The Critic.

NZ Truth, Issue 473, 11 July 1914, Page 1

The Critic.

Win can undaunted bray« th* OHtfe*s rage. Or, noU uwiwwod Ms tiwuUoii In tH« Crttle^ Mo* / P»r«d« hi« error In Urn poMic eyp. And Moth*- Gruody'* nm 4utyl

' Beating the Meat Trust— Letting the meat rust >y^ :. • ■ •- A toper whoo^^he was driven to < booze forgets to *3d that he held the reins himself. ','..• • /-. • The proletarian plug who takes In a Prate paper generally lets the parasitically pen-pusher take him m. * .* '-? ' When a man tells an acquaintance that he is sorry he ever got married. It is safe to- bet that his wife^B sorry too. ; • • • Considering the increased cost of Hv- • Ing, the latest vegetarian Invention comes as a great boon to proletarian plugs. Nuts are being made into every kind of article of diet, and likewise into soap. So If one Is too poor to buy soap he may wash himself with the rornaina of his breakfast, . and ' If he Is hungry he can eat the soap. v• • • ■ Things one hears — "Critic" was passing along Manncrsrstrcet, tn Wellington, the oQxfir night. At the corner of a hue he heard a sailor-man from one of the Dominion's coast defenders and a civilian m tbo midst of a heated discussion. "Look here, Boss," said tho Jack Tar, "do you know how to tako the gum off a boll?" "Critic" puzzled for a moment as to the meaning of tho cryptic expression, when it suddenly dawned on him that this w&h Jadt's way of tsiying that ho would knock th'e bead off. the other f elloWs hard, painful, inflamed tumor. As bo wished to catch the last tram, "Critic" did not watt to hear or witness tho result of Ah& argument.., v . ,

The summit of ambition— Summat worth having. "V • / A man's curiosity never rivals that of a woman until someone casually remarks that his name appeared m yesterday's paper. * * * - **It'a a pity," said an Irish Wellington City Council laborer to "Critic" the other morning, "that we can't have the cowld weather m the summer and the hot weather m the winter." '.• * • Shall majority rule? The wowser who Is (m the minority on the Blble r in-schools question .says Jjo, On the question of beer, he says Yes. And "Darn" Fisher, who knows, says that consistency is the refuge of fools. • • • A doctor deplores the fact that neurotics marry each other. He says that the neurotic should marry the phlegmatic. This raises the question, j "If such camo to pass, would not the next generation tend to be pneumatic, or born-tyred or something of the kind?" '.: • • * X,»f»w weeks ago "Crltlo" called attention to the fact that down Weatport vraytbey wero milking bulls, but, according to "Wanganui Chronicle," the farmers up Waverloy way are going one better. In an advertisement m that Wowseristlc publication, announcing the virtues of a form for t«Uc, it declare*:— * This property i» now being milked for a oboeno factory. What with nut-milk bulls and property, milk, poor old "Daisy" will havo to go to the old woman's borne* .

