The Critic.

NZ Truth, Issue 508, 13 March 1915, Page 1

The Critic.

Who can undaunted brave the Critic's rage. v Or note unmoved; hie mention In the Critic's pag«, Parade his error In the public eye, And Mother Orundy's rage defy?

Most fish stories am flbious. • * , * # Open air boxing is being boosted. in Noo York, but back-room methods still rule fighting m most places. #• ■ • Even a comparative good wife becomes superlative when her temper becomes a tempest. .•■ » • Jack and Jill went up the hill For water, freo antt frisky; By the wny.the twain came down again, They'd mixed m too much whisky. •#. » * Out of its great knowledge of the subject tho Christen tirch "Presa" makes the following authoritative statement. It Is reported that many bnkcrs state, that recently their output has decreased by twenty per cent. This is attributed to tho fact that probably many people, ami especially., tho poorer people nre eliminating waste, and mnking the bread they purchase go further. "Especially tho poor people." No doubt on tho wages which the "especially" rich allow the "especially" poor, there is ample opportunity for waste, after the chickens and pheasants hnvo been stuffed, and the broad-crum butter for frying the trout which, with :i pint of champagne uminlly forms tho poor plug's dinner, have been made up by the chef.

-r> i/i{, viiictft— j uu iiiui i itigu uvi 1111---cate. * « • A canard is usually thnt which 'you oanard-ly believe to be true. • • # Evidently all that tho East Coast raiding Germans sought to do was to change, tho name of Scarborough ( to Scareborough. • » • Tho rigidly righteous Ran {flora "Standard" falls fdul of the day-llea thus: When certain nasty canes como before tho Chrlstchurch Courts It is not only a Wellington paper that deals with thorn protty fully, but the morning and evening papers are not above enlarging • upon its nastlness. Despite its crooked grammar that's a Btraight slap at tho Pluto press of ChrisCehurch. "Critic" wonders what Wellington paper he refers to. though! * c • AXOMAL.IKS. j lit Is .1 truth, as sun* as Fate, With horses on the run. 'Tls usually while they do the straight, Tho crooked work is done This other truth. Ivpt m your pates. May help In future days— Oft when a follow K<*ts In atraights 110 takes to crooked ways. Another truth that's Just aw grout Just Jot m niem'ry's -book— | Tho man who takes his whisky straight I Will end l>y going orook! j * * * I Thai cleverly written, and oxeo.p- j tfonnlly impartial print, the "Waim- j " rapa Aged," a f<*w days nn<> solemnly j ilohl its readers that a 9?nnher of Gcr- j •mans m Al:isi«tU»h wore qualifying for; j Soames Inland; that they celebrated j with groat gunto every reverse reported j It o tin- Allies forces In France. A petlj tion circulated with v view to havltiK I said Germans Interned was ho emplmtl--1 tally turned down thai the. "Agod" I hanl«'ned to attnur" l\n readers that !ov«ry CtOrman. uaturattKt.-d or unnatI iinilised, within the. radius of lltt : f'lri'ulution, is well bohuved and has ! never given the sllghtost ratine for thts ! promulgating of such a petition. Wasn't jit "Dahn" Finher that reminded in* of the baying that "con«ißtt«ncy wa« th<refuge of fools?" The "Wnlrnrapn Aged" scribe, '•Critic*' opltic», iv no tool.

