The Critic.

NZ Truth, Issue 507, 6 March 1915, Page 1

The Critic.

Who. can .undaunted 'bteve' / lhe-.Crltle'* > ra§er' w "- ' -X . - ■■- — v Or "note unmoved his mention the ,CrJtlc'Sipa.ge l ;,«, ..j,.' Parade his error m the public eye,'" , f , ' " - And Mother <3rundy'« r,-_p, defy? . - . v \

"Truth" has no policy but Truth '!•{.' * •'..•#■ .'. - ■# Light readings The Gas' Company's report; V * - - # •* , The, space between law and justice may be a brief one, but. it's devilish expensive travelling. * * * FirstSthoy had their: "piece of paper," now they're having, the/'scrap," and it looks like they'll spoil Reims before; the "peace" is patched up again. ', * * . * ' "Critic" thinks it's clover enough general/ship m the average young mnn if he can meet! the advances of the opposing -sex {and yet avoid" a decisive engagement. - , „ t,' : It was John- Milton who said: Let ''Truth" and Falsehood grapple. Who ever knew "Truth" - worsted In f roe ?mnd open- encouh--ter? * ; ■ ■'*■■ . .*' j Lysol, onco so fashionable, has been superseded' by -.".krysol" poisoning, and when magisterial inquiries are being conducted chemists are , m a state of perplexity' nd to whether they supplied tho disinfectant or not. ."Rough on rats," and other poisons, are entered m a book and signed for. Why not do the same m regard to disinfectants? ■ ; .'#' . ■■ ». .{■ •'- .;'*.' . V The French are a wonderful people. ] On the outbreak of war they rose to tho 'occasion -m.. Paris and wrecked every German place one day. Then they commenced oh their own shopkeepers, iuid 'Wherever they found prices raised they, licked the proprietor and looted the promises, often m the presence of gendarmes. Next day all the shopkeepers posted notloes, "Prices not augmentod.'' ■ ■■'■' A*;, ' ■ * V ' • Some .queer things happen at professional sprint races. Did "Critic" ever tell you of one of his experiences? Thero wero two runners m ono heat, and he : knew one of the pair rather well. "Who shall I back here?" asked "Critic" of his sprinter friend, ns he got Into his sweater.::. "Well, ,vbu..cah: back who tho hell' you like, but.. J*m backing tho other fellow," was the reply. Needless to say, "Critic" was not on the wrong horse that Journey. Yes, racing Is a nice, clean game, especially where "talking horses" are concerned. . ',■# { *•-. ■ : „y?f».-...:'. ..;;. .. ;.'. 'Sli'e' was the Ybarmald m Wellington (so you will all know who she is) and he was Johnny McOnwky, from the country, with store clothes and a big cheque. He was willing, to shout both m and out of his turn on the shortest notice, and the conversation turned, on "caws." Could sho. get off to-morrow afternoon? She could. It was • 'liter afternoon off. He would call for her and take her for a spin all round Wellington, if she wished. She did -wish— she wislu-d extremely, so. at the- time 'appointed. she appeared "done to death" m Rose's (from the Sow and Thistle) motoring outtlt. ..verythlng complete down to the proper tiut In goggles. Would ."he wait a ...moment..' whilf lu> ruug up? "Ow. yo-nK," she would. They would pick tbecar. up at the -G.P.0.. ll would be there' ln .flvc ■minutes." They would hnvo-to-hurry. Th»\v did. The prettiest barmaid m Wellington stood waiting— n veritable ear gut"M». "*Rrc «'o ur<\ "Op m," said MoOawky. Thero was a alight exclamation, a naughty word from the queen and a Mutter of disappearing female garments. "Well. I'm d — ~d." said Johnny, "wha's up with the bloomin' girl. I wonder? Never mind, I'll g„ un mchlextii'd pat." and the mot rist climbed gently imi;;10. lh(. obiervav.on '• ear,' and did The jrtihy' ullde round .he Kinpire I'iiv. In hr.rtnsldloj'rf i*Hen<.«v