Scotland is the^iJand o*' Cakes,'* England the land ; of Pank-ackesr ' " <■ ■' i ' . , t !< . r . ' ■» - \'•■ * • •. . > «■.-.- ." r A woman's -hair is * long,;' but {her* tongue, is lbngepr-iand,*' her: hat-pins" longer than both. V Pretty tough on Wee King Jordie V!? In its report on a, banquet, last . week, a ' Southern .exchange says, ■ "Everybody, jbined m singing, "God save the ' Kink?" .«.;■ ./■;•■ •■■■•■ ■ ■• y- ■ • '.■ ■; The Kumara "Times'* sayst — , The Social Democratib Party, is .y ", the wolf in = sheep's "clothing of the V*" Red "Federation." , ; The! idea c of. the Social Democratic Peers as wolves m anjtsort of clothing, is altogether too big a tax on. one's, imagination. As the date of the r elec-/ tipns draws rearer, vits spokesmen are "cooing like any sucking dove." ■ , ■•■•; -7' ■'• :. „ A „: ;.' ■/: - The. "Southland Daily News/'Cin its' report of the, suffragette outrage at the OLondoh; National Art Galleries, , informed'a" wondering jnrorld that:— The empty, galleries l are ' filled ,v-wiih'.-pblice.; y ■ ■■.":! *>■ ■■ ,:' ■■ " ■' "Crftic" always thought that the John 'Ops 'didii't count for 'much, -Nbfcit the "Southland "Nobse". seems to think ' they're 1 not ' worth counting at all 1 ■ '' [ ' ; ' -".• ' ' '' '■ N ■"•'' '•.' ' ' , : Kecehtly, the ''W'aikato Independent*' Teported'; that at same farmers' gather- ,■ « ing, a Mr. Hodgson contended that no rone -could" breed cattle for both iailking tand.b'eef/ , Breeds . were so intermixed*that he. knew a SHORTHORN" •RTif it,, :whose progeny all proved^to be Jerseys. ■A supplier asked J'what* the of ', the 'directors 'wfjs, upon the, matter."Critic" doesjft.know or care , what the opinion of directors is, f what* is more to the point ; is "what has the . accused ; Shorthoirh 'bull got to say oh tfie 'matter!'.-"' „ ; , "* r Reynolds's" newspaj)«p defers tp the "American Register," a Yankee journal with a very strong pro- Anglo*, tone, as having for its aims: — Cementing the unbreakable bond of goodwill now existing between the two great English speaking nations. A very? agreeable occupation, no donbt, ;but all the same the lltterati' m the •"Register" staff might be employed at,sotnething more utilitarian if . not more, necessary than "cementing" ' a "bond", that ia already:' "unbreakable." -■ ■■ '' * ' :* .- : * The Rev. F. E. Harry, who has set out to play old 'Harry with the der--rink traffic across the Tasman. said, at a recent temperance demonstration , In * Westralia:— I am delighted at the moderation . that has been- shown by the speakers. I can say, unhesitatingly, that the present campaign could ' not have been possible but for tho passionate zeal of the pioneers. "Moderation" and "passionate zeal" would be a curious mixture even m the extremist who claims to . believe :in temperance. And, anyway, the man who sets out with an apology will not set the Thames afire. . . . * . ■ '. * *- Lloyd? George's latest Budget is causing some of the Berritish boodle bugs to squeak. ■ One such, who fancies that the Budget will restrict his power of exploitation, makes the following pathetic .appeal m the ; London "Times": — ■ • > . The advertiser desires to meet fellow-sufferors, .to consider a scheme for legally placing the accumulated fruits of , enterprising • thrift beyond the reach of political robbers." .^. Why doesn't he and his cobbed the other capitalists, put their old threat Into execution, and take their, capital out of the country. That would "dish the whigs,". wouldn't it? A glob* trotting -philatelist, who recently visited New Zealand, has been making merry m the Australian official organ anent Gorzone's postal vagaries. After metepborically tying In a knot tho Rotorua Postmaster with the simple question, "When la a stamp not a stamp?" and springing the samo riddle on the Acting Assistant Secretary at Wellington, with a similar result, he has come to the conclusion, from tho information he received, that "The notice of demonetisation of Queen's head stamps is void, oh tho postal issue of ISB2, bearing tho head of Queen Victoria, m Inscribed 'postage and revenue/ and avallablo for postal purposes, they being revonue stamps. A truly GUbcrtlan position." Juaso. .*> . • ' . • Another farcical discovery made by the globe-trotting stamp-collector referred to elsewhere by "Critic," was m reference to the Government Life Insurance stamps, which uro issued practically under protest by tho postal authorities. These are supplied In blocks of four, at face value to bona fldo stamp collector*, but on no account aro dealers supplied. . AH tho name the dealers get what they require by sending along any person who Is not a dealer, m towns, other than, Wellington, the globe-trotter purchased as many as twenty- four mtn of thews advertising tiUunpM at a time. Those unused copic* probably fetch hi«rh prices In the old country, Ha««a"quotci« (for example) 1904, %d violet, u&used. 2/6, used 3d: blue Id, unused 2/-, uuod Id, There's v- tip XocJlnuoy; AUctu. m

