TWO WAYS OF LOOKING ON THINGS.

NZ Truth, Issue 352, 23 March 1912, Page 1

TWO WAYS OF LOOKING ON THINGS.

■ ■■ . . . <►_• . Dr. J.-Gibb. the Presbyterian Pope of Wellirig"ton, speaking at Auckland on- Sunday evening, is thus reported: "It- would be folly' for cheChurch to. identify itself With brgraiii_.ed labor; and shut its doors to the rich, for even Jf that were done ho "had not such a mean opinion of the worker as to think'he could be caught by fawning- upon.",

! The up-to-date prodigal, instead of ' comfrig home for the fatted calf, goes i'orth y in pursuit of a pair of them. j » •> m I The rain falls on the just and unjust alike. Yes, and it's always noticeable that /when it does so it's the unjust man who carries the umbrella. I'».- * . •* ! Belli, a French boxer, was killed while engaged .with a. scrap with one Evernden, an Englishman, at. Montmartre recently. The Casus Belli. ; In reply to a correspondent who complains of a red nose, an Auckland paper says : "Stop smoking and eating for at least six months before going to bed." Six months before going to bed ! Gee whizz [ I ■ . • . .■■-■■ • PLAY THE GAME. '"Life is like a game of cricket, Don't grumble at the wicket; But if you'd win your little share of fame, ' , Be you working man or master, If .you'd stove off disaster, - Remember you must always play „tho ga!me. ■ - . ■ , * .. ■ ■ ' The women wowsers opened a/ Hen Convention m Dunedin last week, and were welcomed by Mayor Burnett, who had just been elected to the Licensing Committee the day before by the Moderate vote. He excused himself for the unpleasant task of welcoming them by saying that he was elected by the Moderate Party .because Dunedin is a moderate city. It .is moderate—on the water. "Canny, yell . droon the rixuller." * * . . * i ' Settling a little argument m a quiet little way,- just like someqf us used to do when school-boys, doesn't seem to 'be popular m these wowserish- days. Anyhow, two individuals, pm., described as a citizen, and the other as a prijvate detective, seem to have "come ' back" af Palmerston N. the other day, 'when they scrapped on the banks cf the Manavratu River, the stakes being a tenner.' Seconds Averts appointed, bet it panned out a draw. And Palmer- " ston N.y which .--isn't— used to this sc^rt of thing, is highly indignant— no doubt because it got there when it was ail over. I « » * . I Monopoly dies hard. When fruit hawkers appeared m Christchurch the middleman was largely eliminated, and people began to see fruit m • their homes. The fruiterers, whose retail prices are so high that people get dizzy looking up at them, took a succession of fits, then retired to think hard. Result: A number of fresh hawkers, financed by the fruiterers, who entered into violent competition with the original hawkers ahd compelled a rise m prices. Under 1 cover pf the smoke and din of batUo, the chow slithered m and sells, "cheap banana— welly ni'." It is up to tlie labor members of the Borough Council to revive the proposal of municipal ' markets.

Things are not always what they j seem. For , instance, there is a< .great -j difference between the pro. note to pay and the note to redeem. ■ » « An eminent vet. has discovered a treatment for horses that "make a noise" vvlien. -they, .quicken' "their paces. He ought to do a roaring trade. * ' * . * 7 ' Sir John Henniker Heaton advices all young men to . "harp continuously •upon one string," like he did. But, then, all young m^n don't look forward to becoming benighted, like he is. • ■* *- The authorities of the London Cancer Hospital say that while radium is valuable m connection with the treatment of cancer, it does not. replace operative measures. Another hope ior the suppression of the cancer curse gone. ■ j-" •'• . • At a recent meeting of the 1.0. G.T. (Lilley Lodge) m Dunedin the Worshipful Head Pump Jerker deplored the fact that there were not more of his fellow jerkers at the meeting. The wowsers must be getting cold feet on the job. « m ' "The Lord knows," observed a witness at Gisborne the other day, when asked how often somebody had used cuss words. "Yes," said the Beak, "but I want to know, also." Great laughter, which was immediately suppressed. Some magistrates place themselves on a high level. * .» --"".■ * A number of King's and Queen's South African -war medals, and clasps are still awaiting claimants, whose addresses - cannot be found, the press announces. It's safe to suggest that there are no return tickets or mail service from the place most of th^se wanted heroes have gone to. * .. * * . A Presbyterian minister at Port Chalmers, on a recent Sunday evening, discoursed as' follows m the course of his sermon: "We have not all followed that for which we were best fitted. Some statesmen should be cobblers, and some cobblers should be statesmen." He should haver added that 7>'<pme parsons should lie circus clowns.

