The Critic

NZ Truth, Issue 570, 20 May 1916, Page 1

The Critic

!Who can undaunted b*«vo the Criticta rage, , Or note unmoved fcas meotion m tho Critic's p*ge, Parade bw error m the puWto eye, And Mother GrandyV ra*» tiaty? '

The airman's fears are groundless. Leap "£ear : A woman's Forward movement ■■■■,-■■ • .■''••• ' • ' The price of butter In cold storage has gone up again. It is still the same butter. *■ - • . There are 4.600,000 people In Ireland who don't own an Inch of "their" country. ••.- • ■ ♦ As In New Z**oand, Uj« result oX «ao elections m Tasmania is that parties are even. That's odd! •.':'■•■•. , • - ' WUh«lm of Prussia, ought to remember that the way is short that runs from illegal acts, to Hi-Eagle oxod. "■ ■ '*"• ..• '■••'.. • Being unsatisfied is evidence of a desire for better things; being dissatisfied often is evidence of mere ingratitude. t ■ f #.■'. ■ As the war wags on Its way, We must take the good with the bad* And tf the Hum should bomb Bombay, The Allies must bag Bagdad. • "• . ... • ... Th« householder who pays his rent half-yearly In adyanoe scores these time*. The landlord will be unable to nJm his nut for six months! -■ "• ;■ . • ■ • . ' An advertiser m a South Island dayHe offers for the small sum of live "roberto" to inform cltonts of how to avoid f *fallln« hair." "GriUo" can do the same for "nix." Just step nimbly aside when you see It coming your way. • „,•■• • One of t'xo morning day-lies has placed It on record that a certain unstable member of Parliament is about to turn over a new leaf. The samo gentleman has turned over so many loaves In his political day, that, if he had them bound together, they would make a bulky and weighty volume. ■ '■• . • - • The poets, God 'elp us, like the poor, are always with us. On© of tho lyrical brotherhood musing on the coat of living; sends us the following; The workers are beginning to learn That they should have something better than herrin'; For they want a soar© of U>© wealth produced And on proper food they'll see it used. But, whaffor "herrin'?** • • . • "Critic" has visited some of the "parlors' of the poor" to Halning-mnjet, Fruderlck-street, Martin -square, Tulstreot. etc., Wellington. He has noted tho alleged housea by which some of tho landlords thumb-ucrew the renw out of tho poor, tio ha-o ucen tho hlth and nqualor of Now Ze&lftnuera' (and Chinamen's) castles. Ho It an «oon the AtahlQ next to tho hou«c of filth amljdu and ploughed through the ciouds of flic* ttferefrom. Verily, *Tbo earth is the l&fidlord'i and the foulncaa Utere* PC H

The ..best Upper House; No Upper House. ' ■ " The city slum owners send more children to Heaven than all the churches. - a, <„ . • " • • - ■'""'-• *"■» Seeing "Hun H -garla has shown her hand at last. Is it not time 'Murka showed her flst? ■■.-.•,. • • ■ -„. -,■.•■■■ The race for matrimony üßually ends m a tie and divorce is the protest which la put before the stewards. 1 • • • There is more than tho similarity of sound to account for the afllnity botween Capital and Cop-it-all. • • • If Germany must torpedo "armod^' ships, what's wrong with having a'^Jpfc at some of tho warships m the North Sea? • * • Emerson says, "God offers to every mind Its choice betwoen truin and repose." 'Truth" can bo obtained tor 3dj weekly. "Critic" has never heard of the latter production, „'•'■ • • A large estato m the West of Scotland has been advertised for sale. The average devout Scotsman believes the land was mode by God, but none of them seem to know how It got into the clutches of tho fellow wb4 is advertising it for sale. ■'■.