The Critic.

NZ Truth, Issue 474, 18 July 1914, Page 1

The Critic.

II Who can undaunted brave th« Critic's rage, I If: Or note unmoved h!« v ment|on In th« Critic's p«0«, I I • Parade hit error In thft public ey«, I i\.> And Mothr Grundy** nm <WyT . _J1

Nick--named— The Evil One. • • • Taste not, want not Let sleeping debts lie. •-•. . • . A Payne- ful meeting — The member for Grey Lynn addressing his constituents. ' • •. . • •' It was an ardent and successful Reformer who remarked quite confidently that "You could propagate almost any kind of propaganda if you could find tho proper geese." • w • A lady, m a fashion journal, complains that her husband 1b entirely lacking m "tho fashion sense." It comes as a surprise to "Critic" to learn that fashion had any sense at all. • ■■•-.-- • The "Penny Magazine," m speaking of the great British firm of Lairds, says, "Truly, it may be said that they arc a firm of which we, as a nation, may be Justly . proud; They have always kepi abreast of the limes and turned out work that ranks EQUAL "WITH NONE." • • • Old Laird, tho founder of tho firm, was a very domineering cuss, and :inade everyone to understand that bo. was "laird" — Scots for "owner." "Lord ot the Mayor," or "boss." When the manager of any department differed from him m regard to how any piece ot work should' bo done, his would «<tump his foot and exclaim as a cllnclui*. "I'm tno Ijilrd'." This led to tl<<> workmen repenting tho phrase, only they wild it four times and said it quickly, which made a mighty diffcrenco. Try It. • • • Obvious omens :• — To.pasa three men m blue is asicrn that the row is over. To 'hear of a man spoken of as a bad -«?kk is the sign that his name stinks. .; To. «cc a- youngster walking , for the flr»t lime is a nlgn that mischief J» ufofti To MW tho new moon m a lookinggla«K l« a *lgn that you are given to ' reflection. -»-- To .sw* a bull In a field thru you arc crowing l« a sl(rn of a journey In baste To xpUl th«» wilt at the breakfwwi table Is the «ign of a stvrmy SKU4, tthe previous one), / \fe •f «?■*'

A bashful liian — The pug. , *' • ■ . ♦ , • "Still" whisky runs cheap. • ' ■» * Lend me little, lend me long. •. * » The pink' of puff-ection-— The maiden's cheek. «• ■» « He said her hair was. dyed. " 'Tis false!" she- indignantly exclaimed. "I presume so." he replied. • • • The "Sunday Chronicle" says. "They sat facing each other, their backs turned towards the glories O f the sunset." •• , • "Willie," said the teacher, "give me three proofs that tho world is round." j "Yes. raarm," said Willie, "tho book i says so r you say so, and mix says so." • ♦ * '"His Worship fined the deceased 20s and £1 Us Oil damages to the policeman's helmet and uniform, or. m default, to go to goal for a month," reports a.Houth Island exchange. Tho chances are that the "deceased" would like to lake it out. • • • The absolute of meanness was reached m a Wclllrgton four-penny bar last week. A well-known "smoodger" walked m and called for a pint of b'oer. pulled a "square face" out of his pocket, had it filled, drank tho pint, and then tendered sixpence In payment. • • • ••Critic's" tailqr ia responsible for this yarn. A eustorncr, somewhat untidy In his personal habits, was discussing, with a friend. In tho shop, tho question of a now waiKtcoat. "What color would you advise?"; h<; asked the, friend. "Why." wild the friend, "I'd get one of soup color." A well-known lurid - magnate m one of the provincial capitals m "Gor'nown" married his cook^ , Recently ho Ijave a dinner party ami between tho courses the good lady *at with her hands spread on tho t' (l 'tJttttMytthgi^ <ltinly the buzz of conver.^^^^^^HHß and, m the silonco that^^^^^H^H ' -newly-appointed torritor^^^^^^^^J the* -tonoclcd. haw-han^^^^^^H^R plv.'iKnntly, "Awful I' :^^^^^H^H they may Ik*" mild th< '^^^^^^^^^| with heightened culni^^^^^^^Hj^^H Iwould be Mk« them K^^H^^^^^l TSir my work."

