The Critic

NZ Truth, Issue 604, 13 January 1917, Page 1

The Critic

IWho em uiidmntod bnm tb» Crftitfa rag* II Or note unmovad his mention is th« CrHkfm mo*. I PvMh His onrw hi th« pabllc «y^ , And Mothw Qntmt/a rug* dmtyl

The Plug's pearls: Perspiration. • • . • The children of experience: Second thoughts. ' • • • Are ladlea of elevated rank called high-toned because they ore such loud talkers? ■ • ■ • ' • • "What did you got?" asked "Crltlo" of a pal who went pig-hunting during the holidays. "I got back," he replied Bontentlously. • o * The Madras "Commonweal" says: Magic -lan tern slides on "Man Visible and Invisible" wore shown. •"Showing" the "Invisible," even on a "maglo"-lantern slide, must hayo been something of a feat. • • • The London "Daily Chronicle" says: Miss Marie Lloyd Is slightly better. Let's be thankful for fmuiH mercies. The laat time "Critic" hoard her, he ' thought hor considerably worse. I • • y - • ! The "North of Auckland Times" ! asks: . ■* ■ V Can Zealand keep' up this monthly drttln? f*' ■"■~~ s .. i Well, from what "Cfltle" known vii "Zealand," Jt nan bc^n keeping up drain* and dykcu for so surely it can keop up a imall monthly affair.

Shaken before taken: A house swallowed by an earthquake. •• « • LJko some salads, the dressing la the best part of some girls. • • • "Critic," having learned by experience, has no objection to a woman reigning m her own home, provided she does not storm too much m addition. • • • Speaking m the London Court the other day Judge Cluer is reported by the "Daily Chronicle" to have said: That Is what I have done all my life — bought goods as perfect, only to find on getting home that they / . .wero imperfect. Then it Is Cluer that he was no Judge. » • • An advertiser m the "Wanganul Chronicle" has discovered tho source of perpetual light. He- wants to sell a houso. and, amongst tho various advantages, says: It is built on a corner where the setting sun provides light till the * last m onion t. Well, «o does the nun that sots behind "Critic's" Kcullcry. But If the Maori-, Jvhlnohwider means a sun thnt wilt shino through. oil. the a#e« of eternity, that Khould considerably reduce the Kas bill and keep things bright until, to slightly amend Campbell: "Tho sunn eye has a aloUiy glare, tho earth with ag« U wan,"

