THE CRITIC.

NZ Truth, Issue 181, 5 December 1908, Page 1

THE CRITIC.

Who can undaunted brave tlio Oritie's rase? Ornote unmoved hi9inention m the Critic's ,>ege? . Parade his error m tt a public eye ? • indMother Qrundy'e vage defy? .y One is never too old to yearn. Lights that fail— had; matches. '• • « Woman poses. Man pro-poses. .■■» • ■ . To the prurient all things are "impure. * • : • It takes a sea-son to melt a tarry rope ! More than plots are hatched m parks. ' ** ■ ■ Who keeps the divorce court booming V The lodger. . 7■' ' • Desperate flirtations ./ require desperate antidotes ! .- «• ■ • - o Oh tap even m, - Jhe hottest isummes— the typewriter £

! Never fails to -take his cue— the biUiaraisfcj -■• • ■ • .- ■ • • ■ - . __• •■■ • . •*■••*. „ Many a. man gets a fright on Ms wedding 'day. • • • • , ■ ' •..'■■»■' . '; A dead "jockey often gives a new lease of life to the bookmaker. ; The damsel crossed m love usually has greatest cause for regret. / \ • .■- ■ * .. .■/ It' is very "irrigating" to be caught m the rain, without an ucibrella. .* ■>■ .. •' ■'.■ /' ■ » It is the shy girl who is generally the gamest when it xomes'to the pinch. A man., pulls himself, together with a brandy and soda ; a woman— with a staylace !. * ■ '• ■ • Far- from "a spade a spade," some of our 'dailies call a "fake" a "scoop." ~ ' • ■ '•■• .'.'•■ A bachelor's toast : "Here's wishing that Adam had died with all his ribs m Ips body V . ! •'"'.• • • A man who stakes to the pot is generally the cause of his wife taking to IJhe tub— : the . wash-tub. /-'. ■ ■• ■*•/.■•■ • ■ • • The ghost walks on pay-day, but tine spectre of the waiting Jew is never -far from the pay-window » • *■•''. ' l * Many a .jockey \ ge^fcs the . reputation lor riding stiff when ufnbeknown to him faMs riding a stuffed mount. • » All the world's a stage, and all the men • and wo,jnen "Critic" ever knew wanted to be stage managers. * .■''•• . * A suburban dairyman advertises that he is prepared to supply "Milk and fresh eggs from sound, healthy cows." * ■ • • There is a wild talk of starting an "Anti-Ki§sing League." The nice girls we know are against, it 'to a man. '•■'■ * . ■' ' .. '■■' ■ . * '.. '• ' Even Count Zeppelin cannot ' always rise to /the occasion. If he could h» wouldn't* be bursting his blooming balloons. * ■ " • ' . .«■ If you happen to have a hole m . your character, why not plug it with soap to prevent inquisitive people from peering through ? Don'.t , always imagine that it is modesty that makes a girl refuse' to climb a barbed-wire fence— it may only be a hole m her stocking. * ' • , • A woman, m her wisdom, knoweth when; love is done;, but a man m his folly always keeps trying to stir up > the flames ,till it is overdone. A' mat-, has been fined m Melbourne for throwing his wooden leg at, his -wife. This seems a "leg'it-a-mate" action on his part, logically considered. ' * ■ ■ •■ . ' • A young lady was recently severely punished by- her parents because her glove was found m a young man's pocket. "Critic" feels sure she hadn't a hand m it. » • » Why is a misogynist" like an epithalamijumi?. .- . What, " doncberknow ? It's dead easy. Just grab the. dictionary and see. , . Answer : Both are averse to a bride ! There is only one, way -a nighty woman can purchase absolute freedom, and that; is to splice an easy-going, unsuspicious bloke with, a fair amount of boodle, or a fat billet. •» « « -They have -a very business-like way of , doing things iri Pekih, which is said to be much relieved at the-- simultaneous disappearance from public life of both the Emperor and- Bmpress-Do wager. • * . ■ ■ RECORD-BREAKING. Of all long-distance champions— well, Our nurses are unique. For they go on with scarce a spell, And walk from weak to weak. * • • There is a great to-do m (Saxony because a lawyer has been shot. What a day of general jubilation there would be m Wellington if there could be a day .set apart for potting our legal "blokes ! * .*'■ • ' • Defeated candidates all over the country just now are being presented with purses of quidlets. "Critic" on the offchance will come to lis;lit next election. A purse of toys is not to be sneezed at. They come m handy_. * .• . ■ » Last Sunday a certain Pcesbyterial parson, preaching on gambling, asked : "What would yotu say if the Moderator of the Presbyterian Assembly won ±110,000 m Tattersalls ?"■ "Critic" would say parsons and Chinamen always have the luck." * " • • Church notice at . Inglewood : "Mr John Chang will sing <a hymn m the Presbyterian Church, on Sunday next, m the Chinese language." And the aver- < age hymn done to death m English is i bad enough. But m Chinese well it's \ only a new dodge for snapping up sundry "scrums." ..••■'• • "Gas and oil engines .second to none ; centrifugal piumps, great lifters, simple and low m price," runs the aHvt. If this is a gentle allusion to aldermaniacs and beer-sparrers, the cost ol upkeep should be taken into consideration. But, ye gods, fancy terming a councillor an oily gas engine second to none ! *• • ' According to Madame dc Stael, woman, m Irhe hour of danger, thinks least ot herself. "Critic" seconds the motion, tie knows, that when .the thunder roars and ■ the lightning Hashes, and the sky weeps, woman, lovely woman, so coy anii hard to please, devotes her agony '.o r«»! i thought that her new hat an.. ;. • ■• ' . :'. '. be ruined.

