The Critic

NZ Truth, Issue 699, 9 November 1918, Page 1

The Critic

0.8.E. — Order Bestowed on Everybody, • . | ! - . ■•*..'*.. # j Disappointment: Seeing another chap Kiss the pretty girl you thought would scream. ;■'■' # ■. ♦ * There is a type of woman who does not appreciate her hubby until she gets his life insurance to spend. .-■■* t « ■ iThere has been much speculation as to what a/ woman means when she says "No"; but no one has ever bothered to ask what she means when she-says "Yes." ..'*■' * • The cable-fablers made a note of the fact that: . • The new German helmet is specially designed to protect the neck. Herein is the . wonderful foresight of the German All Highest once more .emphatically demonstrated. That's whefre the loser generally gets it! - #. * * They advertise m the shop windows m some of the smaller New South Wales towns -where the daily press has not penetrated. Hence the following, which was duckily billed recently m the local grocer's shop: -Lost, a pair of tame wild ducks; both drakes. What a waste of losing energy. ! fc * %>•• Thus a North Coast (New South Wales) Mayor, orating at a recent public meeting: • These splendid hills of ours, covered by beautiful green garbage, upon which the brilliant light of Old Tom is shed every morning, will yet live to see the day," etc. And so that long day wore on. * * » Extract from ship's orders on a transport bound for the front: Complaints having been made to the captain by some passengers that officers appear on the promenade deck at 8 a.m. m pyjamas, the officer commanding 'hopes that this practice will cease, and that officers will appear without pyjamas. Wow ! ■ < ,'* * « When the bells pealed merrily, joyously, cheerfully, and the sirens hooted howlishly. at noon on Monday, on the occasion of the signing of the Austrian armistice, a prisoner at the Magistrate's Court m Wellington leaned over and whispered to the nearest farthing m the copper trail: "I 'ope Germany's declared peace. I might get off then." That's how these little things have an individual application. » « * Referring to the recent visit to Canada of Lord Reading, the Mon- , treal "Globe" says: ! .Wearing, a modest bunch of violet? and ah almost beatific smile, the famous orator entered the Rose Room. Gee, if that was all 'he was wearing, the "famous orator's" wasn't the only smile m the; room, although it would •hardly, be -'correct to describe the others j as "beatific." .■.-.■*.-■ * * Evidently if the settlers at Houhora and Waihopo can't help a lame dog over a style they can at least pull him back when he tries to climb it. An advert m the 'Oly " 'Erald," Auckland, tells of how such help was given On a recent occasion: I tender my sincerest thanks for their assistance m my misfortune. Wonder what kind of thanks this thanksgiving bloke would have tendered if they had helped him "over" his misfortune? ♦ o o * The "Auckland Weekly" tells, us that The first prosecution m Dunedin against a hotelkeeper for selling after 6 p.m., was heard on Monday when the license and last day. An inquest was held on Monday by Mr. E. C. Cutten, S.M. Evidently the Prohibs. are right after all, and there's death m the, pot! But if the result of the first prosecution for selling liquor after "shicks" o'clock necessitated an inquest, it ought to be a 'warning to dour Dunedin dramdrinkers to get m earlier. * • * An elderly lady from "North of Auckland," which is synonymous with the wilderness, having fallen upon evil days, advertised her pet pony tor sale. She received an enquiry from a\\prospective buyer, who wished to 'know the age, color, sex and other details of the neddy. Whereat tJhe old dame sat down and wrote: Dear Sir, — In reply to your letter, my seven-year-old chestnut mare is still for sale. I do not know whether she, is a gelding or not, but if necessary will find out if possible. She is still prosecuting inquiries. * * • • Nobody goes to the "Free Lance" for information that can be relied upon. Still, it kids itself it knows something about politics, and particularly about Labor politics. But it can.'t kid "Critic." Referring to Peter Fraser's win m Central Wellington, and m the usual "after the whipping" style of trying to make a mortal defeat look like a moral victory, it says: Extremist Labor never stays away from %he polls. Much the pore benighted 'eathen knows about it. Why, one of the greatest obstacles m the way of Labor's success is the growing tendency of extremist Laboi*, to stay away from the polls.

