The Critic

NZ Truth, Issue 568, 6 May 1916, Page 1

The Critic

11l Wfeo em uMdamrted brovo Urn Critl«Ai rage, I*l II Or not* unmoved kt« mootion hi th* Criiicfe pao*, I;^ Pairmde his error hx the pabiio ey^ . I », And Motbw Gwwd/s rae* drfyf )l'\

It is Germany's Right of Might against the Allies' Might of Bight •■ • ..' '■ ■'" • ■■•'.. ■■■' • ■ '.•..".•" Demos: A plastic plug that makes himself dirty providing dean money for superior people, ■ / ■" ■• • . :', • • Honor: A quality given by Nature which vain men sacrifice to obtain m effigy from a King. • ■-.;. . ■•.•■. • The cross-head, "Determined Charge," m a contemporary had no reference to the landlords' demand for Increased renta. •■•.•- ■ - ■ • ■■.•..■ The fool made a feast and invited his friends. That was natural, but it wasn't wise. It isn't natural to be wise —man was intended to be happy. •• ' # A mouse m a loaf of bread was the direct cause of Health Commissioner Young, of Chicago, closing a bake shop. The owner said the presence of tlie mouse was «*«"> to spLLn on the part of his employees. More sabotage! >"ivertisoment from a morning contemporary: Wanted to Exchange, 2 Single Bedsteads for Doable, good condition. Is this an indication of the approach Ing winter or is it merely another ebullition of war-time economy? • • • Some of the London papers are dropping the inverted comma h (t *) when quoting the name of a contemporary. This is likely to lead to serious misunderstanding. Suppose the "Daily News" should talte to quoting the poeta and regale its readers with the following verse: The world 1b a bundle of hay; Mankind are the asses who pull; Bach tugs m a different way, And the greatest of all la— John Bull. Now, wouldn't Horatio Bottomley make 'em stand wide?

"All things come to them that wait." but he who doesn't wait gets them first. ' ' • : : ..■•■■:. • . ';■ The capitalist Is the TitßHtffr magician. He extracts vast wealth out of an Impoverished working-class! ' A middle-aged, rather brusque gentleman recently entered one of our toa rooms, and was Immediately pounded upon by an eager "waitress," "And what might be your pleasure, air?" she inquired, coyly. "My pleasure's my own affair," he replied, somewhat testily, "bat I've come inshore for a cup of tea." • • • The Berlin papers announce that To date the German Federal Government has paid out to soldiers' wives and families separation allowances amounting to £130,000,---000-—<tfl m paper. Wonder if these "scraps of paper" will receive the proverbial Germ- nun treatment after the war? • • v • It was an amateur boxing carnival, and a raw-boned slab of a young "feUey** /was one of the contestants. The scratch events were fixtnred by a local stoosh authority. "Oh, O'Grasb, we'll have to give you a pretty good man. He's a hard hitter and you'll have to 'watch him. You'll be pitted .. ." "Oh, thill wid him. Bring lh' mahn owt. bring urn out an' doan' be taakln' so much,'* said O'Grash. Alter the four rounds were over the "hard hitter" was taken to the dress-ing-room for certain necessary repairs received at the hands of the "felley" from Olreland. As O'Grash ■pat an indication of Injury to bts mastication- box m the sawdust, be said to the M.C, "Now, yo can go on' pltty th' uther f alley. 01 kin pltty meself if it's wanted." • • • A crowd of buahfallers'of mixed nationalities were connnod to their whare owing to heavy rain, and started to discuss politics, science, art and music, la order to ptum tho time. Thore were no eerfous differences until the subject of music came on the tapis. Then an Italian and a German nearly eamo to blows as to which of their reapoctlvo countries was pro-eminent as producer* of musicians. At last they were Induced to nrbitrat©, and a eannld Scot watt asked to give his decision In order to «etUe the question onco for alt. "Hut whit la tho oxeet Question ye wuhnt mat to decide?" queried the Scot. The question wiu» Uien put tut follow*: "Whether do«H Germany or Italy turn out tho moat musicians." "Weel" began {Sandy, "All admit & dlnna keu, but efu»r ma experience o' German bauna an' Itatinn organ grinders, Ah say that neither Germany nor Italy cood bo blamed If they turned oot every damned musician thoy badl"

