The Critic

NZ Truth, Issue 578, 15 July 1916, Page 1

The Critic

I Who can undaunted brave tho Critic's rage, V. I Or not* unmoved hia mention In the CHtlo'a p«fl«» I Parade, hia arror In the public eye, 1/ And Mother Grundy*« rage defy? ' UL^y

Only the Insane never lose their wits. ;■.•"•. • • Base coin is not the foundation of finance. \• * * Barney saya ma Irish bnll Is a bit of lock's metaphor. Thaifs Pali •«"•■• • Many women dont care muoh whether a thins is right, 00 long as it la oorrect. • • • When the performing horse shakes hia toad Crom side to side by way of giving a negative reply, la It correct to say that tt ftvea a nelghleas nay? •• . • An Australian paper, speaking of a pubUo scourger who had filled a long term of eervlce by flogging his Majesty's prisoners, rotors to him as *Tmonarch of the lash." RubbUhl He'll merely a. Prlno© of Walla. • ' • •■'■•■-• Referring to the Army and Navy boxing championships, the London "Morning Post" tella ua: The men's middles were full of good things. But not till after the bouts, surely! • . • * A blghly-eensatlonal cinema, poster roads: • IlealisUo drama, featuring big ! game hunting. 6000 feet—Between 1 man and boast Hardly sufficiently realistic to compoto i with the war flluw. ; • • ♦ Prince Joachim, tho > lGUser'a IVf th Bon, who wan slightly wound«d during tho early part of the War, la a member of tho (German) Flying Corps In Flanders. Well, of course. his flying couran ! will come m handy 10 him later on and < save him from becoming a "whole ' ■ corpse »n*U&d of being merely a unit 1 of v corps. ! • ■ . • • . ♦ I The London "Book Monthly" (wblch deMplte iU name U Issued quarterly), ■ «ay»: ■ ; Duckworth Is about to publish a n«w novel under the title of "Backwater." ■ ■ *. I Any Duckworth lU.feAthera ought to 1 b« able to give tm tht latent Upa on how i U -TJackwrnUr.**

Somebody advertises m. the "Walra'pa Newa" for "a good girt" , Sinco whon have "good" girls become so scarce In the Waira'p*? Is thia another evidence of "wsjr economy"? • ■ : ■• '• •_• A cable from tha land of the wooden nut-meg and neutrality says: Great Britain has ordered 3,000,---000 rifles, deliverable a million a year In 1917 and tha two following years. And they teU a* thia wax la a fight to finish militarism. af**" • • tJwfc< # -A sight divine It is toTHM^- ! A girl grow,, as all. glrla should. Into a beauteous womanhood. Fair and divinely tail!" quo' she. "A sight divine indee4 'twould be. Did every girl one may know, Noflook as she'd rather to manhood grow, Than be a woman at all!" quo' be. • • • A correspondent who signs himself "Gospel Truth." aays he would like everyone to think of, and parsons to preach on, the following: We are all selflah, liars and thieves. ! Jnaao. "Llaro and thlevea" are "ail ! setnith." Others may do as they plcaee. but "Critic" ha» no time to think of "Gospel Troth" and his cobbers! ••' • , • The "Canterbury Guardian." In a burst of coufldonce, tell* its readora Umt , An oyster la not fit to eat till four ; years' old. Im-phm. Those "Critic's" olfactory organ rotrofttod from In i} Wellington eatwthop t'other night, must have boon I only -three years and elovoa months of ago. • * * Two ox-m<Hs«mt« of "Waihola" wrltft from Fwuht i r»ion ca»np oxpraanl»|f jiurprlue that "Critle" didn't know of their tow«Bb4p'» existence. But "Critic" didn't »ay ho didn't know. He said thflfo was no ntch place. Ho knows that the mantt and Post OCtc« directory trivtt that designation to a lllUo ttpol of tbe ctarth the Maoris caJ I "Woihorn." Not much tllffor«nc«, but you've got to knock "1" out of it as It ia on Ui» map, Wort you T" right.