The? man* that does J you •! an ill ?turn , never forgives you.', ; / ]\ ,■''■■■' .'■;'■ * ; •■••. :*■< >.• . -;■ :•■<; . ■ : v Useless birds and useless -women •hove the finest feathers. .' "Vv*^;..*"- .• '. •.••■' •.;■* : \-Do Tight and -fear , no man;- don't ■' write and I fear, no woman. ' * • ? Between Ulsters and petticoats. England appears quite capable of keep- ■ ingr in! trouble continually. ? /"The Holy 1 * City^Seats can be Booked," read an advertisement m a recent theatrical journal.' This looks like an adoption of - Father Vaughan's ' suggestion for advertising religion. • -• ;"•■ ■'.'■ * ' Recently f 'Critic" had something of a flippant tnature to say ' concerning , Opltiki and the blessings of clvilisa- , tion. Thus a local editor:— "Critic's" congratulations, we | fear, are premature. , Wo are still barbarous. . Which admission Is * precisely what ."Critic" required. ... ' , • / • ■* • An Otaki man tells a good yarn anent a Wellington knight of the ham- ; mer, who has recently Bported a motor car and is/rather proud of his driving. He had occasion to visit Otaki In order to conduct a sale,. and drove up m great style on tha "lawn" m front,. of. the' house at .which he was to oporate. The owner appeared m great <wrath and demanded "What the : pluryel" ' he meant by driving on to his lawn? Had he never "seen s, lawn before"? Judging by facial expressions, the speaker and the motor-car owner were the only two present' who didn't 'enjoy the joke. Thus the Opotiki "Herald": A CHANCE: If the Individuals who are "annexinc" copies of' the '•Herald 1 * left at the Factory for our subscribers will forward their names to this office, we will have pleasure m sending them the rag for twelve months, absolutely free of charge. By doing this they will save our subscribers annoyance, ' ourselves the copious use of dpadly adjectival expressions, end reliovo tbdtnsolves of a load "of "moral" degradation. ' , Apparently, somebody DOES read the .paper, even if they have to, pinch it, ■ • - - - ■■■•-. . '..,-- -•..: ..;„■ ': A well-known-. Wellinfftpn Catholic priest, a general favorite with all-^---even Protestants— with whom ho cornea m contact, visited the 'frecont Territorial camp at Takapau for tho-pur-pose of holding divine service. Seeing no one about when ho arrived, ho poked his head into one of the tents, m which a number of. the Dominion's brave defenders were gathered. ''Ex-' cuse mo," ho said to the boys. "Can you tell me where the various religious denominations 'ore - holdlnjr their respective church services?'" Ono of the "K- nuts" promptly replied, "Yem» sir, ail tho side shows are being held on the other side of the camp." • ■ ♦ • According to the Christchurch pluto press "tho Y.W.C.A. has decided to prepare its members and ottor young ladies for the general elections by initiating a series of non-Party lectures on various national problems." The flrat lecture was given by Mayor Harry Holland, civic contortionist, whose "Reform" tendencies evcryono knows. The list of lecturers for subsequent weeks includes a representative crowd from the Women's Political Reform League, Dr. G. W. lister a.nd W. H. Trlgg*>, editor of Massey's Chriolchurch M Pr«»»." KnowinK Mayor Holland fairly well, 'CrlUc'' can easily linagino Unit that gentleman would and no difficulty m nounderlnir for half an hour over so^psUled non-Party twaddle. But to think of any other scheduled lecturers uprluUnjgr non-Party «u/f would cauuo Quito a hollow fcclJnK In

■■'-■■ i. ■■..■..-■ •*•■ . The man looking for. trpuble is neveji out of world' ■ r ". • ':-■■ ,*• ■ ■'"'■..' "■>-.'.'.''■ <"■/••• ■ : ■ When, one , goes wool-gathering^ow» ia most 'likely to' be 1 shorn. , :^v vv ; : ■■». "-v;^.?'., „..r. ;■■>;•■.;''■ . ', Yellow— the\cplor the., workers turxi :on Parliamentarians fulfilling tiieir ; 'fairy airy promises. '.\ "':'. _. • .. ■.- •• •'■■ _;.. '-Vy ■.; : ; • ■. - It is surmißed that, shortly, all, New 5 Zeala^cl i^nyfagt^^-;t'3a^idw"V-^lt . ■txy- H ■ WAit John BUUstein object? It's his country. ' , ; ' '■'.■.'■'.• ..■-•".•« Irs ■,/**.;■ '■:'..•..••'■■ '• Blue murder was jn the mind of tha Christchurch "Bun' ? t'other week when "Pip" Mleta was tapped pa the block with a spanner. The "Bun" scribe evidently Ba w nothing but' gore when h« scratched oft his report of the affair* The acme, however, was In the hand-* ling of the article. "Three shriekih— Murderous Assault on a' Pawnbroker." "Critio'' rißosv to ' suggest that the "Bun" Hhould have headed the articlß "Three Bawls" and served several purposes with one scan.