LONDON SIDELIGHTS.

NZ Truth, Issue 334, 18 November 1911, Page 8

LONDON SIDELIGHTS.

The following advertisement is from the "Morning Post" :— "Dogs Boarded. — One ,or two small Dogs can be cared for, during owner's absence, at private house m. country ; every care given ; special dieting if desired ; highest referen- < ees. — Lanaway^ Eastergate, Chichester. " They have. to. adopt some 'queer subterfuges to earn a crust m LoTn,doh!T When it lb bked as though , there was going to be trouble between France and Germany over the Morocco business, a big, burly brute of a newsvendor (strong, hulking men sell papers m this happy -land, instead of boys) startled London — or the part The was in— one evening by roaring put, "War .declared between; France and v G-ermahy • " at the top of a_ horribly loud voice. - All the mugs hi the vicinity nvtrtjed him, and he soon '. sold out his ha'penny rags at double and four times their price. . When the crowd: found they had been hoaxed, they wanted their money back, but didn't get it,, and the, newsvendor 's size protected him from assault. It , was just as well - that nobody > hit him, for when the copper came to arrest him, he landed the "John" one that knocked three of his teeth down his throat, and stood him, helmet down, m the gutter. It is obvious tbat the ha'penny rag . he was selling . should appoint him a managing director when he. has done his stretch— he is a big. enough liar even for them. *--..-■ • • The "lodger" as the serpent m the domestic paradise^ has shown up m a new form at Fulham. . The husband was a ' sailor, and while he was travelling across the ocean, endeavoring to earn enough ' to keep ,' the missus and his little ..Fulham home together by hard yakker, i the missus was carryin' hon with, a cob- N bier m ithe domestic nest. Then th&y did a get and set up housekeeping with hubby's furniture. ' They did more: they drew hubby's monthly pay, and lived .on it quite comfy, : the" lodger occasionally pawning, one of the articles that .hubby • had . brought home from across the ocean, whenever he felt he wanted something a bit strengthenin' like. Yet this precious pair expressed the greatest surprise when, an aggrieved hubby returned and. caused them . to be shot m. '-'This is wot relashuns does for yer," remarked the wife, bitterly, when she -learnt that £he couldn't dror he^ 'usband's pay and sell his furniture and live with t^ie lodger at the same time. -And the lodger's feelin's, When he was sent up for three months' hard, were too anguished for words. . • • ..-_.-■ m ■ . ■ Between New Year's Day, 1900,. and New Year's Day, .1910, the number .of indoor paupers m England and Wales increased from 199,000 to 37.0,000; outdoor paupers from 508,000 to 539,000; casuals from 72,000 to 93,000. In addition to these figures, the mass' of English paupers is swelled by the army of nomads who haunt the ' streets by day and sleep — as far as the stir-rihg-up toe of the policeman on n f s rounds lets them sleep — on the Thames Embankment, or under the bridge arches by night, rather than ro to the work-house. The suicide rate through lack of employment has gone up enormously. It is bard to pick up a halfpenny paper without finding m its columns the account of some starveling clerk or unskilled laborer Who has "done himself m" through lack of employment. An old man of 67, who had been out of work for three years, tried very hard to get a motor-bus to rim over him this week, and after the . eighth m succession had | jwerved aside he happily . accomplished bis .object by "diving under"

