The Critic.

NZ Truth, Issue 407, 12 April 1913, Page 1

The Critic.

Who can undaunted brave the Critic's rage, ■ Or note unmoved his mention In the Crlttt's page f Parade his error In the public. eye, . ' And Mother Grtmdy's . rage defy?

Heave ho! is a saying attributed to sailors, especially bad sailors. , '". «. « ■ ."•■ ' :' ••'. „1 • • The charm and power oil the masculine character consists In the multiplicity of its attributes. ' ' ■'■■■■■•■..■■ -. * ... • ;.. '■■ ..- - An unmarried girls are afraid of Mrs. Grundy. After they are married they become , Mrs. Qrundy. • '..,'« , - • '■ ■ ■ Talking sense doesn't show that one is bad-tempered. But is is a nasty thing to have to do. ; It -depends*-*-,-, upon where you live. In some communities an aristocrat is one who chews finej-cut tobacco. . '.:''*' . : ■»*-. '*'■■' ■■ •' •■ ■' .;'.- ' Running away with one man because you've had too much of another is'jumping from the frying pan into the fire. Ina certain locaj boarding house, some of the newspaper reporters living therein use the coffee for filling their fountain pens. ' : "'"-.■ ■'■ ; \'. ■ .■■■-■■■■ '• ■ ■' ' '■■ <" \- :",;•:£■. ;^'^.:"^-, ; m :.i r .:. . Th© purchase of experience Is not al-^ ilpwedv-for' by ■ tie^mcome tax, .and In : *jQy? case f ew, of us ,'wot^d care" to produce aie -items. ' ' . "• ' ; ■.'.. ' ' '•' /;' ■ f " ■.■: . ' ' .■• •'■ ■■•■' •.:'.'■ '•' ■■'"'.' At the present rate of progress, by and by the immigrants m this part of the, world will be strong' enough to drive out New Zealanaers. ■ ■." ,;■■■„'.* ..'" -, ' * '-.!*■ -, ' In. Paris they have celebrated the departure of the horse 'bus by a mock funeral.- The motor has provided New Zealand with real ones. ■ : -. • •■. : .' *>' ::.- ; " • . ■'. Dr. Woodrow Wilson: •'Honest men are now at a disadvantage m America, because business methods are hot to be trusted." Seeing ,that all their businesses appear to be "trusted," his dictum seems paradoxical; ■■,'. -.-.•.. - ,* ',=' * .".:■■■'' A doctor has Invented a new therapeutic preparation which he claims to be the elixir of life, so many diseases does, it cure. The preparation is called "Mycolysine," arid will, no doubt, sell largely as "Mycolysine for Yourcolywobbles." •.:'•■ ' ' ••-.■ iTwo young waitresses employed at a Munich cafe fought a duel with revolvers to settle . the question of the ownership of a' ■ ten-shilling ■ tip..- left -by a wealthy guest. One was killed. Any waitress hi New Zealand finding a ten-roberto' tip, would not have time- to fight a duel-she would drop dead, from shock! *, ■ ■• : ■■■;, ;; m toto. ■■'■■•■' The Home Divorce Commission recommends the divorce of lunatics. If one were apt to be cynical One might really .wonder whether This' doesn't mean the abolition Of marriage altogether. ■■;■■:.■..■ * ■■■' '■ ■• * ■■■ * ■ ' A letter written by George Washington two months before he was. made President of the United States realised £250 at Sotheby's recently, seven letters written by Jolin "Wesley/ sold for „£2O Bs. Let's see; Garge .was the man who couldn't tell a lie (£250). The other person was a Methody hymn writer or something (£2O). , Who'd tell the truth after that! . .■"•. » * Under the will of Miss Sarah Leigh, of Tunbridg© ' Wells, General Bramwell Booth will receive the income of property worth £3737 "for his own personal use" Booth and boodle go, and have gone, for many years, hand In hand. His "sweat" institutions m various parts of the world should, and do, produce him handsome enough Income without accepting the income from private estates. . • • Marriages at the Registrar's office are increasing to ' Wellington.- Twenty-eight couples were joined by the Registrar last month as against 18 m the previous March. The- Registrar reports, quite a rush of persons In a hurry to be married at Easter time. Explanation: There aro flirting seasons, "brooding" seasons, "skooting" seasons, and suicide seasons! "Critic" is inclined to the opinion that the suicide season has just passed. •■■ ■ • ' ALPHABETICAL. She was a feathered fair 8. A., He a sun-burnt A.8., Who, m his rough and ready way, . Said: "Come m tow with me?" When she replied, "Perhaps I may." Then "Splice up here," said he, , And, making fast her pilot, hauled Her safely to the quay. / I saw B.A. then kiss AJB. And A.B. squeeze B.A-, Then jointly they appeared to me j Like this: A.8.-B.A. - . Next year when A-B.'s out at sea, The feathered fair B.A. _ Will lay at anchor by the quay, i A qualified MA.