Who can undaunted bra vethe^CriticV rage, Or note unmoved his mention m the Critic's page, Parade his error m the public eye, And Mother Grundy's rage defyf

Before marriage, kisses are given m bushels. After marriage they are reduced to pecks. , • ■ *• * * Socialism: One man m love with three women. Anarchy: Three women m love with one. mart. * <c % * God made the cotmtry, And man made the town; But the Germ H.uns have made both Like a place lower down. * tf x * The Maorilanders at the front say that the Allies will not stop until they take the "toot" out of the Teuton, the germ out of Germany, and send the Kaiser m search of his "kai"!. * * * The "Seattle^ Times" peers into the future vigorously thus: Young man would like the acquaintance of young lady; object, sociability and what may follow. j "Critic" offers a substantial prize for the best guess; so get busy, you soothsayers. * » * The London "Dilly Dispatch" de- j clares that m a recent action: Between 200 and 300 guns were taken, including a Railway Bun of heavy calibre. Yep, "Critic" has once or twice struck a "bun" of that type at the railway refreshment rooms. No doubt the Allies found it very indigestible, « * * Really people ought to watch their advertising a little more closely, and we should get fewer illustrations of "things" one would rather ha'ye expressed differently. This is from a Manchester paper: Superior middle-aged widow, with daughter, (17), desires re-engage-ment as Housekeeper to gentleman; salary, including daughter, £20. * * * Thus the ladies' column of the "British Weekly": Modern — Your mother is quite right; it is usual to include these m the trousseau; but if you have firmly -made up your mind never to wear them again, it appears to be rather a wasfe of energy and material to add them .to what is no doubt already a long list. Far too intimately elusive for "Critic" to pry further. * * * The Inglewood "Record" seems determined to oust the "Grey River Argoose" from first place for intelligence m newspaper reporting. Here is' a sample of the North Island scribe's beautiful diction: Evidence m support of this fact is really attainable from the number of dead hides submitted at recent auction sales. Generally their cows as usual, but basing "such speaking, farmers have provided for provision on a normal season. There's perspicuity, translucency, intelligibility, and clearness for you. Clearly had those "dead" hides been alive it would have been proof of the opposite— Whatever that was! .. * * ■ « "Critic" stands corrected. The other week lie insinuated that the person in.i the Flat City. who declared that he had "laying" » drakes to sell, really wanted to "sell" the buyer. Pie takes it all back. Mr. J. Owen, of Sunnyside, Ohakune, advertises m the "Auckland Weekly," that he has drakes for sale: From a pen of six, that laid .1570 m twelve months. Of course, he does not say theft they lay "duck" eggs — but, how. could they, they're drakes! Apparently there are more "Sunnysides" than one. *#■ ■ # But eggs is eggs. Frnstns, the Glasgow "Evening Times" tells its readers that: A Bonhill hen is responsible for an egg ten inches m diameter, eight and a half inches m circumference, and six ounces m weight. Gee,- when next "Critic" visits the "Goosedubs". he'll order "Twa Bonhulls fur brekfist." Now if those Sunnyside drakes could lay eggs like that Bonhill hen it would be something to quack over. But what puzzles "Critic" is why the scribe doesn't tell who was eating the egg between the time the scribe measured the diameter and the circumference, as there seems to be something like twenty-two inches of egg missing! « * # How the plute press tries . to -cast reflections upon the Labor movement m general and Socialists m particular, has been pointed out m these columns time and again. The " 'Dough- minion" the other day allowed its cable-fabler to describe the Hon. Arthur Henderson, M.P., ex-member of the War Cabinet, as a Labor Member AND a Socialist. Mr. Henderson, as '"Critic" has before pointed out, never was a member of a Socialist organisation, and became a Labor man only by virtue of the position his Trade Union held m the Labor Party. Arthur was always a Liberal, and m the election previous to his return as Labor Member for Barnard Castle he acted as Liberal agent, although a Labor • man (Jim Connell, Author of "The Red Flag") was being run by the 1.L.P., and had the endorsement of the local Trades Council. Henderson previously had been chosen as John Morley's colleague for Newcastle, by the Liberal Six Hundred, but gave way m favor of a Liberal Capitalist. It was the rise of the Labor Party that brought Henderson over to Labor. Had it remained fighting forlorn hopes, "Artie" J would have remained a very docile Liberal. . '

