The Critic

NZ Truth, Issue 571, 27 May 1916, Page 1

The Critic

I Who can undaunted brave the Critic's rage, Or nota unmoved hi« mention m th« Critic* pag«, Parade bis error m the public eye, V And Mother Grund/e rago defy? , J,

The worker's greatest need Ls not so much work, as wisdom. • • • The work of war: Prosperity for tho few ana hell for the many. • ' • • Tho uso of the rod may not develop the child, but it certainly will make him smart. • • • Some sons are lucky that their fathers lived before them, and some fathers are unlucky In not being born after their sons. • • • A picture palace poster reads: •"Vanity Pair." by Charles DickWhat of the "vanity" of fame? t • • Fred Funston. a 'Murkan general. Indignantly left a New York hotel becnuse the bell boy was togged out m tho uniform of a captain of tho regulars. Apparently ho thought that to clothe a worker m tho trappings of a soldier was an insult. "Critic" agrees. • • • The Government are alarmed at what it will take to foot the bill for pensions to soldiers' widows. Yet its plight must be as nothing to that of tho Turkish Government. Think of the number of widows a dead Turk leaves behind him! • • • A land agent, advertising a farm for bale, says: Adjoining lands are sailing for more than double the price asked. Gam! Even mugs with money to burn don't do that sort of thing. • • • Some merchants excuse themselves for food adulteration, by claiming that It ls necessary to u»e drugs 10 pi(eserve and keep the food from going: rotten. Let the people's reply be that there Is enough food In existence without depending upon a method of slow poisoning to enable us to have food m plenty. # Tho war-scribe on the "KgypUan GrscUO" sccrna to havo been clamored hy tho "KJU-b of Old Gaul." ! Two mounted ihe parapet and 1 the skirl of tho plpen* \v«r aud- \ ible above the crash of bombs. Some tartans are very loud, but theso fellows mnal have been "tcarln' " It to some purpose. • • • In an interview In 1902. Andrew Carncftio said: Thflro Is no question of patriotIsm In tradfli It docs not c&ro a flu for a nag. It 1j dividend* that count. Tho tri/jkery of tho war-profit pinchers ho* demonstrated the truth of tho Ynnkoo-Seou words to tbo satisfaction oi most.

Love: Tho only fire than can't bo insured against. • « • Only the "Truth" can bear the searching light of reason. • • • People who worn others from danger are generally tho first to trip thernself. • • • Looks like as though the Russians Intend to make a door-mat of the Ottoman. •> • • « Make a now suggestion and all the mugwumps will go peering- round looking for its hoofs and horns. • • • ■ Mile Gaby Dcslys says: "I Bpend £14,000 a year on clothes!" Yet the last time "Grille" saw her she didn't appear at all over-dressed J • • * The war profits once more prove thai It la The "Bis Stick" | <3«ts tbo bte "Uak." • • • When you see a maiden and a man lingering on opposite sides of a garden gate, you may conclude that there Is a deal between them and a great deal , to be said on both sides. | • • ♦ Here's to the poor plug who labors. Who digs In tho ditches, be Jabers; If he wasn't a fool, He would vote for a rulo That ho needn't support his rich neighbors. • • • A medical journal «ays Sixteen to eighteen a mlnuto should be the regular number of inspirations In a healthy adult. "Critic" knows one Wellington poet, at least, who reckons that ho can beat that out of sight and still remain sober. • • • The "Manawntu Standard" advertises The Ideal lady's or doctor's light t 2-acntcr electric start, lights and horn, magneto, lung wheel base and beautiful" body lines tlnlshod In |. butitaship grey. Well, whai'u wrong wKh an Ideal i \»pi>Ki«Vfi, l »r ltl«*;il dustman's, or even ! "Ideal" politician* nelf-aianer? Won- | der what the "Al.S.'s" "ideal" Is like. I • • • ! Mr. llonur Law. speaking at Manchester recently, told tho working men ttsat: | Capitalism Is a came of cliance, j Men who ar« workers to* day may b<> capitaitat-K to-morrow, and m«n who urn now (•aiilt.ilimit may tomorrow became wajro-earneni. The above I* becoming lt»#* anil leu* true a« tho days ko by. At It* boat X only applied to Individual*. Capitalism is no K«uttc of chance* *o far a* ltu> worklnjf-cloM n» a eUu*a 1* conc^rrusd. i b©cau»* under It the working -class !a«y«r ba* a ohosc*.

