THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 327, 30 September 1911, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

Who can unflannted braye the Critics-rage, Or note unmoyed his mention m the Critic's page. Parade his error iii the public eye, i ■ 'And; Mother Q-randy's rage defy ?

Blood is thicker than .water, and lots of ;f oik are thicker than blood. • / . - . • .'-,■.-■ ■ • Judging by; the acquittal m. Hold Hingland of a man who shot 'at a striker, . "the Unwritten Law" is permitted in^English law 'courts when it .comes to a -clash between Capital and Labor. • » * The fellows who ' say that " they only drink for the good of their health must, be mighty, unhealthy. - At all events, it takes a devil of a lot of booze- to -4ceep them fit. Arnold, M.P., says that' m England a sovereign has ' less spending power-, to-day than eleven years, ago. That's; all very well, .nut what about New Zealand ' where there are no sovereigns left to experiment with ? • » • Lord Selbourne declares that "a rich man who spends his life m mere enjoyonent is morally not superior to th"c tramp." Physically, howevei-, he has a. much better time, and, besides; most' of the, rich men of our acquaintance don't trouble much about morals at all. . a ■ « It is officially stated that the Socialists at Barcelona (Spain) organised a general strike, and arranged to blow up the railways and telegraphs. This official ' statement is probably about -as true as the charge' of murder for which Ferrer was officially assassinated.

FOOLS. ,'■...; - '•.'■•)■ ' .■.■■■■ t

A fool and his inoney's soon parted, While the wise (who are few) rich ■ grow ..-.'.... . - . . ■ : . . By collecFing th c - spoils •■■ : Of the fool .who' toils . ..'-', In a world . that's, all work and woe. J. D. Rockefeller, who would give half his huge- fortune for a. good digestion, is 'forbidden by his physician to eat anything which has been cooked, not even bread or cakes. His diet is confined' i- to ''-.' uncooked meat, with eggs and ' vegetables. Well, there's some consolation "after all IF you're not a millionaire.

A SCREW LOOSE.

From Home comes hews by cable Of how are on strike, In "the' chapel" / they together are all banding. v . . . Higher wages,- that's the trouble; . Bosses can't do what they like, So the compos., all at present- are : , "kept standing.!' , )

There is a silly idea abroad m London society that Australasian Governors always spend a • lot of money on the "blawsted colonials."It is a, very silly idea. Ask "Plunky" T .••■■■;• » A man and a woman, "■■• wh,o were both deaf- and dumb,.. 'were married by signs recently. There is , every prospect of this being -a happy iinarriage. A man can shut his eyes when he can't close his -ears. Down at Timaru the. other day an elderly witness said 'that / at ,■ tois daughter' Si house he /had been given beer and "so on." The "so. on" turned out to be whisky. When a -.Prbhib. asks for a "so on;"', beware ! • ■•■ . ; . • ■.» The value of radium- as a curative .agent is being more widely recognised. Radium has a most deadly effect on disease microbes, although, unfortunately, it has a tendency to kill the patient also— a fact which detracts from the efficacy of the treatment. * * * From the Christchurch "Star" :—* "Young man will sell himself into slavery, absolutely genuine. .What offers ? Address replies J< siave,"Star' office." , Why rush into print ? Isn't there- a 1 Farmers' Union anywhere m the vicinity .? a • • i Suggested' question to be put to all candidates for Parliamentary honors : Are you m favor of abolishing '.Dominion Bay as a public miisance ? Dominion Day should be a general holiday and not a piebald, celebration -for the dislocation of business. It should ( either be the ■biggest : holiday and high festival of the year or it should not exist. , * . ■■•'•. *■

ENGINEUITY.

