The Critic.

NZ Truth, Issue 509, 20 March 1915, Page 1

The Critic.

Who can. undaunted brave the Critic's rage, Or note unmoved his mention In th« Crltlc't pase, Parade his error In the public aye, . . . And Mother Grundy'a rage dffy? • . ■-.'- "■.-. ......

The Australian Anthem — "Dry, dry, dry again:" #•, • ' Two things that could be well spared: Epithets and epaulets. * » • The Bear m Borlih w\U make a I of a difference to the Germans. Tho bear idea i« giving Hans the nlghtbare l * • • The Kaiser- calls loudest upon Gott, but tho British got first at the Vatican. Now the Kaiser may do vat 'c can. ' • • • Bankrupt and beaten, Germany, Vid noddlns m dor till, May have to pay indemnity With a dishonored Bill, # • • If there was a trifle less red tape and a little more blue ribbon about some of our Government departments, fewer Civil Servants would be qualifying for the whito trousers. * * * A writer m a Labor paper refers to thcNvorklng class as a congregation of "mules." He Is wrong. Mules are not so docile, besldos they are Bterilo hybrids and do not reproduco themselves. The Jackass, howover, is a thoroughbred and his progeny are always true to type. ♦ * • Ho was a news-vendor with an appreciation of the relative value of things He boarded the train as it moved out towardH Wairnrapa and shouted out " 'Winning Poof " nnd. after ;v pause nnd m n. minor key "or 'Lven-. ing Post.' " A distinction with a difference. .

The Turkey didn't know she was being made game of until the Yarman Eagle had her bagged. # # * It Is not the French offensive that troubles the Germans so much as the offensive French and his contemptible littlo army. Hon. 'Davft.Hnll, the Is'bo Sou' Wales Labor Attorney-General having mulcted the Noo Sou' Labor paper m a large sum for Hbel, the suggestion Is made that the application of spelling reform to his monnlcker would put It just about right. The Hon. Davo Haul is not such a "1" of a difference as it looks. • . • • A backblock contemporary refers to a champion Romney ram as The property of Mr. Ernest Short, a» magnificent example of this breed. If this is true Ernest need never be Short. • • • - It was a sedate old Scotsbytcrian minister who shocked his congregation by unblushingly asserting There's a laddie awa' there m the gallery klssin' a lassie. When he's . dune Ah'll begin. Begin what? *■■ « • The cautious Scot somo more. At Dumbarton <wi - ' "■' ' v« a lunatic was up before the shorlff for having a bit of a scrap and biding bits of furniture at another lunatic until he laid him out for dead. The sheriff ordered tho accused* to be' detained pending an Inquiry into the prisoner's mental condition. ♦ ■ • • The Clutha "Leader" tells us that: Consequent on the rise In prices of all commodities, tho threshing mill owners of Rruoe nnd Clutha have agreed to slightly raise tho raten for threshing nnd chuff-cut-ting. 'Tho wages of the poor patient proletarian plugs who work tho threshing mills will remain at the old low figure. • • • Says tho London "Times": Engineers and firemen on tho western railway* of tho United States hnvo threatened to Htrlko unl«M their demands for Increased wages nnd other reforms ore not grunted. Any old reason !« kooA rnouirh for * strike, but, surely, the above itf the most original vet.

Perish Policy and Personal Spleen let the people know the "Truth." # # * Kaiser Wilhelm: Your English proverb say. "Vere dere's a vlll, dero's a vay." I nms ze Vill. • • • Wanted from the Palmerston North paper: Wanted Known. — Any person wanting soil, can take same away from site of Abraham and Willlams'a new office site, Rangltikoii street. Apply to Sollitt Bros. Is this the latest dodge to got round tho navvies* or building trades laborers' award and get the foundation of their new premises dug for nothing? * * t Some medical men are very punctilious m their exactions. Tno "Medical Journal" published across tho Tasman, says: Tho death of an infant/from "convulsions," without further explanation, can never be wholly satisfactory. Como to think of it, m these days of Race Suicide, tho death of an infant, even with a mile of explanation, "can never be wholly satisfactory." *# , * It is said to be a dangerous thing to bo caught pending, but that liko every I other decent rule has its exception. The Glasgow "Evening Kows" informs us <\ A wireless message Ims been received here from tho liner, New York, reporting that while m a dense fog she was struck a glancing i blow abaft tho bow by tho steamer Pretoria. Tho New York was I stooping at the time, and the shock | was only slight. i * • • ' ' A German paper pretends to have discovered m an l-Jngllsh school book the following essay on "Tho CoW: ■ The English cow Ikib a very nice ; time of it. for aho always has the run of the pasture. The German \ cow, however, has to stand all day m her s\all m the barn, and is only j once In a whilo led up and down the road a hit by a boy who novor lots go the rope that is tied about her horns. Now, would you rather bo a Gvrman cow or an English cow? They're both cows, anyway! <• •. • Thus "Coocnddln's Kenlie"; — " 'Critic' likes his joko about tho 'nearness' of tho ScotH, but what docs ho think of tho following clipping from a London paper: Tho city of Glasgow heads tho lint of contributing cities to tho Helgiuui Fund. In addition, tho City Council has chartered a Lclth and Hamburg packet stenmer to bo sent immediately to Belgium os a food ship. Among tho provisions to be sont are 1000 tons of flour, tho Sift of tta« Otty Council. i Tho tneon BeoCs again? t fancy, 'Critic,' the Keolica aro no' sue tvaurl ;