From the "NJZL Times" we learn that: Colonel XA>gnn, Administrator of j Samoa, m his weekly report on the health of the garrison there, states that Private L. Thomas, is »nJw j treatment for phlobitis. i -Phlebitis"! They generally do! , It is announced that the Kaiser ha: conferred the Iron Cross on Baroi Sthenck, the German largesse expert ii Athena, and on the naval attache i Baron von Granoy, for his "signal" ser vices to the German military authority No one is likely to quarrel with the description of Von Graney's servlcea while. Iron Cross or no Iron Cross Baron Sthenck win remain aa much i Sthenck as ever! - The London "Daily News' inform; us that: - The largest painting la the world la one by. Tintoretto, ln*he Doge's Palace at Venice. It represents a view of Heaven, and is 3a%ft high I by 84ft. wide, 'iff. the wowsers were to be man's flna j judge It would be quite biff enougl to accommodate all who ■ would b< likely to get there, .■: ■' ■■. ■-■•.•■ ■•. : '' ■ • ;'. .-.•'■ 'Murka, which raises Its hands h horror at the Lusitania disaster (i also raises Injuns' scalps when there 1 a price attached to them), also obey His will. The latest list of lynching: mentions that "thereVwere only thre< women." Only three Women! Wha is merciful 'Murka /coming to?. We ma: expect to see a measure brought m ti the Senate to abolish the decorUcatloi of Injun's thought-boxes, together wit! an anti-lynching movement shortly if merrie 'Murka. "gets religion" so ba< and hard that It can record the "only 1 suspension and bullet-riddling of thro ladies.' ,- .■ ■- , -■■-■■ •/.' : : . "■■■ -•:. '■' ■•;. •'. '' ' * '".. Some papers have a. strange way o describing the murders which are th result of Germany*B desire for *'worl< power." Thus tho "Kumara Times:" TJia Turkish Third Array suttered picturesque collapse while gathering forces at Melaakeat to strike a blow at the Russian centre, "Picturesque collapse!" That put "Critic* m mind of a certain parson*) Bon who went away with the mall body. He described the first brush h the vicinity of the Ldttle Ditch am spoke of a Turk who had been hit Both his Iggs had been shot off am were lying beside him. "He looke< lovely," said the son of the follow® of the lowly Nazarene who taugh * r Peace on Earth, good will towardi men." What would Christ "hav< thought had He read this Christiai sentiment of a bod of the manse? 'John' Hop" officialdom down Christ church way, worked itself into a pic turesquo knot the other day whei news trickled through to headquarter) that oa up-country "3ohu Hop** wb< crossed the rural . horizon to Berve i summons a day or two previously, hsu not come home again. A couple o troopers were sent out from the fla 1 city for the purpose of dry-blowin{ the locality of the loss, but befon they had scoured much of the country the prodigal policeman rode home quit) unconcernedly and spat surprise 01 learning that his obituary notice wouli soon have been under process of pre< para ti on. The explanation seems U be that the "John Hop," on arriving ai his destination, and ascertaining thai tho object of his search had gone t< talk politics with the next door neighbor, 25 miles away, wisely sat dowi and waited until the "bloke" returned It was quite an ordinary thing for t way-back policeman to do, but it'« healthy nevertheless, to think thai headquarters appreciate their met sufficiently to bustle about a bit or their behalf when the circumstance* spell probable danger. • • • Irene Osgood, & woman of "proputty* m Hold Hongilng, who advocate equality of the sexes, and claims thai women can do as well as men In any branch of human activity, says: I was motoring tho other day m the Black Country — that blotch on the fair face of England-— and I saw the chain-making women of Cradloy Heath plying their blacksmith trade at their anvils, swinging heavy hammers, and forging chains link by link. Tho work turned out by these women is as good oa that of tho man, and tbo employers toll mo that the women are far more steady and industrious. They rarely, if ever, "go on the booKc," and so much m earnest axo they about their duties towards their f&xniUest, that they will work at their anvil* right up to within half an hour of their confinement. Apparently, Ireno thought such an Instance not only a proof of womon'n equality of ability, but of her nuporlority. Her Idea of sex equality U evidently 000 that ailowa her and other women -of "proputty" freedom to tour the country on on equality with mnJe*, of their own pjurtloulor class, while the women of tho working cUuw shall bo freo to compoto with their fathers, brothers, lovers and husbands, for tho right to toll to product) the wealth thai Mlv« Gsgood and her eUws, moto and tenuilo, aquandtir. and that the working cUiuh woman «l)oll b« "fxoa" to toll uj» «o "within half an hour of her conlinorneni! ThJ» »ort ot equality of tliu B^t««i will oot take tlj* »-ac« any 'Torrariter." Kot only ruuKt (Ul women have tho equality of opportunity with man to produce wealth, but they muat alao have freedom to hold and enjoy that wcxUth without fear of dxplolumioa by feroalo para#li«4 any more than from mala KKplolterx.