. A lady writer In one of our contemporaries says that: -Men,, you know, like to pick ladies to pieces. "Critic" confesses that he learned very early that it was - a most pleasant thing 1 to take them apart. • - :'-. • ■ • ' * ■ * An American paper speaks of a botanical .discovery. It says that a man has discovered a beer plant. Pooh ! That's nothing 1 . The Masterton droppers have any amount of these and have cultivated them fdK moro than they are worth. In fact, "Critic" knows any quantity of people who have been growing stout for years. ■ , ' ', • . ■-'•-,■ •' . :•■■' ■ ■ Nobody has ever accused, the Germ Hun of facetiousness, nevertheless he has betrayed a weakness that ' way of late. In the latest issue of the "Almanach de Gotha," which is the "Who's Who" of the Teutonic bon ton, it is I stated that: The colonies of the Empire are j at present being , provisionally ad- j ministered by Great Britain and j France. / j For which kindly interest -on their be- j half it Is to be hoped the apostles of i "Kultur" will be duly grateful and thankfully foot the bill for same when it is presented. f ■ . ' ■ • ♦ ' ■ • ■ The 'Murkan Socialist paper, the "Appeal to Reason!*' tells us something about Gorzone that is entertaining, it „it isn't true: *. New Zealand is the wealthiest country on earth, according to population. The radical Labor laws there don't seem to be injuring its prosperity any, the scapltalists to the contrary notwlthstand- - ..- irig.-- •/"*■■'■'./ "'•/' ' ■""■■■ Yes. New, Zealand"" la a prosperous country, so prosperous that we can afford to pay ten pence for a four- pound loaf, which Is exactly double what we were able to pay for that same proportion of the staff of life some four or five years ago. * . • .-, • ■= : ■ • The "Grey River Argus" gives news of certain raedlcoes. It says that: Dr. Hallwrlght, formerly medical superintendent at the Westport Hospital, and who saw Boris; vice on the Western front, to now ' : practising his profession m Auckland. . Well, to use the expressions so common m Gorzone. " 'c's Hallwright." I Further on it tella us that: - s Dr.' Doctor, who has been relieving Dr. Teichelmann at West- I land Hospital, Intends to go on service with the New Zealand Medical Corps. > So Doctor Doctor, who has been doing i the doctoring of the other doctor, is j going to the front to doctor among the other doctors. *. • * "Critic" may have been somewhat remiss m his reading of the ooze-pap- j era but he does not ocem to have noted what was done about the Nobel Peace*! prize during 1910. Some time ago the "Danzlger Nachrlchter," a Germ-Hun rag, reported that thoro were'! three candidates for the prize, namely,' Prcsldent Wilson, King Tlno, arid; Switzerland. Tho "Nachricbter" said that: ! The choncea of Kin* Constantino of being finally selected were at i one time particularly bright, but » i they have declined m consequence of recent events, which may lead to a situation diametrically opposed to peace. The audacity of thia canard was equalled only, by its irony, and the | secretary of &c Nobel Committee immediately denounced It as a "pure Invention." The phraso is scarcely a happy one. Not much purity "wropt" up In prurry lies like the above. • ■ . • • Britons hive travolled all the world over and haye settled In ..every, place under the sun. But It has been, said by envious nations that "Wonder whore ho will the Briton nover eets away from London.** This is a qjjtct tilt at the habit our people have of -'calling tho towns and cities they found m the new countries after towns m the British Isles. Wo have London* and Glasgows m Canada and In U.S. A. and Llverpools In Nova Scotia and New South Wales. Thero are several Manchestera and Blrmlnghama In North America, and a Newcastle In every country In which tho English language la spoken. Now Zealand has quite a long ltot of places bearing 1 the some names as towns In the Old Dart. The town of Devizes used to boost of her single, blessedness In this' respect nnd one of the rhymmlng fraternity colnbrated this peculiar distinction thus: DevUes alone In the world has no double— York«, Londons, and Parls'es, New and old, may be found thick as Smiths, Brawns, and Harrises./ I3ut all the world over— at least co I'm told— one Dovix&a there Is, and that m tho old one. ' Ichabod! The "Noo Tawk Tribune" tella u» that a town m Kannas, U.S.A., has enrolled the nnclenl name under \ tho «utr-*pani;lttd banner, and has sent fraternal greeting* to t&« original < tieroMt th« benUQjf-pon4. j

