THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 328, 7 October 1911, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

Who can undaunted brave the Critic's rage, Or note unmoved his mention m the Critic's page, Parade his error m the public eye. And Mother Grundy's rage defy ?

GIT WORK.

Perpetual motion : Spme of our politicians' jaw. » * • Ashburton Beautifying Association is dead. . Prohibition again.. Brief Sydney cable m Eltham paper : "Hides— Weaker." Generally, they're tough. m • • Jock Findlay used discretion m going to Parnell. "Discretion"^ stands for lots of things. » * ■ ■" Timber m Taihape is sold at 24s per 1000 ft. The same can be bought m Wellington and -sent onto Taihape at a less cost. The rule of the ring again. • • c Dicky Arnst, our champi,on sculler, according to a Sydney paper, wants £1500, win or lose, before he turns pugilist and fights the nigger McVea. Good— Dick. * . * * According to a return the average annual consumption of tobacco per head, m Now Zealand and New South Wales is 2.G91b. Well, leave out Bob Stout :"irl then how does it pan out ? Palmerston North Borough Council simply "received" - the letter from thc Rangiora Council suggesting thc appointment of a censor of pictures. As thc Palmerston councillors run a picture show on their own, the "received" carries its own meaning with it. A country paper has expressed its doubt whether there is a man or woman breathing who has lived during the reign of six British monarchs. Well, as the man or woman would have to be 150 years old, the newspaper m question took no risko.

The question of the day '. Is Parnell a "safe" seat? • » • A young man down at Cust was measured the other day and tipped the beam, which isn't a breach of the Gaming Act, at 6ft. 7in. Oh, reach me down a star. ■• " • According to a country paper, a number of dissatisfied immigrants from the Old Country have passed through Masterton carrying swags. Another march through the desert. There ought to be a warning m the following assertion by Sir James Ban- : "I knew a great temperance lecturer once whose life was considerably shortened by the fact that he was a glutton." ■ • • . A jury m a recent Whitechapel (London) case was composed of eight persons named Cohen. There is nothing wonderful m that fact, because New Zealand is owned by one person of the same name. Two S(>-yea.r-old Lotharios m Southern Italy have fought a duel for possession of a woman of or>. Tbey were armed with walking sticks* and .so fierce was the encounter that neither is expected to recover. The old goats ! A relic oC the past was discovered m a ploughed Held at Taumarere, one day last week. It was m the shape of. a George 111. penny, dated 1707, and the coin was m splendid condition, the lettering and head of the King being plainly discerned. If I that "bean" could, speak, what wouldn't it say pn the land policy iof New Zealand's wly days.

