The Critic

NZ Truth, Issue 749, 25 October 1919, Page 1

The Critic

Who can undaunted brave the Critle's rage, Or note unmoved hla mention m the Critic's pago^ Parade hia »rrf m the publio eye, And «M other Grundy** raoe d*fyf '

Let well alone — and do better. • * * Mr. Massey's motto: Go' where you're pushed. * • « What the man with a lot of money always wants: More money. # « « Free food is fattening, but the labored for loaf leaves a man lean. # # # Acynio: One who haa eaten a bad dinner or loved the wrong woman. ■ * # * In an article on "The Censor's Humor," the Glasgow "Evening 1 News" refers sarcastically to "the Censor's 'bun.' " He certainly took the "cake" while he was at it. I-* * * A note m the "Finance and Trade" columns of the day-lies says: Brass goods are likely to be dearer before the market is fully, supplied. Not much wrong with that, is there? It's only a case of "more brass" for more brass. • . # • • The Rangiora "Standard" scribe is of opinion that his fellow-townsmen do not need to pray the Heilantman's pray. "Oh, Lord, gi'e us a quid consate o' oorsel's." He says: A New Zealand visitor to the Royal Horse Show, England, this year, is of opinion that the jumping was not so good as they had seen at Rangiora exhibitions. But, where's Rangiora, anyway? # ' # # "I'm for no more," said Mac Tartan, after his three mates had each "shouted" m turn, "you know, I never could stand many . drinks." "No," said the Cockney. "5 r ou're too Scots." • ■■■•■•■ • Someone advertises m the "Mataura Ensign" for a Good General or' girl to waist; must sleep m. That job ought to b« njßhed. If oat irfrls now-a-days ar* all top willing to "sleep to,"

Some marriages could be kept secret if It wasn't for the divorce exposures.

It looks. as if this country had been caught as unprepared for peace as it was for war.

Boots have again gone up m price. The scarcity of paper is responsible for a lot of things. • .., •' • A vesjsel laden with whisky has -gone ashore at Margate. The local jsa.per ! claims that that is the hundredth vessel with a whisky cargo that has been wrecked or gone ashore there during the last half -century. Now the wives of Coclfayne know wjiy their "hubbies" always declared Margate was the place for a happy holiday. * • . • The "Women's Sphere" says: A tartan shirt, a little too short, a chic little jacket with a roll collal-, and a velvet Tam-o'-Shanter stuck on at a rakish angle to give it the right effect is a most fetching outfit. ' ■ ■ ■* Fetching is Just the word. A sheilah with a tartan, or any other kind of "shirt a little too short" would "fetch" all the male population m the vicinity, and, even m trite bathing season, might "fetch" the daring damsel fourteen days' hard without the option. # 9 # The "stone-hand" on the " 'Split'Post" has a quiet, but insidious' wit. Immediately after the closing paragraph of a five-column news-cum-ad-vert article which sought to prove that the Vacuum Oil Company was not guilty of profiteering, he set the suggestive heading, JUST A PACK OF LIES. Nuf sed. ■ . ■.' # * # Since the closing, of the pubs at six o'clock, one of "Critic's" pals says he has discovered the answer to the Prohibs.' query, "Why do teetotallers live longer than whisky drinkers?" His answer is: "They, don't really, only it seems a d.umbsi§fht longer."

How fast the woman with good teeth sees a joke! • * #

Lawyers sometimes tell the truth. Indeed, some of them will do^ anything to win a case. • a # The weavers of good owd Lancashire are demanding that milk be sold "as pure as beer." But a little stronger, one should hope. * * • Speaking the other evening m the House q.n the need of production being greatly in-creased m Npp Zee, Sir James Allen said: "We must turn everybody into a producer." The Bolshevik! ♦ « * "It's the blood that counts!" cry the Jingoes. It does, every time. Just let the profiteers see a little of their own blood, and note how qujckly they'll take the count. •. • o The politician,- while condemning profiteering, says, "In the interest of the seller we must maintain a fair level of prices." But a "fair level" for the "seller" is generally moat unfair for the buyer. # * * "Nellie Lord" thus hits off OUR LADY LEGISLATOR. . No longer may we cane her, • Or to the fender chain' her; Our privileges she will flout. And m each chamber she will spout From benches oak or kauri; She'll shock our members Maori. With logic academic She'll air her^skill polemic; And when she's felled us all quite flat With reason that's abstruse or pat She'll take, her way serenely. This legislator queenly, From Houses Lpw'r and Upper, To Bellamy's for supper. * * a Not, one of the day-lies commented on the following significant cable from Paris via London: The question of the protection of the ethnical ami religious minorities ! is alleged to be merely a pretext, the Americans seeking a quarrel because the Roumanians refused to allow . . the Standard Oil Co. of America to secure Roumahla's petroleum supplies. The Roumanians are able to stand firm because they command the Russian market,! of which they cannot be deprived. Illuminating! Ah. well, Unole Sham has shot down his own boys m the interest of "Standard Oil" before now, so what will a few Roumanians more or less, matter?

