The Critic

NZ Truth, Issue 580, 29 July 1916, Page 1

The Critic

Wb* *mm «u»dauat*«l br*v« ***• CrHipfc r***, t Or note uwnovad bts mamttoa m Urn Critic's pf, Pcrad* his f+or m the pufaJio eye, And M«*W Qrundy'* r»g« defy?

"Good fellows" have such bad habits. • • • A follow feeling- makea us wondrous blind. • • • A large cooking stove: A mountain range. o • • It is no disgrace to bo poor, but if a dasbed awkward at times. • • • Martyrdom: The way In which man without ability become famous. • • • The bloke to blame: The covo who issued the license to the dogs of war. • • • The British Jack Tars gave the Hun navy beans and now it's compose J , of a lot of has-beans! # • • 4 Two clergyman have been fined for exceeding the speed limit m their buzz waggons. Probably they were irying to keep up with the pace the devil sots tjhoM days. • • ■ •' Speaking of electric signs, "Critic's" pal mentioned that the multi-colored (lashing arrangement outside one of the newest Chrlstchurch picture shows reminded him of the illuminated Jimjams. • • •. A soldier, In a letter to the London "Spectator," says: But the compensations nre veryreal; especially In this war of wars In which the duty to go is so clear. It Is far better never to return thnn never to have been. Evidently ho bollaves that " 'Tin better to have fought and died than never i to have- fought tit all." No doubt the I compensations are very rt*al ty Kulttero ! and ammunition combine?*. j • • • j A wrH-Known Wench actor had an { argument with an oilloer of a Scots I regiment In a i*aH« caf« the other day, j tut to whether the French eoldior or j the kilt to was iho b<?iu«r lighter. At lam tho Frenchman, completely losing his temper, threw his card on the table and stalked out with a tragic air. Tho Beot contemplated the card for a moment, and then taking out h)» fountain pon ho wrote acroan it the wordu: "Admit Bearer." nnd went off to tho theatre, thus saving at once his skin ; and his N *lU»r!"

He who can dare all things can bear all things.. • • • The longest period of time — Prom pay-day to pay-day. It is to the credit of humanity that all men are not as bad aa they might be, • • • The capitalist is the most successful of dairymen. He can skim "cream" off watered stpek. • • • War Loans: A Square Deal device to enable banks, investing institutions and other "F*f friends to escape payIng their fair share of the Income tax. • • «• ' The scrub editor on the "North Auckland Times" heads a cable referring to the recent success on the French front: Guns and War Material Buried. Of course, "guns" are not "war material." The combatants merely carry them about for show purposes! • • • The "Milwaukee Leader" pug penpusher says: » Georges Carpentler, tho Pronch heavyweight, who is now n military aviator, wishes for the war to end so he can meet Jess WU- ' lard. Wot a 'orrlble wish! • • • Tho Hobart "Dally Post" informs us that: N As a novelist, Charles Garvice l» tho laughing stock of the lliernry world. P'r'apa. Hut, like that other Charlie, who m tho laughing stock of tho "movie" world. Garvleo finds that it pay*, uud. a« the old adage «ay«, "Ho who laughs last laughs longest."

• ♦ • In rt'f«?rring to ft "Dlekenulttna" sale which look place In New York recently. tho London "Times" Maya thai tho Hem entitled '•Sister Roue In Seven Chapter*." evidently l«: A now titta for something that originally appeared under some other name. Thus the poor "Old Thunderer" prove* tho "Blunderer,** once more. "Slstor Rose" was written by Wllki* Collins.