•■' ♦ • '•. . . - : According to tho "Boston Transcript," President Wilson sympathises fully wlUi Germany m nor tiumiiiaUon. And Won'trow ought to bo well qualified to do so, for ho must know well by this time, what that sort of feeling is like. • • • The 'Troon Tiroes** roports that the local military Red Cross Hospital had received certain "ÜBeful gift 4." Among thoso mentioned was: Mrs. Hamlltou Wallace, the Bungalow — Bread crumbs. I The portion that foil to Lazarus! J. M. Barric Hays, "Thoso who bring ! »unsbino lntu the llvea of others cannot i kd«)> it fr 6fti Lh<iißselv4fc." Th»a may \ bo, but "01110" knowH several tanU- j lords m thw Empire City who have on- \ Uoavorccl to brinj? tho Bunshlne of hitch ! rentfl into their own lives, who m U\a \ muna time have succeeded admirably \ m keeping the sunshine of Heaven out t of their tenants' room a and existences. \ •0 * ' The "Glasgow Herald" s«y»: It seems that tho recent Clwrntin i outbreak at 13«rlin, Ontario, vvikh ' Uuo to tho ulKcyvery that a por- I trait of King Otforsfi m the German ! * Club, bad boon tiruptstl wIUj a. O«r- i man nag. Tho Uuildiujf wm } wrecked, and a bust of the Ktil»«r I wjut carried off m triumph, ■ This item of news app«ir«d under the ' hwtdiiijj: "The JOtiatjr'tf Uu«t," but m \ U)a jibßonco of otHciat conJJrmatjpn, < "Critic" concludes that the aaaoune«- j moot is premature. ]

Private charities generally become public scandals. • l ■'•■■•'■ • A number of .men m New Zealand make a living by selling water to working-class families. These individuals facetiously call .themselves milkmen, and their shops, dairies. \ * * * * *The New Review" for April has an article headed; Industrial Peace— A Comedy. What a tragedy 1 t • • "I see you are wearing a physically unlit badge," remarked "Critic" to a bellicose acquaintance "Tea," said he, "they rejected me because I walk with a slight limp." "Critic** could not help replying that he thought , that was a lame excuse. Recent heading from the London fßlundferer": *- Woman Suffrage Again. But wneref or ."again"? The "Mothers o* Men" at the heart of Empire haven't had it yetS *n;xy • . • " . The international law .expert of •Murka, Professor Hyde,,says;^ I should hate to see Aim&nca" go ta war over; a. question of law. '„ She needn't With such a Hyde it will be impossible to make her feel an insult. « • • THE ETERNAL HUMORIST— DEATH. Though a little f bit sad are his jokes, At his fun there are few dare to scoff, For as he moves, around "mong the folks He's always "taking" aomebody "aff." ■ 'sv' : ■■ V' ;; •• ■' ■■,"" • , ••."•■■. "' ■ The letter In last week's issue m reply to "Jacobite's" article on the Butcher ■ Cumberland, but proves the truth of Byron's lines: ' f V ■ quite persuaded The Apostles would have done as they did. v And even bo, they have robbed each other, whether Catholic or Protestant, with equally **unctuous. rectitude." • * • A plute pen-pusher In the Big Smoke says that war economy is all tho rage, and ■ ■ „'•. V. ' ■•■..-. During the past twelve months thousands of London women have not put on an evening^ dress once. The scribe is altogether too modest m his estimate. "Critic" has no hesitation m saying that even before the war there were millions of women m Britain and also m Germany who never had an evening dress to put on. #'■•■■ • Miss Margaret Bender, of St. Joseph, Missouri, is claiming £2000 damages against Mr. T. T. Maget, a farmer, for seven kisses ho stole from her. — Newa item. Though Hayseed was T, T H Ho sure got on a Bender; ' The kisses he did steal from she Most sorely did offend her. Now she's put m her claim, And .pretty hi&h oho'a sot it; But as T. T. was all to blame, Lefs, hope that she Maget it! ■ .