The Critic

NZ Truth, Issue 579, 22 July 1916, Page 1

The Critic

4- j — ~ — — — — _— Who can undaunted brave the Critic's rage, Or ttoto unmoved his mention m the Critic's page, Parado his error m the public eye, And Mother Grundy'B rajje defy?

Mr. Henry Ford dares the 'Murkan Navy League, now sueing him for libel, to bring all its records into court. Not so very pacific after all! • • • "Too proud to fight President" Won'trow Wilson, says: The heart of America Is much itoo sound to bo invaded by militarism. Then why the present craze for preparedness m the land of the wooden nutmeg?* If militarism cannot invade 'Murka, why is Uncle Sam In such terror at the growing Btrongth of the littlo brown man? •• „ • The London "Evening Standard" reports; In mail bags examined by tho British blockade, hundreds of thousands of postal packets addressed to German agents m neutral countries, were found to contain contraband of many kinds. Undo Sam will see from this that, although John Bull pays no attention to his "notes," he'H making up for his neglect In that quarter by paying particulur attention to his "letters." • • • Our 'Murkan "exchanges" report two grievous accidents. Says the "Ohio Sew»:" Mm. ChriH Sehlegel met with a painful accident Monday while milking- Sho bent over on the wrong »ldo and put her arm out of place. Wo all know that didn't feel very good. Sure, it didn't, kid. Bui it w»w a alight affair compared with Mr, Hl». Mlmfofw misfortune. It wa» ttonu* accident. According 1 to the "itockhampton Express:" Mr. HUalnger broke hla right arm above tho elbow. He wait aliio lirulned severely about the city. Of course, tho breaking of the arm wasn't much, but tho brul««« "about tho city." they were severe! That* a mighty painful placet

"Hero's your chance," said tbo scribe to Mrs, "Critic." t'other night as he read an advert. In the Wtti'mpa "Dally Times" which announced: Twelve solid hours of bargains. "Sarcastic, as usual," she replied, m high disdain, "The hours may seem solid onough, no doubt, but it takca 'solid bargains' to fetch this child." • • • "Critic" culls the following advert. from the "Dairy World": Wanted—null calf. Must be packed m butter and swimming In milk. This, probably, is unother sample of the farmer's idea of war economy — muking one packet do to carry three commodities. • • • A well-informed scribe on the "North Canterbury Guardian." place* It on rocord that: Out of every three persons struck by lightning* two recover. Urn! A sort of "two to one, bar none" huttine.**. "Critic" would not care to ba the "tortium <juid" In lhat case. Also, would It be correct to »ay ot tbo«u who survive thut they "make lightning r«jeovcrJcM"? • • • The Man Accord "People's Journal." "which a* every "loon" fnu* liuchio an' thereabout. known is published m learned Aberdeen. »«y» that, m a leoture on philology, Profensor Alfred Extell said: Phonetic spelling In unnecessary In n language In which tho strength of l ho consonants depond-H upon the vowcht. You wiy the strength of consonant* Upon thu vowel* tlepondeih? But iipUe of your learned Jeers and taunts I the consonants defandeth. ' For. Professor, every man you »oe, ! An ihUt life you Journey through, air, ! Will prefer to handle your L.8.D,, To your A.IS, 1.0. U., tlrl