An article ia the "Ladies' Pago" of .a weekly contemporary s headed: Wrinkles Foi^ Thrifty Mothers. What with the war- prices being charged for every article of family use, "thrifty mothers" will have little difficulty m collecting plenty of "wrinkles." ■••..■■■'• v -.- An advertiser m the "Taranakl Daily News" puts it this way: The best present for a soldier or any man Is a fbunuun pen. He evidently believes that. "for- the soldier and tho manY (others not included) "the fountain pen is smitler than the sword." ; From a "Science Jottings" column wo learn that: , . . / ' There ore said to be over 3,000.000 deities' In 'the 'Hindoo mythology. - '* "Critic" always thought the catechism he learned at the two-up—er— -Sunday school, was complicated enough; but what would a Sunday school v scholar have to put-up with if he had to learn the Hindo mine dlmitus? No doubt the nigger, m his science jottings column, .will say, "The poor European has only three deities m his mythology." : ■ • . •-■-..-•••.■.,. "These cur Germuns must be a feelin' th' pinch ov povurty, Elol," said MrsSX>ubclay to her matrimonial oducatory "But I doan't suppowse they'll mind it 'arf t as much as ciwiloised pep.ul would— theur so callus." "Whoi doan't 'c xeaiid philosophy mower an' then thee'd knos," said Eloi. <<l Asn't the© 'eaurd the awd problemb, /He'on th' poor giant that we treads upon feels a bang as greaut as when a beadle doles?' . Thee reauds the. wrong of stuff or else theo'd knba more about these axeloms what tells thee more m ten wurds than thee could sdy T won." .--,'> • , • ' • Some fanatically religious sect advertises the following m the "Evening Post": Are the Germans not interces-sors?—-(I. Kings xviil., 27.) Well, does not seem to romember their Interceding on behalf of the nuns of Belgium. Still, the advertising body may have hod inside knowledge which has been withheld from "Critic," who. on looking up one of his numerous Bibles, found that Elijah had commanded them to cry out: .... Either he is talking, or he is pursuing, or he is m a journey, or perad venture he sleopeth, and must be awaked. Now, does this refer to the kulturect Kaiser? If so, the authors of the quotation ore bringing themsolves In very close proximity to the War Regulations. f * • • .Isn't it about time the oensor was paying less attention to supposedly tainted prints and focusing his expert attention upon some of the ' patriotic day lies? . For days arid days these laßt have been assuring us that tho neutral countries looked upon Germany as the aggressor and responsible for the war. • When the peace kite was flown wo were treated to multitudinous excerpts from the neutral press which wont to siiow that Germany was m a cul de Bac and know, it. Later, further extracts assured us of Its neutral countries approval of the Allies reply to Germany, and then the "Now Zealand Times" cable-babbler serves us up this: Neutral newspapers say that i Germany must now- answer with the sword. ' Are we now to understand that neutral countries think Germany m tho right, and is the foregoing to bo taken as a proof of their neutrality? • • • The Calcutta "Englishman," seems to find it as hard to size up the general attitudo of neutral countries toward the war, as it does to' give a fair, unbiassed and sane Judgment m connection with Indian affairs, Ita utterance© and deliverances anenr which make it the butt of every ono who really understands the Indian national movement. On receiving the first cabled news of the result of tho U.S.A. Presidential election, which stated that Hughes had been elected, this rag's leader sklter, with an impetuosity born of bigotry dashed off tho following lgnornnt indiscretion: Tho decision will be applauded by the civilisod world and welcomed by every American who values tho honor of his country. .... Tho Wihton Administration failed to strike the Imagination of tho American pooplo, It was destined latter oivto become to every honest American a burden of ahama, and to tho world at largo a target ot scorn, "Critic" calculate© that tho final und definite result showing that tho 'Murknn poo pi o had re-triected Wilson for fl tiecond term, though it didn't striko the Calcutta ••KnKllshmon'B" '•Imastlnntlon'* nevcrthelotKt succeeded In knocking ! him out of time. That first Yonkoo cable was a scurvy trick (almost oa, scurvy aa tho Calcutta pronsman's notorious cable to the London "Times" | concerning 1 Kclr Handle's all«s>d utter- | nncos m India) and rendered tho Calcutta. "£nflishman's M purple ptAoh as ; m m«ro wotry wast* o£ wordji.