OON'T GROWL.

There's a motto tha,;- I'd give you, ahd you'd find it wc>. th your while To cut it out and ptste it m your hat ; There are some who pay 'he butcher and the baker by trio mile, And throughout their whole career just play the fiat. You'll find them always whining; their troubles are all self; . They're from dawning to the darkening on the howl; .Quit repining, for vain grieving Wyti't earn you place or pelf; Stick out your chest, and of all • .things don't growl*

There are- some swimming races to be contested m Taranaki, and as the cold weather is setting m, no doubt the races will be' decided m "heats." * . . • • ' * Poor Duhedin suffers fro*m an inefficient mail service. Though. 'the northern mail arrives at a few- minutes past -four m the afternoon, all the poor suckers .have to wait till the next morning, to -get their letters. Even Job had patience. •' ■ •"" * , * • " • •-■• Wha t"sort of brew or spirits do they^ keep on tap or m bottles in y the Taranaki province? One cow country man recently told a rural editor that he saw an eel about' 4ft m length crossing the main road m his district. Was he.seeing snakes, or what?. The Dunedin Police Court has assumed a dignified and graven appearances So much so, that all Intending criminals are afraid to- spoil its sancj tity. --_• . In- three days of last week 24s ; were collected m fines and costs. If (something doesn't turn up, it is feared that -a petition iri bankruptcy may be filed.- • : ."'"••■ m s • By' gosh! biit they do some queer thing's m -the Land of the Fried _>?iggei\ For instance,' a burglar, who was serving a sentence m an Ohio prison, has been pardoned on condition that he marries the widow of his brother who 'died and left her destitute. But, .maybe, he would prefer prison. ■ , - »■ ■■ ' . »,' A*i " ' Last week "Critic" heard of several kinds of freaks, from mushrooms to twins. Now from Palmerston N. o lt .is gleaned that a Mr P. W. Brown possesses a JEreak . chicken which has four legs. '"•'• Two legs are joined together on either side, otherwise the. ch ; ick"is normal; •'• A correspondent suggests that the breed" should 'be- encouraged as good- table birds; there would be plenty of legs to go round. ■■■ '.*-■ . .-» ■ * .- • • * ■ ; ' : ' NICOTINA.' "Is life a -joke' ' . ' .* That ends m smoke In upward spirals curling? Oh; lady mine, ■_ ■ _ My heart is. thine,' The 'thoughts yoU breed are sterling. 'If those who lead '' Would but ta!ke heed To Jsicot'iha's teaching, . ' ■ '■" They'd . pause and ' ththk, . vAiid ; backward shrink From ' rash and' evil preaching. , The editor. of this generally accepted ungodly publication attended.tlie anniversary' service of the Brooklyn Baptist' bethel last Sabbath ; evening, : and accordingly., disaster befell the congre- ! gatioh. The electric light fused, arid for 'some, time, refused "to shed- any light on the proceedings.' "Critic" See's \ m this a timely warning: If the light goes Ibu'ng when the unobtrusive editor attends church, would happen m the ' event '_. of the . whole '• of "Truth's" '■staff ' assembling at ■ prayer ?y ' •■■ * .»' ■* ■ -." '' * ' _ At. the recent Masterton Horticultural and Industrial, Society's Show, a Mrs .Rockel, 94 years ,;of age, was awarded first prize for a quilt — described to "Critic" as a splendid piece of work. Now, girls, whait haVe you to say to this — hockey and other masculine sports .{ire more m your line. As j ■each year rolls by the problem of what ! to do' with our /girls is becoming more difficult... "Marry 'em to our boys," it used lo be said, -but Ijpys are flying shy ef the athletic woman who can't da^n a sock. f A ...-■• • * '-.- Extract from the speech of Mrs Cole, head woman wowser and Dominion i President of the W.C.T.U.: "Too long j ! have we been bound by the bonds of custom, bigotry and prejudice, but today women everywhere are throwing off these ligatures which 'have crg.mp- . Ed and bound them." And someone i asked if Mrs Cole wore corsets. ! Old King Cole was a merry old soul, ; And a merry old soul was he. He called for his pipe and called, for j his glass, But Mrs Cole, President of the W.C.T.U. kicked, And— so the poor dog got none. •' * ■ A pro- chow writer m a Chi;istchureh paper is annoyed at the demonstrations against the chinkie invasion. He remembered being once alarmed at seeing so many yellow fruiterers m Wellington. .'.'These celestial fruiter- ' ers are still there," he remarks. "Yes, they have increased and multiplied. Yet Wellington still stands where she did. She is still the Empire City, the seat of Government, and a British possession." Let us -se__, wasn't it at Wellington that systematic inspection found the living rooms of chow fruiterers there the repositories of filth and nameless horrqrg? "Was it not there that bananas and other fruit were found m the beds oi the yellow mongrels, who ripened the fruit with thc heat of their odorous bodies? There are other recollections of debauched young girls, white opium victims, and the widely distributed tokens of the Chinese gambling joints which still exist. Birds of a feather will flock together, No matter from where or liow; And when for the yellow a writer will bello, \ Ec sure lie's as mean as a chow.