The three stages of prosperity: The j pot belly, the red nose, the diseased j kidney. • • • Mary had a Thomas cat It warbled like Caruso; A neighbor swung a. cricket bat Now Thomas doesn't do bo. ■'-.. \ • • • ■. • "Critic" observes that a firm of motor car importers advertises one of its cars as "the car of refinement." Probably death will be much easier if you are bowled over by a car carrying that particular brand. : • . • • ■' ' Nellie Schmidt, a 'Frisco show-girl, as she posed In the altogether— except for a small boy's bathing trunks — to be "snapped" by half a hundred 'Frisco "snappers." exclaimed: '"I am the proudest woman m the world." But what she was proud of nobody could see! • • • Mr. Yeitch, of Wonganui, says: The workers of this country have got to stand together or they will make no progress. And Veitch claims to be a Scotsman! The workers have been standing together and apart too long. It la time thoy set out to "move together." •'■ • • The "Paisley Gokette" Is perturbed over the decay Of the Doric: Tho language of Scott and Burns is not a heritage to lightly be dropped, though too little is being done to avert that act. No doubt, but the King's English may go to blazes with a bang! • • • TOWN BIRDS. "rook" la the most curious biru that's found around tho town, For first he picks up some fat ''Jay" and then he takes him down; The "blue bird" policeman's just as bad, he grabs some "gutter-pup,'* And takes him down to Lamb tonquay and then he "puts him up." Tho "sand-bag** bird Is like the "rook," he finds some "kite* or clown, He picks his bird up like the "rook" and then he KNOCKS him down. • c • The "New York World" points out that: While the production of gold In America aggregated £612,755.400, • from 1792 to 1908, the President during hla term of otneo has signed appropriation bills amounting to £^04,696,063, or £91,800,000 more than the total gold production of 116 years. Is this the "Newer Nationalism" which Won'trow Wilson now advocates? • • • Toper was feeling bad. It was the morning after the night before. Like a true friend, "Critic" advised him that ho must give up whisky, or ho would soon be m his grave. "Think soT he asked. "1 do, most certainly." replied "Critic," adding that It Toper wanted to lengthen hla days he ought to cry off liquor at once. "I believe you're right," said Toper. "I once went home on a Saturday night without bringing up my bottaJion m reserve and, do you know, the Sunday before the Monday was the longest day of my life! But, gee, a Ufo of such days would be too Infernally long!** • • • A patriotic, but "droothy," Scot Is sorely perplexed as to how to get himself out of the following difficulty: I daily consume a pennyworth of alcohol and a pennyworth of tobacco. These luxuries cost mo 9d, the dlffore&co of Id goUtf direct tho Exchequer. The alcohol does me good, and I enjoy the pipe, but if I forego this gratification and purchaso War Savings Certificates with tho Od the St*U wUI bo th« loser. "Critic" leaves him to n,ght out this niw point with the oxpwta and economists, but It looks as If patriotism and temperance would form an Incompatible mixture. • • • A Joker signing himself aa M.OS," m the "Taranakl Dally News," wrlu» "A New Zealand Anthem." Here is the last helping of the poetic pudding: All Hail, great sovereign, kindly power. Who hath supreme command. Thy presence will In evil hour Guard true our natlvo landl To which "Critic" ropllea, "Quito true," the "great sovereign." like tho "ahlraighty dollar," l« somo factor. Therofore "Critic" adds another slab of didactic duff to the menu: All Hail, great quid, thy kindly power, Which hath supreme command. Tuts up tho price of meat and flour And holds the squatter's land. • • • j Tho "Fro« Pr&aa** gtvei this as * yarn ! by » BaUydutha resident: ' One big cod disgorged two tails | -Jin long iuj ft wiu» landed. Tho 1 Muorbt say that numbers of tall- ■ less cod Uiive been wu.«l»c<i up Ituo- ■ ty on th* luvKih, utul H u'tu» thought I that fihurks \ver« rcaponulblo, but ! apparently the cod thcrnaelvea. lik© l moat fieh. are camiibalhtUe. Of course, U*B quite possible tUat a Hallycluthun may uce nil kinds of ! thjrijjs Me I"**- "Critic" once hoard a tn\ii of an ttnihrophagtan conger eel. ; which wm four foci Jonu and «o hungry that It a». allowed an undo eel < of eomo »lx feut lonir. Tho '•n.arraUv*r c<>nclwdf%l wlUi, "and H could not get tho wholu of tho other ooJ down, fully stx '»cli*« o( It proje^tlrtg 1 from Us mouth." What become of iho odd IH ' lnch<?n ftt the caput end of the a*»iml- J laiod one iho tal«» toller tcllotb not. "Criilc" has heard too many of tha*o tilth y yaxnn by people coming with i "uUJj" m thftlr roouLh*. it