Have you ever noticed that the bashful man m any set is generally first married. No, no, "Critic" does not insinuate anything, •* • « When Bob Smillie had the "dooks" 'and Opiates" before hirh for crossexamination at the British Mines Commission, didn't he ""haul them over the coals?" * * * . With a pair of scissors, pray, Could you pare a pear each day? Then it were well . If you could tell How many pair you heard me say? I '<* • <# ■ * | When .will our so-called industrial leaders learn that a "living" wage is not a Labor demand? Weak and disorganised Labor takes what it can get Strong and organised Labor compels Plute to give all it can take. • """ * • .'-.#,. Britain invested 568 millions m Russia during the war. Hence the desperate effort* of John Bullion to es|ablish "ordered rule" m the country where Bolsheviks are bred. * # • The Noo Yawk "Sun" says: A meeting was held m the Bankers' Club, New York City, between representatives of American oil interests m Mexico, and a leading religious organisation, to map out the campaign of spiritual uplift for our boys m the inevitable war with Mexico. No thought of throwing the "oil" on the "troubled waters" m order to avoid war. But how could they when it is by reason of so much oil that the waters are always more on les3 troubled In Mexico? *. • • A cable from Paris, published m last Monday's "Morning Mist," Informs us v that: M. Recondite, during a forty -six minutes' flight, reached a speed of two hundred miles ah hour. M. Recondite may be very profound for a Frenchman, but he. will have to go some more if he is desirous of winning the blue ribbon as an aeronaut, for look, ye, the London "Dilly Mail" tells us of a British flying school:. This aerodrome is practically on the edge of the" cliffs, and in 1 a few second the machines axe over the ocean with the nearest land 2000 miles away. What Is "two hundred miles an hour," compared with "2000 miles" "m a few seconds!"

Poor Hilliare Belloc, hailed as a military expert during the first year of the war, came kerwallop when he started to forecast "coming events." Unfortunately, he prophesied before he knew, with the result that the battles an,d victories he predicted didn't come off and his stock fell so low that before the war closed he was writing a book m denunciation of "The Free Press," the very press that had paid him all too handsomely for his ravings concerning what the Germans would do. next. In the book m question he claims that. the only "free" papers are one or two sheets with limited circulations run by -certain of his personal, friends. He says they have great weight and influence; although their circulation is small, as note, he says how the words they coin pass Into language. "A. R. Orage coined 'profiteer' m the first year of the war." Pood Hilliare seems to be as unreliable as a historian as he proved himself to be as a prophet. The word "profiteer" was first used by Fred Jowett, when Labor member for Bradford, In the House of Commons, about a dozen years ago.

In spite of the facts this journal has been able to lay before its readers from time to time concerning the operations of the 'Murkan Meat Trust m Noo Zee, there are certain benighted mugwumps who are not convinced of the truth of our statements. However, our brothers m the Old Dart are satisfied that the evil thinff is hero. The Edinburgh "Uvening News" says:

Th 9 trouble m the meat trade Is approaching a climax. The villain-ous-looking and indigestible stuff masquerading 1 under the came of beef has aroused the ire of the London butchers, who are threatening to "down choppers" unless matters are put right, and that speedily. The consumer wfll.be with the retailers "all the time" In their revolt against selling the produce of Manchuria and Brazil while good quality meat is lying m Australasia awaiting shipment Why the ships now released from war work are not. put on to the job is a matter which is ingeniously explained by one writer on the question, who hints that the "clutching hand" of the "Big Five" has a finger m this pie also. When it is stated that the digits, of the trust have extended to the . far-off Antipodes, the suggestion that they have established a new "Shipping Controller" does not appear so far-fetched as it would otherwise seem. New Zealand mutton and lamb, for which the British public have been hungering, have actually been sold — on behalf of our Government — to the United States, for, it is explained, it had to be disposed of m some way, and no shipping was released at the time for bringing- it across the sea. In addition, the South American market is controlled by the Chicago "bosses" who, like Colossus, bestride the world and issue its .meat. rations. Hence the present trouble. The minions of the 'Murkan Meat Ring cornered the world's market while the war was on, and the task of getting rid of its control will not be an easy one. Here m New Zealand, as over m Australia, it worked, a "double cross," and "Critic" approves of the decision of the Edinburgh-vfladical sheet, that "the tentacles of the Trust mupt be removed from Australasia." Are you* listening, Mr- M&ss#y? .«♦• yoi^

From all accounts the war now going 1 ' ' on m Russia seems to be to save the. . world "from" Democracy.