The total gold output of the D'omiri- ; ion for last year,' fi&y put y^o^n.. ._, at; _£ 1,129,672. K'o" "doubt* it's correct, but "Critic's" share of the output was to "put out." *> 7' • •», ' » When speaking at the opening of. the Queenstown Corporation Baths, t'he- Hon. Thomas Mackenzie said that he had been asked to , take the firs*T diye, but as he had done one "Dive" at the last genera:!' election, he did not feel inclined to comply with .the invir tation. Neat, but rubbing it m; Large crowds again assembled m front of the Chow fruitery m Cashelstreet, Cliristchurch, on .Saturday night. Every "7 second person was either a policeman m plain clothes or a detective, and remarks of a hostile character died at birth under the fierce glare of the law's stern, optics. __ The bobbies aj.*e working overtime for the heathen. '-'-.-'■» • . '» m Bertie tells . the following- yarn, which he swears •is original :— J.ock and Pat quarrelled over whether the j cricketing Snivelling , Six were m the I, right or wrong,- a,nd the, Scot , "became iabusive, /"Hoot, mon ! , he sneered ; "to hell wie the. Pope— to hell wie hixn.!': "Och, to hell thinwid Harry; Lauder !" scoffed -Pat. Then the band feegan to play. > Justice Denniston, who has qualified, for. a periston, but- who didn';t resigri, as jt-.was, hoped m certain legal quarters, Christchurch, is "a fiery, peppery little person, -who doesn't stand j any nonsense, and who always ends a Avrangle m court by threatening drectdfur things. Down at Greyhiputh the ; other day, Hisohah Thad a go'in-witli j Speaker Guinness, .who appeared be- ■ lore the judge m ,his capacity as counsel. At the end of the argument Sirarthur asked, innocently,- "May I "pro- j ceed now?" -whereupon His, Learnedness got wroth, and went up like a.., ; well-:Soaped geyser. Truth of the ter is Hisonah doesn't 'stand for., knights, m court, no matter what they. I may be -elsewhere. A judge has a lot m his favor m his own court. It's the only chance they've got to show how immensely superior. they are to everj'- ;. body elsfe. ■ • ■„_.. HILDA'S BUKGI/AR.I Hilda Spong, the actress, shortly j to open at Auckland, had an encoun- i ten. with a burglar m Sydney some time back. She fired six shots -at j him without effect. ; ( Miss Hilda Spongy ' y Is a dead shot ; j Thieves come along, ' ! Yell all- git shot. Yes, Hilda/ slie Is great, ye see, - - - . And berlud there will be ' gurglingrIf ye would rob, So now keep clear, She's on the job, ' Am Hilda dear. ' She's sure to put,, This rare.. dea ; d. shot, --..- - T9ie Woke who comes a' burgling. In early morn, v • If they're 'about. At break of dawn, She'll put to rout',. Each burg-u-ler Who ta.ckles her, And would the place be lootingV " _ She cocks a glim, *" Takes deadly aim, In daylight dim, •' At wotisnaim. So, hold yer breath', It's sudden death, When Hilda starts out shooting* -.