-^ ; *►'- ■ •"■■■ ■■ "*-' Therie seesis to bo considerable ground for tnt> jingo assertion ''Once a Hun always a Hun." Whether wo go bock a decade or a century it is all the suuo. Writing to her mother, Queen Victoria, during the Schleswig-Hol-stein war, flXty years ago, Princess Alice said: , r J The town is full of Prussians, I * hope they will not remain too long, for they pay nothing and the poor inhabitants suffer bo much. And *U* that is how they treated their follow-Qermanfl, the worst we have heard of them may very wall be true. • • • ■'-, The Canterbury House of Laymen have lltllo to feel proud of m tho tone of their debate on soldiers' ""Unmarried wives" and tb«ir children. A speaker announced with approval th&t: The Soldi era' and Bailors' Fotniliea Association had got them struck off wherover possible. Another gentleman said that: Toe Government, by maidnir nJ- * )owanco tho tsaaio tor JUc^JOnwuo a» for lcfjllireiato children, utruck * blow at religion. Tho weavily, wlro-whlflkcred wowsers! What would tbeoo "religioua" folks have the Government do? Let tho trweatbeajrta and infanta of our brave defenders etarvo? j • • • "CrliieV yarn concernlnK tho derl- ' vution of- tho phrase "Go to Blaxea/' I has brought him Uio followluK account of tho origination of another commoo saying, munely, "Up-to-dick." A correspondent writes: A London court judgo m a &\.s<s tried btiXoru him the oiD&r dny twlt- \ e<! a witness, who by iho way was a Nnw Ze&ltind soldier from Anz&c, what ho meazit. by "up-to-dick." Tho aoJdlcr replied: "'Busker,' 'Slapup,' 'All Rlffhu' my I^rd!" Tho Judge then oakotf Uim if Jto could give the derivation of too pbra»«. and the Gad's Owner replied: "it originated In Maorllond — whero wo Js'uw ZotUandor* como from, m U^o early d«y» when U»a late Klok DJck~-l mean Ute Ihla Pr&nter SedUoiv-waa still a minor, hla mlmlrtat: mate* constantly r«jtn&rked that it was 'Up to Dick* to suuiU for Parwiimoxn. DnnJly ]je aid, and bis urmuuioua nuccewn on n poiUiclan and a colonial Btatftaman htut mado the pl»ni4M>, not only colonially, but i«siVf;r*ally, npplicabJo to anything B uporla lively g004," "Crltle" merely viohoji to add that th« torogoloff I* not * o*£4rd.

Will the hypenated hybrids, now I making so much mischief m the United States, hasten back to Huntand, after the war, m, order to help to pay the Kaiser's. war taxes? • ' ■y : ; ■-. ".j* „■'■- ;.• ■ *,;■";;;: '.; ; : \*. The reduction of the. age at which German boys may be conscripted for service at the front, gives a new, appropriate, but none the less sinister meaning to the ' military term— iii fantry. ■ " :. ■ •;' • ".^.S : : • ■■ ■• -.. •- ■■&&& He was a nonagenarian and the pride; of the Irish villa^©. **I suppose yoi^: must be very proud of your granQ-^ father, Pat," said a visiting ■ tourtajs;! "Ouch! I don't know, sure," replied th*gossoon. "The ould mahn wuz ahlwayi^ a shlow ould dlyvle. All that he iyverl did wuz to grow ould and ho took twlco as long over it as a&ny other mahn would have dun." A Mr. William Osier, writing m the; London "Times," declares that: r ' . ;.4; ; The cry : for air reprisals ilius-. trates the exquisitely hellish state V of mind Into which war plungfs r \ sensible men. -%\.' "Sensible men," m the opinion of Bill Osier ought to hold more stable opinions. •■ ■'■" ■ '-V- : ■■ ■ ' '•- 1 -' ; -. ."■■'•"■ ■-■■ ■■:■'• ■•-■''• The Greytoouth "Scat" charges the usual advertising rates for the following joke: a • v* Wanted— -A Second-hand Child's Push Chair; good condition. But why «k "socond-hajid chUd's" chair? Why should advertiser assume that the push chair belonging to an adopted child should be m "good condition T" la it because "second-hand" children are not generally oJJowed to van such luxuries too freely t . ' •>■-.' ; • • The "Woman- in-Print" scribe on a contnmporary informs her fellow snobs £•«&«%*••: . . - • .