Fine "feathers make fine beds; . • * • '. ' • " • A horse untied -waits for no man. • • * Happy is the man who can wipe off the day's worries on the door mat. • ■••■ • The song. "I Wish I were Young" proved a' failure. No girl will sing it. •' • • . Thj only principle at*eut some people is to make principal without principle. • ■ ' ■■- ♦ * * . Of two ev'ls, the small boy always chooses the one that makes tho most noise. • • • Many a woman who is too delicate to sweepa room, can 'shop all day and go to a dance the same night. -.•"'.•■ • ■ England ij Mistress of the Seas, And Empress of the Seize, But she can't rule a few hysterical she's. ;.. ;'.•,.#'. ■ • • Husband (feeling out of sorts) : "Dr. Black said, that an alcohol sponge would do me good.'- 1 'Wife: "To which of your cronies .did he refer?" ■ ■■ • •• . # - ■ •"". •' . • < • ■ Some women -will modestly inform you that they were? behind tho door when good looks wore being handed out." "Critic" knows a few who couldn't i have" been m the house at all. "Young man, where is your house of worship?" queried a Scotsbyterian employer of labor, of the truest-blue order, from an applicant for employment m Wellington last week. "It changes, sir," with" my divinity," wrs the •enigmatic and unexpected reply. ■ .. '' ' '*■.'■ '.-.'.•■' .!"•''• ' " ""Ire' cold" weatlysr has caused the seaside beached to have a very deserted appearance, and tho girls content themselves with paddling their tootsies on the edgeof the briny. "Critic" hopes to sec 'more of them m the bathing season. • • • "Can 1 interest you m an attachment for your type- writer," asked an agent, when he entered the office of a leading firm of financial agents m Wellington ■the other day. "No chance," replied ;M.\ Grouch. "I am still paying alimony on the strength of the attachment I had for my last type-writer." • •» • "Whatever has become x of Dlgg?" said a graduate of the medical school m the Otago University to his friend the other day. "You remember, he took a brilliant M. A. m classics, and was especially strong m Greek." "Oh," replied the friend, "he's m now, scanning nfeters for a gas company!" • • • Children are ofUmes ironical In their politeness. Tho lato Dick Seddon, who was never happier than when taking an active part m somo school picnic or :ln the distribution of prizes, used to tell this story against himself : After, a Christmas distribution on tho West Const, ho wound up by hoping that the children would have a good record when ho came again. Thereupon they all rose, and with one accord said, "Sarao to you, sir." ■• • ' A group. of touchers were swapping lies last Friday afternoon and relating oxumplcs of unconscious humor they had come across In correcting composition exercises by their pupils. "Oh! I can beat you oil," »aid ono pedagogue from a Wellington suburban school. "Wo were reading the 'Sohool Journal' recently, which gavo tho names, ranks and titles of the Dominion's members of *'nrHamenL When wo came to tho name of bucolic Bill Mussey. J asked what tho P.C. meant. Up went oao i.and, and the prompt reply came, 'Please, sir, Prime Canterbury.' " • • » "Critic's" eye caught the following I holding over a paragraph m "The Vanguard," the wocvlly organ of the water-waggon push: — KANSAS PROHIBITION s PROHIBITS. j Then, ns proof of the fact, there follows: — j A druggist at Wichita (Kansas) has been sentenced to six months m gaol and to pay v fine of 500 dollitrtt for having more liquor than necessary In his store. j That's what "The Vaiißuard" calls | "prohibiting." Oh, Kansas! ■** * ! H. H. Watorston, who *pok« recently at a l^ubor demonstration at tha Hip- ! I podromc In I«ontlai». introduced to an ; Kußllsh audience a method of BltetieInjr nn interrupt*? 1 " which was sis novel as it was effective. H consisted In telling tho interrupter a story about another interrupter. "There wr» once! v mcetlnj?," hu mild, "uddressod by a groat speaker, and he wns constantly Interrupted, n« I have been; but ho turned on tho interjector and gave him a very rough passage. At tho end of I tho mooting, a young lady went to tho J speaker and said. 'I think you were hard on him." 'Why,' said the HHHkkf^h<»wufl omharntHslnß mo ami I gnvo lady, 'but ult tho Water - fee 1 1 y

