THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 317, 22 July 1911, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

Who can undaunted brave the Critic's rage. Or note unmoved his mention m toe Critic's page, Parade his error m the public eye, And Mother Grondy's rage defy ?

The latest name for Sir Jock Pindlay is "Sancho Panza." Needless to remark Sirjoe is Don Quixote. ■k a » If there is a "Yellow Peril" m the Dominion, the best way to get rid of it is to give . Lionel Terry his liberty. . • • >s What's m a name ? A Paeroa man named Penny has been appointed to a job at Palmerston worth. £300 per annum. A pretty penny that. •• • ■ A motor-car funeral is latest — Auckland's latest. Well, if the motor hog isn't more careful there'll be plenty of "em, because deaths due to reckless driving have become very prewalent lately, and citizens can't be expected to take it lying down. None ever accused Joe Ward of being a humorist, but he is when away from home. In a speech m London, following ■ Andy Fisher, who is Scotch, ye ken, Sirjoe is reported to' have declared that m New Zealand the Scottish tongue is spoken more fluently than m Scotland, and he instanced the fact that m one town of the Dominion there was a statue of Bobby Burns who faced a pub. and kept his back to the kirk. Fancy Joe saying such a thing m New Zealand to a Prohibition audience. Not much. , • as A Dunedin tram conductor writes denying that the tramway men are opposed to the new regulations proposed by the Government. On the contrary, they are delighted to hear that over-crowding , is to be stopped, for it i takes conductors all their time to get through the cars when ordinary rushes are on, and consequently mistakes are made for which they are carpeted. If short m their cash bags the men must make good the deficiency, but when ; there happens to be a surplus, that is collared for the trams. Seems to "Critic" that mostly all tramways are worked on the cock-eyed principle of what's yours is mine and what's mine is my own. • » ■ The scow Whangaroa, which it was reported the other day had been abandoned near Lord Howe Island, has a lovely record. In August, 1894, it seems to have set out on a career of misfortune, because it was stranded at Hokitika. In July, 1897, whilst loaded with coal from Newcastle, it was stranded near the mouth of the Manawatu River. Next year, m October, it . landed on a reef near Kapiti Island. All seems to have gone well until 1907, when it bumped into the Italian barque St. Joseph, and was towed into Sjftmey harbor. In February of this year it was stranded at Karamea. Now it has been abandoned, and it is to be hoped that no one will rescue it. It would be a shame.

The rumor that ex-Captain Knyvett bad accepted a commission m China is denied. Japanese papers please copy. * o • The Sheffield choir cleaned up nearly £3000 m Dunedin. Just fancy the "saxpences" that have disappeared. • • a An individual at the recent Masterton elocution competitions , was advised by one of the judges to have bis teeth attended to. The individual m question was a dentist. » • • "Go on the land, young man, go on. the land." At Kapuni, m the Taranaki district the other evening, farewell was said to eight settlers who, with their families, were leav-. ing the district. Apparently it is not kapai at Kapuni. « • • Fullers' Pictures at Timaru got a splendid advertisement the other day when the proprietary were convicted of overcrowding on the birth night of our most Gracious King. Most theatrical managers .welcome a prosecution of that description. • * • "Critic" read somewhere the other day that one of the treasured possessions of the Crown Prince of G-ermany was a scrap book containing over 1000 pages of adverse criticism. If our "Dictator" went m for a similar scrap-book he'd require a special library built. •' • • An agricultural paper informs us that some Southland farmers tried to kill thistles by a free application of whey. The thistles, we learn, throve, but the grass was absolutely destroyed. It occurs to "Critic" that it was a wrong "whey" to destro3' thistles. They should be sat on. • • ■ The Press Association or some evil person has been agoing of it. . ,g;tin. Jimmy Carroll Jown at Timaru, it made him declare tbpt mountain "dew" affected his voice. The correction since forthcoming is that it was "am" that he said. "Dew" couldn't possibly have that effect on Jimmy. m • • Another case of a report of death i being "greatly exaggerated^ comes [ from Dannevirke. A local resident received a telegram that a friend was dead, where it should have read "bad." There should be a V ad time ahead for some "lightning jerker." Anyhow, some people when sending telegrams write execrable' fists, and if any mistake is made the operator is blamed. • « • Edgar R;' Waite, m the course of a science lecture m Chvtstchurch, was responsible for the statement, that a horse could not "fall and break its knees," as was popularly supposed, but really fractured its "wrists," which is probabiy new even to some students of anatomy. The assumption was that the. unfortunate moke had its arms on the ground m front, and fractured those limbs, which corresponded m formation with the fighting limbs of a human being. • * * How they love their whisky m the King Country. At Taumarunui recently a man from Raurimu was prosecnted for sly-grog selling. He admitted receiving 21 bottles of the hard tack per week, but said that he had procured the liquor for himself and friends, and they subscribed the cost between them. The case could not have been a very strong one as the Magistrate dismissed the case, but not before he had. something to say about the large supplies ordered and swallowed at the one sitting. How the nights must pass at Raurimu. • « m The "Costs" person who tries to make copy for the reporters, and incidentally a thumping big advertisement for himself, will not m New Zealand take very much '• to heart the suspension for "twelve months of Lawyer Newton, the chap who acted the solicitor for the lately deceased Mr Crippen. Newton's offence, m the mind of the English judges, was that he boomed himself too znuch, and went so far as to fake confessions and other little items m connection with the Ci-ippen case. Newton is one ,of those "smart" men who curse the lejral profession. Of course, the English judges are great stickj lers for le^al "etiquette, and come down hard and heavy on the offender. If New Zealand judges were to take a lesson m austerity from their brethren it would be a bad look-out for many of the "Costs" coves m the Dominion. But then English judges don't take extra pay for extra work.