A -wealthy Hungarian, -who died rocontly, bequeathed all his fortune to his twelve draught horses. After all, this is more sensible than at .first sight appears. Many a rich man leaves his fortune to one ass. ■. ♦ . • ♦ Kitchener has said that Britain will prosecute war "till the last man." Wonderful the competition among our chin-wagging and pen-pushing: patriots to secure the honor of being the man referred to by K. of K. *. # • ' A contemporary informs all whom It may concern that the Russian Monk, Rasputin, "started life as an illiterate peasant." Rasputin was no doubt distinguished above his fellows. Most of us are content to start life as illiterate babies. ..... # m A "Kiltie," writing 1 to the Glasgow "Weekly Mail," says that when the Tommies fraternised with tho Germans on Christmas Day, one of them asked him: "Vos yous as fed up vld der vor as ye voa?" The "Kiltie" admits that he replied, "Ye vos." •• ■ • It is now claimed that the Kaiser's speedy recovery from his recent illness was duo to "Christian Science and the laying of hands." "Critic" opines he will be cured of his military mania when General French performs the "laying on of hands" stunt. ,:• * * A Christchurch paper reported that since the war began the young women m Paris are taking the places of men on' tho street cars, which led to a facetious lady remarking that "they'd do It here, but the men are too tit-man-nered to get up." ''<' m ■ • ■ ■. • ■ * Reporting: a Serious flre v m AupklAhd the othcp.-day > f;^>^li^n^^{ift.' >M ttmeß" declared that it was a "big fire" and The total loss is " ten/ thousand ponds. "Critic" assumes that if they hadn't lost so many "ponds" they, might have used them to keep the flre from becoming so "big." * .# ♦ There must bo a fow Sherlock Hojmeaes among the Allies. The "New Zealand Times" told us the other morning that. In trying to join his regiment,, a, x German reservist disguised as a woman was betrayed by his large "Adam's Apple." Ho lost his corps, but, no dpubt, he got tho pip. # # • According to tho official German account tho reason why Von Hindenburg has not taken Warsaw is because ho has been suffering from gout for the last three weeks.— News item. Tho reason why ho didn't put Tho Russians to rout. Is that Von Hlndenburg's best foot Had gotten of the gout; Though sceptics scoff and say that it's An> excuse very lame, Yet everyone, perforce^ admits At least ono fool was game. t» « • Some lawyers nre very informative. There was much speculation as to the value of Brown's property, and the gossip of tho Burburban township sot about to find out tho facts. He hunted up tho lawyer, and. after a fow pr«llmInnry remark* about tho deceased, ho wild rather bluntly: "I suppose you made Brown's will?" "Yes," "Then you probably know how much ho left Would you mind telling mo?" "Not at all," tho lawyer answered, as he rcßumed his writing, "ho left everything he bad." ♦ • « The "backbone" of tho country «x---pects a lot for its money, but "Critic" fancies that the "Cockle" responsible for tho following advert., clipped from the "Dominion" is after a lot more than ho's entitled to. WANTED, Companion-Help, small farm, country, able to ride and milk cow occasionally. Particulars, "Country," "Dominion" Otnce. Looks as if the future farm worker m order to qualify for his or her Job, will have to servo on apprenticeship m a circus. * » • The Hunterville "KNpreps" emphatically declares To-morrow will be obfiorved as a whole holiday to-morrow m Hunterville, on account of the school excursion to Castlecllff.' Why ao positive? Wore the waybacks of HuntervlUe likely to think that tomorrow's holiday would bo held, lust month on account of tho school excursion next week, "Critic" could understand tho "Rxpress" being so oxproialy emphatic about it. • • • "Critic" clips tho following from a contemporary: MACNJCOU— A daughter of Duncan Macnlcol, who died at Mayfleld. Auckland, Now Zealand, on November 3, 1901, agod 4<J yearn, wishes to correspond with relative*. Apparently thoro were no Macnlcola whore that reel lons daughter of old Duncan woni to on her demise, and now, after a bnker'a doxon of yonm, faellni? lonely. «he wlehos to open up correspondent* with old nequnlntanceN on earth. Thiw »houl<l gtsuMcn tho , hcurt of Sir Oliver Lotlße nnd confound his critics completely,