If you take m hand an engine, With a full supply of steam, If constantly with fuel it is fed ; Side by side then place a cabbage, Things are then not what they seem, • You'll find the cabbage allus is a- ■ . head ! ...■■' .. .■ ■ "Critic" always knew that the ]ate King Edward was a genius, but never knew that hn was also an infant prodigy: However, he was, as this par from a big English paper, — taken from its report of. an axtction sale of curios— will show : "A letter by .the late King, written to his sister the Princess Royal when he was ten days old," was sold' for £g 155." It ought, to have brought a mini on.

The wages of gin is breath, "Bice lias goae up."? A blow at our puddings and pastimes -at wedding's. .It would' be a dull dreary liie M it were mot for the -unexpected coming along. ' ' An urn containing a number ' oi spade guineas has been fpund by ; -an antiquarian. Ca-urned Increment. • • « . **Unianployinejat is a menace to society," says lady Somerset, ' But" society folk cannot expect to'rtoe^the, only idlers. » • * The man who thinks that women; are angels \ never notices that thefeathers,. are on her hat, and not one. her. . shoulders. . . • '• • m . The total number of- marriages; in..^ the old Country for X9io show an increase of ■ nearly \ seven 1 thousand. , The rising 1 tied ! • , The Portuguese Hepublic has been formally recognised „ by Great Britain, Germany, Austria ? Italy, and, Spain. Manuel and Gaby des Jjys rStili cut her liead, however. • , i * * ■* - One of the items ata- Pro Mb .: 'vop",;at Invercargill- was the song; t "There is a. Green Tfifl." Quite so, and' Invercargill knows where to go when it wants to soak from, a, keg 1 . TheProhibs. needn't tell them. A- French professor says that - a good memory is an advantage to 1 a politician. In" this country • the;, politician with a bad memory .invariably • succeeds ." There is •no • room :,■ m politics for the 'man who remembers,, his pledges. A witness," 26 years of age, at the. Palmerston Supreme Court, said that he had ; never been to school m his* life, and had never earned any money. His father made all the ' money forhim, and yet the witness assured the judge that he held a mortgage of . £1500 on one property; He"' only, proves that financiers, are born,, not made. ■' . ■/" ■' : '"••-. ... v '■' '" •• .•' : ' •. ■;••■ '■ • ■' ■■'•":"' ' ' .•: '.':''''■'■' ■■■'• There is little ■of r'the- wowser ele- • rnent about, the ;.- 'Anglican Vi crowd.* Ons of the raost interesting, items on ' a gyiunastic programme given the other night .by St. John's; ■Young ' Men's'. Club, Christchurch, was "'. a boxing V : competition. The snuffl-r ing, , girly-girly members of the Y.M. GJ.A.i are extremely shocked at the - circuDostance. ■■■• . '; '• -'■- •/■ ■ *:'*v -j :• • '-. . * '. \

HER CHEEK.

You'll 'find {he female form divine Will always draw the color' line. Since every woman, it is plain, To; make her mark, is always vein. We simply of this matter speak. Because we -like her blooming cheek, Joy to her door you always bring, Not with a knock, mind, but a ring. ' . ■»■•.■. ■*.-.■■■. » A! professor, giving a lecture, oh nervous diseases, commented oh the curious, fact that some acrobats suffered from ' habitual • vertigo when on the ground, '. and were never inconvenienced, with' it m .the air. It is als' o remarkable that many people who are not acrobats betray visible symptoms of vertigo when •on the ground. , Their portion is generally' "5s or 24 hours." i* * * Soft , drink Janaticsi m the South* are ;ropeable at the success of L an unauthorised miscreant who has ibeeri collecting /subscriptions from the faithful m WaLmate for the Cold-Tea Cause. The legitimate collectors find it so hard to get any cash m at s all that the success of the dishonest counterfeit official is mad- - dening. . Then there is the added horrifying thought that the sub- ' scriptions may be spent m beer. At the Dunedin competitions last week a party called Paine, had to hear 74 small gjirls mostly misusing a recitation. Poor Paine is still alive, but- "Critic"' wants to know what the S.P.C.A. inspector was doing to allow, the poor man to be thus afflicted. If Mr. Paine is passing "Truth" office! will he call m and .collect the ' medal for heroism which the staff is going- to buy him oxit of next week's envelope. "In voices sweet and low, ' '— . They gabbled the new refrain; 1 "What's the matter with Father ?" What's the matter with Paine ? ; . !?:-. ' * a ■•■'■. King George and King Alfonso were greatly annoyed' by snapshot: fiends at ' Oowes, who even followed them", m flotillas ;to the royal .bathing place, as also did numbers of smart society women, who, flinging off their dressing ' ; gowns, stood revealed :in the daintiest of bathing 'costumes. ;. There is no mention . ' ,of any "annoyance" .on the part of their -Majesties at -^this intrusion on their privacy. Still, it is annoying, ; evenvfor a King, to\ be snapshotted m; a swimming suit.;. ; The -divinity that doth hedge a 'modern king >is gone when he '"■■"sthrip'si '■''■■.-: -. • • .