The politician never allows opportunity to pass behind him. • • > • Why is the champion* pigeon -shot a bad vaudeville artist? — Became he nearly always gets the bird. • • • He "who hath plenty cake Can preach content; For a caup and cogie full can make A man most eloquent. • • • Hon. J. T. Paul, M.L.C., has been urging the **need"-cesslty for an Increase m the screw of the "Lords." Parliamentarians are always there when It comes to a "pinch." • •■■■•' Under the one-word heading, "Political," the Temuka Leader" gives news concerning several Temuka boys now serving "somewhere m France." The "Temuka Leader's" idea of "politics* must be rather militant! © • • "CasseU's Saturday Journal." patting Tommy Atkins on the back, says: He is a man with a grip of steel, an iron nerve, but a heart of gold. And now he is on his mettle m Flanders making "scrap" of the GermHuna. • • « One day last week the Wellington "Morning Mist" cable-cobbler headed a cablecram thus: Heavy Cannonade In The Dlrec- j tlon Of The It would never do to let the Bosches know where they had been hit •' • • The . swagger of the Germ- Hun swashbuckler is nothing to that of the London "Dally Sketoh" scribe. List: It was quite a disappointment when there was no raid announced yesterday morning. "Critic" fancies it would take a lot of that kind of disappointment to kill a rqitn, • • • The Perth "Western Mail" says: Prominent among those who farowelled the Hon. W. M. Hughes on leaving England, was Sir Andrew Fisher. "Sir" Andrew? Have our cable-cob-blers been caught napping, or is the Western "Mall" a bit too previous? • • • It's wonderful how matters can be mangled In a linotype. The Christchurch "Star" disgorges the following tit-bit: , A watch-stopping competition held In The Mayor has received the following contributions to the Coal and Blanket Fund: — ''Critic's" wondering what Mayor Holland Is going to do about It. and how he has managed to pass the tune away. • • i» In the London* "Tatler" a war scribe say s: Wo are all certain something must happen somewhere, some time, somehow. .What transparent tranalucehcy, perspicuous perspicuity and unobscured clearness. True, oh sapient scribe, and likewise nothing will never happen nowhere, no time, nohow! • • « In reporting a sly-grog case the other day the "New Zealand Times" said of a witness that In the witness-bog he gave bis age as twenty-seven. Then the scribe says that he followed thlß up with a "startling assertion." The "startling assertion" was so startling that it ahowod clearly that the "witness-bog" was so very deep and very dangerous that the witness had lost his bearings. It's a "bog" all right as anyone knows who's been there! • • • There are no drunks lugged to chokeo by interfering "John Hops" m Master-ton these times. To admit such a calamity would be a reflection on the fair fame of Dropp«rvUle. And so when a certain untoward event occurs, the local rags record It thus: An inebriate was accommodated In the Masterton police cells last night What the slops, the inebriate and the scribe are sllunt upon Is where be was first "accommodated" last night? • • • One of the latest boxing importations from the land or fried nigger is a gentleman rejoicing m tho unlquo name of Art Magirl. Tho bum-bank-era did not send a Honjr with him, so "CrJtle" KuppUea tho rag- time chorus: I like thy loft, so slick and deft; I like thy lead nnd duck, Thou urt my honey of StouHhemntifT, Of the solar plox. and tho bang and bur. Goo, but I'm m luck! ' Thy rupld right, contains "Good night" For pug* with arm* a-whlrl. When you put it on the point That's the ond of that poor joint, In fact thou Art, thou Art Magirl. • a • The "Grey KUftr Argus" continue* to exhibit symptom* which show that the foiti-R«U FeUlftni. with which It waa badly bitten during iho troublous time* on the V'mi Conat. mill "aem Ilka madnt'tm on tho bruin.' 1 In a flamboyant leader tho other day on the Federation of labor's oppualllon to Cotjueripilon it s«U: Tht»ro J» Htu-h n thing n* mnnal law, and thu penal ten imposed by It are extremely drujjtie.

Such ft thing aa "rnariar law, t* tboro? Ji lit Ju»t n« jwoll ibe "Argti«" h&n rovcolcd ihe »ocr*t, etue tho R«d F«d<l(*m might have tinned In Ignorance. And am the "pcnaltw." what«>vt.r they art*, ttre "fxiremely draßtk." "CHtJc" tako* v ihttt, vhtl* tho law I* •"morl*^" the "ptwUten" <tr« "morui"