#^m^"iSor4esi;->.'®itig In, the work: it f j^naa : .(MCifSDnitfi." . ••;•■• .■ ■ •■■■■■• \li:k^r^V : r- ■ v •"■;.■ ! r tro^'Npl the people want pease tftfey^U, l>e ' glvlr^r their Go veniirierita i beams. ••' , , ' . • . • ." . '■' : ■•...:■" _ ■ •'■•• ._ , „.• ■ . ; . • , . .. \yj. J: BelV the creator ot "Wee Maogreegor, M ; saysr - \ . ■Better be JpXlUous than bilious. ; acauleocoo. H$ kncrwti there's $*n>-fjT oi a difference! ■^ ;? ''- ■'■'"■• '•' *-■•'■ • ■fK'A rantleinan signing himself Mr. f iFugatfush « aska "Crttto" hdrr maay ;fl^id^ (o>f jiiJotry there ure. ' Well, all :ft^t' "Critic" qan romembter at the time I are , poetry, y«fse, the r«v*rso, blank i verire, rhymtd' *tat«wentJß v und war ■■ pftmettes,' ■*;■:?•■;.. : --.- ;;"■';>■.;■■ 'V. ■". " ; ; -.^,* = "Wti^t '! ja a, racitiflir Ui« 'teaicher , ,\. aafcea, . ' . : -' ■•'Now who'll be the first to gueas itr* Quick as tliotifiht WllUa said. >*t have , ,*-: it- In my head .-...- But 1 don't kiiow hereto express it!" .■ ' ■ ' The 1 "WairMWAAjpe** iJalonrta ;it» hatful ;\)^i^aae»^ta2* ,:■•'•;': ' "^ ; .- 7 '" ■' '' " ' ■.> ''''^^anxjlj^ /&jaH*i,^ of Martin- ..," borouirh^^v *l to' /.Master- . '; }jis 'iimmio^^^. "fay"' dlatrict^ It is j4n no "#ay hinted th^« he wad mor« wheii lie 1 lei* thaa vhtmte ar.r /■,'.. > ; ■ V *-V: ; - ■■■■■.•,j.«-^ .-. '■'• •■■ ■ ' - • • V^'No.w.'fix parsing 4nd analysing thla ftenfenc4, Thk jxdy loft h<Jr hoisao la Hbhson^treek *and ;"waUced to the station,' X want you io.p»iy great 'attoa* itlon,^ flald- the, hl^h - school t»ach«^ ..j-^'.lljjb^^; wun^ ta the 'article:-' $*&M :lls •'& coxi^mi) noun, ' - singular number, s t^nilnln^tfa^deirr—— " , "<^,n^j£&dib,' i< fpwd«6'.f • be' coiuxaW With* ;*c^ne > * : -!\-:-"-;;-->'&i?- : .-» ..■.;>.,■■ :. : ; A reyival of ShaJc««poare% plays has begun- J'n th|J^ '^Cdld* Country. fi»- v a" . i crit l<iua o'ti * receht perte^naiwi ';;«>iti ', :'Othehq." read: ' : : *The Moor, seizing a bolster, futii ot rage and Jealousy, smothers her. i The dirty dog. But wasn't it lucky, for j ttie-Moor that that bp^lster was "ftCtl of f:vge and Jealousy," otherwise he ! fixightn't have been ablo to have screw:---j cd his courago up to the choking point! i •,■;/-, • >. ..- • '. j ■ Ttie Milton rag records that the SUj pehdl.arjv I^kslatsato down that way som«tlo*«»ni«ives .chunks of condem- } uatlou/off his chest nt the MUtonic city j fthd Its' citizens. He la reported to Lf $kve said t'other day that m Milton the people are so backward that „, There la not ovott^A watorcaxt ,■ for the protection of ©hop windows. s Protecting % e»hoji^^vflttdows with 'prater-' car ta ! pfa* ths „ MaglatmU expect that will, bo the flrat place tho hungry Bjjjoji will make for should they ever arrive m Gforzone. . ' ,^ ■ ; ••ReynolijteN* Newspaper"* plao»4^* upon record that ■■ ■ „ A^V'i*?Henry- Ford, vfbo brJi^d to .)S^t ft peace m; Europe, **Q< caprl&L ih^ idea into the house of "hia emplpyees. He has made U a rule m his factories that a workman . who quarrela with, W» ; wife loses his j<*. -■■■ .-■■.;. y .-. Thus the saying that sonic wives would "break the patience of; Job" aoqulroe a deeper and more sinister meaning, for it bubby loaes hh» patJhcnoe he loses his job, too. • '