j Francis Bacon may not have written those sublime tragedies, comedies and poems labelled "Shakespeare's Works, 1 ' but he did write: No pleasure is comparable to standing upon the vantage ground of "Truth." ! • • • A chap named Porter got into trouble at Chrlstchurch last week for wearing George Rex's uniform whilst he was not entitled to do so. The sub-Inspec-tor inferred that drink &dging might have been the cause of the stunt. "Critic" supposes that If such was the case. Porter-gaff would be the offender's long suit • • • A "science jottings" In the South Island '♦Standard*' says: Soap was not made m England until 1524. Perhaps that is why a work of explanation says that "the term 'Great Unwashed' is ?an old English figure of speech and referred to those who hung about the rear of a court to hear and see the trial of a prisoner." In fact, it was "Fat" reference to the workingclass. •• - • Will Mr. Bulck, M.P., see that the "Manawatu Evening Standard" is put on the "Hansard" free list? It may then get to know just what constituencies members represent. The other day it referred to Mr. Glover, the humorous member for Southland Central. Mr. Glover is not the "member for Southland Central." There is no such constituency. And he is not the "humorous member," because "Albert Eddard," though often "merry" Is never "Witty." Some say he has but one speech, and so long as this Is true nobody will be able to accuse him of being speechless. • ' • • ■■ ■ • What a fog the average New Zealand scribe gets into when he beglnß to write about economics or finance! The "North Auckland Times" patted God's Own on the back after this fashion t'other day: Members of the House, whose opinions are entitled" to respect, are predicting that the Minister will be able to provide £4,000,000 or £5.---000,000 for the relief of the Mother Country during the current year. While at the same time we are borrowing some £16,000,000 from the Mother Country! Wonder what the scribe In question would say If "Critic" was to borrow from him the sum of £16, and after handing back £4 went and told the proprietor of the "Times" that he, "Critic," had lent his financial expert four "quid"? • • • Eden Phlllpotts tells us how he fills pots that are not, and clothes himself m clothes which are enpopped at Uncle's, In some patriotic verse m "Printer's Pie," he says: » England's your mother. . . Her vanished children throng the glorious way. Righto! "Critic" thinks this a very good idea after Trentham week. He will endeavor to fill his pockets with cash and his stomach with roast gooao per the same poetic method. My vanished inonoy, gone through i Trontham'a tote, j Still jingles m my pocket, and I gloat ! Upon the coin I put on "Dead" and [ "Stootn." I And on my "spouted" clothes at Uncle's round my room. I I quench my thirst with some longi consumed "spot," And pay with phantom fivera which aro not. • • • "Critic" noticed a par In the "Evening Post" the other night, In which it montions that The Rev. John Takle, from India, Is at present m Wellington In connection with tho work of the Now Zealand Baptist Missionary Society. He has labored nearly twenty years m Brahmanbarla and Chandpur, East Bengal. That's a thing which "Critic" never could understand. If a laborer tolls on tho wharf, or swings 40lba of meuU per medium of the "old banjo," ho hs sjild to be a wharf- worker, or "working a« a navvy." But when a gentleman In a very comfortable black suit, with his collar moored abaft his skull, receives v Htlptsnil for keeping »i« hands clean and the pinto full, ho Is «uJU to "labor." Pushing tho plate and whacking the word must bo atromiouh Jobu. Anyhow, tho Roy. John seemed able to Tu(c)kle It with tho vigor of a fat bishop laboring over a bottle of port and a fat gooao. and BtUl ho Uvea and "labors." • • • A Wellington "weakly" informs ita thimbleful of rendum that tho Olonhutnly P.LfcC. (Vie.) passed tho following resolution: That this branch of the P.1...C. , bus no lontftir any confidence In tho Prlnwt MiniHUT, Mtu Mutjluas, us v Ivflbor man. Tho lino-man woa evor an a-Mughcfl-Ing cu»a! There was once a Premier named Hughe*, Who the Tori«» At Home did amuKht)* While «* lluu*d fur Pluto; lSut hiw JhuinK trrew mule When no heard from Australia tho nuKlKjj*. ' "Uy ihv Dujjlk'*." j Cried he, "I'll tny critics contu»?h««!" ] In tt beat buck In? quickly <3UI cn>tfhi«. When he'u rwul all tho "WorfcurV | übufciios; j Ana. lftnuliitf onc^ more On Australia's fair nhoro. Said; "your grouping you'll find UtU« ughoti. ; You mom ehughea \ To 'lick.' or b* 'Ueksd' by, your I HucttM!"