A "John Hop" In Birmingham is named Light. "Critic" can. imagine the raucous drunk, during Zeppelin, season, being- led to durance a&deingIng: ; Lead kindly Light amidst the encircling gloom, Lead thou me on. ' \ ' • ■ c . ■"■# "Critic" was helping his little boy with his arithmetic the other night. The little fellow stuck at the problem, "How many are two and seven 7" So, to help' him. "Critic" turned to his 75 per cent and said: •'Mother, if you had two sovereigns and I gave you other seven, what would you have?* "Hysterics.** replied Mum. .■«*■*«*>* .. / % c. .. . .c ■ - '; c■' ■ . . An unsophisticated fellow advertises m the Wairarapa "News": For sale one seven year old gelding. Broken all harness. "Broken all harness V That "is no doubt a most excellent' reason for selling the brute, but Is scarcely likely to induce others to buy. • ' ' ♦ ■; \' V- '■• .' c ■■: The following advert from the London "Accountant 1 * is illuminating m more ways than one: r A.OA. (30), with good general experience, but now m the' Army, and having a considerable amount of spare time, would undertake audits or other work for London firm. "A considerable amount of spare time!** Apart from this self-exposure of a "money grubber," does the abovo not give a lead to tho Minister of Munitions as to certain idle hands that might be utilised to augment the outputt .: ' '' ' •■• ■■■ .. •■- ' ■■.-,.;>..■ . „ . The gatheremup of variorums . of news from the Anf>my press told us the other day that Owing to the shortage of paper, halfpenny newspapers m Hungary must not now exceed J* pages weekly, while penny newspapers must not exceed 98 pages, phis space for 65 per cent of advertiseA paper consisting of an odd number of pages would be something of a curiosity, but that apart it would seem from the above that the pinch-penny press In Hungary issue "some" paper! • • • The Bishop of Manchester thinks that the secret of happiness lies m having a sufficiency of worries: The man with one worry generally worries himself Into the lunatlo asylum. But the man who has so many worries as to have no time to dwell on them can be a perfectly happy man. If the Bishop, unlike the average physician, is willing to partake of his own prescription, he can have "Critic's" worries to help add to his happiness, and he knows a lot of other people who are willing to admit that m this instance it is more blessed to give thftn to receive, and are willing to risk the fate of the man with one worry. • • c Even the enomy beareth witness. The "Glasgow Herald," a high-toned toney Tory paper, referring to the trouble among tho workers on the Clyde, says: There is no doubt that even with his increased wages, were it not for his over-time money, such is the increase m the cost of living, that the average worker would be worse off than when he was earning the lower wages prevalent before the war..' •■■•..- ■ Thus the words of the poet are Justified who placed it on record that: When the noble British worker Gets his hands on solid toil, He must never be a shirker Though he gathers little spoil; For to keep his British freedom And to earn his paltry pay, (Just enough to clothe and feed *lm) He must "yakkor" night and dayi • • • "Critic" haa been asked: "What books would you recommend for different people?" Well, here's some to be goIng on with: For the Kaiser (after the war la over), Leaage's "The Devil on Two Sticks," or Calne's "Devil In Solution." For the Farmers* Union Rifle Brigade, which Is "composed of hardy, oxporiencod busbrnen and good shots" (vide press), Bennett's "(H)ugo," or Walford'a "The Stay at Homes." -""•'For the bench which «entonoed Alice Parkinson to the "term of her natural life," Galsworthy's "JuaUce." For tho exponent* of Gennhunry, Munro'n ("Said") "DottHts and Super-Beasts." For Sykea, M.P, Kaufman's "Do Something, B© Something," For Bill Maseey, wndo'a "Tho Importance of Being fiarnese." For certain Royal Commissions, Poo'm "Talon of Mystery and Imagination." For Mrs. Risque (travelling w» Mr. and Mrs, Quietly), Vateey'a M A Honoymoon Jn Hiding." For a certain member of the Royal Family who foil from his homo a short timo ayo, Valxcy'a "How Ltko the KJnjp," For tho man about to marry a boavyweight widow, Korr-Smi ley's "The Peril* of Horae Role," The advocate of tnunlcipalteation of food o ruffs, Rev. Robinson's "Co-operation with God." For Rua, Greener's "f ho Breechloader s and Hovr to U«o II." For UiOJie who f b«j«ev<i 1« iflrUi ltavln^ -a po<xt Un« m tho reacue homo, I^wlorlcha'a '"Tbo Rotnanco of the HolvaUon Army." For S Jtwnafo Ailon. Shaw'a "Arm» and the ; Man. 1 ' For th«j wowwrr, Twe«iftlo'« [ ' "}lyi>ocrlie» and SinnerM." Tbo divoreo | potltloncr, Hftrfii "I, Tbou and tho 5 Other One." The conlrnan, Couchmnji'a I ' "HI Warw You" (uo price montioned). i The groat iUvorco apecialtet, PiU'n "Tlie j ' Co«it(a) of a MUtaW For everybody j onumcratftd aod unonumtfrated m tht« ■ , I Lot, wowwera and blockheadii not cotcopiod, *^Cruth, n prJoe ttureepeno* weak- \ ] i* ■ I