U at bin

Th« paprid joable-craxomer U at bin caprtdonsnoss' again. . Last wyek 4 * wlrea told tm that ttu» Allies faced the ftre from **myriadfl w of Gorman machine guns, which wer» aimed with deadly prccWioit Yet o»ir men walked calmly on jut it therei had been but a few thousand of tb« feoses of death playing on them. The smallest amount which can be ascribed to a "myrtad" la 10,000. The dictionary eayn that "myriad" meana Innumerable, and how a few thousand of M«n cm march through nych a % d«tpgv^4t flying r lo%d, without Injury t^ Biamipui&tor of^tttw*-, tagogioa caltoA csibMs can c^noftlv*.. -"'" Tn A glowing account of how the Germ-Hunt;, at some points, tried to stem the advancing tide, PhUUp Glbba, In the ''Dally Chronicle," is reported to have said: Our machine guns swept them . down like swathes of hay, yet serven battalions came on successively, one after the oltier. "Succftsslvoly, one after the other." Are you quite sure it wasn't "one before Uae other"? Perhaps the flamboyant "Chronido" sm-ibo thinks such tautology Glbba a f%llllp to his narrative. * • * Concerning the girl who fell over the edge of the ferry wharf at Lyttolton and had her upir'uj damped the other night, the Chrl«tehurch "Proas" say»: Tho young woman was provided with a change of clothing by a Lyttelton friend, and then returned ! to Chrlatchureh. Had the "Ly ltd ton friend" been the Itcv. Mrs. Drlnkwatcsr, or somo uuch ; prominent prohlb.. wo would probably I hove hoard ho. But becauwi tho friend I happened to b« a louder »bt>itrtsd llobe lat MJtehtiiru "pubbery," publieatloQ of I the fnct that barmaida can bo sympathetic and helpful, no doubt, would ! have offftndod the nix o'clock dosing, anil-gambling ptwh, and. incidentally, helped "Bung" along' hia parlou* path, ! eona«Hjuontly wo don't stst to hear much j about it. There aren't a ffr«at raaay chance* of shedding n war for "Buntf," iao "Critic" grab* tula opportunity and atoada ooa—a. tear straight.

The space chipped m {an article' by the censor's chisel is a stain on the honor and honesty of thought and freedom of utterance that all the perfumes of Arabia will fall to sweeten. c -c. \ «r The New York • J Call" says: Those monarchs In Europe who talk about God being on their elde forgot they cant spell Gold without an n Oh, L.J ' ■■ ■.•.■.■• • ■■■ • s A geography tells us that , Lake Superior, the Victoria Ny- ! anka, and Ireland are about the I same size. , I There'sl^iother injustico to Oireland! Howc*& the first-named be Superior, iCftfc only oqual to. Inland? 1 -„ . • • • A school gnwftmar says that Molaajeo 1 iaV common noun and singular m number. , ,X *- , The "black Jock" which Is on the, market, at present is •common", eribugh, also, it may be eingular m number,. but it is double m price Bince tho war has prevented the C.SU?. Co. from exporting tp erstwhile' markets. The theatrical gossip scribe m the Birmingham ''Daily Mall," speaking of a forthcoming 'play, says; , Tho play^siln three acts and nine scenes, and there is an exceptionally long cast, but beyond that the * Btrictest scenery is being preserved. "The strictest scenery." Myl^^Wottldnt the Brummegom wowsers feel reassured after that I £"■ .>■'■;'■ ' v-;-«' ■ ; - • :■ ;,' "Lcsttelton Times" drops into the vernacular, a la Wooloomooloo, sad runs its leading article under the heading: Bnakln Hetupna; v / The chfcnoee m tbjytvS^^lwW^tor* pedoedTa-ithdnlh : <&m*%X rivkot* the • heading has wandered from the trotting page, and should read, "Brankin returna (to the, winning list)." ■In dealing with the <jue.itlon of Btatm .'control of the medical service, tho Tj»--s^r Leader* told us that: V Sir John Collie ridiculed the present^ system by which 22,000 doo-. tors depend for an income on their capacity £o please then- parents. "Critic" was aware quite 'a number of younj? sprigs of out old nobility were so hampered, bat It Is something of * revolution to find medical men to tie same box. ' ''• • , : ■ ■ - '. ■ ■■'■ ■■'■ ■