The censor and Justice have this m common — both are blind. • •. • Talking of the censor, the Vienna "Arbeiter Zeltung" says: Ceterum censeo, censuram esse delendam. "Critic" doesnt' know wliat la the, world It is all about, but he guesses that the emphasis is on the closing syllable. •*• . ■ ■ A contemporary remarks that many of the cables that come via Holland are canards. Well, what can we expect. Isn't Holland described m the school books as M a low lying country?" • • - • A writer m the Noo Yawk "Call," named A. Trooman, says that: Socialism can best be hastened by "Truth." A lot *f people nearer hand are of opinion that that's A. Trooman! , •, / • • The cable/cobbler on tho -anrlon "Daily News" [a an altogether incunsideraU cove. He says: , It is reported that a ) Russian aviator dropped 1600 feet and died. Now, wotlnel else could he have done under the circumstances? ■ • • • Truly, tho world is going/ to the demnation bow-wows. The nations prefer the gory here to the glory hereafter. And there's an "I" of a difference, for instead of raising churches for canons, the cannons are rasing the churches, the mitre becomes nitre, while Saint Peter gives place to saltpetre. And everybody wishes it would "peter out." v Sclentiata have not yet decided what it is that holds the moon In if> place,— ••Science SUtlnga," What holds the moon m its p axe, do you ask? To answer that is no difficult task; ' Let scientists say what they may, it seems ' To plain folk like me, she's uphold by her "beams 1" • • • It used to bo said: "Go on the land, young man. It is tho healthiest of callings." Things have changed somewhat since the war broke out The "Eltham Argus'* reporta that: Of eight men who recently enlisted from the Moutoa district, six were farmers, all of whom were rejected as medically unfit. Farming," it seems, must m future be enterod as among tho unhealthy occupations, • •■,•"■ In IJI2, if "Critic" remombers aright, our good friend Edward Tregear said: In my opinion o straight-out Labor Government will be m power m tho Dominion m less than throe years. The three years are over, and a fourth well on kB way and the time is not yet If it had not beon**for the war Edward might have proved a true prophet, but then had he been a true prophet he would have foreseen the wart •; • • The following par has been going the round of tho Plute press: Mr. Carnegie, who recently celebrated his 80th birthday, has glvon away m public and private benefactions £86.000,000— -£1,000,000 for each year of bis life. And some people say that no good comes from hnrnoasing up Poles nnd Hungarians to Homestead ore trucks. lust because (as the magnanimous millionaire said) "they were cheaper than donkeys." • • • During the debate on tho Finance Bill. Sir Joseph Ward was called upon to defend tho inclusion of a specific clause; then to defend its withdrawal, and afterwards to defend its reinsertion, "Junlus" said: The Indiscriminate defence of right and wrong contracts the understanding while it corrupt* the bo&rt It would be well for Sir Joseph, and a few other politicians, to remember these words m time. • * • Th© "North Auckland Times" contains thirty adverts, of tho kind which worg man off the face of tho earth on pain of prosecution at law. "Critic" wonders if there is not more room to walk about m Tul-streot, Wellington, or some of the London slums thnn there appears to be around Dargavllle. And yet wo are told In one breath that tho imported gamo were for the goncral jrood. while thirty adverta. In one l»»ue of the "GumOeld Times" tell* ut that we will be shot if found "with or without dog or gun" on tho tramo preserves of tho gumAolds of tho DargavlUo district. Verily, we get more like Hlngland ovory day. • • • Mrs. Hetty Green, America's richest biusinefl* woina.it, who ''paused beyond" tho other day, u«od to attrlbmo her marvellous stamina to her fondnoan for onions. For over forty yearn nho tolled tuird m Wnii-ntrcor, and during that time ncvor nuffered a dny'a Ulrica*. A delegation of pre«mn«n who wont to inlorvlew Mr*. Urwm on her 7Sth birthday found her uhewlng an onion when they arrivod, "You may smile," gho, «a id, "but tl>o hoalthy color la my <-h«H-kfl m duo to otuhiff onions. They (trf? tho flntyti thingn In tho world for too health, ond I am never without one Handy." Robert LouU Stevenson, ab»o, wan fond of onions. Ho paid it & poetic tribute m norn« v«r»e«, entitled "To a Gardener":

lah first tha onion flourtnh there, Ho*o amonir root*, ih& maiden "talr, \vino-«eeni<xl and poetic «oul Of the capacious eaOad bowL