The penny press .pen-pushers and other pimps m the pay of plute and the profiteers look to "the saner elements m the Labor movement" (a la '.' 'Split' - Post") to safeguard the wag-e-earners against extremists. To h — h — -heaven with the good old "saner helements" of Labor. * ■„-•• v * - # « v .The "Grey River Argoose" is getting cynically metaphysical. It says that: • Material questions are not of paramount importance. Which,' being interpreted, meaneth that material questions are immaterial! „.».. ..■* * Then a little further on, speaking of Germany, it says .that it is: A sort of outlawed State with which the rest of the' world will have nothing to do, and arguments developed along that line can serve no useful Germany's future influence as a spiritual force outweighs all consider purpose. That may be metaphysics also, but.it looks damn rot. Anyway, "Critic"^ confesses his inability to interpret it* without a "key." ' *■ The Edinburgh "Evening 1 Dispatch" tells us that: The number .of distinctions that have been conferred on commoners by the King- since the beginning of the war, now runs into many hundreds. It can't be that Wee Jordie the Five is expectantly afraid that if he doesn't confer such distinctions now he might not have the chance of doing v so "after the war." Anyway, as a result of the ' lavish way m which his Majesty has scattered around 0.8.E.'s and C.M.G.'s, etc., we are appreciably nearer the time when everybody will be somebody, and nobody anybody! « - * # Prom what was said m these columns when Parliament opened readers are aware that our Parliamentary [ rep. hadn't a very high opinion of the "■ 1 Guv.-Gen.'s speech. Still, what he did .. say about it was respectful though caustic, and m no way suggested lose Majeste. But what price the Greymouth "Star?" Here is a sample of 1 how it reported His Ex.: Honorable Gentlemen of the Legislative Council and Gentlemen of the House of Representatives, I trust that m your deliberations Divine Providence may guide 3 r ou to the ads vantage of our Sovereign, of his Em- > pire, and of this Dominion. HAWi HAW! GO ON! ' There's condensed criticism for you! ■ But; say, what price a prosecution for ' sedition, sedition-felony, or disloyalty,---1 or whatnot? Nov/, had it been the "Green. Ray," "The Shirker," or ' "Troof" — What! * * * The humor of Tommy is perennial. ■ The "Daily Mail" tells the following ■ story of what happened when a Van- : kee chaplain rose to address a batch of l Tommies : ' The venerable preacher mounted the platform steps. "Boys," said he, . "I've come to tell you something about religion. Would you like to begin right away, or would you rather i have a 'movie' film first?" A talr, raw-boned soldier lad stood up m the audience. "To hell with the 'movies'!" he cried. "Let's 'ear abaht tis .'ere b — = — religion." That reminds "Critic" of a somewhat similar story related by the young 1 poet, ' Rupert Brooke, whose early demise, while "doing his bit," removed from the literary world one of the most promising of the younger mem* ■i bers of Britain's nest of singing birds. Rupert tells it this way: The speaker was a Tommy who had fought at Mons and Ypres. "Wot I don't like about this- 'ere' bleedin' Europe is all these b picttires of Jesus Christ and his relations behind bits o' b glawss. Yet they tell us that the British soldier is a good Christian, and that religion never had a stronger hold on the rising generation and the manhood of Britain than it has to-day. And these stories are retailed by "chaplains!" Wonder what Wussley, John Knox, and . Father Matthews would have said to that sort of thing? '» # • "The Nor-wester" (out of breath writes from the Flat City: GLOW, KINDLY LIGHT. Sweet Avon chastely rippling stream, Where fluffy ducks perambulate, A prupper wumihan is by da}', But (save us, Lorrd!) when it grows late. Then sichts that make me tremble quite, Arise on all her banks so green, I dare not take my wine out, For such rude • things she's neve* seen. So I must nose around alone, My "darter" c'en can't come With' me; And softly pad m stockinged feet, And glut my curiositee. I peep, I prowl, I spring, I peer, I squash beneath me daisies white, I turn my eyes from shocking things, And turn 'em back again — with fright. Oh! were I but with Marshal Foch, Or even General Allenby, I'd end this tiresome naughty war With such a sniper I would be. But lovely Avon claims my care, And uses up my strategee; I'll, strike me pink! (I nearly swore!) I'll clean up her depravitee. By Cromwell's bones I'll get a light To flash around her benches gay Avaunt Thy splendid darrk. Oh, Lorrd' Men can't be good except by day. A light, my councillors, until This soft and genial dusk has fiowaS A light! or (yes, I'll say it) damn, I'll take a candle on my own!