Who is to be the next High Commissioner m London ? please do not speak at once. If signs count for anything there j is going to be a big split up m. New Zealand politics shortly.. • • ■ Some of our country, papers-are becoming quite democratic, and refuse to recognise a baronet when • they see one. It is quite the correct thing now to refer to Sirjoe and party us "the Wards." Oh I i a * ■ The "Bottle-O" man reaps a big harvest m , No-license districts. One of him states that since Master ton went "dry" he has collected over 2000 bottles m the district. It's an ill wind that doesn't blow-some-body good. • • * Oysters are very popular just now at Whangarei. The reason is to be found m the fact that a resident while opening what the bucolic reporter is apt to term "the succulent bivalve" found a pearl of, according to a local paper, intrinsic value. If not careful somebody will be finding an- early grave,, or a pain under the "pinny." c » •» It is about up to hospital nurses to form a union, when the Westland Hospital Board advertises m the Christchurch papers for a probationer nurse at £20 per annum. These nurses work long hours and go through greater drudgery than the ordinary "slavey," and the reason why they accept penurious pay isn'tapparent on the surface. • • • Canterbury College Board of Governors has arranged for a series of popular science lectures, the first of which has been delivered by Edgar Waite, curator of , CanterburyMuseum. He chose "Whales" as bis subject, which is probably the largest subject he could have chosen for his opening lecture, tinless he chose some monsters of the dim and distant past. It is anticipated that "mice" will be the subject of the next lecture. 1 * « * Some children are born m the. purple, some with silver spoons m their mouths, some are born to greatness and most to misery. It is, however, difficult to say what an illegitimate at Gisborne is bom to. In a recent affiliation case a daddy who disputed paternity was, m addition to being ordered to pay 10s weekly, saddled with £33 birth expenses, £25 maintenance, £2 2s soliditor's fee, and was required to find security for £100 . for compliance with the order. In the circumstances that baby has been bom to a lot orswearing. '- a • ■ Protests against Joe Ward's acceptance of a baronetcy are already beginning to filter into public print, and they are not confined to the- . Labor, Party, although the Christchurch South branch of toilers passed a vigorous resolution the other night. • It was resolved that the branch should record its protest against representatives of the Dominion accepting ' gifts of empty titles, which were anything but conducive to the furtherance of • democratic principles m this part of the Empire. It was resolved to congratulate Andrew . Fisher, Prime. Minister of Australia, upon his refusal of any bauble that would give a handle to his name, such distinctions being calculated to sap the independence of men of ability such, as Andrew had proved himself to- ; be. Sir Joe will have to get a.; .hustle on before November next, in-i ■the political »ense. « a a 1 A gentleman with the extraordinary name of Blank is put on by the Education Board m Canterbury to look after recalcitrant kids or youngsters who are not permitted to go to school by their parents. As a rule mother appears m court, father being away at graft, but a red-whiskeretl gentleman named Myers appeared m person the other day and after a verbally pugilistic encounter with Blanck, who is very strenuous m conducting his cases, he asked the truant inspector, "Is there anything m your regulations to permit a child to starve all day without a fire ?" The aggressive officer was somewhat flabbergasted, and for the first time on record m the court returned an evasive answer. "I don't know what you mean," he said. The youngster m the case was a girl of fourteen, who looked two years older, .and she testified to the absence of comfort m the way of fire at the school which »he had to attend. Myers, with great persistency, averred that he would bring the matter before the Education Department m Wellington, but m spite of his pro- I testations. which occupied an un- ; conscionable portion of the court's [ time. he was lined the usual j amount. The cold m Christchurch j has been intense during the latter j Tjart of this winter, however, and j it is a question whether Iho absence: of fire during one particular part : of the day shouldn't fox'in the sub- { ject of investigation, !