-■ - Queen Mary la allegod to be so unwomanly as to insist on having an easily accessible pocket. PVaps. But why not say to whom it is "easily accessible" and wtaon? "Critic" wouldn't be last m the queue waiting to have "access" when the hour struck. • . ■.'•..■■ • ■■ A funny thing happened at ft company parade at Trentham camp, the other day. Sergeant-major gave « orders to "number." The recruits called* out their names thus: "Diamond.- "Hart," "Wright," -Bowert -— — , "Stop," shouted the S'major. "This is no blanky gaino of cords we're at. You four 'Jokers' tall out* and take your places at the foot of the line. Now, dress up there and begin again." So they began again: "Jack." "Queen," "King." Tho laugh was against tho sergeant-major, and when it died away, he said ho had a good mind to order all tho court cards to report for courtmartial. ■■-... • • '■ * If the cable-cobbler Is to be believed all Britain has gone dilly over Billy Hughes, and his name has become a household word. Yot six weeks after his arrival m London, iht "Daily Chronicle" hasn't pot the bang of his monnicker. It said: Mr.Wm, Morris, Prlmo Minister of Australia, will arrive back m London Id n few Oays. Better known as TSlllyr bo is 60 yoara of age, and was born m Wales. -Mr. William Morris r Such is fame! "Critic" always had a sort of suspicion that a lot of the gun* cabled out about Australians and New Zealonders— "The Brave Anzacs" — was so much birdlime. ■ ■ • • • - Time was when a man was "summat" In a community if he could ortord to buy up a block of buildings at one bid, but now the king "pea" plu to thinks nothing of buying a whole city before lunch. The "Financial News" announces: Rockefellers are Buying Reading, Or can it be that John D. is going to emulate Andra Carnegie m the dumpIng of libraries? Thwi of hhn it will be aaid. m the words of the poet: And now his private hobby 'tta To meet a gtarving people's need, By making gifts of libraries To those who never learned to read; Rich mental banquets be provides - For folks with fcrntebing iapidea! . '• .-• «■ • The hyphenated-editor of tho Milwaukee "Leader" m on elophnntlno effort at facetiouaness, states that Certain orchestral parts of Strauss' B "Alpine Symphony** sent from Germany to tho Now York Philharmonic Society, have not reached tholr destination, having b«en aeljwjd by the British Navy as secret codes. Tho titatemont, of course, is not to bo tolam aerlou»ly, but is intended as a ! Junker'a Joko. Even no, it is not original, but Ih merely a now veralon of what iii allegQd to ' hu.vo occurred to Sir ottof<?6 CUiittatjt Wui 4 - Un, ori^tnlst of Su Pan)'* C«iU>'odnt!, \vho«« death occurred th« oiliar dny. When Ujo South Afrle«n war broke out Sir G«orga wan m tho Tranaviuil oxrunlnlnw on bcltalf of the B.A.M. and ItO.M. Ono morningr it wiut onnouncod that ho had been srrestod ftt JohiinncsbwrK u« a opy. Sir George's to-plo nation Unit the myftorJou* pa pent m hin no&n&i»lt>a wcro muslcdl Hcorau was rl4ioul«d by tho noR-rou«ieftl How onieiflla. Then Oom faul rem«J»b«r«d that Xt/1 KraatMttUKhtcr was learning nuialtt, m iho doeumentt wer« jrubmltt>nl u> )utr. Bite d«dar«d the dooumenw coihblroU not n noio ot musio ond ihingii wore looKlng black for Sir Geortro when another rou«Jclan appdarInj? on the «cen«. cleared Up Oia my*. tery aiul had the "spy" r*l&ut*<l, It waa explained (hat the "»corw>*' ware Jn ih<j »o\-(* of which Mid* Kruger wn# ignorant, »ho having b«an taught puly »• old notation.

