' A :• ■■>' A ■ recent issue of the "Southland News" contained a rotten reflection on the British Crown as follows : The 1921 minted sixpences have ■ such a suspicious appearance that several of them, circulating m Southland, have attracted the attention of the police. On some of these the thin outer layer of silver has cracked, disclosing the darker x colored metal underneath. It is an- \ ticinated that the issue will soon', be recalled. Fancy the police suspecting Georgie Rex of circulating counterfeit coin ! The Governmental paidattheexpenseofthepeoplebfNewZealand telegram to local bodies didn't even pay for itself m some cases, for a country exchange reports : A dairy factory near Inglewood .returned its Princess Mary subscription list endorsed : "Unsupported ; butter-fat only 7d per lb." "Critic's" prescient eye can see Princess Mary sitting on, the doorstep m her nightie with a hurry-up wrap thrown on,' waiting for the morning paper and anxiously scanning the cables to ascertain the price of butter - fat on the Rialto. Maybe there'll be another tuppence yet, Mary, if things go right and Sookie and Dolly don't go off their oats. Fear not, lassie, but put your trust m Taranaki. The generosity of Its cowspankera cannot be. impugned. »J «! 51 Further evidence from a Taranaki paper that the cow cookies are really hard up : "How much money did you get ih for Princess Mary 7" asked a councillor at tho Stratford Borough Council on Monday night. "Fifteen bob" replied the clerk, and added as an afterthought, "I sent it away, too. It cost me 25s to advertise it." Why, when dad puts a similar query to his young hopeful on Guy Fawkea' mornirfg young Tommy is able to show almost as good a divvy and at no expense, either. ss :; - •• But the admission of the Waimate "Witness" tops them all : The Princess Mary fund will, we fear, not claim attention by reason of Manaia's. contribution. ' The Town Clerk reported that he had re- • ceived none. The "Witness" is leading, with 2s. Won't the Royal Family have a down on Tarknaki after this ! NEVER AGAIN. ' ~ "Accused was discharged on his undertaking to have a prohibition order issued against him, and left the dock audibly commenting to the magistrate 'Never again, sir, never again." — News Item. /* -. ' My head is splitting, I've got' aj bad taste-r- --. Never again ! Oh, fool, time and money*, m folly to waste — : Never again ! • To 'think that some pleasure I thought I could see In starting last night on a terrible -spree And keeping.it up till this morning at three — ■ Never again ! This phrase as a motto at school 1 should be- taught— ' : -.. ' Never again ! To learn it by heart every decent man ought — --Never again ! And yet when this sickness has all worn away, I knOw that I'll start out again to be gay, Although with, conviction at present I say— Never again !