Some men aro torn with black eyes and some have to flght for them. * '* * Pity the pinch -penny Plute press scribe! The more ho writes, the more he wrongs. * • • It was a German author who said: When there is a war tho devil adds another suite. of rooms to his residence. # <* # A Jewish boy, prosecuted at Liverpool for stealing a leg of pork, evidently thought more of the faith of his fathers than of the moral law. When asked why he appropriated tho pork, he replied, "S^elp me, I'thought It wad veal!" # • • Miss Beatrice Harraden, author ot "Ships that Pass m the Night," says: No ono can holp women so much , as man — If they choose. And when they do choose Gawd 'elp the man that won't 'elp them. # ■ # : •; A man named Fust, one, of a pair of thieves,, whom the police bagged and banged into the nearest police station while the other got away, explained to tho magistrate that ho supposed the polloe hnd dealt with him on the principle of "Fust come, fust served." • « • We all like to do the generous thing sometimes. It mostly occurs m, connections with our obnervanco of the beatitude which tells us that It is moro blessed to give than reoeive. Most of us are willing to let the other fellow have the greater blessing. ••. • . -. • •• ■ . ' ■■•■ Tallyrand, who may be classed as ono of the world's "successes" said: . Mankind are divided into two great classes — th© shearers and ( the # ..shprn. , You should, always side; Wttli^ tho v former against the latter, v ,' Such adylco Is wasted upon our Square Deal politicians. They not only take the side of the shearers, they take part m the shearing. « • * , The Auckland 'Oly " 'Erald" the other day published the following Important Item: Germany is facing a shortago of mutches because It Is impossible to get some of tho necessary material for making them.. "Critic" always thought "matches- were made m Heaven." Can Blusterer BilUam get his "Old Ally" to send him a supply? # • »\ Tho Manawatu "Standard" Informs Its readers that Petrol is cheapor than chaff at proaent, and this fact is inducing many carrying agents In different parta to dispense with horses and go m for motor lorries. Lot tho "Standard" soribo follow tho 'example of a Wellington Magistrate's Court reportor, and walk down the j street with a ticket on the back of hlo coat bearing the strange devlco: "Sale Price, 16/6," and he'll get any amount of chaff for nU. * * * Marriage notice m a contemporary: Knight— Day. At the residence of the bride's father, Walter Long Knight, to Maggie, second daughter of Alan Day. Thus cloth Time give the Ho to the sayings of our wisest Sages! It was "Macbeth" who said: Tho night Is long that never (lnds a day. Here the Long Knight found a Day. Yet, after all, Shakespeare may be right since he only found that Day to con*vert It Into Knight! • • .• . Everyone has heard of tho small girl of humble parentage whose mother sent her to school with a. message to tho effect that sho was not to bo taught anything about her "Inside," "because It's rude." One Is reminded of thut classic protest against undesirod knowledge »>y the following effort of Juvenile erudition for which tho "Dublin Journal nf Medical Science" accepts responsibility: Anatomy is the human body, which conaißtß of three parts — tho head, the chlHl, and the stummlek. Tho heml contains the eyes and brains,, if any: the t-hlst contains the lungf! ami i\ pleco of tho liver. Tho rftumtnlck m devotod, to thft bowels, of which there ar« five — a, c, I, o, v, and sometimes w and y. • • * "Critic" hu» confe.ssotl before his gnoruneo of anatomy, ami the famlltirlty of many Now Zealand sorlbeu ,vith this Hubjen fairly *o.t« points onto j jltn. Krn»U, he read In a rontompora,ry , he other dny of a man who hart BUb- j >oil another "m his pannage:" another n formed him or a womnn who got "nhot n her kHchen:" i which "Critic" mv«- ! xvtß i» ulanK for "l»r«ati -banket" or to j mo the more modern U-rm, her "Mule Mary"). Now. the "Wentport Tinirn" >omes up with another m the follown»r: At Wnllacoiown croHairig a Roods train struck a motor cyclinl, who with hIH nmohlnrt was thrown on I the cowratrhor. Tho cyclist Htruch j a pointsman on the lovor, knocHlnir him over. I tint Joking n part, surely, the propor j [dace to ittriki' ii polntmnan If on Ihe 'point." If U»t« l>c ilono offortivcly It . u)l only knock's Im over, >t knowa 'im 1