Sileht women % sui'Ckr most.*" No doubt. You see there are "so few of them to share the suffering out among. '„_'* * -* A; Tq, Kuiti axeman wants to know if Ule increase m the price ojE. mutton can be considered _. hew ; kind' of chop handicap? # . .■■.■■. ..a. .'..' # On behalf of the v new recruits In the Kaiser's Army the notice "Babies m arms not admitted" has been suspended "at one theatre — the Theatre of War. #'■■'■ # •■#. '• Describing the "nearness of the trenches the "Westminster .Gazette* says: In places the two lies- were not 100 yds apart. '.' ' They never are m the 'day-lies, and since. the war started* they, are often not two lines apart. * :.•' ' ■'"■#: ' # AA The "cookery corner" ,m a contemporary tells of the virtues of A piece of suet run through a chopper before and after: it has been :Used for mincing meat. But who -would, think .of "mincing meat" w*lth a .piece of su.ot, especially when, they, had a chopper so hatid'y? # ,". '- '■:.. ■*"" It Is only when you see the distorted toes on the* pretty woman, when m surf bathing, that you can realise what it has ''often cost her to have the Johnnies staring after her' as she tripped across the', street In a most dinky pair of high-heelqd shoes at least a, size too small for her. What's tho use of having any vanity about the site of your feet? • . •.. ■■■■ ...-■•' An advertisement m a contemporary- saj'B: - ORANGE i_IL.Y has saved many from operations. -Another proof that things-are up-side-down. "Down Under," and probably the outcome of tho law ,of compensations. "Up Above," In the. Quid Sod/ the Orango Idly -hns; led Jo many, a, man having to- undergo an operation In order to bo saved! * * -' • Two peculiar statements are published ln tho "Evening Post" of -Saturday last,; One . statement is mndo by J. OudegeQst, President ot the Dutch Trade Union Centre. ,li is mado on behalf of the above-niontioned Centre, and indicates that the Helgian refugees are (as ; has. been repeatedly stated) starving for want of food. The other statement is a cable to the effect that the finances of. the ; AHles. are so *-Utg■gbrlngly great. Owit they iiro.beyoiid the capacity of the mind to conceive. Well, If they ui'C-so 'confoundedly 'stupendous, why can't they reducV the inconceivably • enormous mass of money, the nmwnltude of which Is so great that it h.is to he gauged by ten gallon Inns m order that the. finite mind of man may feebly grasp theoetmourtt of Its - magnitiHle. Let a pier' pf It be separated I'ronv the main mass, a piece that, by eoni| a.'riijoa will be. so Inconceivably small tljut.it will be beyond the eompaas -St the human mind to grasp without tho aid of a microscope of ten million magnifying power, and this, "by oomparlfioit with the main mountain of wealth, will be a sum wlih enough enormoueness about It to pay the "sojors" ten hob a day, provide pensions for tho lot when the war Is over, restore to joy all atujtthihed dukeK." ' and. ineldontally. provide some luncheon dally -for the begging Height ns to 'whose itall.ttitry llie .Vllies "owi_..io mur)»." ,»■-.-..

"The 'Little. Dressrr\aker," however charming, is not what she seams. '•**•'** # ,The Watch on the Rhind: Massey's prohibition of the' export of cheese to countries other than those of .Britain and her allies. '# • 1* " # Heading In a 'Murkan paper: Secret? Service man remembers a face for -twenty-six yyears. A. bit of an accomplishment,, no doubt, but nothing compared to that of the man who carried that kind of face \tbout with him for twenty-six years. _ **• * / The "Waitara Mail," pronid of its patriotism,- proclaims .that: Seven or eight Waitara .young men "have recently forwarded their • names, as-willing .to Join... the-.Ex-peditionary Force. It is apparent that there will he no lack of recruits m New Zealand at any time. * Assuredly not. at least, so long as, the "Waitaras" are willing to augment the supply! * ■■■*■•*:• .? ? : ■'■'?#■' • The pen-pusher on the "Mangaweka" Settler"' is' ■perturbed ■.'in; spirit because" . • During the. past few days wo , • have received numerous complaints about ihc indifr'ejv.noe shown towards stock wandering' at largo. " Somcv^unpolile person must" have been passing "Strawberry" without raising his hat, or has been so inconsiderate ' as noC to give "Daisy" the inner side of the footpath. v , ** * . Some' scribes • are modest m their prelensions. The "Otaki' Mail"' says: i A number of small' settlers imthe ; Wairarapa ""district have "been hard ' hit by the. drought tills season, and — they will experience some difficulty m holding their estates. i ; Their ostates! "Critic .opined that if the drought continues, the "difficulty of holding such estates will be considerably lessened. Some of them will be so. shrivelled up, their owners will be able io hold them m one hand! * ' V # , .." * Down Bruce way, where Jamsey Allen gets his M.P.-ship from, motor cars don't aoepi to. bo, so self-assertive as they aro most- other places. ' The Bruce "Herald" tells of one that must have been rather shy: - There was a procession of cars following, and It Is alleged that It was when one of ■ these M'ent too near Miss Kirk's horse it shied, Rather a skittish .sort of a, car tliat! it's usually the horse that shies In suoh clrcimstances. This Bruce car must bo the exception that proves the. rule. ".*■ ■■: . # ■ ?■ * DAD'S DIRGE. My little girlie got married, : And didn't we make a stir: | We'd liked very weir had she tarried, | We were all so fond of her: We held a great reception ' For the new wed pair, you see, Her wedding beggared description And it damneardlttoed.mc j * » t •# ! According to t "T.P.'s Journal of ' Great Deeds of the Great "War" Private, Cullen, of the "Greon \ Howards," has just been sent to his home after six woeks In hospital. Private Cullen has been shot . four times and burled alive three times, 110 says that so' soon as he" is. fit ho will go back into the firing line. Rather a venturesome CullanY and if he doesn't watch out, one of these days Private Cullen will be among the culled. *■;■ ■-, * : * Illuminating paragraph from tho North Canterbury "Standard": Tho list of those who have dlad recently, and from their estates tho Dominion will receive a good round sum m the shape of succession duties Includes those from four to six figures. The oxtra-duty -which has-been imposed on death dues to" the State goes to help pay off the Dreadnought. New Zealand. "Critic" admits the foregoing is just a little mixed, but it seems to him that the "Standard" scribe has Invented a new tax, an "extra duty- .. . . on death dues." ho calls it. A sort of taxing our taxes In order to "pay off the "Dreadnought. Now Zealand." Isn't this something like what was done by the inhabitants of a certain Island. It was said that they took m each other's washing lv order lo earn a living: * '•■..*'■ * A writer on "Soldier*" Songs," m a j.^Jmlon exchange. says: ..■ ' j -"Annie. I.auric" Is a universal . favorite, though, perhaps, it may I )..• that only a few of tho*« who -dog H think ot Its writer, thai I gittlani .and hlgh-soulcd Scotsman who alf'» fought against Germany • i« nd under the Miles of Kroncy. . ! The _*«*rlbe has KC>t somewhat mixed j i over two ■.version* of this very flit*} ! j-ong. The. old song, now wcldom suiik. | was written by \yHliani' Douglas of ■ Klnglaud. but the popular version, the j version .-ning everywhere to-day, ' wasn't written by a "gallant and high-' ;souled Scotsman," but by n Scots lady | of rank, namely Lady John Scott. The latter version was published anony- ; liiuiuHly <I»»lng the Crimean war, tik. i profit* from the nale of It belmr devot]ed m (he Crimen n Soldlera' AY blown* j and * M phaiiJ*' Ktind.