• On the day that one Alfred Burnecle escaped from the Gisborne prison, a proclamation was issued decreeing that It had ceased to be? a g-aoL It's no wonder that Burnecle bolted. • » m * Somebody sneaked a billiard, ball from a .saloon at Carterton, .the other night. Now, . the indignant proprietor intimates to the thief that the.. table and cues are still available. * * » Now that - the fishing season has commenced .look out. The first story of .the season comes from Horowhenua, . where "Critic" learns that a trout,- 13% 1b, was taken from the lake. If it was' taken it ought to be put back again. ■. « « Said a political aspirant at Patea the other evening : "I say without fear of contradiction that our Supreme Court m Now Zealand is the cleanest m the world." Well, no one is likely to contradict him, and he needn't worry about it. ■ •' ■ • ' * The weight of the gold plate used at Buckingham Palace on. the occaion of the Coronation banquet is more than twenty tons, and its value some £3,000,000. What a lot of empty stomachs could be filled with that three million. ' Merrie England'! • '» ••■•• Labor Day m the Dominion is to be celebrated on the fourth Monday of this. month. Tlie excuse, the official excuse, for changing it from the second Wednesday, is that it is under the. Public Holidays Act. Gfarh. It's toecause Labor Day m the' past has always been a wet, miserable day. • . . • _» Masterton has had lots of things claimed for it since it .went . dry, ' but there is one thing upon .which -the No-license nuisance remains silent. Masterton used to send away a lot of timber. Last year it received over 2,000,000 ft. of timber. The result of a lack . of labor. Puritanic law is no good, for the worker. ■•* . . • Says • the Rangiora- '-'Standard".: "Come- to Stay. — Evidently John Norton's 'Truth' has come to stay. He is about to erect huge buildings m. Luke's Lane -, and Manners-street, Wellington, to house it- m, and in. l tends to put m one of the first up-to-date printing plants m the- Dominion. • Readers may expect great •-things m . literature from 'Truth's' new premises. So. says the Editor." ■• ' • Bill Whitta, land and estate agent,, and ex-Christchurch bookie, who has twice been fined for disregarding the by-laws with his motor car, was fined another £50, and £3 19s 8d costs, at .Ashburton the other day for talking earnestly to people outside the gate po£ " the local racecourse while a meeting was m progress. They suspected him of betting. 'Struth, ain't a man vstiff ! A Maori was before the S.M.s Court at Waipawa for leaving a cow at large on the public road. It happened that the animal was left lying on the road, apparently dead lame. It recovered, and attacked a local doctor who was passing on his motor cycle, the machine being seriously damaged, and the doctor having experienced a narrow escape. Eventually the cow was shot. A small fine was imposed on "te dago." Evidently lame cows object to motor bikes. No wonder ! a • m The slave- driven daily-paper reporter ! Thus the Christchurch "Press" : — "lt happens, unfortunately, that the ordinary weekly day of rest is denied to journalists engaged on morning papers. Church services and religious gatherings, which are appropriately held on a Sunday, are attended by our reporters, if not always with enthusiasm, yet as a matter of duty." Why should the weekly day of rest be denied to the reporter ? The only thing that prevents the reporter having his weekly day of rest is the meanness of the "Press" and other dailies. It is up to the reporters to form an industrial union of workers, and demand a living wage and a sixday week. The papers are only published six times a week, anyhow. ■ * . * * . "You can put gold all around him and he won't touch it," said the wife of Edward Joseph Reid, tearfully, to Lazarus Wolfe Balkind, Christchurch •dealer m fabrics, as she pleaded for a job. The heart of Lazarus melted and ho took Edward on ; then Edward Joseph collected small sums amounting to 30s, and didn't mention the mattor to Lazarus, who found it necessary to have his unauthorised profitsharor locked up. "How did you come to employ a man with a record like this ?" inquired' Magistrate Bishop later, as ho scrutinised Edward Joseph's past performances. Then Lazarus repeated the picturesque imagery used by the man's missus m asking for the job, and the sympathetic chord touched by the golden appeal. "I thought he had been taught a lesson," remarked Lazarus, sadly. "If you had as much to do with men of this kind as I have," said the experienced S.M., "you would place less , value on the lesson. Three months/

What about the Lib. -Lab. Organisation? Findlayjl (Lib.) and Slack (Lab.) are running for the Parnell seat. A man named Moss is the Massey ite' and he might, squeeze m. » m m. We are getting remarks about tho abortive Ward-Massey coalition ad nauseam throughout the country. It's a pity • the Tory section m Ward's party didn't coalese with Massey. Then they would be hurled into oblivion at the general election, and the atmosphere would be cleared for democratic legislation.' - -■-• • ' j * • .* • Jimmy Mc Coombs, water-waggon-er, purposed standing against. Davey for Christchurch East^ but after much wrestling m spirit has transferred his disastrous patronago to the Avon seat. When he lifted the lid - , covering the- Manhire scandal, the out-rushing stench blew him into the other electorate. ■ * m A recent parliamentary return •shows that there is- not one -acre of Crown land left m Canterbury province for future disposal. TiVhalt a glorious time of it the land grabbers had m the early days 1 A_nd what weeping and groaning there will be when New Zealand has a government with courage enough tp give an effective screw to thesgraduated land tax. * » » The impassiosoed No-license-persons--who descended upon Trmaru with militant remarks m view of thrlOcal option poll scuttled from, their first battle ground m mortified astonishment. It is usual to testen with a bored expression to the•neurotic being who lash themselves . into a fury about the common or garden nip, and to make due allow.ance for their state of mind, S|o that when the populace started hooting and jostling the gingesrpop orators were surprised. This feeling gave way to consternation wftendrapery case on which they ■spouted m the main street suddenly tilted forward and deposited them on the roadway, and anger followed when the hooting and jeering •continued, whilst a loud- toned phonograph on the top storey cf a, local pub. screamed the words of the popular song, "Come and Have a Drink with Me." Finally the vansquished Wowsers gathered up their .•spring-goods case and blew out (Of the street on a gale of hoosts, rjeers, ; . and disrespectful ejaculations.