A scribe m "McCluro's Magazine* m a statistical stunt tells us that: It .costs the United States haU a billion dollars a year to feed the common ordinary rat But he fails to figure out what It costs the 'Murkan workers to reed uncommonly rich rodents who have* appropriated the Yewnited states, body, soul and breeches I •■ • * ' Speaking of the "Herald," the onetime London Labor daily, now published as a weekly, the 1916 "Labor Year Book" sayst The ''Herald" has been notable as the vehicle by which Mr. Will Dyson has won for himself a foremost place m the ranks of British cartoonists. No doubt Will feels exceedingly grateful to the ♦•Herald" for the 'Wit gave fclm on tho way to fame. But If Dyson hadn't been a famous cartoon. Ist before the "Herald" started publication, its notableness as a vehicle would have been discounted considerably. ■• • • Mr. Pugsgush asks "Critic" If he can paraphrase that text. Matthew t verse 1, "Judge not that ye bo not Judged. Certainly, but it just depends upon the person to whom it la to be applied. For John Payne, "Budge not that yo bo not budged;- for the char-acter-slanderer, "Smudge not that ye b J> not smudged;" for tho mean mau: \3rudgo not that yo be not grudged;" S£ tho cdlt °r Q* the misleading daily: "Fudge not that ye bo not fudged" for the fellow sitting next to the strange girl m tho picture show: "Nudge not that ye be not nudged (on the napper);" for the man with a mind of filth: "Slndge not that ye be not sludged:" for the mean mistress with the over-worked slavey: drudge not that yo be not drudged'" for a certain class pf male Individual: "Bludge not —;* but why go onsurely that's enough? • • • The cow-skelplng industry seems to invade all walks of life. Here are two advertisements from the- Taranaki Daily News:"

Wanted, a companion-help; one that would assist to milk pro- • f erred; machines used. This is from the superior kind of cow-skolpers. Below it comes the ono from the ordinary, common teattosser;

Good milker (woman) wants employment In tho near* future, and if the war continues, one may expect to see tho "Taranaki TeatvilJe Times" advertising for a companion lady-skolp or yelp, with a request that nor teattugging abilities be sot out m th« application. Verily, tho day of Urn companion with musical , abilities and "manners so as th' gals'U bo brort up like ladies," seems to, be as dead as the dodo. • • • The Yankee publisher and pressman have been evor the veriest of plrutos. The following paragraph has gone the round of the Australasian Labor press:

We go to work to got the money to buy the food to kcop us fit to go to work to got the mouoy to buy the food to keep us fit to go to work, etc., etc., and so around the ruddy ring o' roses. In each the excrpt has beon attributed to an American Industrial publication called "Solidarity." As a matter of fact tho quotation is from a poora entitlod "Bagstor, French Poiishor, Descants," by W. A. Mackonxio, autlior of "Row! on House Rhymes," "Rosemary," "Flower o' the Peach." otc. The author, although a Scot, could imitate the Cockney like ono of tho best The following Is the part of the poem from •which tho Quotation is taken: You ever ast yerse'f w*y moa' men wu'ks? Well, somo wu'ks fer the slko o* love— a gel You'vo got yor eye on, or 'or eye's on you; Mebbo a muwer; or a. wife an' kids. That sots liko fleas m Molbro' 'Ouse— 'lgti- priced. Some— moa'ly Scots an 1 Yo'kahlromen, as full O' meanness an a ditch onary — wu'k To plug It m the benk. I knows 'etn— Btrlto— Cots blind, relijUß, tottln' cent p«r cent, Addln' their book o' Sundah arternoons— Beadin' tbo CoUeck (I'mui 1 'vv 0 mo lart.)

But mos' men wu'k to get enough to kAt, To 'aye th' utren'th to vtulc, to get enough To eat, to 'avo the atren'th to wu'k. to— Yum: So wo go rafcnd the radd/ ring o' row»M! An' won th© dawnco U owver, 'appy bo To 'aye enough to pleat yer blooralu' bowne*! A mug's cim«, wot? To wuTc to k*i enough To eat to 'aye the rtren'th to htj'Jc— Some tty It'i Flto! I »'pom Wb Ftte gtv«« tn« not 'krt / I noed to k«ep roy vtoaxy VUtlo w«t; An' Mm. the bliffhud, turkie-Xod, UKK«horiourt 'og, Me boiw, Ms Cliurr-chufr tin' 'la lOuuaj»ln« wloe, •J# fawncy womw on* M« rat red nocJit \Ait* lummy! FITJEI If» me «n' muffa like me Wot wu'ka fer 'Im, rweatln' no' «iv«mh • ed crool. Am Ondjj *1« steak, an' trie* Ma brn)tn. *»' p'y« . . The •aiwbowoe*' fulaea W«n ••*« itoked too 'ardl Yxuut, call It Fltol Aa' »o w« «^" bllnd Ht»— Aaotber ruddy rtaf o* «rw»e«.