Sergeant Davie , Jackson is ruling Lyttelton's morals with , an iron hand. Nevertheless, that should not be any reason for the Christchurch "Scar," m a six-inch court report, referring to him two or three times as "Sergt. aJckson." • • • The Omagh County clerk advertises m the "Mid-jUlster Mail" that ; All sheep imported into the county from other counties, are required to give to the sergeant of police In the district m which he resides within three days, his notice of Intention to dip. . In spite of its Inclination to Donnybrook at any old time, it is good to see that Ireland is Ireland still! • • • ' Boston is the most English of American cities, yet Bunker Hill, where the English were defeated, is m the heart of that city. The spot is marked by a | high monument. Recently a made-quick-rich Englishman, who, probably never heard of the battle m question, i was being trotted round that city by a 'Murkan friend and shown the sights. Tho Yank took him to the monument, | and instead of saying, 'This is where my forefathers licked your forefathers," m words, carefully chosen not to offend, ho simply remarked. "This is where Warren fell." The English John- i ny fixed his monocle, looked up at the monument and then back at his friend, remarking, "Bai Jovo! Killed him, eh?" • • • .; Thus the "New Zealand Times" cable ! column: "Tho Times" correspondent at Bucharest states that the Hungarian authorities aro hurriedly fortifying tho interior of Transylvania, with Russian prisoners, and withdrawing numbers of Austrian troops from Serbia 'and sending them to Gallcia. Well, the cables have told us a great deal about the enemy fighting from behind parapets of dead, but the supply must be running out now that they are using the living. Anyhow, if tho poor Rush is used m the present state and ts* transferred to Heaven his dead body may still be used as per previous cables. • • • A paper m its "Nowa and Notes" column says: Advertisements made their earl- '" lost appearance In 1652. Garni What about the poster mentioned m Daniel, chapter 5, verse 26, In which Belshazzar receives a mysteritfus communique intimating that He above had completed nn inventor}' of Bol'a kingdom, and, having found that the' aforesaid Bel. had Infringed the Wolghts and Measures Act, had or- | dered his kingdom to be commandeered and handed to the Modes and Persians? Here it is: . Mono, Mono, Tekel, Upharsln. What! In 1662? Why. Nolly Cromwoll had knocked oft booze and billiards at that timo and had started out as a, professional Socialist. Don's ad. had run through ten billion issues long beforo 1652. • • • Arnold Bennett, who with 801100, Blatchford and Bottomloy, make a quartette of busy bees that buzz for tho blood of tho Bocbes, says In his gravest and most convincing manner, m nn article contributed to the New Yawk "Times" that: James Connolly was a disciple of Jiui Larkin. Obviously, writing flimsy fiction doesn't qualify ono to become' a historian. James Connolly had earned hla spurs m the Labor movement before he crossed the "shougb** to found m Dublin the Irish Socialist Republican Brotherhood, which last he founded years j before Jim Larkin was first dragged into tho limelight by hanging on so long to certain union funds that the cose was tried m court and Jim lost. It was \tho successful agitation to quash his sentences that first brought Jim Larkin to tho forefront and gave him a standing aa organiser of tho Irish Transport Workers' Union. • • • Tho Roy. Donald MneSlllar was a Scotsman. Thoro are some envious I people who neaert that all the Scots aro ' MacSUlars, oxcept tbo fow who got it without "fashln' " to "mok* " it, and i these the Scots themselves call tho j Mac Nabs. Tho Roy, Donald, whether he did MacSlllar or not, made very-re-spectable verse. The following fair "swatch" la taken from his "Tale o' Rkye" publishod, It is said, first m Inverness, m the year 1880: Can Law be Law when based on wrong? Can Law bo Law when for the strong? Can L»w bo Law whon landlords Biuml Rack -renting mankind off the hind? By "Law" a landlord can becomo Tho shout of every Crofter's home; Hy "Law" their Hi tie cots can be Dark dena of tflrr and misery; Hy "J^iw" tho u\x upon their toll I» rtQuumteriHt on nn alien noil; Hy "Law" their daughter*, uona and wlvea, Are doomed to slavish drudfery's ' livt'it; f Uy "Law" evictions, dreadful crimen. Aro poanlule In Christian time*: Hy "Lnw" h uponUihrlfi Lord* Inttmtjt Aro mot by drawing higher r«mt«: ny "I*aw" fill food- producing gfon* Are changed, for de«r, to foriutt forw; This m Urn "Law" whereby the few At« flhk'tUwl m the wrongs they <i«* It the reverend gentlemnn continued to hold, and to preach, much. npinlonn an are expressed m tho &boy« coupkcj*, (hctn uo wits libelled outrage* ou»iy when lie was call«d Donald Macmuuti