Earthquakes are responsible for ground rents, ■" "'■ ■*■'■■ • ' •*.■•■ The right thing said, at .the right mo^ meat: C^omeanaveadrinkjj •• *••• ■ , . * ■. ..■ •■. .:• It -does not always follow that a free r wheel is the cheapest bike. • "Silence, is; golden" is a motto thatnever applies ; to a nagging woman. c . . • a • A f ortorn ' hope : Hanging on "to a beVj ting ticket after a race in'hope of a pro-] test. .-'•.■;.'■ \ r ' ' j *■'■■■ 9 ■ +: People that are slow to promise are oft-en quick to perform if things don't turn •' out .well. ' ■ ' i ■ V ■ V • ■ • Better be /alone than m bad company. Some folk! would find this out of :ttte •question. : '. • . . •■ ■..*,• Some men never have a good word for their wives until they put a "tombstone on her grave. ' • ' ■. • If 'a man returns to dust, the rooster hasn't much to complain of, as he ends m being a duster. •■ • • When married people cannot come to terms their marriage usually terminates with somebody else. A parson named Maus recently died m Canada at the age of 118. And people say the good die young. The man with the latoh-key who is seen m the early dawn dabbing,, it all over the door is generally full-up of Yale. • ■• i * Some of our tramcars now have a nice new front, but it's nothing to the front some of the conductors and drivers have, • """ ' ■ • . * "Wireless .telegraphy be blowed !. It's nothing to the tireless pull-legraphy of the Wellington lugbiter out on a traybit hunting expedition. ♦ •■ .•■■.-■ • ■ The exodus of M.P.'s to Australia has set mi Just cases of putting on dorg. Our poor bled and • bleeding country. • ■ •• * ■■ ■ The bloke who battles to kiss a tart against her will has about as m|uch idea of making love as a boa-constrictor has of boiling a lobster. ■ ■ •■■.•' "Give me a copy of 'Antony and' Cleopatra.' " "Yes, sir— three shillings." "Dear me, I've only got eighteenpence— give me Cleopatra." • • • Dolly Djuckegg says she adores motoring, and the constant osculation doesn't trouble her a little =bit.' Dolly is a real terror for getting her words as well as her love affairs mixed. ■ >» • * "A quiet but pretty wedding !" Can't the Society papers get hold of a new. phrase m reporting the hitching of Mary Ann and John ? Year after year the same old "quiet but pretty" ceremony is written about, until it has become nauseating. •• ' w It reads very nicely 'm the newspaper that so-and-so- was presented withafpurse of sovereigns. "Critic" knows of an ih.stance where, last week, the purse contained two sovereigns and a half, and it took the r Electors all they Ihlew to collect that amount. 1• • * A Yankee girl, who has just obtained a .divorce, is said to have got married for a joke. Glory be! For a joke . ' 1 you ! Her idea ,of humor must fie as grim as that of the driver of a steam-roller who first ran over a pedestrian and then laughed at the funny impression his victim made on the road. •■• • ■ "What are they removing the church for ?^' inquired the newcomer. "Wai, stranger, I'm the Mayor of these 'ere diggings, an' I'm for law enforcement. We've got a hordinance which says no saloon shall be nearer than three hundred feet from a church. I gave 'em three days to move the chUroh." ■ • • The thanksgiving services lately held throughout New Zealand for the success of No-license sounds very much like blasphemy. The Loard seems to be blamed for not having had the cause carried everywhere. Hut then its the parsons' biz. to pray and take up a collection. Any old thing will do for a cadge. It's now being put about that the capers of sore-ear William of Germany are due to indiscreet indulgence m fizz. Next time the sauerkrauters are m a commotion the public can conclude that Bill's on another bender. If the king business peters out, the Potsdam potentate can lend himself out to the cold-tea party as another 'orrible example. •• • • A new motor-car appeared m the streets of Paris lately. Instead of dodging pedestrians, it drives straight towards them, picks them up, and plapes them on a seat m front of the car, i where they enjoy a comfortable ride bej fore they are gently deposited on tilie i ! pavement. For heaven's sake let 'em conic to Wellington, the morgue's always . handy. a ■ • SAD REFLECTIONS. Never were kisses so sweet as hers, Never were words so tender ; Never were eyes so Ml of light, ,-Never a waist so slender; . N Never again will her lips meet mine, For ever we two are parted ; Oh, how I miss- her— my love— to-night, As I sit here, broken-hearted. Only a trifle wrought my- woe, Only a fate malicious j Only a thoughtless word or two, Only an answer, vicious ; Qnlly a sulphurpus little scene '.','■ P -.. v,-r- }, r v ivirnod green and yellow — ■ > ' -^if's been and gone . ' ■ ■ ' . fe'lOW.; i