7v Social intelligence from a Wanganui paper: ."A, 'drunk' spent the week- ahd m the police cells." Fancy. And the Wanganui is the Rhirie of Australasia. too! A train which was 30 minutes late m leaving Dannevirke the other evening is, /according to a Dannevirke paper, guilty of putting, up a record, because it got to Woodville five minutes earlier than usual, y No doubL, it was getting on for 'ten., .(/clock, and pubs shut at that hour. "■/' . "■ " * '•»■_•■_,, * "v A Temuka paper is 'guilty of the f-ii*-<-. lowing: "The stillnes of Temuka 0.-i ' Friday night was stirred by the harmonious strains of the bagnipe music, heedless to say, : such melodies as tho Alackenzie, Gordon Highlanders ; and the 79th marches, were welcomed l.y -fche residents within the Temuka Pipo .Band's musical zone."; Garni ' Welcomed by 7 the residents within the zone. More likely consigned to a zone where . ice isn't known and where no South Poles invite discovery. ' -y ( :. v - v In warning counsel at the Hamilton Supreme Court recently r.hat it wottl-l be at their own riskif a case for which they asked a day'.s adjournment was unfinished this session, his Honor Judge Edwards said he would not stay m Hamilton' longer than, he was bo v nil to. He. had been made ill \yhile there, he said, not only by the very strenuous r nature of the sessiori,' but by -ho shameful effect made upon his health by the insolent ( interference < by the Public Works Department. J-lis Honor said that.no one who knew him would say that he shirked work, but he was not asked to kill himself m the public service, and did not intend to do so. He had gone a . long way, to\yardfe doing so. In other words, liis Honor declin-ed-to sentence himself to' death. • ■ " . * 'jfcI".cSNA!P-SHOT-St ! / t l , »: V 4--. A -really .smart maiden will seldom • otijedt. To. a snapshot secured on the~sly ;* She'll appeai-ytb bererbss when the mischief is -done, * : But you'll note a glad gleam m her, . e ye- . . ...-,•..-; - - A-< ... ■When., she's '.sitting .cross-legged m a; cosy, arxnehair, ._ _„.•._■.... _ Intently intent on. a book, And showing ari o"cean of white underwear, . That's when she likes, to be "took.*'; She declares to take photos of inno-. cent maids, Isn't cricket, or playing the game, But, to get pictured thus, as though quite . unawares, --• - • < ■ I. believe is Ther absolute aim. When she's bathing alone, m the beautiful sea, : In 'some lohely and desolate nook, And the water is^ coming just up' to hei' knee, That's when she likes to be c >'tooV:.'s : She., blushes divinely, and says, "Oh, ,:it's . xcrpng !'' . As soon as the snapshot is .done. ..But. she thinks, to herself, with a: gratified pride, f.'He's seen me! He's got me I What fun'!" 1 And when, m the moment of crossing a stile, She hopes there's -a man near to "I've really neat ankles, ** she thinks, with a, smile, ■"It's now- that .Fd like to be 'took.' s*rt*s now that. I'd like to' be