J To hear some of our politicians talk ] you would Imagine that the business I of the nation was none of the nations business • • • The law of all civilised lands: The many bend To toll, That a few may spend And spolL • • • A science Jottings par m a country rag says: . - "Grog" is one part of ram mixed with three parts of water. Is it? Try some of a Taranakt-stroet "sly" stuff, or the liquid pyrotechnics, as purveyed by the bogus Barleycorns of Master ton. It will be found to consist of a sporting chance of three to one methylated, odds on the "frisk." • .\ " V • According to the "New Zealand Times," the following motion was passed at a conference of Post and Telegraph officers: That it is absolutely imperative, m view of the enormous increase m the cost of loving, that a war bonus should bo granted to officers. Is it as baa as that? Evidently the baby bonus fails to meet the case. Come to think of it, the Times" scribe is right, since ono cannot love" unless he flrat "live*! ••■■• • • : • THE SPOONY SCHOONER SKIPPER. "What is it makes the ship to gor the blue-eyed maiden said; Said Sid, the skipper, **Wben they blow, tis by tho breezes w« are sped;* In fact, it is the wind, lass.** "What brings the anal) or to tha deckr* the lassie next Inquired; "Well, when they man the capstan bars, if they're m nick, the Jolly tars Bring THAT up by the windlass, Unless they are too tired. 1 * '.■ ■ ■•: -. „• ..• The other day the caif e "Critirf* dines at, was rather rushed. As many as six persons were seated at aomo tables, the regulation number being four. For qulto a timo tho waitresses had their hands full m a double sense. Boated next to "Critic" waa a "cankert" old customer, who yapped out at the waitress: "I know you're busy, but you have served others who camo m after me, white' l have been kept waiting, sitting hero staring like a fool" "I am sorry you havo been kept waiting," said the waitress, sweetly,' "but don't blame mo for tho rest" • • • A couple of Socialists, an Irish Nationalist and an Ulster Scot, who havo scorned to road •"Truth" In. tho past, write to say that having had their attention drawn to our articles on the Dublin rebellion, they have become regular subscribers. Bow true are the words., of Bob Ingersoll: In all directions they seek for "Truth," and when found, accept it with Joy — accept it m spite of preconceived opinions — m spite of prejudice and hatred. This is the course pursued by wise and honest men, and no other course is possible for them. • • • Is there no end to the devices of those who are desirous of practising "war economy" at other folk's expense? Here Is the latest dodge to that end of a Wellington glad-rag store owner: Wanted Known — James Smith's, - 80 Cuba-street, aro offering special value m M'Llntock's Russian Down Quilts, double-bed sixa, good patterns and colorings, worth 15s fd, To-morrow's* price 27s 6d each. Thus James Smith not only is able himself to "economise" to the extent of twelve "roberto" for overy quilt Bold, but having to pay that additional dozen "hob" for a ISs fid quilt will teach the purchaser to economise In other directions, llama the adv&ntug* La mutual — pVapal • • • Here is a copy of a Bank of England advertisement which Is appearing In tho London Times** and other newspapers: If you cannot fight you can help your country, by Investing all you can In 5 per cent Exchequer Bonds. . . . Tho working man is mooting the needs of tho hour magnificently, will you — who havo tho money — do your share? Unlike tho soldier, tbo investor runs no risk. . . . Capital and Interoat Alike, Is secured on the Consolidated Fund of the United Kingdom, tbo premier security of U» world, "The investor runs no risk** — not even of his money! And yet the boodiing bluggooes' representatives la Parliament will continue to prats about "equality of sacrifice," and of being "all m if • • • Tbo "Otaki Mall" says: A nasty accident ti&pponod to Mr. John Nu timer (popularly known as "Old John"), it Is surinlacd that while opposJto tho Juhi- )<*« Hotol ho slipped and struck his face. "CrfUc" hop«s that "Old John" bad not been having a "Jubilee" with "Old Tom." Tho "Mala" has a moat un» happy way of putting things. "Crltto" hi** heard of persons who havo fallen down and biium their elbows; ordinary bloqufta who nteppod on their «1bowi autl (UalQGßted their ankle*; «x---lt-uordin:v- ch»j>j» vrbo www "VT earing biff boou and ran bead flmv into their own leteu cauMtag concussion of the brain; but ho haa never hoard of Joint, bloquo or chap, who sido-atoppod n(m««tf ctnd dealt blmnclf & "boaut" on the din), or passed himself oao to point. The man "who slipped and struck his foes" is *, n»w imufatUm.