A mild-mannered, one-lime editor of a new Zealand Labor paper was fond of writing about a "volcanic fulcrum!" This contradiction of terms has besn provided with its equal by a writer m the Kansas "City Star." which describes a certain person as , The finest specimen of petrified motion that I have ever had the l pleasure of witnessing. A fulcrum {hat was "volcanic" and a motion that was "petrified" would be worth going a long- way to see. • • • This erase for phrase faking laid hold of the musical scribe of the "Dominion" when criticising Alien Doone a week ago: ' Judging his voice just as a vote© it is not worth a handful of shucks, but as manipulated by its owner there are tones that are freckled with dessicated blarney and timbrous sympathy. "Freckled tones" of ''dessicated blarney" ought to provide "some" voice. But the scribe's own blarney will have to bo loss decorticated beforo his readers will take him seriously as a musical critic. When' public men absent themselves from public functions, thuy And It somewhat difficult to Invent some ne\f excuse, and gonorally fall bock on those old things that have dono duty so often before, such as "owing to illness m the family," "a cold m the head," "pressure of business," otc. The Rev. Canon Rawnsloy, however, has invented a new one, which has tho added merit of "being transparently true; Owing to absence, the Rev. Canon Bawnsley, was unable to attend. This "Crltlo" repeats on tho authority of the Manchester "City News." And this was tho ono barrier that the Canon could not blow out of his path. ••■•■. • •' Time was when our ancestors mad* slaves of all prisoners takon m war. Now, according to tho Manawatu "Standard," tho British and French are turning them Into cash. Operations during the day chiefly consisted of minor local enterprises, with a view to retaining tho ground gained. The total number of prisoners now exceeds £5000. Here, surely, is a new way to procur« the necessary wealth to win the war. The only difficulty is that, judging by the amount received for prisoners taken, so far, the Germ-Huns are such a poor lot that by tho timo the Allies caught sufficient to finance tho lighting, there would bo none left to fight! • • • The "Wai'rapa Rago" is most facetious when writing on something it knows little or nothing about. Referring to tho presence m Now Zealand of Miss Adala Fankhurst, it cxndM tho following: Possibly, however, it would bo better if both Miss Pankhurst and her mother wore In Now Zealand, whero they can do no particular amount of harm, than that thay should bo agitating m the great cities of tho Motherland at a time * like tho present After nearly two years of war, the wLso WaTrapa pen- pusher doesn't seem to know that Mrs. Pankhurst and her daughter Adela aro as tho poles apart m their opinions on tho present upheaval. While Adela Pankhurst is opposed to war, her mother has been heart and soul In the recruiting movement for many months. c • • The "idlotorial" Bklter on the Manawatu evening rag. la groat when be starts to dilate upon economics and lan U values. What you don't know* h«'« always willing and ready to teach ' you. Here's bis latest chunk of wt»---i dom on land valuos; The State for its own purposes, and to wring as much taxation as possible out of tho land, has adopted a system of land valuation against which wo have again and again protested, because of iU tendency to boom up values to excessive llmlto. Oet that? Alrl', but what you don't* nnd are not Hkoly to. got, at least from the "Standard" *orlbe, is tho reason why the land owners refuse to sell at those "excessive limits" and always demand more whether tho prospective purchaser be tho State, or a poor "cockle." who will have to "toll night and day" to mool tho Internet on the mortgage made all too heavy owing to the "excessive limits" exceeding value charged by the former owner of the land? • • • BAGCUNQ THE BAQA. Recent cables toll us that the Solomon Inlanders are on tho war path nnd have gone to Hagn on n headhunting expedition. Tha white Inhabits nU are alarmed iuwl have ormod Uu«ro»olv««, waiting nlortly for any development*. It has been tho nnciont cuKiom of tho Solomon l&liuutoni, when on tho war-path, to go 10 the Inland of Ha Kit hunting for hoadii. If the whllo mini want* a battle or a lltllu scrap or «v, Ho'll Hoon And «omo little pretext and he'll have a little "go;" But tho 4irty Inland nigger. With a simple little trigger, Gaily Jnunu* away to Butfa Just to btvtf a hay or beau, Hd ill«c«rU» tho Mlttnion Bible and he riturts n Mtmill battue. Wherd wo tolly headw by thousand*, be can bag but nine «>r tvii; Two or thrv>« old nntMotiH ladle* and it ivvt fnt fighting mon. With no itword. or bomb, or gun. li« become* a nigtfer Hum. For his father u*<h) tv tell him (ana he took hi* words nn ixuo). "If you want to bus « Hujta fo sjm bag a bat or tiro,"