>toem'

■ • , ■■■' • ', : '•'■"■'■'.■■ The London Times" has announced that: ■- '■■■■■'■•■ ■-" i -. ' ■ ■:• ■'■ The Duke of Devonshire has been,' appointed to succeod the Duke of Connaught as Governor>Oenecal of Canada^ - ' . ; - . I Now, Canada will be happy, even though some ribald. rebel rhymer mar rant: CanMda you all admire, Her, sons you bold In high es--^tesm: <~ • •• - But you send them the cream of ' / I^eTonshlre . . . , . Though tbe? prefer your. Devon-; : shire crsamf * r >. I A correspoadent In, th» dour toun! sonda "CritiW, a Duntidlft tramway" ticket, whlcbT |ie p*id for and had pttnehed, on tbe reverse side of which la printed: ' And by Him all that Iwjlev* are justified from ail things^ from which ye could not bejusttfled by the law; of Moses— Axit 13. ». All the same the loons o' Dunedln mustn't assume that this new form of tramway tracts is an invitation to break the by-laws by riding two seotlona while paying for one. If they do, theyn find that tbe laws of Massey. donla will not justify them any more than the lawn of Moses.

What is the wealthy man's point of view of the war? The Noo Yawk "TlmWa" London correspondent lots tbe eat out of the bag thus, when, re* porting a Zeppelin raid: Scores of working class homes T^iarere wrecked, but from a fln- ; ''aafelai point of view, the damage was Inconsiderable. The houses wore typical of 'thousands In this district and are packed together In small streets. "From the financial point of view I" A number of poor people were killed, but what of th&L By bombs that from the Zeppelins fell A lot of hovels were blasted to hell , With many a worker's child; But the money loss, we rejoice to tell Was very slight so all b well— And broadly the Fatman smiled J

A week or two «co "Critic* made merry over the antioa of certain btckbJox acrtbfl* to manufacture "Ioc«i N new*. Tho "MorrlnJivUle Star*** par, hariUdtng tho arrival of n motor bicycle m- that city, however, lant In It with the following Cram the "Wak&Upu Mail": A new 4-eycUndor Studebakcr motor cat, Uind«jd hero to the order of Mr, F. McßriOft, FTnnktoo. This cat ombodlaa all the Utitni de\io«« In motor traction. Mr. Jan. Rlchnrds l» m tho dtstriot for the purpoa«t of (nfllrucUnK Urn owner m ibo working of aaxno/ Next Umo Ujo MorrtjurviUe penpusher will know to jjtvfl a fuller de«ortptfoo of any machine that tttrtys into the Plsxko wwttjnp meiropolU, ring la the name of the bloke who Lao the honor of tiHiehlni? U»e buyer to drive or ride, xuite the prico pa4d and tho eomml**lon earned by tho local agent, then con« Kratulate the Agent on hi« excellent profit, n>nd the buyer on hi* ohea* bax-