the wheels of one that was trying to get out of his way. Happily accomplished is the right expression. It is better to be dead than to be 67 and penniless m London m winter, and the poor old fellow realised thisT . ... . ''.._■ I * X The. English press, or a section of it, pretend to be horrified at the disclosures of a Yankee named Martin about the idle rich of America, and extract therefrom' a . story v Martin tells about an American society woman who spent 15,000 dollars a year m keeping a staff of servants to wait on her pet monkey. England is the last country that should "throw off" at another country's women. Her own take a bit of beaming. "Truth's" London correspondent, the other day saw two welldressed women, evidently of the"society" class, weeping' and wailing over a poodle-dog on Hampstead Heath. The fat over-fed brute was trying to vomit, ~and one of these "ladies" was assisting the process by rubbing its bulging belly with her delicately-manicured hand. When the animal "did" eventually get rid of its uneasy load, she wiped the mongrel's filthy, spew-flecked chops with a perfumed handkerchief, and. thanked her Maker, for its deliverance with fervent piety. j » "jy-orning . Post" advertisement :-— Required, Elderly Lady (good birth, absolutely essential) to/,' act as companion to young marriedlady ;''' no salary given. Mrs 8., York Lodge, Hampton Court. Even English snobbery "can/ go no further than this ! A poor old •'blue-blooded" pauper ;wa;nted at a time of . life when age has earned its rest before finally descending to the grave— for " what ? To amuse gilded youth too bored and brainless to amuse itself, and actually too mean to pay for being amused. This would be the bitter bread of charity indeed. * .-._»■ '■•..■ The nigger, Johnson, would ha.ye been a wowser if h© hadn't become a boxer instead. When a ha'penny newspaper reporter asked him how he 1 felt about- the stoppage of his fight with Wells, the big buck black rolled his eyes to heaven and re'Tve earned enough money to last me till the Good Father calls me above." As Johnson, according .to his own reckoning, has earned £65,000 m the last live years, he is probably sincere m his piety. A sum like that is enough to make anybody thank God. There are some queer ways of earning a living m this overcrowded country. A. joker named Benjamin Williams i ha« just come to light m the police court who carried- on business as an unauthorised pawnbroker, and extracted 800 per cent, interest from his poverty-stricken victims. .Benjamin did a great business at his sly- three-balls - shop by advancing women' half-crowns on their marriage certificates, and charging them, heavy interest when they redeemed the "documents. A marriage certificate is a ;good, safe risk; too . No lady/ that is a lydy will' part with it for long. . It -is haaidy to have m the house to flourish m the face of the lydy next door when she shoves her head' across the back 'fence and' tells Bill's" lawful wedded wife, that she. \s an unsound member oif the oldest ' profession m the world/ The bench seemed rather to admire Bill's enterprise, for they let him pB.. with a -'tenner " fine. \ *- * • - "Arthur/ Dick, a Hull barman, has a, great aversion to the Chosen. Race, and last week he took strong measures to show disapproval ofa whole synagogue : full .of 'em. • The Rabbi blows . a ram's horn . at each service for a month before the Jewish New Year to summonn: the . old rams and beady-eyed ewes of the flock to service, and Arthur reckoned t that this horn hullabaloo, gave him the hump . According he aimed himself with a heavy hosepipe, stationed himself outside ' the holy building of the Chosen, and yelled '.'Fire !."', The ol' clo' congregation came hastily trooping forth, each m the eager hope that his own shop had gone at last, and .Arthur hosed them to , his heart's , ; content. _ Indeed,' some of the 'plump -Jewish maidens who received the stream m unprotected . parts, have not got over the shock yet. The fun cost 'Arthur 20s, but. he got good value for his money. Arthur is too sensitive a soul to live m highly civilised communities. If he doesn't like Jews, he should go and live on an island near the South Pole— though possibly he'd - find the sign ,of "money advanced without security" hung out even there. ■ •.- •■.*:.■■ Do you know what a "maggotot rium." is? It's the latest fad for curing consumption, and an English doctor has just received permission from a provincial council to erect one m a breezy, healthy English shire. The consumptive patdenits live over a floor v . Where maggots are bred' m millions. The maggots are burnt, and the horrible stinMng fumes that rise up amongst the poor cough-racked patients are - supposed to be good for their complaint. If there is anything m the theory, it is hard to see why . all the consumptives of the world don't emigrate to London and get cured. There are enough maggots—- hunmn ancl otherwise— here all purposes and as for the smell * . - * ■*- What hope is . there for England when this kind Of thing happens every week without public or press protest ? A poor, infirm old, man named Walters, a' decrepit Hodge tottering to the grave, got a job from a Chichester landowner named Booker, digging potatoes at . sixpence per cwt. The poor old chap one night took home six potatoes — ■ no m,ore and no less — for his supper, probably not thinking there would Ibe any harm m doing- so. But

his bo'welless employer saw him„and gave him m charge.. Next morning an equally bowelless bench sent the unhappy old' mail iip for .ten days, without the 'option of a /me .'' They were a "class" bench, of course, and probably all- county pals of the prosecutor, and one of them was actually a clergyman— rtho Rev. H. W. Davey. New Zealand has some queer things . who pretend to be followers of the meek and ,lowly Nazarene, but none so bad as this fellow Davey,. who sends a fellow being to gaol foi* ten days for taking a few paltry potatoes. New Zealand has some ; queer magistrates, too, but not one who, if he valued his commission, would dare to impose such a sentence as this. And is there m all the colonies a .farmer sufficiently brass-bowelled and flinty-hearted to resent his employee taking a handful of fruit or vegetables as he workled ? The case passed unheedted^ by ' the English people, who saw nothing unusual m it. .