HIS DUTIES

NZ Truth, Issue 509, 20 March 1915, Page 5

HIS DUTIES

"Only These and Nothing More" The night porter m a Perth pub has' chucked his job. This is the why of it. In addition to serving drinks from the bona fide bureau m the corridor to after-hour shlckerers, he had many other duties to perform; But the Boss couldn't see how he put m the whole night. "I want you to give me an idea of what you have to do all night," said the Boss. "Right said the night porter, and he put them on paper. Hero they are: — DUTIES. 11 p.m.: Wean the sparrers from the spenders and get them outside. 11.30: Tell the spender it is five minutes past eleven, and this must be the grand finale. Midnight: Warn them that this must

be the positively last round. 12.15 a.m.: Warn them again. j 12.30: Hide the pen and Ink and paper from intending chit-signers. Inform them that they can borrow from Tom Ryan. 12.45: Let In a married couple who arrive without luggage. Names : Mr. and Mrs. Jones. 1 a.m.:' Tell tho noisy civil servant who wants to cash a cheque that the boss is sick upstairs, arid is being massaged by the missus. 1.15: Let m a bunch of actors who have been dining a la carte at the coffee stall. j 1.30: Another positively last round of drinks. Tho actors are In this self-in-vited. 1.40: Let m another married couple named Brown/with a string bag and a t polly bottle of whisky. I 1.50: Star boarder* arrives with about five friends and a -crayflsJlJo ■-■;?>■ - | 2 a.m.: Decline to serve them on the securltyof the crayfish. 2.16: A shilling- m and the winner takes the crayfish. (Tho actors are at this time busily engaged studying the pictures on thofwall.) . 2.30: Civil servant, who 1b a volunteer officer, takes the names of all present for enlistment. 2.45: Rcfuso admittance, to a perfect lady and a sleepy drunk who have "Just missed the Inrst train to Nor'^ West." 3 a.m.: A policeman arrives and taken the names of all strangers present — Sir Harry Barron, Sir Edward Wittenoom, A. B. Morgans, Bishop Rlley, the Rev. Wheatluy, Sam Copley, Tom Molloy, and Brother Tregenr. 3.15: Target practice nt portrait of Kaiser, with crayfish as ammunition. 3. H0: Married couple, who don't know each other's names, refused on general principles. Lady threatens to consult J. B. Mills, while gentleman unlaces his boots and sleeps on the kerb. 3.45: Positively the last, round of drinks, the actors having been Invited to stop them from telling yarns that I nobody listens to. 4 a.m.: Tho humorist of tho party hits the gong and wakes the sleeping policeman on the sofa. 4.15: After all have gone to bed, Mrs. Brown comes down for another polly bottle of whisky. 4.30: Three sleepy cockles come downstairs under the Impression that it is milking time. It is— with whisky. 4.45: Cries of robbery from No. 179(1. Mr. Jones has woke up and failed to recognise his own wife. 5 a.m.: Morning pupor 5.10: Permanent boarder arrives home. Missed last train from MundarIng, and walked. Thousands wouldn't. 6.20: Ask the policeman on duty If ho feels thirsty. Latter has a crayfish. (A pint sucked through the leg of v cravflsh.) * 5.20: Tell the housekeeper to put more Lea ami Perrlns m tho cruets. 5.45: Tell the pretty housemaid that it is safer to knock and put the tea down outside the slur boarder's door. 6 a,m.: Ring bell lo tell everybody to go back to their own bedrooms. — "Dryblower," m Perth ''Sunday Times."