THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 265, 23 July 1910, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

Wbo can undauatetl brave tlie Critic's rage? Ornoteurunovedhismentioniniibe Critic's j>ag«? Parade his error m the public eye 1 And Mother Qrundy's rage defy?

Mr Winston Churchill, Home Secretary, has decided that prisoners who are not sentenced to hard labor need not bathe. Evidently Mr . Churchill regards the bath as a kind of .punishment.

Little "Tahmy" Burns is said to have signed a contract. to fight Johnson agaiii. It will require a lot of newspaper skitc to persuade the public that he has any chance against the long coon.

George Reid, Australia's High Commissioner, must be going "barmy." At the American banquet m London a few days ago he mentioned "the three great powers —the United States, Great Britain, and Australia." The fat 'un would probably claim to be one of the three great men of. the world, the other two being Kaiser Bill and Jack Johnson.

Marie Leroy, the lady who ; for years masqueraded as a man m Britain, m order to shield a female friend's reputation, was something out of the common. She must have been a freak. The average woman would have gathered ail the condemnatory evidence she could find to put her erring sister's pot on. Hats ofi to Marie Leroy.

Dr. , Graham Bell, the inventor of the telephone, is visiting Australia, and has promised to give information before ,the Postal Commission. Reversing the old order of things : ' . In days of old the bell was tolled, The curfew then was yelling,; But here to-day, at least they say That Bell will do some telling. i ■' ■■•■ ■■.':■ If the wowsers got their way boxing championships of the future will be decided* by the candidates being required to answer certain questions, as, for; Instance : The best way to avoid an uppercut ; .what to do upon receipt of a prod m the biiigie, or the probable effect of a 600 ft. blow upon the listening organ: By a simple arrangement like that much effusion of blood could be avoided, and the superior brain of the white .would undoubtedly triumph oyec the golden teeth of the nigger. ;

A country organ of public" opinion v re- ' cords the return of the local sawbones frqm a holida" jaunt, and adds : "He has brought . a motor-car home with him, and it is seriously feared .by some that motoring will displace bowels, m his affec- < tions. But," the scribe adds, hopefully, "that is not likely to happen." Of course not. Any resident whose misfortune it' j may be to have his bowels displaced by a motor, whether the doctor's or another's,,'will find the organs the subject of the same compassion as aforetime.

Kaiser Bill is an up-to-date monarch, and particularly wide awake. Owing to tihe increased expenditure, for which new battleships and the Kaiser's own rise m screw were partly responsible, it became necessary to impose fresh taxation, and, amongst other articles, wines were heavily levied upon. The duties came into force on June 30, and, m order to beat the Customs, Bill of the sore ear imported several truck loads of champagne from Prance a few days before the end of the month. Pine patriotic fellow, Bill !

The daily yellow press has much to for. One of the boys connected with the shooting at a Chinaman affair at Paraparaumu, when, under arrest; told Detective Cassells that he was a reader of Deadwood ' Dick literature, and had greedily devoured all that had been published by the daily press concerning Powelka. To show what sort of hero Powelka was, the foolish youth, a boy of sixteen, wanted, when at the Lambtonquay lock-up, to be placed m the same cell that Ppwelka had occupied.

An anti-Socialist leader m Lunnon Intends to train lecturers, and afterwards engage' them at a salary of £100 a year to spruik about Socialism. The temper ol the thnets augurs well for the success of the fathead's hobby, as shoals of bipeds will talk themselves hoarse for a couple of pounds a week. And there seems to be. a golden opportunity now for the singlc-:tax' silly billies, cold tea coots, and those seized with the prohibition frenzy to leave their billet lor- a better one, where the money is certain while the lunacy lasts.

A country organ of public opinion, m reporting a swagger local wedding and the recent Reno scrap, unluckily transposed the headings. The title to the hitching-up ceremony appeared as "The Fight," while the lurid details of- what the wowsers call "that brutal display of savagery" were capped with "Orange Blossoms." No doubt there were a few blossoms of various hues on Jell's dial, while possibly it would he pretty correct to designate the splicing business, or rather, its aftermath, as a fight, a fight to a finish, but it is certainly not m accord with journalistic rules to knock the romance out of the great event m such cruelly frank style.

"Never walk fast m the streats," said Lord Chesterfield ; "it is a mark of vulgarity ill fitting the character of a gentleman or a man of fashion, though it may be tolerable m. a tradesman." Heavens, what a number of persons parading New Zealand city streets on Saturday nights believe this stuff of Chesterfield's. Down the block and back again, looking for one another, and getting, lost, onl;y to console themselves with another fellow's sister, and begging pardons, smiling sweetly, then sickly, without the price of a new hat m six pockets. What a mad world is this, my masters. And every Saturday night the World over seems something alike.