Every crown has a silver lining. • . • ♦ None but the bald replno for hair. • r. , » Whoovcr's worth doing is worth doing well.- --• • ' • Never put, off, till to-morrow the man you .can do to-day. •■- -> .■' ■*. . ,>?- The circle > carfnot "be 'squared; but tho wedding ring knocks off many corners. ' * "• • • "It's the bride's day out," everybody says it a wedding. The bridegroom is usually a bit out, too. It is a wise, husband who can remember his wife's birthday and forget her age. • • • The little boy had been whipped as far back aa he could remember," says an exchange. /'Critic" thought that was tho usual place. - •.• • » "Irritability m a woman,"' declarps actrcßa Lillian Russell, "often can bo cured by feeding her with cream." "Critic" his found It much cheaper and Just as effcctlvo to give "whey" to her. , • » • Officer, m a Territorial camp m the North Island. "What's tho mattor with that soup you'ro turning your nose up at?" Private: "It's full of sand and grit, sir." Officer: "Now, look here, my man, did you come hero. to grumble or to Borve your country?" Private: "Well; 1 did come to servo my country, but uot to cat it." • f> • The Auckland "Star" scents to be going fair dotty m her old' age. but tbo poor girl can't help it. Here's a couple of heading* from Friday's priiit; — Life on a Convent Ship. The Good Old Days. Kh. what! Book "Critic" a passage at once. •.• , • On tho Main Trunk Hue, a tourist. unaccustomed to colonial ways, had a. row with the guard. At the end, tbo tourist, losing patience, and forgetting that he was m a country where tho railways werft State-owned, said. "Well, this railway will never see a ! penny of mine uf ter this." The guard. 1 who was departing, looked back and i snarled "Wlnfll you .dp? Walk!" i "Oh no," J»alU tho traveller, "I'll stop buying tickets and pay my fare to you." ! ■ • •' - ' • lludyard Kipling Is a great Bcrrltiah banjo bard, but n miserably mad politician. As a wrltor he C«m Ket tho praise of mlllloite: as a politician, ho earns the j:-or» of millions. The author of the "Recessional." th« "Absentminded Hpggnr." aixl of that famous and novor-dylng phrase. "Flnnm-lled fools and muddled oufs," luib boon miy- ! Ing such egregloiiHly asinine things about current politics that peoplo who do not know him might Imagine that 1h« had suddenly taken to drink. ,In a speech at Tunbrltlge Wells, ho accimcd the Government of -passing tho Parliament Act lv order to collect £ 400,000 m HMlarles, Ills notion of Home Kulo Ih that tho Govornmont are subsldlulng the secret forcoii of boycott, outrage. Intimidation, and murder. The recent military muddle In Ireland ho call« "otittte killing on v big scale." Ho «ay» that the "meanest sneak thief l« not ho bad oa 0. Liberal Cabinet Minister. Tho Cabinet l« a "( Inn of fraudulent solicitors," "forger*," "«mUea«lcr»," "crooks/* and "murderer«." While mukhi(f thin hlwlorlo «peocl», Mr. Hurtyartl Kipling pftUM<«il to takn » kI««u of water. X% f «n this ordinary cxorclsu provokcil him to say, "You've got to clean your mouth for t.. l a filth." "Critic" «ymi>»ithliWß with tho, writer VlO mild thai' it struck htm that tho water lacked tho necessary nntl«ct>t4<| qualities, am! that he would !>*> Inclined to nrcflcribc c stronger dcodou^d *