The following advert. Is from th« London "Stage." Wanted— Good stage electrician,' No good stage electrician. It's to be hoped he got what he wanted.

The dour' Dunedin reactionary rag f stops blackguarding' Labor for a moment m order' to tell its readers that ' A book-keeper is a book-keeper." Well, ooinel said he was a waterside 3 worker? Anyway "Critic" knows to his - cost that no book-keeper can keep books like the book-borrower. :• • • • /# A circular sent round a glad-raff store employees appealing for "staffs loyalty" to the firm, 'points out that though the head of the firm is very wealthy there's a lot of things ho can't ■" do. It says: He can't start the day right uiw ' less YOU report on time. He can't make sales unless YOU, make customers. He can't guarantee satisfaction without YOUR support ' : He can't increase your wages un* less YOU increase his profits. He cant keep you on the pay list* "unless you keep your mind on hi* "-. interesta . But isn't this giving the show away - 1 to the workers? At least it looks lik» SSh£?thS3' t ** a * oWarat *»* i

An erudite scribe on tha Auckland jreactionary rag corrects a brother pan* pusher <m a. South Island paper for attributing to Dr. Johnson ths quota* tion: Let ua take a walk down Fleet-. street The knowledgeable young man m th» Queen City asserts that the "quotation was invented by G. A. Sala, and attributed to Dr. Johnson by him," and that it "cannot be found m any of Dr. . Johnson's works. G-. A. Sala was tha ' real author." It is not the first time "Critic", has had to step m and corirect the corrector. It is true that Dr. Johnson did not use the words attributed to him by G. A. Sala, who afters wards claimed to have invented them when he was m need of a quotation, : just as Sir Walter Scott often did, antt , many other writers have • done since, i But Sala made a mistake when h« claimed to have "invented" the quota- ■ tion. As a matter of fact, memory had taken the place of fancy and he merely - misquoted a line from G. Lewis's "History of Philosophy," namely, "Let us take a walk down Cheapside." ■■

I # s * * "W.G.H." thus sarcastically apostro-: '■' phies the City of Winds: WELLINGTON : A WARNING. Wonderful City I as wealthy, as windy, Loud-roaring your plenty on par-. venue pitch; Booming indeed. 1 for the ghastliest shindy « ' That men ever raised is making you rich. ! That being so, and ' conditions propJk ' tious; . ;i , Take stock of your features, failings, and faults, As jPou jostle all rivals to drink tat delicious Draughts of success prosperity, ■ maltk _ ' A . ~ ■ • ■ - I '•■ A tangle of terraces, round-about byways, / ' Twisting and turning when met toy. • a bluff; The "Straet called Straight," ! that ; monarch of highways, Neglected, deserted, and laft In th« .' rough! ■ ■■; Right-o'-ways wrongfully granted th« greedy, Buildings intruded ■ on backyard* domain; Slovenly slums housing gaolbirds. . < or needy, Testify how shoddy youD reign. : \ A jumble of jerry-built villas contri* ving v To keep up appearance with ptrtt^ , and paint, Some churches and chapels dejectedly striving To capture more converts by. amr bush and feint. Bewildering more, your mixture of "traders," Cupidity's magnet attracts for all time, From merchants mendacious to old* bottle-raiders, Sly, "ringing the changes" on pro* fit's base chime! Officials of State, exceeding m numbe* Your drapers, your diddlers, your drugget's and drones; Embarrass and block the road's living ■lumber, Or sharpen their wits on Governs ment hones. r Theosophists fearsome, faith-healeri freaky, Your Methodist mournful, wet Baptists, and Spooks; Expectant Adventists, Salvationers shrieky, And ALL "daggers drawn" like the brigands m books! Wonderful Wellington! take thought for the morrow; Look to your laurels— Nelson'i awake! Though Chris,tr6huroh, Dunedin, an* Auckland,, now ftrtlqw 1 , They may/ forge to the front, Md* collar your oak©!