I . The editor, of the "Book Monthly" is also the liteniry writeiy on the London "Daily Chronicle." In one of his recent articles m the latter Journal, he tells us: ■ \-.- •■■;';•.• ' ' ■■ '..-■. Pact may, as the saying has it, be stranger than fiction, but fiction often "blazes the trail" for fiction. "Which is as truo as that drinking, whisky often leads to whisky drinking. •: "Critic" has observed, however, that flotlon often "blaxes the trail" for fact!- --•■•.• • ■ : v ' v That fiction often "blazes the trail** for foot is illustrated with marvellota fulness In a reconOissue of "ChamJournal.* In that magasine W. |Canon publishes a story which m alInost every detail anticipates the action vjn the Appam case^y. '% • '■"&<.' ■■ ■-. •■■■- ; The "Dominion," the other day, spate .Of , • ; • ■ ...... .'■■■" <§ The Hon. W. Hall- Jones, a former -;■ colleague of, Mr. Millar. Has the Square Deal dope distributor also succumbed to the insidious propaganda of the Anti-Utlo Uatng Society? If not, -why not the Hon. "Sir" W. HailJones. •. ■.".•• • According to the Sheffield veterinary inspector it takes half a gallon of whisky to make & cow intoxicated. Now "Crltio" understands why the semi-shikkered sojer who carried his doped mate on his back along Lorobton Quay t'other night, called his unconscious cobber a crimson* '.'cow,'* as he dumped him at last on a seat m Lamb ton Station. • '■-.'• ■■•....■ Here is an important and illuminating bit °* "war news; A Berlin message states that the German authorities are contemplat- * Ing drasUc legal curtailments of the saasago supply. "Critic" la certain no one, m time of war, ever before >sn»ag* Brapply*' ct^v up-to-date war nowa as we' are getting ' thoso times. Of coarse the great need of war economy makes It imperative ttvat British correspondents at Berne, and other neutral cities, should' go to the expense of cabling only news of vital importance. That* o the reason why the above message was cabled at the country's expense, PVaps, 9* ■ • ,• • According to an advert m the Greymouth "Evening Star," a labor-saving device has been discovered by a wot West Coast drapery firm that takes the bun, the biscuit and the soed-oake at Ojwguip. known — Black cashmero bfd'jees (self-embrofdered) 4s 3d. Blouses "solf-embroidored"! Soon w« will be having men's suits and women'tt costumes self -cut and self-sown. But what will the poor talloresa or eeamstress do to earn her tea arid toast then? If these ln.bor-Ba.vlni: devices continue to lricreaso m number and otUcloncy, soon wo folks will have nothing to do but find employment for thoso things that make employment unnecessary I Some years ago, tho late W. E. Glad* stone, while ov a speechifying tour of Midlothian, referred to Scotland as tho "Land o* tho Leal." Although flattered with Uiq compliment contained m ttoe wordis, Scotsmen disclaimed tholr country'a rigiit u> such a title, ana mntott that the Grand Old Man was bortloring on blasphemy In bo designating it. Tb* Rev. Norman McLean, howovor, is not so punctilious. Ho frankly declares that Sootland, especially the northern portion thereof, is Paradise. Writing In a London paper on the depopulation of tho rural districts of Scotland, which despicable policy tho lairds still persist m, and speaking of tho peasant driven from his healthy country homo to U» unhealthy city slums, ho says: Thay topic tho earth from him; they took tho sunlight from him; they took the air from him; they darkened the moon and stars for him—until, at last, they look God Himself from him. And it has all boon 00 cunningly wrought that he la all unconscious that ho has been driven out of Paradise. That Is the essence of the grim tragedy. And this is going on, oven as ft hundred years ago, while the sons of the Gael, m tho garb of tho old Gaul, are fighting and falling for their country 2 Tb* irony of It, •• ■ • SATAN RESIGN& This Is how a "Rip Saw" bard dosoriboa the momentous doctolon taken by the Devil to abdicate: Tbo Devil nat by tho lake of Ore, on a pit© of sulphur koga: His head was bo\r<Mi upon his breast, his toil between hla less, A look of shame wan on hla face, th# «puxk« dripped from bis eyos. He had acm bla resignation to tht throno above tho skies. "I'm down and out." tho devil n\A «md wild It with a. »b— "There arc others that outclass ms, and 1 want to quit my Job; Hell tan't m it with th* fend that U«s along tho Rhine, I'm old and out of date, and, therefor* I rwdga. "One Kropp munition mAktr, with his bloody *hot and obeli Knows raoro about damnation than nil tho imps of hell; Glvo my job to KaJmt BUI, or Fardi- •« n*mi, tho Cmr, Or to Suitftn AJbol Harold, or •om« soon man «t wax, **f baU to tcaro tfio old home, riifl spot j fro lov»d so'woU; I But I /««! that rm not u»-to-d*t« In th» I art of running hell!" And th* devil ujwu a squirt of steam at a brimstone burnblo twN». And muttered, 'Tffl ouiciasaed by HataaaaUsm 4*ril«7l"