A married man's lift Is ottefi a life of ''fib^'-erty; ■ ' ■ * / : ' • »..■'. Going the rounds of the press— Girls who dance. ..■.*• - * .■ By others' faults, wise men correct their friends. •' . a a It's a bald head that know* its own halt restorer. '.•''•*"■ • • Boarding-Jiouse ; bread ! Tis but a little faded flour.. • ...••. -a Deride no man's infirmities, not even his mother-in-law. ' ■ •'"■•:. • * The best way 1 to spoil a child is to let it play with a lighted lamp. Women first tempted man to eat.- Hetook to drinking on his own account.. A girl who wants to retain a man's love will find it best not to return it. • a a ' When a woman speaks of the hours she ■- spends m reflection, she refers to, the; time :she spends before the mirror. a- a ■■ a •• A dead aotor is better dead than alive. When alive he can scaroe get a living, when dead he fills both box and pit. Farmers are anxious to know what they are to do with their superfluous milk., "Critic" advises them to cheese it, ,-.'■]■ m ; a a ■ Farmers raise corn, corn raises whisky, ' whisky raises politicians, -and politicians raise all the trouble that's .wanted m this country^ : , ' - • • • When .a man walks into an hotel and, swallows ten whiskies, one after another he may be said to have attained prominence at the bar.j V. a « • This paper heard vague rumors of an hotel at Lyttel ton that is conducted m 'a manner that would lead the/ casual stranger to suppose it was an open brothel. ? The, police are^oji the tracks a ' a « . ■ » . ' ■ There is. a ' Lonidon music-hall sensation' at last. On Tuesday evening, a woman ; performer, m. an act entitled "William Tell," firing at an apple on the head of the assistant, killed the latter., H r m, blood will tell. ■• a a Big, buck, black blok*, Johnson^ now wants two judges at the ring-side m the Boxing Day fight with Tommy Burns. -If this kind ot thing is m the wind, then the fairest plan will be to have .three 'judges and six juries,. a a a The English suffragettes tried to break up a meeting addressed by Birrell, Chief Secretary for Ireland, on November 13. It was a failure as a break-up, thirteen of them being fired m the gutter. They should try a luckicfr number next time. a•' • a : The Qld saying that you "can't get blood from a stone" has just got a thump m the jaw m Melbourne where Mr John Stone,, a . well-known, timber merchant, has just played football with the pail, leaving' property valued at £45,909. Who says a rolling stone gathers no moss ?, , ■ • ' * -.'■ * ' A well-knowa Wellington' professional man who took a lady who had previously been an attendant at the mental hospital, to Sydney, and put up «at the Hotel Metropole as mr^n and wife received somewhat of a s'/oe- when the matron of. the said hospital walked into the dining-room and recognised m the .temporary wife of tk« amorous gentleman, one of her previous subordinates. Explanation is unnecessary, as the amorous pair are well known and interesting developments are how taking place m connection with the gentleman's matrimonial affairs. Christchurch Police Station f^ploys as waiter a half-Chow person named Jim something, who receives the munificent sum of fifteen bob a week m wages. He used to get twelve bob and a "sprat, but this seems to have been regarded as fan inadequate wage, and his screw Was raised. Appears that different peelers take on the catering contract from time to time, and the present contractor lieves m cheap Chinkie. labor., It is true that Dinnie's unfortunate underlings don't get the pay they ought to get, but amongst the crowd of 'em m Christchurch they '. should be able to raise enough to employ a clean and healthyminded European. ; . • a ■ .'; a „:;;■■ DUCK-FOOT-A-NUI.-At the last meeting of the Wanganul Council it was unanimously decided ''to cKange Gr©y-street to "Webbanui'*-street. Have you been to Wanganui Where the champion sculler is ? ; Have you noticed with what aptitude All the shops there look for biz. I was staying there quite recently, But never will again, For since Webb's the champion sculler, They've got Webb upon the brain. They've a Wetfbanui Cafe Where you get a Webbanui meal, And the Webbanui butcher With his Webbanui veal. : There's iJie Webbanui grocer j With his Webbanui tea, , And a Webbanui whisky, Served to you by Billy T , They have Webbanui kiddies And the Wehbanui band ; That plays Webbanui cakeWalkg On the Webbanui sand. On the Webbanui Borough (That is reckoned so complete) They've a Webbanui nightman. Now a Weba'nnui street. Now, I'm wondering, Mr Norton, II these fashions will all change If Dick Arnst comes m a winner .. Will he be a rifle-range, Will they fire bullets at him, J Or buy him a brand npw house, It will 'oe most disconcerting To Bill T — , how h« will rouse. •'.CQLLo'i v