. . . . . . . . r , .. . _^, Absonco makes the heart .to wdndwy •■•"■f • ■ ■ • All thnt titters is not bold. • ' '" •' ' ! • Wo never know whom we can do tin' wo try. • • •, : r The capitalist has learned how U* loaf and, grow fat. ■■ - ■ •■;. **■■■: . ■-■■*■ ■ •'■•■ .\* ■ .■ ' ■ ; A pretty wife and a back door, •■ Often make a rich man poor.' • ' • • « . •. Tho man who begins picking: holoi must not bo surprised if ho returns empty-handed. • • • • From tho movie ads. In an allegedly* reputable Wcstrallan daily:— Queen's Theatre. "The Duke' 3 Love Affair"— 3ooo feet— a iilmlc gem. •• ■ • : Auckland "Scar"' had a guessing competition about tho death of Jamea Montgomery, who was found at Swan-« son last woek. -On the first night the [ "Scar" said death .was duo to suffocation, and then informc* its readers that the unfortunate man had been drowned. Goodness knows what tho next guess would have been had not Coroner Cutton held the inquest and found that death was duo to heart disease. ' • • • How would somo of tho Saturday night drunks m Wellington get on If they visited a certain Continental restaurant, with a largo Illuminated sign bearing tho words, "English is spoken hero." "Critic's" , friend, who has recently returned from a round-the-world tour, showed him tho following extract from the bill of fare: — "Liqueurs AnglaißCs — Gin, old torn Paper molnt; lrls'ch Wlhske, Stcotch Wihskc. Sotta Water Portalro." Thcro would bo some' trouble Jn ordering 1 the fifth, "Stcotc. Wihsko Sotta Water." Twists given to titles. Library borrowers make some funny "faux pas" In asking for books. H. T. Couttu, m his "Library Jokes and Jottings," ha* -brought together somo very good ones. ( "I come for Mr. .A . Will you please Bend hrm .'lndecent Orders' <* ("In JDeaeon'a Orders"). — "Pleaso renew the 'Prisoner -of Zena Daro 1 " ("Prisoner of Zeiula"). — "Have you a. novel ''entitled 'Kho Comboth 'Not Her Hair 1 ?" ("He Cometh Not, She Said"). — '"Kiss Auntie* CQula-anto'), If you please." Very disturbing to tho llr brarlan was v request received from 9. male reader. "Kindly reserve me 'A. Damsel or Two.'." • • • Recently, the "Timen," the greatest { paper In tho woi;10, and mo»i respected of all Its contemporaries, reduced It.i 'price from 3d to '- r d, and tnon to lt|. ItH circulation went up from 50,000 to 170,000 dully, and "Tho Thunderer." tin the "Times" Is called. Is making no Hocr<*t of the great rl«« In Its circulation. It Im doing more, Tt Ik challenging the "Dally Telegraph," ' anothur groat paper, "to provo Its statement that It ha« a circulation of more than l'f>o.ooo copies weekly than any penny morning pnper. Tho "Dally Telegraph." touched to tho quick, respondel thnt its dally circulation In about 100,000. Tho "Tlmei»" sneers, and nrguwf that tho 190.000 m grow, not net, sold copied. "What about tho free copies?" ask* "The Thunderer.'* And »o on. Wo ar« m the middle of a great penny, morning newspaper war, and it m astonishing to sco two eminently reapeotnblo did lie*, whono loadIng article* «am«.(tm<*n nhock the Chancellor* of Europe, arguing In a petti* foirging way w)u-thu^^l)>l;i or that pajH«r can eUilm^l^E^Ltvto or threo thouAund ropleMfl^^^B^ng. Tho half-pi'Mtiy p^j^^^^^^^B'tt'MA^M h v Uh tan t ifiyjjj^^^^^^^^^^^^^K^^^