A school teacher named Alma Blaokv was dismissed by the IllinolH Educa* tlon Board for telling her pupils that hell was a fable; And quite right, too. How could she be so stupid when the greatest armies the 'world has evet» seen are proving daily that hell's a re* ality? * *. * A oontemporary invites any of It^ readers to go * Through the Valley of Shadow* With Miss Florence Turned "Crltio" thought that Florence coul^ hay« got a suitable companion for th^ Journey, without advertising for one* * * * . Mr. PhiUp Rasche, a German taildrj floated upright m the Thames, from Lambeth Bridge/ to.: VauXh&U Bridg* recently Jn a speqjal pneumatio cos-* tume he has invented. ; He Bmoked. cheroot, ate and drank as he moVec^ along-- the water. Most people- woyUI. consider tt rather Rasche to hava 4 PhiHp under such conditions. ■ - • ■ „•■■' '•. 'Twas that great 'Murkan, Horaco Greeley who said: . ; The darkest., "hoity*. in any man's; career is that wherein h* first fancies that there is" an easier way oit ■ gaining a dollar than by squarely earning it. : _ . Tes. but the lives of the TrusJ mag« nates of Horace's; Jiatlvo country pine* Horace's unsophifitßfoted day go ti.lohtf" way to prove the truth, of that old aawi "It's darkest before- the, dawn!" • ■ '': : Jt „.■...;„■:.• t. Matilda Squeer, sentonc«d at tb^ Liverpool Police Court for drunken* ness, has over a hundred such convict tioifs recorded against her. When Bh4 was' first chargtJa in©' was an exoep* tlorially comely .vijuhgwoman, .but ho\4 her face is that of the habitual iopeiv — News item. Matilda Squeer grew fond of beer* And, 10, the red, red rose Forsook her cheek, but. woo to speaH^ It settled on her nose. # • • The cookery expert on "The Lady" very correctly remarks that In polity sassiety When ices aro given at a dinner it is usual to liave them, but not "",' otherwise. "',. l' "\\\. :!...'', Just the same up: at, Harry's, ■When •amanhegs is not given ior breakfaJM it Is usual to go without, not otherwise. But when steak is given at dinner twic« running, Tom and Dlck'B missuses says :, "Jever! 'Arry must be on tho waters wagon this week." m ¥ H THE SHORTIES. ' Many thousands of young men, vr\\4 have offered themselves aa recruitp, though otherwise physically fit. hava been refused by tho military author! -« ties because they fall short of to« Army standard as to height and oh«sV measurement. — Daily papers. Some blokes Is tall, an' some 1a ohoor^ An' somo is tall acrost', But it's enough to niako mo snort, 'Cause this war mlghtrbo lost While whips o* blokes o' five feet near« Is snoored at by tho 'ortlea— Britannia can't afford 9o Jeor At strong-backed, strapping Shortlosti Thore's Boojer Brown, whose fouf* feet eight, Can carry Ms two-eighty, An' that's wot tall man Long woulfl rate As summftt rather weighty; An' Long, -when flghtln 1 with tha foe^ An* makln' desp'rate sorties, Is bendln* o" 'is nappor low To Jlst the height o* Shorties. Why should them fools m Parliament Our courago count by Inches? Tho error o* such argument This ono of mlno ijuro clinches— Among tho many noble 'Tegs." Who claim their placo at Court m, Though some may walk on higher leg«i King Jordle's 'mong tho Shortleal Now do they Avant thoe© lanky laa» As marks for Hana and Hermann? ! Or must a man fill all tholr fads 'Fore he can stouslua Gorman? \ With heads orect and chest blown ou| ; (Those chests arq near tho fortles)< Tho foe won't ho trio nrut to flout ' The King's Own Royal Shorties. There's little Bobs, who's just pa««e4 out— 'B weron't quite no pliant;' An 1 w'en '« went tho fo© to clout. You found *im nolf- reliant, | Kor who no bravely biffed our foesT (Reward of all «uoh nortlos) — Then wherefore turn yo up your noai At Btlff-nockod, sturdy Shorties? Now there wan old Nap Bonypart," '13 wero no bloomln* glartt; An* yet *o give tho world a start, # An' faced them nil. defiant. So Rive a «hanco to four-fect-nlnOj My tnllinfftary Sportles, An* ble«« tho day you formed !n.lta» Tho ring-tailed roaring flhortles. So here* irood luck to «U1 bravo *oy% Though nhort may l>o their fiifUMtf In fivery walk they mnke * noiao An grc^it nt many bljrger: And poon upon IHn bMtlftfleKJ Thoy'll prox*« *\wM dlnkum roHlej^ Th© Hun will run. nr «UuUy yield I To tho «tnwfc atohborj* flhortle4<