A lay preacher ,i* Tokomairiro lately surprised a local girl by calling her '"a very sanrtoxious. young lady ir How sweet.

One Forbes McLeoch a Scottish evangelist, has descended 'on Timaru, where the subject of . his last address was, "Tears on Earth ; Tears m Heaven ; Tears m Hell." If the tears fell m abundance they would 'be greatly appreciated m the last-named place.

A good idea of the size of theifttfental Hospital at" T^ofirua can be gathered from the amount of bread eaten there m a day. The great bakehouse turns out eighteen hundred 41b loaves m a week. The consumption is about .lOOotb a day. And • not even a mention of a fish.

In 1864 the. public debt of New Zealand was six million, sterling, and during the past forty-sjx years it 3ias risen to seventy million sterling. Posterity pays, so what's the matter V And what with Boer War contingents, dreadnoughts, etc., noboßy to datej'has scored a biaronetcy, .'.■■'"' " ' .

What one newspaper regards as remarkable, artd what "Critic" considers bad luck, is the state of an Ashibttrton resident who, though not having partaken of food for five weeks, has an unquenchable thirst. Just fancy, an unquenchable thirst m prohibited AjShburton ! Get thee to a brewery. , •

The following advertisement appeared m a Balclutha paper recently : "Thanks. — I desire to thank the contemptLtjla thief who stole a long length of Cotton Rope out of -my stable last Thursday, and I hope he mil hans himself with, it." Strange, but no mysterious suictde has beon reported to date.

If a recent cablegram is cocrect, it would appear to a southern paper that Lady Stout has been adding to the gaiety of nations by solemnly declaring m the, staid columns of the London "Times" thai the granting .of. female franchise has increas^md the biftli-rate, m ' Australasia it Well, let ub have mote Franchise and servant girls. . •

From Scotch Dunedin :— , Elderly Gentleman wishes correspond elderly lady (45), view matrimony ; without encumbrance ; .with small capital ; I have small income weekly. — Address by letter, . "I have spnall income weekly" reads like an hotel-broker's gag. ' • •• • It has come at last. King George V. was -recently written ■to by a fond mamma, of Wokington, England, inSorming him that she had given Mrth to triplets, who had been' baptised, Edward, George, and Alexandra, m honor of the Royal Family. George might well exclaim, m the language of the "King of CadoDia," "Why write 'to. me ?" B » •> "Disappointment m my matrimonial affairs" was the excuse offered to the Haw-ke's Bay Land Board for non-com-pliance with the residentiial clause by a female who had drawn a Te Arai section. The shelved one was given another three months m which to make the recalcitrant one ■■ toe tie scratch. Here is an incentive/ for some male to go on the land. <P

A witness fn > a tjruancy case at the last sitting of the Winton; Court referred to the chairman of the school committee as a Tjiachpelior, and argued that as such he. could n^t be expected to know much of ebiMren and their ailments. , "Critic" joins issue. What, bachelors don't know of tjhe ailments of Mds isn't worth, knowing. Besides, there are lots of bachelors who are fathers.

What with the controversy about whether the pictures shall be shown or not, and other little matters, the JohnsonJeftries fight has a lot to answer for. For instance, a fellow m Stratford, who was before the court on a judgment summons, said he had put a tenner on Jeffries, and made sure that by doing that he was certain to put. his finances on a sound footing. It is shocking to think lhat Jeffries didn't do a bit more for his Stratford friead.

To whatever it is due, a visitor to tiaiigiora from lnyerQargill informed several acqiiainoanoed the other day that the quantity of Worcester , sauce, painkiller, pluan wine and chlorodyne sold there is greater! ■than any other .place he knows of m New Zealand. The only cause he could give far it was that these liquids are taken as a substitute,, for aicqholia liquors. Well, what price "painkiller" for that morning headache ? Just one of the curses of prohibition.

A striking instance of Oriental courtesy is reported from Shepherd's Bush, London. A numLter of Japanese who had gone to do a lot of hammering! m the hack garden of the House at which they were itxyin^, called on all jthc nc l i{ihj 1 j. 1 0--s, un-l, iii)oloa-,ifaung for the noise, presented the lady of the house with an exquisite joii!qiuct of artilicial flowers. Stvikimg, itn't it ? "'.Critic" remembers the Oriontal courtesy of some Wellington China;ncn m giving presents of fruit to innocent chiklren. Our criminal records provide the sequel.

At a recent Conciliation Coun.il meet ing down south, one Hopkins, manager of the Belfast Freezing Works, said that mo fewer than seventeen awards applied 'to the different workers employers there, •.hi almost endless trouble Avas caused •m seeing that no breaches occurred. A clerk was !:ept for the solo purpose of w-Ling that the different awards were observed. We'l, what of that ? The capitalist squeals if the worker disregards an award, and has him punished ; hut because Fat has to employ a cleric to icooj) him up to scratch l:e squeals. Oh, Fat, thy name is howl J

A man advertised the ottoer day for a house-feeeper for a farm, but apparently he didn't want to get any applications, for he stipulated "no men." The majority of women wouldn't like a place Hire that. - , • ' , •

From a newspaper ad. : — "Louvre Box — The picture on the box is of the artist herself, and her little daughter, filled with mixed biscuits." Fancy mother and daughter being "filled with mixed biscuits !"