"That girl steps m perfect time, doesn't she?*' "She ought to. She got her shoes on tick." No matter how bad : a man's record may be/ few women doubt their ability to make it a better one. ." •' - •.•■'.-■"■:•■ ■■ •■ The present fashion is never to be certain about anything-rfor fear, of being considered -narrow-minded. '._' A sense of humor is widely different from a sense of the humorous, which is fairly common nowadays. '; A woman's taste has prevented many a man from marrying— he reckoned out t what it would cost to, indulge it. ..- " .'■ ; •.'.-'.-. •: '". ; '•-.;■■• ■' - ■ Knowledge is of two kinds. We know pf a subject ourselves, or we should know where we can find information upon It, ■ . '-..'. ■-■ ■"■ ' •■ '■..'". :'.•■" •' ■■' It is only ji'spta: socikloglst , who says that "many a man goes to bed ; feeling tike a king, and wakes up feeling like the deuce;" ./ .' '. ;_ . : -.. '.' ','* ';' " ■ ''• ■ : ■:■'' " '->'. ' ."''*-■' ■ ■•..■■' ■■■■':'•■.■ ■■ ;i - ;"aarn,>ye; hV^^ ; wbrmj^■.•lf-•:y«>^ I vwa^-:lia^lv 'a*man ye*d j'eip me : tiirn this mangle." •^Weu, I may be a worm, but I ain't one wot turns." ' ■ ■ '■:, 1 .••."■ '•.'■■.'■•.•'.■■ ' Master: "What do you know about permutations and combinations?" New Boy (confusedly): "Please, sir, I— -I didnt know we nad to learn anything about , needlework." , : Wellington Loafer: "You don't know, sir, what it is to be shunned by every one, : and to feel that you are unwelcome wherever you go?" The Other Cove: "Don't -.1!, Tm a rate collector!" :. i'" '-.' ..-' •■. ■■•."■■ "• ..- '■ ... •"'; ■■•".. .. A correspondent, writing on the motor peril m Christchurch, remarks that "m the evenings people wander about the streets- aimlessly.". That "is where the motor car hasAhe advantage— its aim is deadly. , ■ An .immigrant from dear old Hirig]ahd was being sworn m to give evidence at the' Wellington S.M.s Court t'other day, and, m answer to the orderly^ s demand to say. "I do," convulsed the Court by shouting m rasping tones: —^"l swear that the evidlnce Til give bef are. this Cart—!" He was, stopped, told to say* "I did," and he dbed! He lost his case. rm;, ' "''■'' ' '•* '"■■"■■■• "God strike. me dead where I- stand, but I never -sold a drink to anyone!" said \Ajfred Britls when professing; his innocence In a sly-grog case at the Wellington Magistrate's Court Jast week. "Now, Brltis, aren' t you afraid of taking -that oath or being' struck; dead m that box?" warningly questioned Inspector Hendrey. Accused lowered his head and made no replyThe Rev. F. Rule, who figures promlnentiy m the Juyenlle Court at Christchurch, was very outspoken at a meeting of the Canterbury Mothers' Union at Christchurch on Wednesday Jast. He ia reported as having said that "it Is to be feared there is growing up m Christchurch to-day a generation, which will have no regard for family life, no ideals,, and no knowledge of Christ." Poor look out for Christchurch, if Ruler Rule's remarks are true! What would be said if any outsider made the same observations about any city In Gorsown? •., * • *■ ' . : - ■ : At some place m Europe great indignation has been caused by the action of the authorities m censoring dancing at the carnival balls. Four policemen who were stationed m a dancing pavilion recently during the most Important ball of the series, frequently interfered with couples' oh the floor, and arrested ssveral of them for alleged improper danclns. Other guests*,, were ejected from the hall because they kissed each other m public Just fancy! Amongst the very calce people, too. Even if 'Liza and 'Arry do have their pot of 'atf-an'-'arf at their darnce, they do knows how to behave themselves like lydles and gentlemen! * * • BLANK VERSBJ. 'Twas on the blank bark Polly Ann, that I shipped for a blank-blank year, With the blanked crew that ever threw a blank ;boat out of gear. 