It is Bald that a certain AuefcSand jnilk company gives its drivers a week's holiday annually and debits them with the errors of their' substitutes. Wot one would call the "milky" way. * . • •• ■' , • ' .• ' The cable-cobbler said the other day: The enemy made- two feint attacks. But they were too faint to be pressed home. * •' • • "The New Bill" was the heading a hundred, day -lies used over their Parliamentary reports of the compulsion measure's progress through the House. "The New BllL" Yes, and the "New BUT Is likely* to tfrpye the political death of Old BUI at the next time of asking. <, v ■ ■ -• *:*■■*■ ' • An exchange reports, that: The Methodist Episcopal Conference 1 plans to eliminate the devil . from too ridiaL ' • After which "Critic" hopes some e<j»:\ v ly determined body will eliminate b"r -. • from Europe, if not from the Earth : ■■-. ■•;.•., c '•;•■ ';.'■■■• -.' \ 9 '"■•■ The Austrian cable cobbler expli ! • .the defeats of Emium©l*s sltuilcs' saying that they "have shortened tli*v front* ■ Old King. Emanuel.wfll find „„/„ >, That wax's a trifle tcteSv , ?* v ' And shortening of his **Cront** but means That it's ft Uttlo "Qbckeyr v • • A daughter of lira PanKhunrt, tbii leader of the militant British suffragettes, has been lecturing for some week* ttetiushout "Gcwone." The Westport "News" calls bar V JCss Adela. Panckhnrat That •V* Is eloquent They'll be having the Antt-Qeraan League on )> ■ trjtak next, ■-■.-*. ♦ '-* * • '■ ■•■• •-■- Utas Edith Brown, a speaker on tro: : cat mdnstxJas at the-Xmpertal Institute. la reported to -have said: X believe Germany would even fiYfthango the' Crown Prince for a ithlnV»a4 of robber. But (ftesnt Miss Edith set too high « value" 'os. a Crown Prince T A shipload of rtibbjei to worth & neoOoad of Crown fn"*a article In support of the Military Service Bill, a haok-bfox scrfbe paints out that the latest nation to join tbe Entente has had Conscription for many yeara4 Aa Bfcr Archibald Alison points bttr te "hla "History of Europe," Cooacriptloa has been long the law nxPottuenU. Sir Archibald says: f^Uii Portuguese^ law, every pftrion to legally obliged to Join tho ' battalions arrayed m defence of thi» country.'* ? ' By a Portuguese **Uw* they are "legally? obliged. Josbo. Not much room fof moral BuaaioinCbarel '"■v . '• • : • • STb» * f N«w Zealand Ttmaa" war scribe, who paraphrases the cablecrammer'a tnosßagea, m a Taut attempt to make thyrp tump* nt^mHf*^^*^^ told hla reorders that: Everything m this case s*en» to be wors£nf like w«O-oiled nacbinery—«xcept tie -bravery and prompt readlnoaa of all raoka and thalr cboertnl, witilnxt «n«xsT and •elf-xViiianca. Are wo to a»um« from tb* above that the "bravory,'* *S»«rgy" and "self- reliance** of our soldier boya were not m good working order, ordoea he mean that, like machinery when denied sufficient "oil," the bravery of our boys was **nrod" until it became redhot, and, unlike machinery wtaes. m * flimltor condition, nothing could atop 'wn. • • • A Booth Island contemporary aays: In a Uttlo aMOlng book. "The Showmen; A I^egood of tbe Wax;* that poot master m the art of miIre, Mr. T. W. IL Crcelxnd. hut written a lively skit upon Mr. Harold Begble'B now famous story of the so-called Angela of Mans, 'The Bowmen." Mr. Begbleto • story waa^as he has since told the '■ public, purely a work of imagination, yet curiously enough quite a number of people still Insist that Its m.iin Incidents had counterparu 1a real life, Our Boulh Island scribe doesn't read current literature or he would know that Arthur Machen, and not Harold Begbte, wrote "The Bowman." Yes, yes, '•Critic" knows that the pax was cribbed, unacknowledged, from a Wellington mornlog paper, but that la more of an %*Vlitlfflrt*! aoottsfttleii t**f*^ an ex» ousel c c c THKB. The shimmering 01*111 trtnll* sorUy down, Tho nifftit winds kiss the silent sea; Those glorious eyes aglow with tore— Dark eyes of tbee. Tbe bird* tiftvo hmhed their daylight none Tho night drifts o'er xm sflenUy; And I am thralled with presence sweot— Sweet 0001 of tbee. I But Time's long years, Uke ehfldhood's hopes, Bo olowty come and swtftty fieo, And I am desolate and tone. For want of thee. But somewhere m tse velds of time, In raywtlc dim fntorlty, My soul shsii burst Its prison tan And dwell with tbee. But In tb« mointlmo, Abwuit Camo, Tlwu poet's didiy trmtedy, Tbeu rnttkxwrt me go wttboot m? naai> Meat daaxMtaty.