Famous Sayings : "Time, gentle-^ men, time-!"- " "f- --•' ■ ■ • • Work* is -a ;habit which'^is- easy; . 'to^ •'cultivate— in -'-otters^ „- , m m v . The- extra energetic^man who^is val-A' ways .running round .very, rarel^-gets^ ■ahead.; . . • - "The new science" is the wey4 'aviation is • written of — pronounceil| '.'skyence," of course., 1 lii a recent, debt case,rboth{-:,plain-'! .'tiff .and defendant were- moneylend•ers.. Fall, of interest ! 4> * a "Play,"- says Bishop Weldon, '"is .a, .great test of character." Is he trying, to m a ke game -of us ? * m, m ,A ; magistrate says that criminals 'should be- made to work;;as ,a punishment. Is -"hard"ia i bor-* f "mere'piay f then ? ' #■:..*■ • Fruit is said to be ' a 'great beautifier, so that the customary invitation to "have -a • banana" has solid sense behind it, » »> ■ The latest rumor is. that a Stipendiary Magistrate of New Zealand has been bequeathed £14,000. Does the* elderly person lie-<again ? a * • • Father Vaughan. declared some little 'time' ago that "ladies m ■ society are not so bad .as they are painted." But, if 'that is so, why omearth do they do it? o • * "A -lost war-medal&s advertised : for" ' ran a paragraph m a country paper. Well, it' isn't .'the first time a war medal has. been lost. Generally they' are recovered m pawn shops. « * « Queried the Christchurch detective: "Heard about Powelka ?" "No." "He went into a Palmerston store, bought a pair- of \ boots, put x them on, and they pinched him." Go to ! m a M An egg 'expert, . giving evidence m» a case recently, said that eggs showed their nationality by their .shells and their fertility. ; It: is true that some of them come -from an: ancient race. .'- ', The average d New Zealand elector \ takes m more ■•.pledges than a pawn- ; broker. But unlike Uncle Jacob, he makes rib interest on his pledges. . The .elector takes the pledge, auxbthe v politician takes the interest. 1 I . .'- • ■•' "■'■■•'• ■;■•■■■ • '.•■■■ |"

ALL. PRIZES. -:

: The slavey has her little gifts, -■ The waiter, tips, he works, The lift-boy daily has- liis lifts, ;, . The . boozer has his perks ; • And things are nice and pleasant, 1 For we all haye — the present.' Another doctor has discovered that we are all. wrong m our -sleeping habits. He says that we should put the pillow underneath our feet; , as ■ the head should be lower than the; feet m sleep. If this is done, the , re-r suits are amazing-." Probably, if another crank discovers that humanity ought to sleep standing- on its head, the results would be still more amazing.' v .;■•• " .."' ;. v :_'/''. •■:■■ From the Hawera- "Stac." :-— >. • APOLOGY. . . I desire to publicly express, my regret for picking flowers from ■ Kin* Edward Park ; and also to thank- the Caretaker- for his kindness m dealiimleniently with me in'my wrong- doing-. 'I may. also state that 1 have giver? compensatidh for' damage done by m j. (Signed) W. . S. Lockhart. -.-•.■■ How like the "Wowser." He does; harm and when bowled out squirms and wriggles.