Somebody advertised recently : "-Wanted, woman to wash, once a week." Well, it's to be hoped some kind, motherly female will offer herself to he washed ; ami a wash once a week shouldn't hurt a healthy woman.

"Retired Publican" advertises m a daily paper seeking suburban house property m which to invest £s<ooo. This partiality for a terrace of houses suggests, that "Retired Publican" is also a retired policeman.

A Maori standing outside an Auckland newspaper office viewing the result of the Jeff- Jacko scrap, declared his intention of knocking the head off the first blank nigger he met.. The dajgo evidently doesn't draw the color line.

A boat-load of Sunday school teachers and children recently capsized m Turnberry Bay, Ayrshire, and five of the nippers were drowned. If the unfortunate children had practised swimming instead of singing hymns, their lives might have been saved.

A sailor had shown a lady over a ship at Wellington. In thanking him, she said, "I am sorry to see .by the rules that tips are forbidden on your ship." "Lor bless you, mum," replied the man, as he twiddled his fingers, "so were apples m the garden of Eden."

The Governor-General of South Africa is trying to obtain some credit for remaining neutral during the political fight m that Union; It is just as well, perhaps, that he has decided to look on, as the self-governing dependencies don't takeVltoo kindly ;to! inlerfetefence m uieur affairs by gilded flunkies from Home.

It is recorded by the daily press, who have a keen scent for strictly moral and mild sensations, that recently m London hansom cabs were sold for twenty-five shillings. Looking at the majority of New Zealand cabs a man is liable to think that he'd be overcharged at that price even if the horse were thrown m.

Speaking at Dunedin recently, Dr. Henry, the leading light of the soul-sav-ing mission to the New Zealand 'heathen, made a great song about the American Sunday newspapers, stating that the Sunday newspaper kept more people .out of church than anything else. Isn't this sufficient justification for their existence V

A Chinese answering to the name of Ah Chin arrived at Hobart last week from Melbourne. Pie produced naturalisation papers, but failed to pass the dictation test. Though Ohm by name, he evidently was not able to chin well enough to satisfy the Customs officials, so was forcibly detained pending further inquiries.

The Dean of Norwich says that King George is not "unsober," aHd that it is Hi to untrue that he married a girl m Malta. He says that George won't take a glass Of rum or beer, or kiss a lass, 0a. 1 do a thing. I'm disappointed, I confess ; But still I sing with heartinessGod help our King. A correspondent writing to ,the daily, press suggests an "anti-fool" act. There is a good deal of sense m the idea, b,ut if ever it should come to pass, is alarmed to think how lots of people he knows will fare. A good many of them, wearing fine linen just now, will be glad to don hand-me-downs directly. Once suppress the fools, and the men he has m mind will have to take on hard work.

Bastile Day doesn't appeal much to New Zealandeis, and probably there weren't many of them who remember (if they knew) that July 14 last was the hundred and twenty-first anniversary of the fall of the big French state prison, and the practical commencement of the bigger Revolution. Perhaps the public eelqbration of tie event was more noticeable m Dunedin than anywhere else m New Zealand, as the master of the French ship Bpssuet, which was m port at the time, had all his flags out for an* airing.

An "Elderly Gentleman" who advertised m the papers recently for a wife may have had, as he said, a little capital and a small weekly income, but he didn't display mu«h gallantry. He aske:l for applications from any "elderly lady (45)" who was longing for company. Now, he ought to know very well that a woman won't stand being "called "elderly" when she's only forty-five. Why a lady doesn't get "kittenish" until she's over fifty, so she would need to be pretty ancient before slit becomes "an old cat"— which is as good as saying "eMeriy."

Wcnlerful. have been the achievements of the moving picture art. From Paris "Critic" learns of still 'more wonderful things. They can be set down thus : (1) A great surgeon rcsoved to have all his big operations kinematographod for the benefit of students and posterity. (2) The operator turned a dishonest pound by selling Ihe films. (3) A groat iady, late ly convalescent, got the shook of her life when, at a theatre, she saw hevscK brought cut and scientifically carved— on the screen-'.for the amusement of the crowd. (4) The surgeon is claiirim; damages from the operator. All sorts of possib'i'lil'ies can •'j 1 1.1* 1 convuwvl up from this set or Tacts. Why, nothitp;' mil) j,<> sacrel. I* T ot even- but 'Critic"' aiust draw the veil.