'Twas off the blankety, blank-blank coast of a blankety, blank-blank reef, That , we had the blank-blank, blankety luck to come to blankety grief. . Then rose the blank-blank blankety waves so blankoty blank-blank high, That you couldn't see o'er the lea the blank-blank, blankety sky; But every blank-blank son of us swam safe through the blank-blank surf, And swore upon the blank-blank beach with all our blankety worth. The captain, thinking of his wife, said, as the blank ship sank: "Blankety, blankety, blank-blank-blank! Blankety, Wank-blank-blankf

According to the Waipawa paper, th« Rev. J. T. Gunn recently left for Welling-, ton. Evidently the Gunn has gone off. ■; ''"■■,*•.■■■■■*• 9 . The judge -who rates that Weacbed hair is good grounds for a divorce enlightens a world of readers who have long wanted to know what bleached hair was good .for. ■ ■■"'■• ' • ' ■ •■' •'.. ... ■'• •'• •' . ■ ■ • . . ' ' : Aunt Mary: •♦Good gracious, Haroldi What would your mother say If she saw you smoking those cigarettes?" Harold (calmly): • "She'd have a blooming fit; they're hers!" • -..••' . ■ ■■ "_■ V ■ " When an Individual » charged wHh "swank*' at the Wellington Magistrate's Court the^qther day was asked to plead he replied:— "l plead guilty, your Worship — but l4n not used to it!" Smiles. ■ '. ■ .. • ''...•'■:• , •. A country paper, to wit, the Ingtewood '^Record," has referred to the Mayor as "His Honour." Wonder, what the "Record" wijl can Bill Massey? It wfll be something wonderful, ''Critic", ventures to say. • The latest fish story .comes from Mangaweka. It is as follows:— -"On Sunday last a local angler caught a trout weighing between four and five pounds, and on being cleaned a mouse about eight inches long from nose. to. tip 'of tall was found inside of the fish," Ratsi ■ ... •■' . •■,■ '■. , : * ■ • ■;.. •. ' . ■ Some people apparently are apt' to forget their boyhood's days, and do not take kindly to being fooled on ■ April .Fools' Day. A country Journal records the fact that one poor little boy who had made .fool??- of hte, > mastepv received ,. no>,,le,wer t than '"ten cufc3,""las the' boy ptrtMt ' "'Evidently, that schoolmaster did forget his boyhood's days. ■ . ■ '..•■■ .' •'.•■■'"• ■ The following telegram has been recehred by his Excellency the Governor from his Majesty's Principal Secretary of State for the Colonies, and "Is published for general Information: "His Majesty the King commands that the wife of the Governor of New Zealand shall have the dignity and style m all official documents and on all occasions of 'Her Excellency/ " Now, who has been slighting Her Excellency? These precedent squabbles are so "doocid" unpleasant v .« ■■■•■'■•■ • _ • • ■■_-„' "Critic" had an Industrious fit t'other day and looked up to see what the distinguished monniker "Chapman" meant— most names have meanings; even "Bill Smith." Imagine "Critic's" absolute horror when he found that it was Scotchbyterian for "a hawker, a bagman, or a commercial traveller!" Robbie Burns refers irreverently to "Chapman Billies" hi his immortal "Tarn, o' Shanter." Let's see; there's a firm of that name hawking the Word round' New Zealand somewhere. ■■"■'■* . ■ * ' ■..*.'...'■ A wedding m Hunterville is not an every-day occurrence, therefore when one happens along it, Is celebrated m a sumptuous fashion. The latest function of tttat nature took place the other day. The wedding breakfast was partaken of m the Argyle Hall by 150 guests. The Hunterville "Express" states fhat numerous toasts were disposed of. "Truth" just about reckons' that they must have been well disposed of, and that the reporter of the "Express" helped a bit. This is what he says, Inter alia, m his report of the wedding: "The bridegroom, was attended by Mr. Buckley, who was given away by HER