The "Berliner Tageblatt" informs its'""* readers, who hunger for news and (fCher things, that: / Herr Batocki, the controller lot "- the food^upplies, Is about to resign. ' ' Probably Batocki finds he Herr-ed' Tri : . thinking that a sandwich, mado by clapping an old meat ticket between j two bread tickets, would (prove nour- I ishliig. t . ' '•- ...■•'■. ■'. • Prom the "Polynesian Gazette" w.e ' learn- that there is to be a great sports meeting m the land of balmy breezes and palmy treeses and the committee meeting made the following minute m its book: > . ■ In "reference to entries from S. ' S. Matalewa (officer of constabu--1 lary) the secretary instructed to *■ write and inform him that he would be unable to vepmpote m the 75 yards, 100 yards, arid iOO yard's' huddle races, as native athletes were barred from competing m those events. Perhaps Leyuka Is afraid that it will not be able to overrun the constable,; or, is it that the salt of the earth does not like being "huddled" up with its v necessary nigger? : '• - • • ' ■' Billjlm had got the milking over and after tea ho tidivated himself up and went down to the corner of the bush to meet the dear little daughter of his father's neighbor. He stood with his . arm around her waist for a long while, and then he managed to stammer out, ; "I love you. Mary Annie, oh, so much!" "Ditto," said Mary Annie, "t don't think ' ithere's another to equal you. Mary ]■ Annie." "Ditto," said Mary Annie. "1 [ can't find words to tell you what I ; think of you, Mary Annie." "Ditto," [', said Mary. Annie. Then BHUIm drew*"* ' himself away. On the road home he,* [ met -Mary Annie's father returning?^ from tho prayer meeting. "Look a here, ■•'■■[ deacon, can you tell mo the meaning of 'ditto'?" "It's like this, Bliljim. S' posing Fm sending some pork down, to the butchers, I'd put it down this way: To one pig's head, one shilling; L , to four ditto feet, four pence." "Stop/* said BiUJlm. "does that there 'ditto* moan "pigT* "Sure," replied the doa- ■ con. "Well," said Billjlm, loosening his belt, "prepare to take a hiding, for_ that daughter o' yours, she called mo, a pig three times and I can't strike a , woman." • • • James Milne is the author of "Tho Epistles of Atkins" and soveral other successful works. Ho Is editor of th<B , "Book Monthly," and also literary odjtor of tho London "Dally Chronicle.?' r fl Yes, despite the ability that has gained" him so much preferment, "Jamie" gets seriously bofoggod at times, as "Critic" haa shown on more than one occasion previously. He tripped rather seriously tho other 'day when referring to Pat MacQlH's new book, "Soldier -,£ Songs." Milne said: Mr. FatrickfTHTaeGlll, who began war authorship with "Tho Groat Push," and has continued m that • vigorous vein. "The Great Push" was not the navvy pqot's first war book. Indeed, it Is his last, for "Soldier Songs" cannot bo termed new. The great bulk of tho , contents of the latter have already ap- * peared m one or other of his three books on soldiering and the war. The llrst of those, "Tho Amatonr Army." treated'.^ of his experience as a recruit from.; listing m the London Irish until leaving for the front Tho n«xt, mid his : first real war book, wus "Tho Red Horizon," not "Tho Great Push," as It Is also hla best, "Tho Great Push," Ilko "The Amatour. Army," seems to "Critic" considerably forced, os If the author had not enough material to complete his book aa planned, the result being labored passages, chapter* ' drawn out too thin, and memory taking <i the placo of fanoy, with the result that ! Incidents related by other writers yeara i\ ago, are rehearsed m both these book* as occurring under the very noao, of Pat MacQtll. If Pat, or any of his uncritical admirers want proof of this let them 'read Dlatchford's soldiers books, "Tommy Atkins" and "A Son ot tho Forge," both written before Pftt Wfll weaned. • • • cold cHARrrr. My pension should bo such as not to , roQulro augmentation from the funds of any Patriotic Society. I havo done my "bit" — jrlyon my right arm — lot tho Government do its bit by irrnntlnjr mo a pension on which I can llvo without | tho aid of charity. Charity, however I kindly jrlven, la still charity, and char- ;■ jtty Is cold comfort. — Wounded soldier's] ! letter to tho presa. JHow noiselessly the snow doth crown j Our mountain tops m whlflo;' •We to*\ it contly falling down, It soothes our woary slgrht; i But, though It flutters round our oars, jit's movements ho ono over bcuuv. 1 / ' Sweot charity sa gently folia / j On weary hearts In pain: / / Aloud Its glfu It nover calls,' / ; They sco and f earths gain. /'-', Yet, bo Its virtues manifold, / , Uko enow, »laa, 'tin ob, so coM. • . i ' - - ', > > t«t statejunan then, who rale our land, ; While yot they're ib the way, flUwwd thorn with no nl*ra.rd hand I Who kept tho foo at bay. Th*y did their "bit." Let their rowar* |B« fm from brand by 041 abhorred.