■■ ' J .. . • ~ " ■■ "Haasum" writes: Say, •'Critic," the season for roasted chestnuts seems again m full owing-. Some folk set 'em -: at the little fruiterer's at the corner, while others patronise Fullers' vaudeville. Don't joke un-."Jew ft -ly about the Jews or you'll be getting "Jew"- c Jitsued tor blackleg^ing. Your^Jew"pleeelty jibe didn't give the devil 3ua ••Jew:** •., <: '■' • a:s v ' • The "Sydney. Moaning •EwlUT* ha* ■ the following advt,' m Its cohnnna: Adult Deal Lluto Sorviotv Con- ' gregatlonal School roonv -Fi»H*£ ; 7 pan. Mr. J. ThoTniffifffl, "Critic* would like to know if Boot&'s Tarn' and Bible Banff Brigade couldn't arrange to have a thumplesa drum aad* noiseless trombone brigade to play m front of his sanctum m. place ofwhat la used at present -■■> ' • • . • Miss Dormer Maunder, who is acting as -a, hospital matron m Fiance, writing to friends m New Zealand, says: One of the Belgian Ministers came m to see me soaking wot, covered with 'mud and with 'long, com ; boots on. - She mnst toave cut a pretty figure m such an original rlg-outi Or 1a the fair Dormer only "Maunderin'3" ' '•■'■■■■'• - • • The cable-cobblers ©a the day-Ik* inform us that: ■ .< Owing to the large amount of cloth used under prevailing styles m women's dress m Germany, German military authorities have «all- ; ed a conference to consider tho influencing j of more economical styles m regard to the consumptloa of cloth, m the future. If har<» neceasltjrahould drive New Zealand ladies to emulate then* German prototypes. "Cxitta" is afraid thatit will bo a case of "bare by necessity." Or perhaps they could follow the example sot by Maid Manty^ 4^ described m the procedmgpar. • • • OLD LOVE& Tia m the dread and dark of night their fomu steal through my roomSome, RmtMTi g ) pass Dice mist away and vanish m the gloom; Some look with pitying pain at me and some with vain regret. And one has that within her eyes which memory cant focget For liil had cheeks like damask silk and eyes ltko fairy pools; Her glance would rob men of their will* and make of eagea—dfools; She went— l cant remember how— twas after Roalo came, 4 "With, lips of scarlet, tooth like pearls and cheeks with blush aflame. The langorous summer nights we spent, enthralled by-' Cupid's «*Vh»tith^ When all too late, (the, woke to fate, and sobbed within my arms. Then Nita came across my path (Td tired of beauteous Rose), Her dusky cheeks were like the clouds where sunset radiance glows. We drank the lusty wine of Life; we sang sweet Hedon's sungi What cared we for the Meeting days if but the nights were long? But Pate, m mapping out my course, had marked mo with a coxae,, For. Misery my mother waa. Remorse my Foster-nurse. One can but curse In savage grief when woman's honor gripe; Though Jealousy had seared sty soul yet Honor sealed my lips. I knew that when her husband came and stole my sweot brunette, Tfce joys of yesterday are but tomorrow's vain regret. LOce old dead dreams their voices are j that murmur through my bxato, As if they'd lived m ancient days la antxea subterrene. So Nina went und Lucy came, with subtle grace and eharza. I feel her kisses on my lips- -Love's token sweet and warm. And then camo gentle, little Ben, with trusting eyca of blue; Her innocence was all her guile. 09a Ood I never knew The worth of all her simple ways, her Ignorance of sin. That I bad mated with my soul — the secret lust within! 'Twas when Td set hor llttlo toot upon the wayward road. She heard the voice** of tho world, abo felt the snoora which goad; "Oh, do not let mo fall," she prayed. I loft her—and »bo fell I For Last and Innocence had sent her down the road to itelL I lost her and I found relief m Lauris*s limpid glance; I drifted down the «trwun of life, and ' love was loft to chance. Ono night, within tho nUhy street, 1 found poor little Belli Too late I knew that Lov» and Fat* had sent her down to Bell. Her will wot weak, her lore was gtrong, •he'd forfeitad her soul: True tovo waa her Cairo guiding star and motb«rbood ber gon); For when the Jewel had been gold f or J'analon'n -worth lean droftit. Too late t learned tho d<wd Fd done and knew the awful low. That* why I me* them oomo and go— > those pbontom» m the room; Thafii why her eye* look utranjr* aod wild and vantfth m tho gtoom; Ah, vain regret tb« day I Mt bar footstep* out to Hellla haunting dreama it always wwaa I M» jwor mO« BeCl