father!" • • • Physiciaans m Fittsburg City are puzzled over a complex question that had arisen through the giving three pints of blood by William Stewart, to save the life of a girl he loves, and whom he intends to marry, after procuring a divorce from his wife, he declares. Miss Myrtle Balvering, the charmer Into whose arteries Stewart's blood was transfused, was near death's door when it was decided that her blood supply should be replenished. Stewart readily agreed to the request, and three : pints of blood sufficed, says an American contemporary. After the operation, he announced that ho would, marry Miss Balvering yet. Several physicians who heard this remark declared that Stewart's assertion opened up a great question: — The transfusion of such a large quantity of blood created "a blood relationship" between Stewart and tho young woman, and the law forbades marriages of that sort. ■ • • ■ TEA AND TRIPPING. CDandng teas, a new fashion, are the vogue m the Old Country, and may come' on to Australasia.) Call me not a hopeless shirker Should I, m a corner lurk a Victim to dyspeptic throes. Muffins mingled with mazurka Make a mixture fraught with woes. Should you see my eyelids flutter. Hiding thoughts I dare not utter. As we, 'tween the waltzes, rest, 'Tls not love!— but toast and butter, That refuses to digest. Even when my arm embraces Your sweet form, an frills and laces. Cold discretion says "Beware." Lest my fingers leaves the traces Of a sticky creme eclair. So please say, my dearest Phoebe, When will your next dancing tea be, When from cup to cup you prance? That I may an absentee be From your tea- Inspired dane«.

beet way to Handle the fair mac Is to let them have their own way. .- A woman, seldom weighs up vices or virtnes. ' She falls m lore with a per- ' jtonality. ■ Most Judges do not cave to order tan the '/cat." ; They wish to spar* his •felines." • ■ .• ■ • ' "Youth wanted.. By. elderly lady." Here Is a truthful advertisement if ever there was one. ' .*•' ' ''■■■ •'■ •■• -••■'■ ' • " Said that a short time ago a telephone courtship of only an hour. or so led to a marriage. Just a ring up,. a ring off, and then a ring on. ...-.'. .» ■ ■ • "' • • • The -man who the other 'day was fool enough to go to a pharmacy to buy farm implements is Just the sort of fellow to hire a tramp to look after his garden because he looks so seedy. • • - .*.■■■ * ,- ' ' • An iny-country editor says:. The only consolation settlers have, who were flooded out recently In the South Island, is that rabbits were drowned .m thousands. Yes, it's all very well for this settlers, but how do they expect the rabbit catcher, otherwise "The Stalk," is .gojng to, pull through the winter, eh? .Have a bit of Pity! ... An action for £2000 damages has been brought before the third correctional court m Paris by. a young woman who declares that she contracted the germs of Insanity when her fiancee kissed her. Oh, gosh! What If she wins her case? J Why, It will then be necessary to go to the nearest chemist shop and get your mouth, lips, tongue, lungs, brains (If any) and other affairs disinfected before indulging m a mugl • •■'■'•"• * . '•* ' * ' Faith 'nd sure, there haye 'been many varieties of strikes— tram strikes, engineers' strikes, firemen's " strikes, ferry strides, butchers' strikes,' and by strikes, strike me pink; but the latest which has completely unsettled the minds of .the rising generation, and, as the day-He pay-pers say, caused a tremendous sensation, took the form of a puddin' strike at a country boarding-school. For three or four days the boys were served with sago pudding, and at last thoy objected. The principal stated that they would have to eat the sago pudding, and until they dW no other pudding or pie would be allowed. The boys managed to last a week, and at the end of this time they, with many grimaces, swallowed the sta.o Bago. The next day they were treated to apple pie ad lib. Now, how does that strike yer? Strike me lucky, but it's hot! "• * • ■ CUPID'S WIRELESS. | (Lovers forced by circumstances to live considerable distances from one another should try the telepathetic walk. It is a delightful method of soul communication.