I "Figures never lie.** says the old saw, but tailors and costumiers know better. • • • * An exchange says: Germany lost only 60,060 men ta the Franco-Prussian. War. Only 50,000! $n»* » aharak • • • The following are the headings to s> three line news paragraph, m a N*W York paper: Marine Elliott Adopts "Busty" MoGiUan, Newsy. Actreaa Sends Faithful Xittte FeUow to Military f'-Hlr to ISdncato Trim, And after they have educated "Bnsty** they'll equip him with one of thos* "Rusty** guns, with which, It will be remembered, John. Pierpont Morgan mad* his first swlpo out of th* x*e%alt«l Stytes treasury, • * • • • The great, warm heart of the •Murkan politician fa moved to action at last! Th» cable cobbler told as t'other day: A resolution expressing horror of the American people at tho execution: of tho Irish rebels -was Introduced by RepmfiAateiiv-a Dyer Ux the Lower House of Congress, Now, "Critic" doesn't approve of th« shooting of Dublin's misled proletarians, but, at tho same time, he has to admit that other States and Governments would havo done the same m like circumstances, if not worse. What has happened In Berlin and other German cities, where the people are asking for Bufllclent food? What would 'Murka do? What has 'Murka done? What happened when the Southern States domandod'Home Rule? What happened m Chicago In I&STt • • * Truly, far-off "fiends" are gehonna and distance lends enragoment to the view I If Representative Dyer is In such Dyer distress to find subjects for bis kind commiasoratlon, what needs he look so far afield as Dublin? Has he never heard of Mackee Rocks, of the Colorado Bull pen, of the Homestead riots, of the New York skirt-waist workers* strike, of tbo hundred and ono other industrial struggles that have takon place under tno Stars and Stripes, where every Individual is supposed to be entitled to the right to "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness," m which men and women havo been sha^t and clubbed to death, not for any act of rebellion against tho laws of the stare, but because they dared to assort their rights to refuse to work for a starvation, wage; and shot down, too, not by soldiers called out to prosorvo tho public peace, but by hired gun-men and thugs In the pay of the employers m order to cow© tho men and women into submission. Thoso things are of but yesterday, and the men who paid tho gun-men to murder tho striking workpeople are still at largo, and tho Dyers and other cross-eyed Congressmen havo have never opened their llpa to denounce them, let alono agitato to bring thorn to Juatico. But perhaps to ask this last is to ask too much, as it would mean taking them outside of the United States fnr trial and execution. • • • If every laugh adds a day to one's) life, as philosophers toll us, thon ths unconscious humor of the German communiques may bo of great utility after aIL Take the following, wirelessed from Berlin to Washington, as a eoxopte of British barbariAui: On August 14, 1915, In the Irish Boa, a large steamer of tho Royal Mall Line opened flro, without provocation, against a submarine at 6000 motrce raago. Tho shots fell abort. No 'attack waa r^^m? against the steamer. Just liko tbo deceitful British, wanting to gat tho first blow at an opponent! Surely it is timo tho Allied skippers forgot about what happened to the LusltanlA. th» Arablo, and tho Pe?**! Then. *g*^ n * In the TTcotom Moditr.rran?*n (September 10, 1915), an unknown steamer was asked to show nor Dag, and thereupon aho oponod fire. The scoundrels! Just Imagine how many predouH Uv«s would l»a.vo boon lost had not that particular submarine* a» we are told, "escaped by submerging quickly I* It se«ms that m sevttral other Instances tho humanitarian instincts of the Germ-huna were aroused and pursuit of the victim waa abandoned, not because there were women and children on board, not becauso a neutral nag waa shown, but becauao The steamer returned oar fir* with a large gun, and the submarine, having submerged, continued to remain doep down, seeing that the attack would havo been without any chanoo of success, while, la another case, tho sieamar went off at 4 high rate of spood. firing heavily from a cannon In her stern. Thwo steamer* must have been anything bat well bred. All well-bred vtsaaeia, especially In tha war bob*, ought to wait for tho aubinnrlno to nmko the first advuncon! Hut tho »ul>marino oftteer*» humor reached tho sublime m the case of the commander of tbo Conn-hun \ratw-rni that bit & holo m the bottom of tho Clan MAcleod. A/tor tho Clan Alooleod surrendored to tho submarine, oho war Oral upon at a ranjro of a-quaxter of & mile, two boats being nnuuthod and a doxon men killed. The offloor of the aubmsxtne, on boardIng his prize, apologlsod for firing after the vomml had o*ulod down her colors, by Haying: We aro foUowtns" tnalracUoiw. 'Wo are not bapfaaHsjos, «f we would Om on you now. Our or4«m ar* to kill you all Th« distinction m barbarity Ntwwa killing a dox«n dofnno«)««« man who had Burmndcrod and wtpUicr out the whole chip's oompony la too dollcato U> b« •jppvdMtA m U ought to be tfaass