"Powelka:, .'Nuffin*-. doinf," JJnusA '.police .report. ' ' tit's hard vto&keep -a^gootl man .down :— think of 3onah- • * ■■'•.' ' * Rhetorical flowers, of the foresfc'-T Isitt, the fidgety,, on the Financial ■ Statement. ' *■ * -» * ' i It iS'vA strange thing that Jock" -Findlay wants to stand for a place , -■where he can't sit. ' # • m a * They, have formed a Young Men's Prohib Brigade at Invercargill. A sort of set-off td'-the "keggers;" no doubt. m m » , Distrust the .man wi,o frequently says he does- a thing oh principle. All the mean „thmgs are done on .principle. . ! ♦ A wife -has asked for '■ a separation because her husband coirnplained of her cookdng. Perhaps she made a "■hash" of everything. • •• *" It is hereby denied . that Powellca was full-back for the police football ' team that went under to a team ofWellington pressmen last Saturday. • • - • With unconscious irony a misprint iii the financial column of a contemporary' states that "all the snares m the new- issue have been al-, lotted." „ t „ Prisoners have escaped from the Gisborne and W,estport gaols within the past week or" so. And the Minister of Justice denies £fee necessity for a public inquiry. A Christchurch tailor quotes Baconspeare as an indication of his prices : f.' Costly thy habit ' as thy purse can buy." One doesn't often find this engaging- frankness in' regard to 'dear clothes.

.THE: SONG- OF THE "SUUI&T."

"I do. not think there are sixiaen' m Sydney who can drink .ao much colonial beer as I can. My .backer will put up £20 to- say - that I can tdi-ink 50 full pints of beer, prbvid- ■ itig, of course, the. day on' %yhich I ai.lenipl it be a warm oiie If. the day happens to be wet .or' cold, 4 1 , would for sure- have my usual number of glassesi of -ruin before breakfast, ajad perhaps then 1 might /not be able to swallow quite as man;^ •pots.' "—Mr Eddy Yean, champion ''beer chewer." Drink, drink- ; drink, ; . „ , ■With never " : a pause- nor a nist'.. When .'the sun gets tip m the cold ■ grey dawn, •:' . Till the sun goes down! m tshe west. Drink, drink, drink, , , "With' never a falter, nor hurt, 1 The Champion sits "a giving it fits,*' As- he sings the- .song: -of .the '.' "squirt." : ' '':> <\ : '■ . /■"■"■ ■■■.'.■-'. .! :.: '■ ■■■- ...,--. ■ . ■ Drink; drink, drink/ ■ -: „ . -. ■ AVhiJst the . gui-glirig taps run: free. : (You mig-ht knpw, Eddy Yean,*- that 1 i haven't a ibean, '■ " • '; v . Arid I'd -gladly, change places with- ■ -. • -thee-)''; ... ... j' ,i - • Drink, - drink ■■■ drink, : - \ Whilst the barmaid, pretty : and . .-/ pert,-- " , . ■■■;■;, .-. ' ..- ■.•;■■ Giggles and jumps, as she jerks, the pumps, ' And sings the song of the "squirt." Drink,, drink, drink, Six . gallons of ■ 'rig-ht good 1 cheer', ---" - And I plight "my troth, a« I blow . ' . . t-lie frpth.' '• 'V' . . . '. To the amber-eyed. Goddess 6i > Beer ; : / ." \ . Oh, others with spirits and wines, Lioueurs, arfd stransre .|.>otiora'niay "flirt. But I swear till , ail's biro to (}r'r\k fair and be true • To the golden-haive:l C'ciMe?s of Squirt."