— Dally paper.) When Fate^and duty placed those weary miles Between my home and Ethel's, years ago, We kept alight the sacred fire of love By telepathetic walks at twilight glow. Across the miles my soul reached out to hers. Love's message sped through all the pulsing air; Her linked soul In sympathy sent back / The voiceless - answer to my silent prayer. Yet now, with youth's hot passion dead and cold, , And childish lingers tugging at my heart; When Ethel argues, oft I sadly think Of those dumb talks when Fata kept us apart! ■ '

:.■ . .-.,.-..- ,i:-. CV... 1 .--,- '«•.',,'.■•■ .-.;»•>.---■■. I Lots of golden appcrtontties raft stand the add test. : ' Shelley says: "We are as deads that v*fl 'the midnight moon." Exactly, some ot xa are' easily seen through. , ' N • .•■"■'• '•'■■ .■■ ' A fly m the ointment Is aai' uncommon thing, bat since aviation a ffl-er" In ointment Is Quite a common affair. - ■ ■ ■ • ' • ■ In very ancient times all women both-" ered about was a fig-leaf; In very modern times an they bother about Is a hat. Yon can keep track" of the general news by subscribing "for a newspaper. But to learn the- intimate detail of local events < you-' must be on friendly terms with- a woman. •■■■«- --•■ - ; ■ ■ • ■' •.- ■-■•■' • ■•• Auckland the awfuTis getting so jlrapatien't about BL&lls. New Zealand's" arrival and the subsequent "beer-up," that even the. penitent drunks m the court are addressing the Beak as "Yer Warship." * •* • - ■ "Girls," says a writer In a ladies' journal, "should not rush into matrimony m | a hurry.' Let them make up their minds Ito marry the best man." The prospective 'bridegroom, who is. .reaJly keen on the | girl, will take our tip and do without a best,.: num. .'•',."". , "Critic" 1 knows a "boy m a country school who, when asked to write an essay on "What did you do during the holidays?" , wrote: "I spent my holidays with my uncle* on his farm. He milks 14 cows, 200 sheep, ..three dog 3 and 17 bullocks." Very observant' boy! But ho might have said how many ducks . his aunty drove ,to water. ••;•"■■ ■ • •: ■' . v- .?. If Wowsers throaghout New Zealand! follow the advice given freely and for gratis by a magistrate at /Pemuka t'otherday they" can indulge m beery, orgiea throughout the year without fear of being yanked oft to Vqnod." , .Said the magistrate: "A man may get drunk every day m his own house or m his own gart Qeilf and, so long, as he does not venture Into the street, he could not be arrested or convicted for drunkenness. Still, he ! can be an habitual Inebriate m all that." "Critic" knows of lots of Wowsers who know this, and follow it almost (o th« letter. • , • ■ •'_•'■ MY BEDOUIN BRTDH. , ! The silent voice of the desert calling' ma, i The weird notes of the camel-bells X i hear i Afar, o'er the parched sand-hills. I dream — but wake with thee. Cool, shady palms, In' the grey of waking dawn, ; Wave m the sleepy air— ilght, warm and clear, While I keep guard o'er thee, My Bedouin Bride. The shadows deep, born of the sunrti* red, ' Traced brown, beneath the slender. d"«- --• sert palms, Retracts as the sun moves west. I life thee from they bed. With water drawn from the deep ana rocky well I bathe thy feet, then raise thee In my arms, For I must take thee hotne. My Bedouin Bride. Fierce, scouting vultures wheel 'neatb nntl^ngTn ll^-^ "-*.*" FoZv our train track East. Thero^aro^tbo white tents >Micre our kinsmen stay. •Tls thcrc-our desert home. My Bedouin Bride.