I A Stout opponent, of Yarmahy: Sir Robert of "that ilk. . . ' • * # • • •' A writer mi tho London T "Express" says: . I shall never i forget the shudder ; ' . with -which T 'fatv, a .very well- '* known dramatist at a garden party- • eating' strawberxjes^vith -gloves' qn;\t But that shudder was hot so shudderspme as tlie shudder "Critic* ought to have 'shy <|deVed ''at feeing r Vhat -great Irishman, Michael Davitt, eating sjluds with their jackets on! "' 1 # * * David, the Psalmiat, -must have had Irish. blood iti his veins. If he hadn't, then he never wrote the 65th psalm, one verse of whioh declares m good Hibernian thfct Bloody arid deceitful men shall; ' not live -out half ;their days. Not hard to guess the nationality of the man who wrote, that! j # ' v# « j In a commendatory criticism of Peter Dawson's singing an 'Auckland print, assures 'uk that: The vooaoiousnoaa, of tha audience being only equalled by the good nature, of the vocalist. It is to be hoped Mr. Dawson fait himself duly flattered, for, aii the musical scribe affirmed, In his erudite critique: It is not' often such high praise is bestowed upon a visiting artist. Wo should hope not. If such vqcaolousness were common then there would be no meaning m being so vooaolous. # • • Even the worst of liars are betrayed into telling the truth sometimes. The "Cologne Gazette" confessed the other day that: Circumstances often, compol us to swerve from the right path and to answer lies by lies. This is the only way to silence the liars.*/ When our soldiers' strortg armswill have prevailed, w« shall be glad to return to our habit of strict frankness. Looks like" trying to sjop-the noise by adding .to the din. In de-' Glaring .that it will not return to "strict frankness" until "our soldiers' strong aims will have prevailed," It looks as If the "Cologne Gaaette" has pledged Itself to lifelong prevarication. 9*9 Jt is a well-known faot that some cows are not Hfi modest as they o tight to be, and when passing along, the streets of .our smaller townships, looking for something for their breakfast or supper, as tho case may be, they I commit little indiscretions that aro the I reverse of pleasant. This has become so-prevalent in* a southern town that i the "Balcltilha Freo Press," Inrightj eous indignation, declares: • . Jt is a question whether proprietors of business premises have not a civil remedy agnlnHt thoso responsible for this persistent deMei ment. which is a detriment*" to i business. i Tho sight of '"Primrose" or "Polly" or 1 "Bluey" up boforo the beak on a I charge of • creating a nuisance m a public place, should not fall of having hi salutary effect upon "Spot," and "Snowy" and "Hoany," and others of that ilk. ! * * # [ TUB RISAHOX. [ Why do you look so sad. my lad? I Why pit and' peak and pout? | "Tho bride of myvl>o«om Is dead," h.» "Xnd the light of my Hfo's gone out:" i KtU two short months did pass, alas: , Grief ffom his face hoddowrt"Oh. tho fairest of maids Is she'" cried htv „. I "And I. soon shall make her my own!" But why so boim'rous glad, my lad? Why ghoul's you'd raise the thatch * "Oh, i he light of my lift' had' fVd," hf ] _». tld, ■ " j But. I've »truck another match!"

