"Silence it, the Coort!"

NZ Truth, Issue 251, 16 April 1910, Page 1

"Silence it, the Coort!"

Witness : "I arrovc at 10 a.m. itt the morning." . ■ . • • Drunk : "I never stoic anything away. I'm too slow for that." ■"■"• • ■ Defendant (charged with sly-grog selling) : "I plead guilty under provocation." _.■■'• •■■■.•' v o :■" ' ■ Oft-convicted drunk (pi .ding for a chance) : "You're only- keeping me from work." . • \ - • ; Accused (pleadingly) : "I have never been m trouble before." The S.M. : "I suppose the pitcher has been to the well often." ' Witness: "All his eyes were blacked." Sergeant: "Are you sure of that?" Witness : "Well, either they were all blacked or all but one." ■■«■•■ • • •> • •'■.' ■ '. ; Magistrate: "Is this the first time you ; have been here ?" Accused : "No, I came' down here last week to hear the evidence m the assault case against Jim Burke." ' .". . * w 4 Accused (charged with sly grog selling) to Magistrate: "Couldn't I have sold a dozen of beer before three o'clock ?" The S.M. : "I'm sure I don't know how the trade is." '■-"..• 9 . ■ ' • Sergeant: "Now,- aren?t • you well^ known as a drunkard ?" The alleged vagrant : "No ; I've drunk nothing but water for the past year." Sergeant: "Apparently water is scarce— -you don't seem to have been able to satisfy your thirst and wash your face with the water you could get." Magistrate: "What's your name ?" Accused : "John Smith." Magistrate : "But m the information you are called Samson Smith.!' Accused : "That's my Biblical nickname." Magistrate: "Your what ?" Accused : "Biblical 'nickname. They call me that because my wife cuts my hair." * The orderly (to lady witness) : "Take! the testament m your right hand." His j Worship: "Wait a moment." 'To. wit•ness) : "What is your age ?" Lady witness : "Thirty-eight." His Worship : "Now swear .her." The orderly : "You , will swear, to speak the truth, the whole truth," etc. ; ■ ■ « ' - • ■ ■ ■> . Judge: "You allege that your husband deserted you, but he says that you told j him. he need not come home again when | he. complained, that you would have to change < the dog you had for another." Applicant for divorce : "I had to use my discretion, and thought a new husband would be cheaper than a new dog." ■ . ■•• ■ . ». ■ • • Counsel : "You are a pugilist ?" Complainant : "Yes." Counsel : "You won a championship, I believe ?" Complainant: "I did." Counsel : "Yet you say this little fellow inflicted those dreadful injuries on you." Complainant : "Well, if I wasn't inked at the time, he'd have as much chance with me as a snowball m Sheol." .1 „ ■■■■ V *. ; .. . .. Sergeant : "This man lives m Blankstreet. While .going home last night m the dark he was heard to say : " — - — this mud; it'd give a man the . ■'. „.....■■.— pip.' " Magistrate (who also lives m Blank-street) : "The accused should remember that on. many occasions it is dangerous to tell the truth. Pined 405." •• • . Judge : "On what grounds, madam, do you ask for a divorce ?" Applicant : "I married my husband when he was sixtyfivej' and m proposing to me he said : Twill die for you.' " Judge: "I believe that is one of the usual things to say, and I can't see how it could be made a ground for divorce." Applicant: "He didn't die." . - • ■ • ■ Magistrate: "I am sorry to see a young man filte you here on a charge of vagrancy. Can't you manage to pull up and lead a regular life ?" Accused : "For the past year up to six weeks ago I led a very regular life and worked hard." Magistrate : "What led you to desert that mode of life?" Accused: "They let me out of gaol." • * » Sergeant : "You say that you were standing outside a hotel, when the person you are charged with assaulting came up and said to you : 'Blessed is the man j i that walkcth not m the counsel oE the | ungodly,' or words to that effect. Now, j can yoii give us . any reason why he should I I say that to you?" Accused: "I don't know why he siiid it. He appears to be a bibulous person." • . » > • His Worship : "Was the accused sober?" Witness,: "Well, he looked muzzy." His Worship : "What do you mean by that'?" Witness : "He looked either drunk or a shingle short." His Worship : "A what ?'' Witness : "A screw loose." His Worship: "I don'b understand you." Witness : "He seemed to have a rat m his garret." His Worship : "Oh, speak English !" Witness: "Off his dot— balmy— dilly." Sergeant : "He says the man was mad, your Worship." Witness : "No ; I didn't. I said he was either drunk or ratty." His Worship : "That will do. You can stand down." I