Heard m the court the other mornIng. Beak: Did the prisoner offer any resistence? John 'Op: Only a couple of roberto yer Wash up, an' l wouldn't take 'em. • • • " On April 1 last, year, there were SOtf meetings throughout Britain m favor of permanent arbitration treaties in* «tead of -war. Seems now to liave beeii a most appropriate -day. • -; tt * The Mangaweka "Settlor" sayat Mr. Bayertz, oj the "^TrJad," hoa issued a writ against "The Theatre," a Sydney magazine, claiming £1000 damages for alluding to him as "How Bayertz." Er-r what? "Under a picture m, a orecent jissue of the London "Sphere** wb rflad: There is no doubt about this little fellow boing the .son of-liia jiiother. The wlao editor of the "Sphere*' had hit it m one, but "Critic" would go one bettor and hazard that the little fellow is his father's son. • # * The sale of intoxicants having boon prohibited m France, what volumes of experience thero tyro m this little hit of advice from Prtvuto Smith ot the *. Army Service Corps: I should advise any chaps oomlng to France to bring a corkscrew with them. ■ . Where there's smoke there's firo, and ' whore there's need > for a corkscrew there's sumraat — prohibition -or no prohibition. « # * This reminds "Critic" of one timd when he was travelling on the railway down South! some friends m the same carriage hud a bottle but no corkscrew, so they asked the guard if he could lend,- them one, His reply was "No, but t\i soon -get you orre." Ho then left the carriage and retnrncd within a minute with the coveted corkscrew. Asked how he got it so quick, ho said: "I wont into the next carriage and caUoti. out, 'Anyone here for Invercargill?' One man shouted 'here,' ao I asked him for the lend of his corkscrew and ho gave me it." • • # "Red-Llchtle" writes: Apropos yout yarn concerning tho Scot and the corkscrew. Here's one about a Hlelandor who went into a Glasca shop to bny a pocketknlfel "This one," said tlia salesman, "has four blades and a corkscrew." Tho Scot, to whom the innovation evidently appealed, replied, "Luik ot that, noo, fowr blades an' a corkscrew! Tell me, hae yo got ony wl* «c blade an fowr corkscrews'?" • • * The London , "Morning Post" under the ' titlo of "The Vultjure," recently printed the following blttor criticism upon the British pinch -penuy press and its methods: They sicken with false hope. They torture with fajso dreads' They interview the wounded, i They photograph the d»ad. I They manufacture victory Thoy improvlso defeat And they coin the tears of women Into pennies on tho street. • • • Most of the hypocritical noosepaper* of Wowsorland shun "Truth" and refuse to acknowledge it whon they crib from it. Not so, tho "North Cantorbury Guardian." In a headline it boldly declares: We can talk with "Truth." Which, by tho way 13 not tho "Truth," aa, thero is no submarine telephone. • • • Further down m the name column th« "Guardian" asserts: . Wnr certainly has spread its wide desolation, and not only threatened, but m tho caso of Germany destroyed tho truth altogether. That perhaps explains how the Guardian can talk with "Truth." Tho "Guardlnn" scribe is a spiritualistic medium. • • • "Phyfllcul culture, ma, In perfectly fine. To develop the arms, 1 grasp this rod by ono ond and move It nlowly from right 'to loft," "Well, well," exclaimed her mother, "what won't aolcnco illsrover? And If you take this rod which has Home broom on the othor end of It, and move it slowly from right to loft or from left to right, ub tho caeo may l)e, why you'H bu sweeping -this room for mo." • « • In dtßhlng-up hl» report of tliobom, hardment of the Pardon**, thftoablo^ crammer on tho Vfrjfifrarapa "AgfliT* Bolomnly informed v' wo N ndorlngr»vrorld tlmt Tho ullleU Urtot d««rroy«Kl the I new bultortCH ntmr Totnbacbtttaa. I It wus lucky for Tombuab.}U<m thnt h* «'ncapo(l, but If hf'» vrtno hft'll k»op away ' from b*tt«rl«* new or old m futur*. The aaoto invanilvo grtoius dlnoovorad :t iit«w town In Auntrla, not yet recorded m tho "Ganoueer": Cicutvu roportH tbnX. Austria la concentrating her troop* at Spott ten <layn' ihoroh from the Italian frontier. What "f'ritlc" Is wondering iai How many "SpoU*" thw "Aged" cablo-cram-mar hnd before he i urnfld to to fill In hit filmny the night thx:sf» tnonaajce* came through? Cnu you wonder th*t comic t«iper» don't »ttll In M<iatorto». The ♦:.ihle column* of the "Aftfld" provide «ufllclt»nt provocation ta t cftohlnatlon to ipMJafy any^norniaJ m^jtt^" -••■--