A lady novelist says: Always let your wife have .the last word, but don't her, ■ .no matter hbw smart. the tiling she' says. ,* Don't applaud! My oath. From what "Crltlo" knows, of, -vy lves," they generally take : encores . without waiting for tKa applause/ : /. V' rS V" ', ; Y • ;■>'■"■ *■ '"■■-.,•# -Meat must be at faiiiine prices m the Cold 1 Country. '"'A ,lady f writing from London to the- Christchurch ""Scar," says: , ', > : __ ,; ,„ Some of our great ladies are having special lessons Viri ■carving-"-from their own domestics. '. Tho cannibals! rtniad'y'carvftiff a tenderloin atealt from Thomas, the footman; or >mllord' illQfny a_ "akift from any of- the pretty housemaids! » - * "' ,fc ." V *• ' * J Good wine—may .ne«»d. no-busli, but | Die fellow who advertises Ins chaih- , pugne m a contemporary must tliliik different, or his champagne isn't wot It's cracked.u p to be.- Jle says IMs; The sort "of * champagne one's guests, on tasting Jho. first glass,* turn to their host :wlth an un-;-spoken look of admiration. If the unspoken look was so full of admiration, what would a spoken look b* like? Come* to think of It. most looks are unspoken, though 'isZnio' aro unspeakable — such as thoso of the person who has had an over.-long overindulgence .m- certain well advertised champagnes, frnsts. • • ■#■■<.■•-....■■ - « , ' , A certain genial captain, injjy working like a Trojan at Trentham training camp, wjien he landed In Gorxpne twenty years, ago, went, with four other Scots, iritp the-Wellington City Buffet to sample -the "swats" 0f. .-the land of their adoption. 'It was the captaln-to-be who shodted, . tendering half^a-crown m payment of the drinks. Now, it, ls a charaotoristlo*of the'-Scot that, when he pays for a drink and bus any'ohunge to get he ulwtiys waits lo sco that his change la j rljrht ja wise precaution, doubtless m Scot land JYIj eforo he drinks his '''haul-yin.''' So the live Keel les chaUerdH 'jjut cliattcd and looked longingly aTtho"whisT«y,'"ancf , Rt last "Mac" . dald: "Whit aboot :'m chentfe?" The barman explained tlii, as the coin received, was: half -it- crown, Aye drinks at sixpence' each "left"no change over." "Whit." cried "Mao," "sixpence for a hauf o* whusky?' TSen I buy nao jhair o't 'm Now 5&e." "Critic" saw "Mac," tho Other. Saturday, at the camp, and' heard tho story from his own lips. "And," lie added, "I hao keppit ma wurd." "But," protested "Critic," "you' had a" glass-" of Johnny Walker's best with mo, a little ago, captain?" "True, laddie." ijaidjhu, 1 "but I dldna swear' I'd be teetotal* I said I -tVadrin. buy ony malr. - You peyed for tlja* drinks!'! .True, the capUla had "keppit his wurd." and. Scotsman ( llke, his "slllor*fdrb'yol": * ' .: > • - " * " • ~ - ONLY A BURR. Thoy got hoipe latlAh' one Sunday eve» Miss Mlldred-Smlth ".and: her beet boy Stove: *-'?-- ■■ 'Twas .tho balmy Ume, ot late December, The clergyman's, text they couldn't, reI member : ■',■.■■, j • Both won. arrayed m their Sunday best, I But I noticed something— l'll* bo blestl :A burr or two hanging, if yon please, ''On -Steve's swell pants— Just below the i kn«_e_*. Ami us Mllftdy-iurn«>d lt\ at the door, >On her bark I'twlgsf'd"' a" b'Ufror two .mon*. Scents from the Terrace abmetlnlM ' WSft HW^I, , > •But . 'th««rc ntn't nny burrs In Wllllsj street. ' jlt put mo m mind of my own J-ap« Syne. _„ I And this thought camo Into the noddle of mine: - Th«*n**f" »« nuirnl thendn fur «*nch ho { nnd b'M-._ "•' ■ j {*.; _ \ Wh«tcv»r you do, bow Are of tho burr, ! t. ' .i.m;