• Oh, .I'm- sick of tbe song of the"-- "mighty have been," And the bard with the "wasted-vlife," '' "Who is terribly beery and most un-. clean, ' And a bother to friends and wife ; : ;And I. groan when he writes of his.; "vanished past," And the weight of misfortune's* punch, For ifs due to himself Ipaat his lot is< cast With the wearisome wasted nunclM Oh, I'm sick of the -'Singer who sings <j alway Of the wonderful girls he knew, "Whilst his missus grafts hard at-they tub all day, ' "Just to get him a bob or two , Of the waster who brags of the things'! he did, When ho wasn't "misunderstood," Whilst his missus looks after the-; hungry kid, And attends to the morning wood.' -Oh, I'm full of the ass who foretells ; his death, And who orders a "lonely grave," And who wails with the last of his: onioned breath, For a site "where the sheoaks wave." Let him mop up his tears with the barman's clout, And get out m the air — mayhap, If he brushes his garments and looks about, He may get where the pay sheets 1 Ba P* .

For some unfathomable reason the of the Conciliation BoaM m tlie dispute between Christchurch Tramway Board and its employees was closed to the press. As the puMic (whom the Press represent) arc the Board's bosses, whaffor ? Open-air lady orator : . "If T were to hand round a glass of pure alcohol to every man m this audience, not .one of you would be alive to-morrow." (Impressive sil,en.ce._) A Voice (apologetically) : ""You don't happen to have a drop [with you now. Miss, I suppose ?" * * — At . .Blackball, on the West Coast, the workmen decided to blackmail thc publicans m the Grey electorate., if they did not make a reduction m .the retail price of beer to fourpence per pint, and threepence par half pint. If reduction was not carried a block vote to be given to prohibition. Eeanember Waihi ! * * » According to the local paper : i'The HoMtika gaol has been closed .a_ad the headquarters removed to ■•Greymouth. The carpenters are busily engaged m getting the quarters suitably arranged to accommodate the extra sta(T. In future the of Gaols will reside m •GTeymouth. It is stated that for the 'last six months there has not been =an inmate of the gaols on the West -Coast." Who is the Governor of Gaols ? When are oar prisons to be made burglar-pro oi, let alone es-toape-proof? * * • JOCK A3JD J.DiO. — .NrEW PALS. Speaking- on tlie land question m -the Legislative Council, Sir Seatless Findlay remarked on the soundness of the opinion expressed by Mr Or■mond. That gentleman's knowledge of the land question aud the impartiality with which he had treated the .question and theme of tlio Government, -would be most useful andwouk" havo permanent results." Hon. J. D. Ormond, m reply, urged that m any scheme the Government might bring down they should provide an ample fund for the purchase of land m advance of the railways. :K is. not m school or college that you get tiie special knowledge Of the land and kindred questions tha£s possessed by J.D.O. Ho survives with other fossils, who were named the "Twelve Apostles" When they parcelled Heretaunga, whore Che woolly, lambskin grows. When he slobbers^on the Tory (th&uah ho be a, convert hoary To tho cry of closer settlement >and Government control), that Findlay knighted is another person blighted And it predicates a weakness m his economic povl. tFar^incn Ormond had to jostle as -ft pioneer apas&e, Tho State was useful only then £<$ braid railways to his land ; fiNow, he says the State should collar all the land that's worth a do**: lar, 1 Ere the railway brings its riches *W the future — understand ? "Well, if this idea were followed when' John Davies Ormond wallowed In the values new created m his apostolic realm By thc railway and that snorter of a job, the wet breakwater, Where, O where would be his riches, with a Ballance at the helm ? But the future legislation * cannot harm his generation, For the railways they have done their work for him and all his crew, So we find our Jock be(k)nighted saying how much he's delighted At the soundness of the few repiarks of John of "Karamu."